


to be young and in love

by JujuRotfuchs



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Explicit Language, F/M, Falling In Love, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Minor Character Death, Otabek is a biker boy, Otabek is very into Yuri, Slow Burn, Songfic, Strangers to Lovers, Yuri doesn't give a fuck about gender roles, Yuri had a rough past, Yuri is a wildcat, Yuri works in a shitty Diner in a small town, alternative universe, clubbing & drinking, main pairing Otayuri, otayuri - Freeform, set in a small town, sexually ambiguous Yuri, this really is all about Otayuri, very brief f/m scene in case that's not your cup of tea, vintage vibe meets fucked up teenagers from the russian suburbs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2018-06-01
Packaged: 2018-09-25 16:08:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 150,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9828011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JujuRotfuchs/pseuds/JujuRotfuchs
Summary: "you get ready, you get all dressed upto go nowhere in particularback to work or the coffee shopdoesn't matter cause it's enoughto be young and in love, to be young and in love"Yuri is stuck in a small town where time stands still, spending his days working in a crappy Diner and dancing his nights away at dodgy clubs, dreaming of the day he can get out & wishing for something interesting to happen.Someone like Yuri, someone with long golden hair, a feisty attitude and a fondness for tight clothes and lipgloss, doesn't belong to a outdated place like this. That's what Otabek thinks whenever he comes driving through on his bike & he finds himself coming back for the sassy waiter, over and over again.This is a songfic based on Lana Del Rey's "Love".Otabek is a biker boy with a soft heart for bold boys and Yuri is a wildcat with a guarded heart full of hopes and dreams.





	1. one

Yuri Plisetsky once had been a child with a mind full of dreams and wonders. But that was long ago and now Yuri wasn’t a child anymore.

It was before Yuri realised that it wasn’t normal that his parents screamed at each other until their voices got horse and his father left their little flat, slamming the door shut as he left as well as the vase that his mother threw after him and left a dent in the wall by the door, the muddy water running down the old wallpaper and sinking into the dusty carpet.

Yuri had never liked when his parents left for work without saying goodbye first but sometimes they would just forget, busy with themselves, busy with arguing, busy with paper and bills and all other kinds of things that had his Mom smoking pack after pack but that didn’t made sense to him. All that he understood was that he got angry when they left him at home or kindergarten without saying goodbye first. It made him feel invisible. So yes, Yuri was mad and sad when his father left without saying goodbye to him that afternoon when Yuri wasn’t even old enough yet to understand what was going on and his legs were too short to run after him to get a kiss goodbye. Back then he didn’t know, that nowadays he’d be glad about it. Because you don’t run after people that don’t intend to come back and what was a goodbye kiss good for if you couldn’t remember the face of the person giving it to you.

For a long time it didn’t sink in for Yuri that his father wouldn’t come back because his Mom did a good job at distracting him from it. She didn’t spoke about him nor explained anything about him leaving. Just sometimes, very rarely, when his Mom had had a Gin or two too much and her eyes had gone all hazy and she looked at him him with smudged mascara, trying hard to focus on him, she would tell him that his father was a piece of trash that had wasted her time. He was still too young to understand what it meant but instead of asking, he reached out and wiped tears from her red cheeks until she fell asleep on the couch, glass still in hand.

But those were rase occasions. His mother didn’t had much time for him to begin with, telling him she had to work and left him at the kindergarten or at the neighbours for too long. She asked colleagues and friends to look after him while she hurried in and out, changing into short dresses and heels and kissing Yuri’s head before she went out the door again, leaving smudged red lipstick across his forehead in the process.  
It made Yuri angry, feeling once again invisible again. In general Yuri felt angry quite often and the older he got, the more it lingered on him and has harder to forget. He wouldn’t want to speak to his mother once she came finally back and dodged her kisses. At first she seemed sorry.   
  
„Don’t be mad at your Mama, Yuratchka. I’m sorry my baby, I’ll make it up to you.“   
  
And she did, like mentioned, she was good at distracting Yuri. She took him to the Zoo and brought him Cotton Candy, listened when Yuri chattered happily about the Tigers there. She kept him around when her friends visited her, opening the windows so the smoke would clear out better and dancing with him, twirling him around the crowded living room and laughing when her girlfriends gave him cheap-wine-and-lipstick-kisses on the cheeks, saying what a pretty boy he was. They turned the volume from the music up louder and he was so happy and busy with dancing that he didn’t notice when his Mama disappeared upstairs with one of her male friends.  
Sometimes she would take him to the cinema or a comic-book store but found herself delighted when he’d wanted to watch Disney Movies or ones about speaking animals rather than ones about Monsters or Cars. He preferred comics about Adventures and Heros over ones with Villains and Crimes and it made her stroke the blonde hair of her son than was getting longer and longer. „You’re a good boy my Yuratchka, you’re not like your father at all.“ She decided to not make an appointment at the hairdresser anymore and started to braid his hair instead.  
Yuri enjoyed every minute the got to spend with his mother, dreading the minute she would tell him that she had to go again. Because after she left, he would most likely be by himself again even when he wasn’t alone as he wasn’t good at making friends with the neighbors kids, having not enough patience to share his toys with them and had trouble controlling his anger when they got in a fight. And if he hadn’t been eager about going to kindergarten, he definitely didn’t enjoy going to school. There were even more kids there and he felt even more invisible there than he did at home and he didn’t liked it one bit. It caused his anger to boil over, caused himself to lash out more and soon he wasn’t that invisible anymore, at least not to the teachers. But it didn’t help him finding friends either.  
  
Yuri also liked his mothers friends and colleagues which were watching him often. They had pretty curls and long lashes, they gave him candy and called him pretty boy but sooner or later they always lost interest in him, starting to open bottles and discussing over boring things like Men and Money. Sometimes they gave him some coins to go and play music from the Jukebox and then Yuri jumped up and choose randomly, dancing to the songs and closing his eyes, imagining him either far away or his Mama to be here with him dancing along.  
When he opened his eyes, she still wasn’t there but her friends and other people would look over, smiling at him and clapping, asking him to dance more and Yuri laughed and did. He twirled around and wasn’t invisible for a while.

The older he got, the less his mother seemed to be sorry about leaving him alone or missing things that were important to him, like performances from the crappy little dance studio that he had started going to. She forgot to sign his school papers, didn’t call back his complaining teachers and often left him at home alone in front of the old Tv. She didn’t seemed to mind that he was still a kid, as long as he knew how to dial the phone and make himself some cereal, she seemed to think that he could handle himself for a few hours. Only that never were just a few hours.

Yuri could now count on one hand how many years it was since his father had left and he knew from a kid from school that it wasn’t normal neither was all the arguing and the fact that his Mom spend so little time with him. Not that he had said anything about it but all his classmates had a whole family, with parents and even siblings. They even spend so much time together that they sometimes got annoyed by them! They had family dinner and played boardgames.

Yuri had no siblings and ate ramen noodles and leftovers for dinner. He didn’t play boardgames but a friend of his mom had shown him how to play pool and poker, saying that one could win money with it when played well. Yuri stared at the dent by the door and was only annoyed that his Mama didn’t came back.

In times that he was left alone and felt invisible, he distorted himself with music and dancing, wanting to become the best in the small class he was in, even if his teacher couldn’t care less. All the energy he had, he rather put into this than any friends or homework. This seemed more important, brought him more fun and had the people paying attention to him.  
When he couldn’t do that, he busied himself with trying to braid his hair like his mother sometimes did, knowing that everyone liked a pretty boy. His Mama had said that.  
He read comics and books about Heros that saved the day, saved the maiden and kept the darkness away. When he was reading those stories, he forgot all about how late it had already gotten and that it was way past his bedtime. He got some crumpled paper and old pencils and drew the fairytales he had read about, dreaming himself into another wold. Yes Yuri Plisetsky had been a child with a mind full of dreams and wonders. Even if his surroundings tried its hardest to drain that from him.

For his 10th Birthday, Yuri got a card with Tigers on it from his Grandpa. Inside was some money, telling him to buy himself something nice from it. It wasn’t much but Yuri was still very happy, knowing the worth of money since neither of them had much of it.  
He went to draw his Grandpa a picture, wanting to send it back as a tank-you. He really loved his dedushka, a kind old man that sadly lived way too far away to be a constant part of Yuri’s life. But when they got the chance the see each other, Yuri never felt invisible. His Grandpa always listened to him and Yuri helped him making tones of Sugar-Cookies and Pirozhki, which he loved so much and was allowed to each as much of as he wanted to.  
After Yuri was done drawing, he put the money away, not knowing yet what to do with it but also not wanting to spend it on useless nonsense that he wouldn’t end up needing.  
  
When his Mom came home from work, she was exceptionally happy and cheery and even brought him a small sugary cake for celebration. „Happy Birthday Yuri, oh my pretty baby.“ She squeaked and kissed him atop his golden hair.

Yuri ended up using the money he got for his birthday paying the last dance lesson he would ever get in the crappy little dance studio.  
As it turned out, his birthday seemed to be the last good day for them in a long while. His Mom got fired from her job that hadn’t provided much income to begin with, for reasons Yuri didn’t understood. To make matters worse, she caught her boyfriend cheating on her and it was all screaming and crashing porcelain over again. By far, he wasn’t the first guy she had started something with and then broken up again, unbothered to shield her son from the drama that was her love-life. And it wasn’t that Yuri cared much about them, they came into his life and left again, teaching him pool and poker, looking too long at his shiny hair or not paying attention to him at all, before he eventually forgot about them altogether again. But it caused his mother to be in a disasterous mood, she always became meaner and angrier after a breakup, drinking more and snapping at Yuri without reason.   
  
„Love is for idiots, Yuri.“ She would sneer, swaying from side to side. „ Men only want to get between your legs and once they get it, they’re gone searching for someone prettier and younger.“ At this point she was mostly mumbling to herself and Yuri wondered what that meant before he put out her cigarette as she had fallen asleep again and the ashes were starting to fall from the tip onto the couch.

In the 10 years of Yuri’s life, one pattern repeated itself over and over again. Whenever his mother left him alone, he would get angry and unleash at everyone around him until he didn’t felt ignored and invisible anymore or he would close up until no one could reach him anymore.  
And whenever his mother had time for him, he would try his hardest to be a good boy, thinking that if he would just try hard enough, he wouldn’t be left alone anymore.

So when his Mama started to drink more, get moodier and unleash her anger at her son, he tried harder than ever to gain her love and goodwill. The boy that usually hadn’t much patience, showed angelic willpower as he cleaned up after his mother: throwing away cigarette stumps and ashes, getting rid of empty glass bottles and trying to get her to eat something, even if he wasn’t the one to make it in the first place. He tried not to get angry when she was off to wherever and came back with a bunch of people, loudly dancing and laughing in the living room, waking him up.  
He would offer to paint his mothers long nails, carefully applying the red colour, not wanting to get anything on her skin.   
  
„You’re an angel Yuri.“ She would sigh and Yuri would smile, thinking that if he helped her combing her hair often enough and bringer her her favourite heels and zip up her dress before she went out, that that would make her happy and she would stop snapping at him.  
  
He hoped that handing her the pearls and her perfume as she got ready, would be enough to make her spend more time with him again. „You look beautiful Mama.“ He would say and hide his bad grades and letters from the Teacher from her, so she wouldn’t get frustrated with him.   
  
He didn’t complain that he missed his dance lessons, so she wouldn’t call him a ungrateful brat again. And he wouldn’t ask what he was arguing with the landlord and the neighbors about, he wouldn’t ask were the friends from work had gone and he wouldn’t ask about work altogether because it stung horribly when she slapped him across the face with those sharp red nails and Yuri wanted to be an angel for her, not a brat.

One morning, Yuri woke up from the frontdoor falling shut, surprised to see that the sun was actually rising and he hadn’t been waking up to the sounds of his Mom coming home in the middle of the night. He looked out his dirty window and saw his mothers new boyfriend hurrying over the parking lot to his car. Yuri couldn’t remember his name. He got up from bed and didn’t even bother looking into her bedroom, knowing that this was only the place were she stored her high heels and make up and were she changed into bright-colored dresses and jewellery. Instead he went straight to the living room, were she was lying sleeping on the couch as always, only without a blanket as Yuri hadn’t woken up to put one there. But something was different this time, he couldn’t say what but a funny feeling started spreading through his stomach even if the sight of empty bottles on the table wasn’t a new one. What was new however, was the withe powder between the cigarette stumps and bottle-caps, that looked strangely like the leftover flour on the counter-top after baking cookies with dedushka. Having just thought of him, it was his Grandpa that Yuri ended up calling, even if his mother would be angry at him for doing so without her permission.   
  
„Grandpa, Mama is not waking up.“

Yuri couldn’t remember much of the phone call but once it was over he went back to the couch and put a blanket over his mother before he sat down and waited, he would have liked to clean the mess on the table up but his grandpa had told him to not touch the powder. So instead he watched how the rising sun spread its light through the room, dancing on top of the colourful glass of the empty bottles on the table, creating patterns and swirls of colour and light. To distract himself, Yuri imagined it to be tiny fairies dancing to music of dust and light twirling through the room.

Yes, Yuri Plisetsky once had been a child with a mind full of dreams and wonders. But that was long ago, before the shrieking sound of sirens in the morning and blue and red lights invading their home and ever since then, Yuri wasn’t a child anymore.


	2. two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to know what you guy's think about this, so some comments would be really nice :) Thanks for all the kudos <3 
> 
> This is the last Chapter about Yuri as a Child, the other's will be about Yuri as a teen/young adult  
> Warnings: some feels ,(unedited again, it's 3am)

Yuri’s mother didn’t die that day as the doctors were able to save her from the overdose but Yuri still cried his heart out like she had, until his grandfather finally arrived at the hospital and took him home. During the next few days while his daughter was at the hospital, Nikolai Plisetsky realised to his own horror in what conditions his grandson and his daughter had lived in. He had known that things hadn’t been easy since Yuri’s father had left and that money wasn’t exactly flowing but he didn’t expected it to be this bad. But than again, he also didn't thought his grandson would ever call him in tears, begging for help because his mother had been overdosing on drugs.   
The small flat of his daughter was an absolute mess when he brought his grandson back there and he felt shame within himself, that he hadn’t had a clue until now. The windows were dirty, dust coving every surface and it smelled like cold smoke and stale beer.   
He could tell that little Yuri had done his best to keep things tidy but one could only arrange empty bottles neatly into a corner of the kitchen until the pile got simply too big and blocked the way to the sink. Yuri’s room had been tidy as well, if tidy meant that he didn’t left things laying around on the ground but Nikolai asked himself how long it had been since the bedding had last seen a washing machine from the inside.

So for the next few days while his daughter was recovering at the hospital, he took it upon himself to clean the mess up and Yuri helped, needing the distraction himself. Together they dusted and got rid of the trash, cleaned the flat and tried to get rid of the smell. And while Nikolai was at it, he showed Yuri how to use a washing machine and thought him how to cook simple things like noodles with sauce and scrambled eggs. While he called Yuri’s school to let them know that his grandson wouldn’t attend for a few days due to a family issue, he learned just how bad things had gotten with his grades and his social behaviour towards his classmates.   
When the phone call ended Nikolai felt disappointment towards his daughter that he never knew was possible, wondering just what had gone wrong that she wouldn’t only ruin her own life but apparently her son’s as well due to sheer ignorance. „Yuratchka has your mother gone to work recently ?“ He asked his grandson gently. „ No, not for a while.“ The whispered answer came.

„ And have you gone to school? Done your homework?“  
  
„Sometimes.“ It was barely audible.   
  
„Do you get angry sometimes Yuri ?“   
  
„Yes.“

„ And why ?“

„I don’t like it when people don’t listen to me or treat me like I’m not even there.“  
  
„Has your mother left you alone often Yuratchka? Don’t lie to your Grandpa.“   
  
„Yeah but I’m used to it.“  
His heart hurt at the confession of his grandson and he didn’t knew what to say so he only hummed, not wanting to show the kid how troubled he really felt.   
  
„Are you mad at me dedushka?“ His voice was shaking now.   
  
„No I’m not Yura.“ He said and pulled his grandson into a strong hug, patting his long hair. Golden long hair just like his mother had. „But you need to stop hurting other children, that’s not right.“

Of course it was only years later that Yuri could remember small details like that and puzzle together what his Grandpa had probably thought of the situation back then. He had never told Yuri how he had felt when he got the call nor how he did as he realised the extent of the mess his daughter had made. Nikolai Plisetsky had done his best to shield Yuri in the following weeks after the incident, not letting him see his troubles and not letting him hear his worries. And to his day Yuri had never heard a word of complaint from his dedushka about the difficulty of the situation because that’s how guardians should behave. They carry the burden of concern on their shoulders and no matter how heavy they get, they refuse to dump the weight onto their offspring even if that would lessen their troubles.  
  
Until then, Yuri had never known such sign of welfare.

In Yuri’s memory, the days after his Mom’s overdose were a bit blurry and that was probably for the better. Maybe his mind had decided to suppress the details of what had happened to protect Yuri from further pain.  
Today he remembers that his Grandpa spend a lot of time on the phone, discussing boring topics with big words. He filled out papers and made more calls, he cooked Yuri dinner and made him read some schoolbooks while he went and talked to the neighbors and the landlord.

Even without hearing what his Grandpa was trying to solve, he still felt the heaviness of the situation and he tried his best to help by not getting moody.

Then his mother got released from the hospital.

While she had been in there, everything had felt like it had happened in slow motion, time passing slowly like Yuri had to wade through chewy honey in order to get the days to pass.

After she was released, everything seemed to happen twice as fast. Like blurry photographs that get played on a slide show way too fast. Yuri, how he runs into her arms, crying again and pressing his face into the fabric of her sweater. Just because she was moody and neglecting didn’t mean that Yuri hadn’t loved her with all his little heart. She was his mother after all, the most important person in his life. How could he know that she was a horrible parent, when he didn’t had any comparison ? Didn’t knew anything else but he way she treated him ?

„Don’t cry Yuri, crying makes you look ugly.“ She had said, wiping his tears away and lighting up a cigarette for herself. With her other hand the combed through his long hair, ungently pulling the knots from it.

Next photo, next memory. His mother and his Grandpa arguing. Getting louder with each word, Nikolai trying to keep his voice down while his mother paced through the living room. Yuri had been in his room but still heard some things his Grandpa had wanted to keep him from hearing: _… he’s unruly … would like to see how you’d handle him … what a kid costs … hadn’t planned on getting pregnant … never wanted to be a mother … need some time for myself …_

Then his Grandpa had started screaming too.“ What you need is to get your life back together. Get clean, search for a job and be a good mother. Be there for your child.“

Next thing he remembered, was how his mother woke him up on the following morning long before the sun rose. She’s sitting on the edge of his bed and brushed his hair from his eyes.„Yuri you’re gonna go and spend a few days with Grandpa, da? I’ll be staying here to sort a few things out.“ She whispered.

„ Why can’t I stay here with you?“

„Because we are gonna life with Grandpa from now on, you’d like that, wouldn’t you? You wouldn’t be alone so much anymore.“   
  
„ We’re gonna live at his house?“  
  
„Yes. We decided so last night.“

„Come with us then right away Mama, don’t stay here.“  
  
„ Stop discussing Yuri, I can’t come with you yet. I need to go now, be a good boy and let Grandpa sleep a bit longer, okay ?“   
  
„ But you will come back Mama?“

„ My pretty boy. Be good and listen to your Grandpa while I’m gone.“ She had said and kissed him goodbye.

Several hours later, Yuri stood in front of the empty closet of his mother while his Grandfather found a letter on the kitchen table that he wouldn’t let Yuri read, no matter how much he cried and begged and that he tore apart as soon as possible, sparing Yuri the chance of ever reading it.

After Yuri had calmed down, Nikolai helped him packing his clothes and belongings into bags and boxes. His books and comics, his pencils and stuffed animals. At last they got the old record player from the living room and and put it in the trunk of his car as well.

The drive to his Grandpas house took several hours, hours in which he slept and cried and repeated the circle all over again, as he came to the realisation that a goodbye is worth nothing and hurts all the same when you get left by a person that you love.


	3. three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lovebirds meet for the first time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote some of this in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep, I hope it still makes sense. Please let me know what you think of this :)

Deep within him, Yuri had known since that morning that his mother wouldn’t ever come back, so did Nikolai. But that didn’t mean that Yuri didn’t secretly hoped that she would, despite his anger at her that steadily grew in his stomach and burned him from the inside. It took him several years to swallow the bitterness of the fact that he had been left by both parents and that neither of them loved him enough to come back for him.

Yuri thought that his Grandfather was the only person that would ever truly care for him and he decided to show his gratitude by caused him as little trouble as possible. He moved into his little house without moaning and unpacked his belongings as soon as they arrived, putting them neatly into the small guest bedroom. Then he went to wipe his tears and as he looked into the mirror, he told himself to stop crying altogether for it wouldn’t change anything. Afterwards he helped his dedushka peeling potatoes for dinner. Ever since then Yuri only cried if he absolutely couldn’t help it.  
Living with his Grandpa was completely different than living with is mother had been. Nikolai made sure that Yuri was registered into a new school and he kept a close eye on his grandsons attendance, grades and social behaviour. He attended parent conferences, helped Yuri with his homework as best as he could and didn’t let it swipe easily when he had gotten into fights with other kids.  
And while Yuri’s grades didn’t dramatically raised for the better, it was still good enough to not let the teachers complain about his work. They were busy complaining about his his big mouth and his sassy attitude anyway. When that happened, Nikolai scolded Yuri for cursing but in the end he decided that he’d rather have Yuri dealing with his anger with words than fists.

He also made sure that Yuri helped around the house a lot, thought him how to cook and clean wanting the boy to be able to take care of himself. In the summer he planted potatoes and tomatoes in the small garden behind the old house and he showed his grandson how to take care of them and harvest the fruits.  
As a reward for doing well in school, helping around the house and not getting into physical fights much anymore, Nikolai took him to dance lessons whenever he could afford it.

Really, it was just another small town dance studio that desperately needed some maintenance work with a dance teacher that was more bored and desperate for money than talented but still, Yuri was over the moon. Over time he started to carry out newspapers, washing neighbors cars and walking their dogs to get a bit more money for more dance lessons. He new that his Grandpa hadn’t enough to send him to lessons all the time.

And it worked for them, Yuri went to school and Nikolai worked part time. They watched crime shows on TV and listened to music from the old record player while baking Pirozhki. They kept each other company, when Yuri was reading, Nikolai sat across the table solving crossword puzzles. When Nikolai was repairing things on the house or the car, Yuri was dancing through the garden and brought over his tools when he needed them, humming happily. And neither of them felt alone any longer.

Nikolai wasn’t happy about the circumstances leading them there but having that boy around was a blessing, he was a big help to him and filled his perviously quiet days with music and laughter and way too many curse words.

Around his Grandfather, Yuri never felt invisible. Of course the heart that his mother had broken still ached from time to time and he still hated going to school but things were looking up. His cloths were clean, his stomach full and no worries weighed down on him until he had the feeling that he would need to scream out loud. It didn’t matter that he wasn’t good at making friends, he wasn’t very social anyway.

He finally had a home and someone that took care of him and that was all he needed for now.

xxx

 

„ Yuri your table is waiting!“  
  
Yuri cursed as he slipped up his eyeliner, causing the line to smudge. „Calm down, my shift doesn’t start for another five minutes.“ He barked back through the closed bathroom door of the Diner before he went to wipe the eyeliner away.   
He only recently had started applying very thin lines on the outer corner of his eyes so his lashes looked even longer than they already were but he hadn't perfected the technique yet. And he would rather die than asking one of his female colleagues for help, they were talking enough about him as it was. Yuri knew that most of it was just jealousy anyway and it made sense, he was younger, better looking and made more tips so he decided to not feed the flame and keep his mouth shut.

Yuri reapplied the eyeliner carefully and added some light pink lipgloss. No matter how long he lived here, people would still turn their heads and whisper when he walked passed them but Yuri didn’t care, he liked how he looked and so did the tourists that came through their small down and stopped at the Diner to eat.

When he had fist started working at the Diner at 15, his Boss had taken him aside on one of the rare occasions when he was visiting the Diner to see how things were going.  
„ Are you playing dress-up, kid? I have a business to run here.“ He had asked, gesturing to Yuri’s revealing jean-shorts.

„ I am working, Sir.“ Yuri had answered, using all his strength to sound polite.

„ And since when are boys wearing makeup to work?“ He had hissed.

„ Since pretty boys make more money.“ Yuri had batted his eyelashes even tho he had felt more like rolling his eyes at his ignorance.  
But this was just how it was, a small town in the Russian Suburbs and most people here were still stuck in 18-hundred-ask-me-if-I-give-a-fuck.

And after Yuri had proven his statement to be true, his Boss had left him alone to wear whatever he wanted. And he didn’t care about the gossip of his colleagues or any townsman.„Yuri!“ His colleague Petra banged on the bathroom door again.

„ I’m coming woman! God it can’t be that busy out there if you come here every minute to get on my nerves.“ Yuri smoothed out his light pink apron that he wore over his jeans and took one last glance into the mirror. The longer his legs got, the smaller it looked on him. All waitresses wore the same apron over their clothes but he was the only male working here as a waiter.

They had laughed that he had to wear the frilly pink thing, at least until they realized that he looked cuter in it than they did.

Yuri bursted out of the bathroom and went straight to the kitchen to get some plates to serve, ignoring Petra’s bickering behind him while doing so. After a year of working here, he knew that she wouldn’t say anything that interested him anyway.

Yuri had always been used to not having much money and when he moved in with his Grandpa, he didn’t expect big birthday presents to begin with, he knew that money was short but he didn’t need much to begin with. He tried to earn most of the money for his dance lessons anyway and he found second hand clothes prettier than the brand clothes that everyone wore.But when Nikolai’s knee had needed surgery two years ago and forced him to stop working entirely that was when money got really, really short. So Yuri took every job the could get his hands on after school until he was lucky enough to get this one at the Diner. The work was hard and made his arms and feet ache from running around and carrying trays from after school until the sun was long gone but the payment was okay and the tips rose depending on how much Yuri tried to please the customers.

Only weeks after staring to work here, Yuri had figured out that his useless mother did give him some good life advice even it was a bit dodgy to follow them as a young teenage boy.

But when his clothes were tight or he showed some skin, when he batted his long lashes and smiled often it drew the people in. When he acted sweet and feisty rather than snappy and moody and when he flirted with the customers and used his body language to his advantage, then he got bigger tips and bigger tips meant less worries. Meant being able to give money to Grandpa for the hospital bill even if he was stubborn about taking it. Later it meant being able to buy some groceries as well and nowadays it meant some new clothes and music every now and then.

The wandering hands some costumers developed at the sight of his tight jeans were a small price to pay if it meant getting the freedom of money in return. Yuri knew that money was a big deal in a town where no one had enough of it to get out of here…

„ Yuri put your hair up.“ Natalia hissed at him as she shoved a tray into his hands.

He gritted is teeth. „Will do if you shave off your Lady beard, it’s just as likely to fall into the costumers food at this point.“   
On some days it was harder for Yuri to play nice than others, it was draining to him to keep smiling when in reality he'd rather snarl at everyone that came too close to him but unfortunately it was part of his job.

Better to unleash his mood onto his colleagues than the costumers, he thought. Besides that, Natalia always bickered when Yuri wore his hair down, he once again suspected jealousy to be the reason. It must seem unfair to her that she had ruined her hair with bleach to keep it blonde while Yuri had the audacity to walk around with perfectly long gold hair, being a boy and all.

Yuri’s hair had actually been way longer once, reaching all the way down to his butt, however one day when he was about 13 he had one of his bad days. Meaning that all the pain of the past had crushed over him, squeezing his heart painfully while being cruelly reminded of the left and neglect of his parents. In absolute range, Yuri had cut all of his hair off, wanting to have nothing in common with his mother at all and knowing that she would hate if he’d cut it off.  
After he had calmed down, it took him about half an hour until he desperately regretted his decision. It took about hundred more tears and a few months of Yuri walking around with every hood up until it started to grow out again.

Now that he was 16, it was at shoulder length and shimmered in such a beautiful gold that every female seeing it either cooed in awe or pouted in envy.

Ignoring Natalia’s complaining about him being a rude little brat, Yuri carried plates full of eggs and toast through the Diner and refused to put a tie in this hair, only to piss her off. It was Saturday, meaning that Yuri would work the morning shift for once which was exhausting because it was very busy but also meant that he had a good chance of making some money.

He was tired and moody but forced a smile onto his face as he approached his next table. Two men in their forties were sitting at it, dressed in smart business clothes. Yuri knew from experience that costumers like this would either give him hell or a nice big tip for looking and acting the way he did. The outcome of the situation depended entirely on two things: if the customers would treat Yuri with respect and how well he’d be able to keep his calm in case they would not.

Taking the empty plates of the table and balancing them, he smiled and asked: „I hope you enjoyed your food, can I get you anything else Gentlemen?“

The man wearing a blue tie eyed him up and down before answering. „More coffee.“

Yuri hurried to get rid of the plates and reached for the nearest coffeepot, when he turned around he heard the men talking about him, they didn’t even bother lowering their voices.

„Shit is that a dude or a chick?“ That happened sometimes, people not expecting a low voice as soon as he opened his mouth.  
  
„Is that important? With legs like that, with an ass like that?“ Okay, _no_ Gentlemen.

When he got back to their table he poured the coffee into their mugs and acted like he hadn’t heard anything. There were days when comments like that almost sounded like compliments, today they didn’t.

„There you go.“ His smile was forced, hurting his cheeks. „Tell me if I can get you anything else.“ He went to turn around.

„You could sit with us for a bit, Sweetheart.“ The man with the blue tie said, the other dude grinned.  
  
„Sorry, I have to work.“

„Oh don’t be shy, just for a minute. I’d like something sweet to go along with my coffee.“ The smirk that he wore was disgusting. Without answering, Yuri handed him the dessert menu.

„Playing hard to get, are we?“  
  
„Don’t know about you Sir but I’m only trying to take your order.“ He dug his nails into the palm of his hand.  
  
„Or we could get out of there. I have a really nice car, I’d like to take you for a ride in it.“ The double meaning to his words was more than obvious and made Yuri’s skin crawl unpleasantly.

His patience eventually snapped and so did he: „And I would like you to shut up if you’re not going to order anything since there is no way in hell I’ll be riding anything that belongs to you.“   
  
The men stopped grinning immediately and Yuri mentally kissed his tip goodbye, preparing himself for this day to turn into a long one. 

xxx

If it wasn’t for the money, Yuri wouldn’t take shifts on Saturday at all. He had been working for hours without a break at this point and the incident with the men in the morning had made him so angry that he had troubles being polite to other costumers. He desperately needed to cool off.  
He got his change around noon when a lot of guest cleared out. Telling Petra that he’d be on break, he slipped trough the side-door and outside before she could say anything.

Leaning against the wall, he took a small pack of cigarettes from his apron and lit one up, inhaling deeply. He usually only smoked when he was going out or hanging around with Ivan, a guy that he went to school with but wouldn’t consider a friend. But on stressful days like this, it helped him clear his mind and calm down.

As he smoked, he let his eyes wander around lazily, taking in this surroundings. The town he lived in was a small cluster of old crappy houses with damaged fences and dried up backyards. It had grocery stores without working security cameras, broken up playgrounds and rustic pubs full of old drunks playing cards and pool. No bouncers, no one asking for I.D’s.

If it weren’t for the main road being build through it a few years ago, connecting the two next big cities to each other, this place would have probably been forgotten about altogether.With the main road, which turned out to be a important shortcut, tourists came traveling through this town.  
Some important rich guy, had decided to buy lots of space and buildings around here to make this place a bit nicer for them but soon realised that this town would always look worn down and dirty, so he stopped most projects midway or maybe he just ran out of money, who knew.The Diner Yuri was working in had been built, along with a gas station just across the street and a small hotel and a nightclub. Those were about the only businesses that were running well around here.

The Diner stood fairly in the middle of the town, impossible to miss by any bypassing travellers. They had tried to decorate it in the style of America in the 50’s but they messed it up and now it looked just tacky.  
The gas station was a good place to buy booze and cigarettes for teenagers, they payed a bit more in order to not be asked about their age.The Hotel, as unspectacular as it was, was probably still the prettiest building around and fairly well booked from all the business people and tourists coming through. But still mostly only for one night, no one that didn’t had to live here would stay here longer than necessary.

And the club turned out to be a thriving trade centre for drugs and other dodgy activities. It was well visited by the local youth as well as young people on party-tours from all over the place. Yuri had the suspicion that it had more to do with the pills than the ambience of the place. Word got around.

And that was basically it, throw in a shitty school and some run down stores and that was the entire town. Most of it were just tiny houses and ugly apartment complexes anyway. The total population was so groundbreaking that you saw everyone that lived here at least twice a day.

If Yuri wanted to get to the dance studio or go shopping in an actual mall, he had to take the bus over to the next town.

Like everyone living here, he dreamed of leaving this place one day.

Yuri smoked slowly, wanting the cigarette to last as long as possible so he had an excuse to stay out here. Lifting his hand up to his lips to take another drag, he suddenly halted mid movement as if he’d forgotten what he’d wanted to do.  
He had looked over to the gas station across the street, more absentminded than focused really but something had caught his attention and now he watched closely.

Watched how the black varnish of the biggest Motorbike he had ever seen shimmered and gleamed in the sunlight, it had been be roaring sound of its motor that had attracted Yuri’s attention before whoever owned it had parked it next to one of the gas pumps and gone into the station to pay for the patrol, presumably.  
Never in his life did Yuri had the chance to sit on a Motorbike and now that he admired the big bike from afar, he found that to be a horrible shame.  
It was when the owner of the bike returned to it, that Yuri was finally able to take his eyes off the vehicle. Only to find himself stuck starring at the owner instead, cigarette long forgotten and lazily smouldering between his long fingers.  
The guy, a young man Yuri realised, looked unfairly cool for his taste. He was dressed in dark jeans, heavy boots and a bulky leather jacked. He carried a black helmet with a mirrored  
ventail under his arm, in his other hand he held the keys for the bike but made no move to actually start it. Instead, he starred right back at Yuri, unmoving.  
And Yuri couldn’t find it within him to look away first, in the back of his mind he briefly wondered why he wasn’t starting to get pissed off or at least creeped out but the only thing he felt was curiosity and his heartbeat that picked up the longer he looked.

This should be weird, why wasn’t this weird? The guy kept watching him with a expression on his face that was unreadable for Yuri to tell from the distance and Yuri wondered how he looked right now. His hair was probably a mess, not that it mattered.

Yuri had no idea for how long they had stood staring at each other, maybe seconds, maybe minutes. But when he guy finally moved, he didn’t got on his bike and disappeared for good like Yuri had expected.  
Instead he pocketed the keys and put his helmet under the seat, then he took the Motorbike by the handles and effortlessly started wheeling it across the street like that thing didn’t weight a ton. Yuri was sure that if he were to try that, the bike would burry him within seconds.  
  
While crossing the street, the guy not once took his eyes off Yuri causing the later ones mouth to go dry. When he came to stop in fron of him, Yuri could finally study his features up closely. To his surprise, he didn’t seem much older than himself. Yuri wasn’t good at guessing but he’d say he was about 2-5 years older and slightly taller. And he was definitely buffer than him, even with the bulky jacket on he could see the broadness of his chest. He had dark brown eyes with astonishing thick lashes and full hair that was just as dark and shaved into a stylish undercut. His eyebrows were just slightly arched, giving his face a stern expression. The slightest bit of stubble adorned his sharp jawline, barely standing out against his dark complexion.  
Yuri came to the conclusion that he found the stranger unbelievably handsome and blushed at this own thoughts.

Having had little to no friends growing up, he hadn’t developed crushes on his friends or classmates like other kids did. He only really picked up any kind of sexual or romantic interest after he surprisingly got his first kiss last year. It took him a few months after that to realise that he found boys just as interesting as girls and he was still experimenting, for a lack of better wording.

And while he definitely wasn’t one that wasted his time with cheesy crap, he couldn’t deny that this guy was the best looking one he had met so far.

Yuri wondered what kinds of thoughts the stranger had about him and if Yuri should start to worry about the silence between them. He wasn’t someone to easily trust and he wouldn’t forget that over a pretty face. Neither was he someone who got easily scarred, he may be fine-boned and dainty but he still knew how to fight and he wasn’t afraid to fight dirty if necessary.

However his thoughts were interrupted when the door behind him opened and Petra’s voice rang across the parking lot. „Yuri your break is over.“

If he was completely honest he had totally forgotten that he was supposed to be at work but he wouldn’t admit that in a million years.  
  
„Yeah, I’m coming.“ He said, turning away from the stranger for the first time and urging his colleague to go back inside with his glare. She glanced a second longer at the biker, obviously curious before she went back inside.

He looked back at the stranger who's eyebrows had furrowed just slightly and debated what to say because he couldn’t just leave without saying anything. Well he could but he didn’t want to. He wasn’t really a blabbermouth to begin with but usually when he caught someone starring at him he'd advise them to get a photo because it would last longer or just bluntly flipp them off, so in this case it came close to a miracle that he hadn’t said a thing yet.

Knowing that he was running out of time, he said the first thing that came to his mind. „Are you hungry?“   
  
The biker seemed a bit confused but nodded anyways. „Sure.“ His voice was deep but pleasant.

Yuri went back inside, expecting to be followed. „Sit wherever, I’ll be with you in a second. Coffee?“ He was already back in the hectic mood of the Diner and the biker seemed a bit overwhelmed with so many words after all the silence they had just shared. Now that the trance was broken, Yuri did think that their meeting had been a bit …unusual.  
  
He tried his hardest to not blush again, Yuri Plisetsky wasn’t someone that got flustered easily and he surely wouldn’t start doing so now.  
  
„Yes, please.“ He biker said and went to sit down at the bar. He couldn’t possibly know this but it was frustrating when single people would block entire tables, it made things more stressful for the waitresses. Yuri showed his appreciation by giving him one of his rare smiles.

He hurried to serve the waiting tables, speed-walking back and forth through the Diner, glancing at the bar every now and then. When he got hold of a pot with fresh coffee, he went back behind the bar and filled a mug for the stranger.

„Thank you.“ Looking up from the swirling coffee into his dark brown eyes, he noticed that they both had the same warm shade.

„Do you have a name?“ That was better, that was more like him. Straightforward, bold.  
  
„Otabek.“ His boldness that triggered a little smile, barely there at the corner of his mouth.  
  
„I’m Yuri. What do you wanna eat?“  
  
„I don’t know. I wasn’t planning on eating anything.“

„Oh.“   
  
„Why don’t you choose something for me? I’m not picky.“   
  
„Alright. Be right back.“

Otabek didn’t seemed to be a big talker and Yuri wasn’t sure how to feel about this since he wasn’t either. Yes, constant chatter annoyed him but he wasn’t big fan of awkward silences either. He went to refill some drinks but at this time of the day there weren’t much costumers around. They would come back for dinner later but until then his shift would be over.

So he went back behind the bar and placed a plate with a piece of cherry pie in front of Otabek. „That’s my favourite thing on the menu.“

The older boy picked up a fork and shoved a piece into his mouth.“It’s good.“ He made sure to swallow before speaking.

Then they were back to silence but it wasn’t awkward. Otabek ate his pie and Yuri made himself useful behind the bar, wiping the counter, refilling the salt and sugar shaker and making fresh coffee.   
Every now and then he looked over to the other boy and he knew that Otabek watched him too, it made his neck tingle when he did so. When they happened to look at each other at the same time, they would hold each others glances for a while. It didn’t made him feel uncomfortable.

Otabek didn’t seemed to be in a hurry and made no move to leave after Yuri cleaned up his plate, he sipped his now cold coffee slowly and played with a toothpick, twirling it between his fingers.

Eventually, Yuri had to face the inevitable. „My shift is gonna be over in 5 minutes.“

At that Otabek took out his wallet. „What do I own you?“   
  
„Nothing.“   
  
„Come on. How much?“ He seemed determined to pay.

„Nothing really, it’s on the house.“

Otabek arched up his eyebrow at that, seemingly unconvinced. „Will you get in trouble for this ?“

„Not if you keep quiet about it.“

„So you’re a pie thief ?“

That made Yuri laugh out loud, something that rarely happened. „And you're a confidant now.“

Otabek smiled a small smile. „Thanks for the pie.“

Yuri nodded, not knowing what else to do and took his apron off.

„How about I return the favour by driving you home?“ He didn’t sound pressuring, leaving it to Yuri to decline or accept his offer. It didn’t take Yuri long to make a decision, remembering how longingly he had admired Otabek’s Motorbike earlier.   
  
„Deal.“

Now, he was aware that most people would never get on the Motorbike of a man they had just met, knew nothing about but had spend a questionable amount of time starring at. But that was the fun part about it, Yuri thought. Or perhaps, this town were nothing ever happened slowly drove him insane and he would jump at every chance he got to go on a little adventure.

Since Yuri didn’t lived far away from the Diner and they only had one helmet to begin with, Otabek made he exception of letting them both ride without one. Yuri squealed in delight as the engine beneath him woke with a roar and clung to the Man in front of him while they drove. He loved how the wind pulled at his hair, not caring that he would most likely look like a lion afterwards.   
He was disappointed when they reached his grandpa’s house sooner than he would’ve liked. Yet he grinned as he climbed down the bike.   
  
„Holy shit, that was amazing. Thank’s for driving me home.“  
  
„No problem. Maybe I’ll take you for a longer drive sometime.“ Otabek sounded genuine but Yuri’s smile faltered anyways. The older boy wasn’t from here and Yuri was sure that he wouldn’t come back, no one ever did.

„Yeah sounds good.“ He said, knowing that he most like would never see him again.

Otabek’s voice sounded slightly muffled through the helmet and over the sound of the running engine. „I’ll see you around, Yuri.“


	4. four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There were five things in life Yuri was absolutely sure of:
> 
> 1\. Humans were selfish beings and you couldn’t allow yourself to rely on them, the only exception to this rule was his dedushka.  
> 2\. No one ever did you a favour without expecting something in return, again, this didn’t applied to his grandfather.  
> 3\. Money was important as fuck, no matter what anyone said.  
> 4\. A pretty face and the right attitude could bring you far in life and in case that was no use, it also wouldn’t hurt to know how to knock someone out.  
> 5\. No one who was lucky enough to get out of this Hicksville would ever come back by choice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not one for much proofreading so if you see a massive mistake, please tell me. I also take no responsibility for any pie cravings. Thanks for all the kudos and comments, they keep me going <3 Please tell me what you think of this, enjoy reading :)

The night after Otabek had dropped him off home, Yuri had felt oddly restless unable to concentrate on any homework or to just  
sit down and relax.  
After the day at work he had, one would’ve thought that he’d be ready to fall into his bed or a hot bath and not get up for a few hours again.  
Instead he’d joined his grandpa for dinner and shrugged him off when Nikolai asked who’d drove him home.„Just some guy from the Diner, he had a nice bike.“   
  
„Yuratchka, you wouldn’t do anything stupid, would you boy?“  
  
„No grandpa, don’t worry.“  
  
Nikolai had left him alone after that, he trusted his grandson and knew that due to their age difference there were a lot of things that he didn’t understood, like the makeup or cloths Yuri sometimes wore. But he loved him enough to not give him a hard time about it. He wouldn’t force Yuri to be a certain way, just because he’d been raised differently. As his guardian it was his job to take care of him but he also knew that he had to give him some freedom so he could grow from a boy into a man.

After dinner Yuri had taken a shower to get rid of smelling like frying grease. Dressed in nothing but a towel, he went to sit down on the ground in front of the full body mirror he had in his room to redo his makeup. He used a black eyeliner to draw the sharp wing instead of the soft brown he usually wore to work and put some mascara on his long lashes. He added shiny highlighter to his high cheekbones and put on some dusty pink lip stain, it didn’t shimmered like any of his glosses but it would stay on better during the night.When he was done, he dressed in tight light-blue jeans and a simple white shirt that rode up whenever he moved his arms up. Slipping into his favorite converse with cheetah print, that he had found at the second hand store, he called out to his grandpa that he would go out for the night, than he squeezed his phone and keys into the tight fabric of his pants.

„Don’t stay out too late.“ Both Yuri and Nikolai knew that the elder didn’t really stayed up longer than until 10 and that was a bit early for Yuri to come home already. He was also a deep sleeper meaning that he wouldn’t notice his grandson coming home, no matter the time. Yuri appreciated the trust his grandpa put into him, knowing that he had been given the freedom to do what he wanted as long as he wouldn’t got in trouble. He kissed him on the cheek before he went out.

Yuri usually preferred hanging out at the local pubs and bars rather than the club but when he wanted to dance, he went there. The _Carmen_ was always full of strangers and tourists and he enjoyed the anonymity of dancing among them. When they looked at him they did it out of interest, envy or want. Not because we was the weird kid in a small town without parents that wore girl cloths and got into arguments all the time. As always, the only money he left at the Club was the one he paid at the entrance to be let in, he and a group of pretty girls had been invited inside without being asked for I.D’s.  
For the rest of the night he relied on the drinks strangers bought for him. It usually went something like this: „Hey can I buy you a drink?“

„Yeah sure, beer please.“ He wanted to dance, not get wasted.

If whoever had bought him a drink turned out to be tolerable or even hot, he would stick around for a bit or ask to dance before leaving sooner or later.If they weren’t, he would just take his free drink with a thanks and disappear into the crowd of dancing people immediately, hoping to get lost in the sea of people altogether. It usually worked.

That night he didn’t feel like any kind of talking, so he danced until his shirt stuck to his shoulders damply and he had to move his hair away from his neck to get the hot skin there to cool off. With closed eyes he got lost in the trace-like music and danced with everyone who touched him. Fingers brushing over his bare hips, hands running over his upper arms, someone brushing through his hair.Yuri couldn’t explain the difference between the people touching him at the club and some pervs groping him at the Diner, he hadn’t verbally consented to either but felt like he still allowed even enjoyed it while dancing.

He opened his eyes to see that a girl with red lips had touched his hair, she smiled at him and he spontaneously leaned forward and gave her a chaste kiss on the lips. She smiled wider as she wiped red lipstick off Yuri’s mouth with her thumb. Then they went back to dancing, he joined her group of friends for a while, twirling around each other with music drumming too loudly too exchange any words.

Once he saw a man in the crowd that looked a bit like Otabek at first glance and his heart was in his throat for a second before he realized his mistake. He drank a few beers and sweated all the alcohol out again before it could really affect him. It was only when the aching in his tired feet became unbearable that Yuri left the Club.  
He walked home while the sky already turned into a lighter shade of blue.Hugging himself closer in his damp shirt to prevent himself from shivering too much, he yawned.  
By the time he unlocked the frontdoor, his eyes burned and his mouth tasted stale, carefully he made sure to be as quiet as possible as he tiptoed to his room.There, one glance at the mirror told him that his hair was a mess and his eyeliner was smudged around his red-rimmed eyes.

After peeling himself out his jeans and closing the curtains, he climbed into his bed without washing off the dried sweat or his makeup. Just like his homework, that had to wait until later.

xxx

Yuri was more than sure that he would never see Otabek again and the more time passed, the more affirmed he was of this.He went to school and work, played pool with Ivan and watched whodunits on TV with his Grandpa.  
But every roaring engine had him looking up when he wiped tables down and he found himself gazing after every passing Motorbike. He had no clue why he would do such silly things and got moody whenever he caught himself doing so.

There were five things in life Yuri was absolutely sure of:

1\. Humans were selfish beings and you couldn’t allow yourself to rely on them, the only exception to this rule was his dedushka.  
2\. No one ever did you a favour without expecting something in return, again, this didn’t applied to his grandfather.  
3\. Money was important as fuck, no matter what anyone said.  
4\. A pretty face and the right attitude could bring you far in life and in case that was no use, it also wouldn’t hurt to know how to knock someone out.  
5\. No one who was lucky enough to get out of this Hicksville would ever come back by choice.

And that was why it caught him completely off guard when Otabek did come back a few weeks later.  
  
It was a Wednesday evening and the Diner was almost empty, therefore Yuri was lounging behind the bar and doing his math’s homework halfheartedly while stabbing his half eaten piece of pie with a fork every now and then.  
When he heard a Motorbike outside, he automatically looked up but didn’t expect much, it had become a new habit of his like double checking if he turned his alarm on, just to be sure.But he bike that had been parked outside was red, not black and so Yuri went back to doodling on his homework, leaving it to Rita or one of the other waitresses to serve any new costumers.  
He didn’t heard how someone sat down across the bar from him, watching him silently.

When Otabek had first seen Yuri, he had been unable to look away. From afar be couldn’t even figure out whether he’d been a girl or a boy but honestly, that question hadn’t even crossed his mind.  
He had been mesmerised by his golden hair that had shone in the sunlight like crazy and was slightly mussed from the wind. Light blue smoke had been wavering from the cigarette in his hands and Otabek felt him staring right back at him.  
The longer he looked, at long legs and long hair dancing in the spring breeze, he only felt more compelled to come closer.

Like being lured, Otabek had found himself stood in front of the blonde only moments later.He wasn’t a big talker to begin with but for the first time in his life, he’d been stunned to silence. The person in front of him was androgynously beautiful. Stern eyes but long lashes. High cheekbones and sharp jawline but long shiny hair and soft, almost pouty lips. Otabek had been fascinated. Usually he was one to firmly believe in facts and science but in that moment, he had asked himself if maybe there were higher things like fate, that he didn’t understood.

Like mentioned, Otabek wasn’t a big talker, he rather watched and listened when he wanted to get to know a person.  
And god, he wanted to get to know the boy who dressed himself slightly feminine and way too chic for a place like this, for work nevertheless. He found himself amused when he listened to the snappy and sassy remarks Yuri shot at his colleagues and his eyes followed him whenever he walked past, a slight sway to his hips.

Otabek told himself that he was only stopping at the Diner again a few weeks later because it had been on his way anyway. Ignoring the fact that every blonde woman who he laid eyes on these days reminded him of Yuri and that he had been thinking unreasonably often about the boy.  
He probably wouldn’t even work today, Otabek had been at the Diner on a Saturday noon and now it was evening, in the middle of the week. But he found himself unable to drive past the tacky Diner, not without checking at least.

He walked in and headed straight for the bar where he had stopped Yuri. He had put his hair into a messy ponytail and his shirt was slipping off his shoulder slightly. Otabek smiled as he watched him absentmindedly stabbing a piece of pie with a small fork while obviously day dreaming. Some papers were scattered in front of him.

„Not only a thief but also a murderer, are we?“ Otabek whispered, leaning forward slightly to take a better look at the mush that had once been pie.

At the sound of his voice, Yuri’s head jerked up and he started at Otabek with large green eyes, surprise written all across his features. „B-Beka, I mean Otabek. Hi.“ Yuri stammered, completely off guard.  
  
„Beka?“ Otabek arched one eyebrow, clearly amused. „So far only my sister called me that, when she couldn’t pronounce my name entirely yet, that is.“  
  
„You have a sister?“ Yuri asked, partly out of interest, partly to change the topic. What was Otabek doing here? 

„A few. I’m the older brother. What about you?“ At the mention of Yuri’s family, he instantly tensed up.   
  
„No siblings.“ None that I know of at least, he mentally added. To distract he fetched for the coffee-pot. „Coffee?“ He asked, hoping that Otabek would just drop the topic.

And he did, the older boy wasn’t stupid, he realised that Yuri didn’t want to talk about his family. „Yes, please.“   
  
When Yuri had filled a mug, he couldn’t hold it in anymore. „So what are you doing here?“ He hoped to not sound too curious.  
  
„I wanted to see how far you would go with that pie-crime-rink that you’ve got running here.“ That made Yuri smile and Otabek watched in fascination.   
  
„You’re an idiot.“  
  
„And a witness, so be careful what you say.“   
  
It was oddly easy to talk to Yuri, easier than it should have been after practically just meeting him, it was unusual for Otabek.  
  
„And I thought my charm brought you back.“ Yuri bit his tongue as soon as he’d said it. What was wrong with him?   
  
Otabek looked surprised too. „I’m actually just on a business trip.“ He said to fill the awkward silence, for some reason he thought that Yuri wouldn’t appreciate it if he had responded to his earlier comment. Yuri’s cheeks were slightly pink as he busied himself with cleaning up his destroyed pie.  
  
„So what do you work as?“

„I’m a mechanician.“   
  
„Mechanicians go on business trips?“ He blurted out, hoping for once that he hadn’t sound rude.But Otabek chuckled.   
  
„I’m working for someone who owns several shops across the country. It’s part of my job to sometimes get bikes from one city to another because of rare replacement equipment or stuff like that. I enjoy doing that, gives me the opportunity to ride lots of different bikes.“ He shrugged his shoulders.   
  
„Must be nice to get out from time to time.“ Yuri realised that he sounded bitter and added: „So the red bike isn’t yours?“   
  
„You’ve seen it?“ _Crap_. Yuri would rather lick the floor than admitting that since he’d met Otabek, every bike had him looking up.   
  
„Of course I have idiot, through the large windows of the Diner?“ Yuri gestured around as if Otabek was dense.

The brunette just smiled. „No its not mine.“  
  
„I liked the black one better anyways.“ Yuri snapped as if not liking the red bike would save him from any further embarrassment.  
  
„That one is mine.“ Otabek watched how Yuri bit his lips.

He was silent for a few seconds, than he barked: „Did you come here to sell me a bike or do you wanna eat something?“  
  
„As longs as it is not pie.“ He grinned and Yuri glared at him so he didn’t have to grin back.  
They ended up big a big plate of fries between them and it didn’t took Yuri long to start stealing some every now and then. Otabek pretended not to notice.

Yuri liked talking to Otabek because most of it was banter and small talk. He wasn’t interrogating Yuri as if sensing that the younger one would immediately close up then. But Otabek was good at reading people, even if they were as withdrawn as Yuri. He hoped that he would get the chance to learn more about him.  
At the end of Yuri’s shift he knew that Otabek was about 3 years older than him, not much of a talker but a very good listener and smarter and funnier than he had expected.

And by the time Otabek had dropped Yuri off at home once again, Otabek knew that work and business trips aside, he now had another reason to come back.


	5. five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> " look at you kids, you know you're the coolest  
> the world is yours and you can't refuse it  
> seen so much, you could get the blues, but  
> that don't mean that you should abuse it "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They say you'll learn something new everyday, today I learned that I fucking HATE formatting. I'm new to ao3, I usually write on Wattpad so excuse me if it looks shit. I hope you'll still enjoy reading this :) please let me know what you think.  
> By the way, this fic escalated completely, it was supposed to be a super short story... Oh well, longest chapter yet.

Just because Otabek had said that he went on business trips every not and then didn’t mean that Yuri was convinced that him coming to the Diner would become a regular thing.  
  
Quiet the opposite actually, when he thought about it. And even if he did, he surely wouldn’t do so for Yuri. They weren’t even friends, hadn’t exchanged numbers. Why on earth would the young man show any kind of interest in a scrawny moody child living at the arse end of nowhere ?  
Yuri had no answer for that and therefore the answer was: he wouldn’t.  
  
He was a waiter, nothing more.  
But no matter how many times Yuri told himself that he wouldn’t give a flying fuck whether he came back or not, it didn’t stopped Otabek from walking into the Diner every few weeks from now on.  
After a few visits, Yuri had realised in horror that his lips stretched into a smile every time he saw him and that his heart skipped a beat. And that was something that Yuri had to coke off before it would get any chance to grow.  
There was no way that he would get attached to a guy that waltzed into his life whenever he felt like it. Or anyone, for that matter.  
  
So he tried being rude and snappy, acted like he was busy working and only served Otabek food, not stopping to chat with him.  
Instead he scowled at him and tried to hate those deep coffee-brown eyes.   
  
He slammed a plate so hard onto the bar surface in front of Otabek that it caused his sandwich to fall apart.   
Otabek eyed him up and down, from the messy bun over his angry glinting eyes down to the tiger tanktop and the silver of skin in exposed over the waistband of Yuri’s jeans.   
  
„Why so moody lately, grumpy cat?“ He teased, having figured out that Yuri had a thing for all things cats and animal print by now.  
  
It didn’t caused the blonde to laugh.“ I’m always like this.“  
  
„Not with me.“ Otabek knew that he was most likely pissing him off but he wanted to let Yuri know that whatever he was trying to achieve, wasn’t working.  
  
„What makes you think you’re any special?“ The younger barked back, turning to leave.   
  
„What makes you think that you have to act so tough all the time?“ He kept his voice calm, three younger siblings had thought him that only patience would help with temper tantrums.   
  
„I’m not acting, so hop off my shit.“  
  
„Fine, I’m done for today. See ya around.“ He put some bills down next to the messed up sandwich and walked out without saying anything else.  
  
Yuri’s throat felt dry as he watched him speed away.  
This was the first time since they’ve known each other that Otabek wouldn’t wait for his shift to finish so he could drive him home.  
  
_So what ?_  


**xxx**

  
Yuri refused to worry about whether or not he had scarred Otabek away and went out for the night with Ivan to drown the churning feeling in his stomach in vodka.  
  
Ivan was older than Yuri, legal driving age in Russia but he didn’t had a driving license.  
That didn’t stop him from ‚borrowing‘ his Dad’s car every now and then. They knew each other from school, Ivan had to repeat classes twice.  
  
Like mentioned, Yuri wouldn't call him a friend but he was what came closest to that.  
Ivan made sure Yuri got into bars and had his back whenever they got into fights. Being the funny guy that he was he often attracted other groups of people that they would end up spending the night with. He was charming and funny and always made sure that everyone had enough to drink, that way it wasn’t as easy for them to realise when he took all the money out of their wallets.  
  
The first time Yuri noticed he had flipped out. He may be messed up but he wasn’t a thief, well aside from a few lip glosses, cigarettes and gum packets but it was something else to steal peoples money. He didn’t worked hours and hours at the Diner because it was fun.  
But Ivan’s Dad was a drunk who made most of the money disappear and Ivan had a little sister and a tired mother and it wasn’t his business in the first place.  
  
Yuri wouldn’t take money when Ivan offered to share it but sometimes he drank the alcohol Ivan had bought from it or let him pay for being let into the Carmen.  
Like tonight, Yuri had dressed in laced booths and ripped jeans with way too many silver necklaces around his neck that tangled all together when he jumped and danced to the earsplitting bass. Sweat was running down his face, causing the glitter around his eyes to smudge. Earlier he had emptied an entire tray of vodka shots with Ivan and now they were pleasantly tipsy, dancing widely and smiling at every stranger.  
  
Yuri’s bad mood was gone, Otabek forgotten.  
  
Ivan said something but Yuri couldn't understand him, he screamed and gestured but Yuri had still no clue.  
Eventually he took Ivan by the wrist and dragged him away from the middle of the dance floor and more towards the edge, where the music was only the slightest bit quieter.   
  
He grabbed his shoulders and leaned in until he could scream into his ear: „What do you want?“   
  
Ivan grinned and placed his hands on Yuri’s hips before leaning in too and screaming back: „I have something for you.“  
  
Yuri pulled back just slightly, just so he could look at Ivan in confusion, voicing his question with his eyes. Ivan only grinned wider at this before he opened his mouth and stuck his tongue out at Yuri and there, right in the centre sat a little white pill.  
  
Now Yuri grinned too and he leaned in to kiss Ivan, to lick into his mouth and steal the pill from his tongue before swallowing it dry.  
  
„Are you gonna fall in love with me now, Yuratchka?“ Ivan screamed into his ear, still grinning.   
  
The music swallowed Yuri’s laugh as he threw his head back.  
He knew that the older wasn’t serious, maybe he wasn’t even into boys and just kissed Yuri for fun. He didn’t know and he didn’t care, they were just friends, for a lack of better wording.  
  
„In your dreams maybe.“ Yuri screamed back as he held onto Ivan, feeling how the world started spinning faster and gaining colors.  
  
„In my dreams you have a vagina and are way less annoying.“  
  
They went back onto the dance floor, right into the middle of the moving crowd and danced until the sun came up and the pills wore off.

  
**xxx**

  
Yuri woke up the next day with a pounding headache and a dry mouth, he’d missed half the school day and told his grandpa that he didn’t feel well, which was true, but would go to school tomorrow.  
  
The used the remaining hours until his shift at the Diner started to get rid of his hangover and shower, sending a text to Ivan asking if he knew how he had come home.  
  
It was to mention, that Yuri behaving like that wasn’t out of character. He only very rarely took drugs and only the ones Ivan would assure him weren’t that hard and he always made sure to not drink to the point were he lost all control, after all he wouldn’t want to end like his mother.  
But than again, it was nearly impossible to stay way from that stuff in a place like this. The kids were bored, the adults frustrated and Yuri was too much of an adventure seeker to be a good boy and sit at home.  
  
He played darts in smokey bars with business men that bought him drinks, he kissed girls in the school hallways while their boyfriends where stuck at detention and he danced on top of pool-tables and sipped cheap strawberry-wine in parking lots and playgrounds with Ivan and whoever he had invited along.   
  
He maybe didn’t knew how to get out of this place but he sure as hell how to have some fun while being stuck.  
  
And he had no reason to feel guilty. He went to school and did his homework (mostly), he worked hard at the Diner and brought money home, of which he saved as much as he could. He was friendly and patient to his grandfather and helped wherever he could without complaining. He got on the bus and drove to another town to get dance lessons he paid for himself and he tried his hardest to not let his past weigh him down and move on.  
  
So really, In his opinion, he had every right to snap at strangers when he was stressed and why care anyway ?  
It wasn’t like they cared about him or tried to be friendly. He had every right to have some fun and run a little wild when he was being so responsible otherwise.  
  
He didn’t knew a different life.  


**xxx**   
  
  
Yuri was in school when he saw a motorbike driving past.  
  
It was the 10 minute break before his last lesson of the day started and he was in the schoolyard sitting on a dirty ping-pong table, sharing some grapes with a girl from his history class.  
Her grapes by the way, he wasn’t one for sharing his stuff. She was talking non-stop to him but he had been barely listening from the start.  
  
Then a motorbike drove past, a dark blue one and the figure on top dressed in all black and wearing a helmet, unrecognisable.   
  
They went back inside when the bell rung and Yuri spend his last lesson secretly painting his nails in a sheer holographic varnish beneath his table.  
  
He went to the Diner right after school ended, knowing that they were short of waitresses this week. Rita couldn’t come to work as her child was sick and well, Yuri may be an asshole but stand in the way of any mothers that actually wanted to care for their kids.  
He went in through the backdoors so he could leave his backpack in his locker and put his apron on.  
  
Due to that he failed to notice the dark-blue bike that was standing in the parking lot.   
  
Yuri hurried to put his apron on and went to wash his hands and took a look into the mirror, he added some more lipgloss before heading straight to the kitchen to see if any orders were ready to be brought out.  
  
It took him a while to notice him as he way busy serving plates.   
He was about to pour some coffee into a man’s empty cup when he felt the back of his thigh being touched.  
  
Glaring at the guy with the wandering hands, Yuri said: „Sir, please take your hands off me.“  
  
It was another one of those slimy guys with cheap ties that thought they were important and impressive enough to get way with harassing waitresses. They got a lot of them coming in here from time to time and Yuri hated them, having a hard time not losing his temper with them. But he would never ask one of his colleagues to take over for them.  
A lot of them wore skirts to work now that it was getting warmer and he’d rather take one for the team than watching the girls being groped.  
  
The perv didn’t seemed to care about Yuri’s request as a second later his wandering hand reached the curve of the blonde's ass. Yuri let out a sigh that sounded almost bored before he slightly tilted the coffeepot he was still holding. The burning hot liquid now spilled onto the mans lap instead of into his empty cup and Yuri took a few steps back as the man started bickering and complaining loudly, cursing at Yuri.The later one bit his lips to prevent them from forming into a grin.   
  
„You did this on purpose, you little slut. I wanna speak to your manager!“ The man hissed while he furiously scrubbed his crotch his a napkin.  
  
Yuri stayed calm and handed him more napkins as if he cared about actually helping him. „I’m pretty sure you spilled coffee on yourself when you were inappropriately touching a minor without consent, Sir.“   
  
The man was fuming and looked around for someone to confirm his side of the story. Yuri noticed how Petra wiped a already clean table down, acting like she didn’t hear the fussing.   
  
„You saw what happened, didn’t you?“ He heard the man screech.  
  
„Yes. It was exactly like he said.“ Yuri closed his eyes and briefly asked himself if this was the day he would really get in trouble. „You were harassing him, putting your hands on his ass after he politely asked you to stop and when he went to step away from you, you grabbed him. While doing so you knocked your mug over and slipped coffee all over yourself.“  
  
Yuri ripped his eyes open and yanked his head around in surprise.  
  
_Otabek_. He sat on his usual spot at the bar and glared at Mr.Coffee-pants, silently daring him to make a scene.  
  
Yuri stared at him, not knowing what to think or how to feel. How had he not noticed him? He really did come back!   
  
He only listened with half a ear how the costumer cursed loudly a few more times before he slammed some bills down on the table and stomped off.  
  
Finally Otabek looked back at him and Yuri had the ridiculous urge to drop the coffeepot and leap into his arms. But Yuri wouldn’t be Yuri if he didn’t add a smart-ass comment. „I had the situation under full control and I don’t need anyone to come and save me.“ No longer able to repress it, a smile finally took over his features and replaced the previous scowl. „But I appreciate the help, so thank you.“  
  
Otabek seemed amazed, smiling back slightly. „Don’t worry, I know that.“   
  
They didn’t spoke about their last encounter and Yuri’s horrible attitude from a few weeks ago, both silently agreeing to leave it in the past.  
  
„How long have you been here? I didn’t see you.“  
  
Shrugging his shoulders, Otabek answered: „ Not too long. It’s okay you were busy.“  
  
Yuri glanced out the window and there it was. The bike parked outside, which undoubtedly belonged to Otabek, was dark-blue. Just like the one he had seen about two hours ago.  
He didn’t said anything about it but his mind was running wild. Had he been waiting for Yuri? No, why would he do that?  
  
„Do you want some coffee?“ He asked weakly, trying to distract himself from his thoughts.  
  
„You mean in a mug, right? I’m a bit scarred of you now after what just happened.“   
  
„You’re an idiot.“  
  
„Am I? And I thought I could be your friend.“ Yuri felt his face burning. No one had ever asked to be his friend.  
  
„You could be both.“  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
Otabek visiting every few weeks became a regular occurrence and it was getting warmer. Yuri asked himself if he brought the summer with him every time he walked into the Diner.  
  
Against all odds, Yuri had started to trust Otabek and while he still wasn’t talking about his past or his family situation, that was more than anyone had ever gotten from him. He hoped that it wouldn’t come back to bite him in the ass.  
  
„What do you wanna eat?“ He asked Beka for what felt like the millionth time.  
  
„I don’t know. What do you feel like eating?“  
  
„I’m the waiter here, remember?“  
  
„Yeah but you always end up eating my food anyways.“   
  
„ I do not! I’m a professional.“  
  
„You’re wearing a shirt with a cat showing everyone the finger!“  
  
Yuri laughed.“It’s cool, isn’t it?“  
  
„Cat’s have no fingers.“  
  
„And you have no sense of humour. What do you wanna eat?“  
  
„Whatever you’re willing to get me. You decide, kitten.“ There was a gleam in his eyes that Yuri didn’t understood but his words made him blush anyway.   
  
When he came back from the kitchens with a full plate, he held onto it when Otabek went to take it from him. The brunette arched his eyebrow questioningly. „I’m a tiger, not a kitten.“ He glared without actually being angry.  
  
Otabek smirked. „Sure you are.“  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
Yuri in jean shorts had Otabek questioning his morals.   
  
The Diner was almost completely empty on the hot summer evening and they were sitting on the bar playing a card game. At one point Yuri had lazily draped his long bare legs across Otabek lap without asking or even acknowledging it and the older boy had forgotten how to play cards for a moment.   
The blonde was like a cat, making himself comfortable wherever he wanted and Otabek would have found it adorable if he didn’t need all his concentration to not stare at Yuri’s legs.  
  
Of course he had noticed them before, it was impossible not to but now they were stretched across his lap. He could see the faint blonde hairs on the shins, the fading bruises on the knees Yuri had taken while falling at his Dance lessons, the soft flesh of his thighs…damn it!  
  
„Otabek it’s your turn.“ He placed a card down without knowing what he was doing, Yuri would win again.   
  
How had a 16 year old managed to turn his head this easily?   
  
„Are you even paying attention?“ A blond strand of hair was stuck to Yuri’s lipgloss, he could smell the sweet strawberry in it. His fingers itched to wipe the hair away.  
  
„When is your birthday Yuri?“ He felt like a creep for asking and the younger looked surprised at the sudden change of topic.  
  
„In March. Yours?“  
  
„October. I’m turning 19.“ He wasn’t that much older, he shouldn’t feel like a creep. And as a good friend, he should know stuff like this.  
Why was he even overthinking this ? Because his friend was pretty and had nice legs? That only showed that he wasn’t blind, not that he wanted to pounce him first chance he got. This was just a crush, _at most_.  
  
„Will you drive me home later?“  
  
„Always.“  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
Summer-holidays meant that Yuri didn’t need to think about school at all but also that the Diner was either packed or almost empty, depending on the time and day.  
  
It also meant that he had a good chance of making some big tips from relaxed tourists passing through.  
  
These days Yuri was living in shorts and light shirts, he wore his hair up as sweat was forming at the base of his neck and running down his shoulders constantly.  
He was running around like a weasel, serving one ice cream cup after another before it got the chance to melt.  
  
Speaking of melting, when Otabek walked in a few hours later, wearing a tight tank instead of his leather jacket, Yuri felt his brain going mushy for a few seconds. He knew that his friend worked out and that being a mechanic probably also required a certain level of strength but he wasn’t prepared for so many muscles. He found them _ridiculously_ impressive, not that he’d ever fucking admit it.  
  
„Hey. Do you want a milkshake?“ He tried not to stare.  
  
„Do you ask everyone what they wanna eat instead of greeting like a normal person?“  
  
„It’s a job hazard, asshole. Do you? Vanilla is almost empty.“  
  
„Yes please.“  
  
„You were gone for a while.“ _Longer than usual_ , Yuri didn’t add.  
  
„ I was in Almaty, it was my sisters birthday.“  
  
„You fly over often?“  
  
„For birthdays and big holidays usually. My Mom doesn’t like planes.“  
  
„And your Dad?“ Yuri knew that he was nosey but he couldn’t help himself.  
  
„Died a few years ago.“  
  
„Shit Beka I’m sorry.“ This is why he didn’t got involved in other peoples business.   
  
„It’s alright. What about your parents ?“ He asked hesitantly, knowing that Yuri avoided the topic like the plague.  
  
And usually Yuri would but after his friend had just opened up to him, he felt like he needed to give something back. „I don’t have any.“ That needed to be enough for now. „I’ll be right back with your Shake.“   
  
When he came back, Otabek asked: „How long until your shift’s over?“  
  
Yuri took his phone from his apron to check the time.“ About an hour, thank fuck.“  
  
„What are you doing afterwards?“ He had never asked that before, usually Beka drove him home and then they parted. He was confused and slightly nervous.  
  
„I don’t know. What am I doing afterwards?“  
  
„Well I offered quite some time ago to take you on a longer ride, didn’t I? That is, if you still want to.“  
  
Yuri’s grin was uncontrollable. „Hell yes.“  
  
The next hour was far longer that it needed to be but once it was over, Yuri threw his apron into his locker and practically ran outside were Otabek stood next to a bike.

It was his own, surprisingly. „You weren’t working today?“

„No.“ He held a helmet out for Yuri to take and the younger boy felt oddly touched. He never expected his friend to come here if it wasn’t for his work.

Otabek put on a pair of sunglasses and asked: „Do you have a jacket ?“

„No? It’s way too hot.“

He watched how Beka took his leather jacket out from under the seat and held it out to him. “Put it on.“

„Why?“

„Because you’re just wearing shorts and a thin shirt. If we crash there will be nothing but bare skin blocking your impact on concrete at full speed. Needless to say that there wouldn’t be much of your skin left.“

Yuri swallowed and put on the jacket, now he realised why it looked so bulky. The leather was thick and had protectors sewn in, to shield his body in case of an accident. The clothing article was way too big for him, reaching down to his mid-thigh and it smelled overwhelmingly like Otabek.

Speaking of which, „And what are you wearing?“ He gestured over to his bare arms, at least he was wearing long jeans.

„Don’t worry, I’m a good driver.“ He said as he sat on his bike. „But I’m still responsible for you, so I want you to be as safe as possible.“

Yuri’s cheeks reddened slightly as he climbed behind his friend and held onto him tightly. „Thank you.“ He mumbled. _For everything._  
  
Otabek let the engine roar as an answer.  
  
Once they took off, Yuri didn’t felt hot in the leather jacket anymore.  
The wind was pressing against his bare legs and played with his hair that poked out from underneath the helmet. It didn’t take them long to leave the town behind and soon they were flying past cornfields and trees, colors mixing together at their speed.  
The sun was almost blending but no longer unbearably hot, Yuri watched how the light danced through trees as they passed with his arms tight around Otabek’s middle.  
After a while he realised that he was grinning. He couldn’t help it, he just felt so free and happy, enjoying the speed and calm that surrounded him. Feeling like he was floating through a colourful summer dream.  
  
Even if it was just for a short time, he had left that shitty town behind him. In that moment, he wished that they would keep driving like that forever.  
  
But eventually they had to stop at a gas station in a town that Yuri didn’t knew.  
When Otabek came back from paying for the petrol he brought two ice cold bottles of cola with him.  
  
„Oh god, thank you. My throat’s so dry I feel like fucking dying.“   
  
Otabek chuckled at the exaggeration. „You’re welcome.“  
  
After that they found some big boulders at the edge of a cornfield and they sat down on the warm stones, watching how the sky slowly changed colors. It wouldn’t get dark for several more hours.  
  
Yuri’s phone interrupted the silence. It was his grandpa calling. He had forgotten to tell him that he wouldn’t come home straight after his shift.   
  
He picked up. „Dedushka, sorry I forgot to tell you … yes I am fine … I’ll come home later … I’m with a friend … no not Ivan … that guy with the motorbike … yeah well I guess he is a friend too … if he wanted to kidnap me I’m sure he would have done it the first 50 times I’d climbed on his bike …yeah I’ll tell him … see you later, bye.“  
  
After the call ended Yuri went to answer the silent question on Otabek’s face. „That was my grandpa, I forgotten to tell him I won’t be coming home after work. He says I should tell you that kidnapping me is not worth the effort. I’d be way too annoying and moody and you would bring me back after just a few hours anyway.“   
  
That made his friend laugh out loud, which was a rare occasion so Yuri watched in fascination.  
  
„Your grandpa seems like an interesting man.“   
  
That however, made the younger smile. „He is the best.“  
  
„You’re close?“ The question came carefully. Yuri played with a clum, avoiding direct eye contact.  
He could trust Otabek right? He wasn’t pushing Yuri, he would accept however much Yuri was willing to tell him, right?  
  
„We are,“ he answered, „he practically raised me.“  
  
And Otabek wasn’t pushing, just nodded. „Should I drive you home then? Will he worry too much?“  
  
„Nah, he is … surprisingly laid back for an old man. God knows I’m not easy to deal with but somehow he has this deep calm within him, like he has faith that I won’t fuck up completely. It’s hard to explain.“ Yuri suddenly blushed, realising how much he was talking.  
As if Beka cared! „I-I mean we can head back if you want to.“   
  
The brunette just looked at him calmly. „Not yet. I’d like to stay a bit longer if you don’t mind.“  
  
Of cause he didn’t fucking mind.  
  
So they stayed for a while longer. At one point both of them defrosted enough to talk a bit more. None of them were particular chatty or revealing, especially Yuri but it surprised both of them how easy it was to talk to the other.   
When they came to talk about music, discussing their favorite genres and artist, Otabek told Yuri something that he just wouldn’t drop, no matter how flustered Beka got at his excitement.  
  
„What do you mean you’re a DJ?“  
  
„Not really a Dj, more like someone who makes remixes. Plays around with some equipment and than publishes it.“  
  
„Yeah, like a fucking Dj. Do you play in clubs?“  
  
„Yeah sometimes.“ He admitted.  
  
„I’ll have to see that.“  
  
„You’re 16!“  
  
„Hasn’t stopped me before.“ He shrugged casually.  
  
„Every bouncer would after checking your I.D“  
  
„They usually don’t.“   
  
Otabek went to ask why but than he looked at Yuri, _really_ looked at him. At his angelic face with he devilish eyes. At the long golden hair and back down to his never ending legs.  
He had seen how Yuri moved, with grace and determination. How he carried himself with confidence and swayed his hips while walking. If he really wanted something he didn’t took a _No_ for an answer and whether you were into the way he dressed himself or not, he was undoubtedly interesting.  
  
Now Otabek wasn’t one to outright brag but he did had deejayed at a few more occasions and clubs in the past. He also wasn’t stupid, he had seen how pretty girls had gotten into the clubs for free, especially if the venue was packed with business men and mainly male guests.   
He couldn’t remember them being asked for I.D’s either.  
  
„I see.“ He mumbled, feeling uneasy at the thought of Yuri being reduced to sexual objectification, hating the idea of anyone touching him like that man had a few month’s ago at the Diner ,before Yuri had spilled hot coffee over his crotch.  
  
Technically he knew that the younger boy could take care of himself just fine but _still_ …  
  
„You’d be a bad friend if you’ll never let me hear your music. I love music, you know?“ He watched how Yuri poked at a fading bruise on his calf. There was a line of frustration around his mouth and Otabek realised that he was _pouting_.  
  
„I’ll see what I can do.“  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
What turns out to maybe be the best summer Yuri ever had, passes scarily fast.  
  
The nights are way too hot to be sleeping so he spends them with Ivan and his new girlfriend Sofia, sometimes with her best friend Nina as well.  
They drink ice cold canned beer on the playground and all four of them squeeze onto the swings like they did when they were kids.  
  
Yuri sleeps during the mornings with drawn curtains and wakes up at noon with his sweat-damp hair sticking to his neck. He takes icy showers before heading to work. He switched to waterproof eyeliner and doesn’t bother with lipgloss. Everything was sticky enough as it is.  
  
Whenever Otabek comes to visit him, he smiles at him and ignores the lingering looks of his female colleagues on his friend.  
Not bothering with asking anymore, he just brings him something else to eat or drink every time and only steels his food half the time.  
  
When he’s busy working, he still makes sure to bump his arm against Otabek whenever he walked by or pokes his tongue out at him from across the Diner. It helps with the dullness of serving plates and the little half-smile he gets in return also isn't that bad.  
  
On the rare occasions when the Diner is empty and there is nothing to do really, Yuri gets them sugary ice pop’s from the freezer and they sit at the Bar eating them while Yuri stretches his tired legs over Otabek’s lap again.   
The older boy isn’t staring at them this time. He is busy watching Yuri’s mouth working over his ice lolly until he feels his own melting down his fingers.  
  
Sometimes they play cards, sometimes Otabek helps refilling the salt shakers. Thy can be silent together without it being awkward. They can talk, jumping from one topic to another.   
The more time they spend together, the easier it gets.  
  
Yuri becomes a little bit of a chatterbox around Otabek, which surprises both of them but in a pleasant way. Beka enjoys listening to him, finding himself never growing bored and is actually amused by everything Yuri manages to complain or joke about.  
Its exciting and unsettling on equal parts, how comfortable Yuri get’s around the older boy. How he enjoys making him laugh and how delighted he gets every time he notices that Beka’s full attention is only on him.  
  
He doesn’t feel invisible. Not once.   
  
  
**xxx**   
  
  
Sometimes Otabek brings books which he reads while Yuri is working, they keep him busy while waiting until his friend has time for him.  
Every few pages he looks up, watching Yuri. It’s like a magnetic pull.  
  
At first Yuri is frustrated by the books and he feels silly for that. He can’t expect Otabek to be watching him the entire time while he’s working. It’s more than generous that he even makes time to visit Yuri, to spend hours waiting for him until he is done. A ungrateful little brat he is indeed, Yuri realises.  
  
Later he realises that books are just another interest they share, even if they don’t read the same genres. But it’s another thing they can talk, well discuss about.  
Like with everything else, Yuri is passionately opinionated about them. It excites Otabek.  
  
Sometimes he reads out loud to Yuri when the other is cleaning the laminated menus or wiping the counter.  
Never being one to have many friends, Yuri asks himself if the friendship they share is similar to the friendship other people have with each other. If thats the case, he no longer spits upon the hype.  
  
  
**xxx**   
  
  
„To hell with that! Fuck those idiots. Fuck this trashy Diner. Fuck the stupid guests and fuck this ugly ass apron.“ Yuri hisses and rips said apron off and slams it down next to where Otabek sits.  
  
„Are you sure? You look cute in that apron.“  
  
Yuri doesn’t laugh. „Fuck you too.“  
  
„Bad day?“ He already knows the answer. He had seen the anger slowly boiling his friend from the inside during the last hour of spilled drinks, screaming kids and absent tips. He’s impressed he lasted until his shift was over until he exploded.  
  
„The worst.“ The blonde growls. Messy strands of hair are falling from his ponytail and there are violet rings beneath his eyes.   
  
„Let’s get out of here than. I’ll take you wherever you want me too.“  
  
„Don’t tempt me,“ Yuri laughs without humour,“ You’ll end up taking me with you, away from this goddam shit hole of a town.“  
  
Otabek’s belly flops at that and he has to bite his tongue. He’s sure that Yuri is more angry than serious right now.  
  
They end up sitting on the bike in front of Yuri’s house with the engine off and helmets in their laps. Neither of them had the desire to part yet, having had no time to talk today.  
Yuri still doesn't feel like talking. He is tired and moody and his head hurts. He puts it on Otabek’s shoulder, his back is still facing him after all.   
  
„Tell me something?“  
  
„About what?“ When Otabek speaks, Yuri can feel his deep voice vibrating through his torso which he is still leaning on.  
  
„I don’t care Beka, anything that comes to your mind.“ The nickname makes him feel warm.  
  
„Okay I will. Is there anything that you want to know?“  
  
Yuri sighs.“Where do you live Beka? Is it nicer there than it is here?“ There is a yearning in Yuri’s voice that makes Otabek’s heart clench in odd ways.  
  
And so Otabek tells Yuri about the town he lives in.  
How he moved there from Almaty because of the great job offer and about the shop he works in. That he likes his colleagues and wears a blue overall. That his hands are constantly greasy but he enjoys it.  
He describes the apartment he lives in and lists all businesses, coffeeshops and bars that are located closely.  
He talks about his deejaying, clubs that he played at and his music collection at home which spreads over cd’s, records and digital files.  
He tells stories about his friends at the gym, about people that he meets at the bar for a few beers every now and then and about a couple that he really likes, Victor and Yuuri.  
  
„They own a dance studio, you know?“ Otabek asks with dry lips. He wasn’t used to talking that much.  
  
Yuri wasn’t used to it either but he had listened to every word and his bad mood had vanished. „Do they?“  
  
„Yes. Victor is a well known choreographer for a ballet ensemble. His fiancé, Yuuri, is a dancer too. He works there now as a dance instructor. I think he likes teaching kids best.“  
  
„How did you met them?“  
  
„Yuuri found one of my remixes online and reached out to me, asking if he could use it for a performance. The tree of us met up and next thing I knew was that I was having one of the funniest nights ever. Victor is a party animal.“ Otabek chuckled. „Maybe you’ll meet them one day.“  
  
„Yeah maybe.“ Yuri wasn’t reluctant but he doubted it.  
  
„You dance too, don’t you?“  
  
„Not good enough for a ballet ensemble.“ He joked weakly.   
  
Otabek didn’t like how small his voice sounded. That wasn’t like his confident friend at all. „You’re probably right.“  
  
Yuri’s head jerked up. „How would you know, fucker? You’ve never seen me dancing!“ _There he was._  
  
„I just can’t picture you in a ensemble.“ He remained unfazed at the way Yuri was glaring holes into his neck.  
  
„And why is that?“ He almost hissed.  
  
Finally Otabek turned his head until he could look into Yuri’s fiery eyes. „Because you are outstanding.“  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
Yuri spends a lot of time thinking about everything that Beka had told him and wishes that his life would be more like his too.  
_One day_ , he thinks and saves up the money that he’d intended on spending on some cute sunglasses. Summer was coming to an end anyway.   
  
„You’re spending a lot of time with that boy. Otabek was his name?“ His grandpa asked while holding the ladder Yuri was balancing on while picking apples off the tree in their backyard.

„Yes.“ He dropped the fruit into a bucket. „We’re friends now.“   
  
„Real friends?“ The suspicious tone is justified but Yuri rolls his eyes anyway.

„ _Hmm_.“  
  
„Speak up boy I can’t hear you down here.“  
  
„YES GRANDPA.“  
  
„Watch your tone, Yuratchka.“ Another eye-roll, silence and then: „It’s good that you’re opening up, Yuri.“   
  
„Yes grandpa.“ He says and thinks: _It’s not like I’m letting him come close enough to hurt me anyway._  
  
  
**_xxx_**  
  
  
He’s wrong thinking so.  
  
Summer ends, school starts again and Yuri starts wearing black jeans and second hand biker boots but still slips on wet leafs. The weather changes quickly in Russia.  
  
There is not much do to in the Diner and he finds himself doing homework out of boredom. When Petra asks him where his friend is he snaps at her to fuck off. He hasn’t seen him in a while.  
  
When he does come walking through the doors, he’s wearing biker gloves and a scarf. It’s getting colder.  
  
„Took you long enough.“ Yuri greets grumpily and pours some coffee into his mug.  
  
„Yeah about that, give me your phone.“ Otabek holds out his hand.  
  
„Hell no. Did you fall on your head?“  
  
He doesn’t answer and keeps holding up his open palm.  
  
„Why should I ?“ Yuri’s curiosity wins.  
  
„I wanted to give you my number.“ His voice is calm.  
  
For good measure, Yuri glares a few more moments at him before taking his phone from his apron and handing it to him. He watches how Otabek creates a new contract for his number and then sends himself a simple text with a cat emoji, so he’ll get Yuri’s number too.  
  
After the blonde gets his phone back he asks: „Why now?“ They have been friends for months now but all contact they ever had was when Otabek came to visit. He had told Yuri that he wasn’t one for social media and texts.  
  
Which Yuri found fucking dumb, he loved social media. It was a welcomed distraction from his dull life.   
  
„So we can stay in contact.“  
  
Yuri arched his eyebrows together. „And why do we need phones for that suddenly?“ Any other day he would have been happy to get Otabek’s number but now he had a feeling that something was off. His friend kept biting his lips as if he was nervous and Yuri wondered _why_ , he was the calmest person he knew.  
  
However before Yuri could picture any scenario in which Otabek might had developed deeper interest for him, the older boy dropped the bomb.  
  
„Because we probably won’t see each for a while.“  
  
Yuri's mouth went uncomfortably dry. „What?“   
  
„The motorbike season his as good as over. Snow will be falling soon and the streets will be too dangerous to drive on. We don’t get commissions during that time of the year, so we stick to mostly selling and repairing cars.“  
  
What Otabek said made sense, what Otabek said made clear that he didn’t choose things to be this way.  
  
But what Otabek said also made sharp claws of anger tear deep cuts into Yuri’s stomach.   
So Yuri guarded his heart once again before the claws could do any damage to it by taking a small notepad and a pencil out from his apron and asked: „What do you wanna eat?“ He made sure to keep his voice completely emotionless.


	6. six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> angry kitten, mad kitten, little ball of rage ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please keep in mind that english is not my native language, I also don't speak Russian so let me know if I fucked up majorly. I really enjoy all your comments and opinions on this so please keep them coming. Enjoy reading :)

_A while_ , Otabek had said. The entire winter, he apparently meant.

  Yuri was mad. Weeks passed, snow fell and he had to mop muddy snow-slush from the Diner floor several times a day so he wouldn’t slip and break his own neck. He was so stubborn that he wouldn’t even admit to himself that what he felt was hurt, was abandonment and was painfully familiar. No, he would ban all kinds of thoughts that would dare to wander there and stuck to being mad.     
  
His grandpa had asked about Otabek once after he noticed the lack of any motorbikes around. He hadn’t asked again after he saw the look on his grandson’s face.    
Yuri’s winter-exams turned out okay and after that, they started decorating the house with Christmas lights and baked until they ran out of plates to put cookies on.  
  
Actual Christmas was quiet but cozy as always, just him and his dedushka watching the ballet of swan lake and old-fashioned Russian fairytales on TV while munching on chocolates and nuts after they came home from church.  
  
He spend New Year’s Eve at some house party Ivan had dragged him to, drinking cheap champagne that tasted like horse piss and shooting firework into the dark sky until his thumb burnt from pressing down on the lighter.  
When the clock stroke midnight Ivan kissed him to piss off his girlfriend who had been ignoring him all night.  
They were fighting for a bit until she decided that it was only fair if she kissed Yuri too in return, which she did before anyone could protest.     
  
In their drunken state, they found it hilariously funny and all three of them stumbled onto a couch with tangled limbs a while later. Jeans got undone clumsily, shirts pushed up in the darkness as the world started spinning. Yuri heard his friends kissing while one of them slipped their hand into his tight pants, stroking him until he exploded between warm fingers.    
Too tired and drunk, they fell asleep before anything else happened.   Hours later, Yuri woke up with yet another headache and his hair smelling strongly like smoke.  Ivan and Sofia were cuddled up next to him, both shirtless and still sleeping. Yuri buttoned his jeans back up, ignoring the uncomfortable feeling of his dried release inside and wondered if it mattered to either of them who had touched him.  
Because frankly, it didn’t made a difference for him.    
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
Yuri wasn’t giving credit to Otabek for trying to keep in contact with him via texting, _at all._    
He was way too sulky to do so.     
  
Yuri appreciated clean cuts, he liked to rip plasters off and preferred the brutal truth being spat out over any kind of sugarcoating.  
  
The fact that the older boy had the audacity to still act like he cared about Yuri by being nice to him and checking up on him, was like fuel for his fire.  He stayed mad at the brunette and ignored most texts he got, only answering when he had _nothing_ better to do.    
His replies were curt and full of excuses. _I’m busy working. My phone died. I was asleep._  
  
_Are you mad at me?_ Beka had asked and Yuri almost flung his phone across the room because of cause he was but how would he explain why? He wasn’t even sure himself.   
  
He wanted to hate Otabek for denying him the bitter satisfaction of being deserted. He couldn’t deal with the constant back and forth and the whirlwind of emotions crashing through him.  
  
He would really prefer a clean cut right about now.  
  
  But he never got it so some days he did end up throwing his phone at incoming texts from the Kazakhstani and went stomping outside to shovel snow until he calmed down again.    
  
_Otabek better never dares to ever come back_ , Yuri thought grimly, _I’ll prick all over his bike’s tires if he fucking does._  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
Otabek wasn’t sure why his friend was so withdrawn all of the sudden but it reminded him of the time before they started talking more to each other and he doesn't like it.   
Yuri texted without emojis, giving him no insight towards what he’s feeling or thinking, that is if he replied to him at all.  
  
He wishes that he could ask Yuri himself what’s going on and look into his face while he does so, hoping that the younger wouldn’t lie to him.  
    
Because Yuri is a good liar, he can sense so much. Even if he has no idea why he needs to be one.  
  
Glaring at the snow piling up outside, he cursed at the thick ice that was making the streets impassable and forced him to keep his bike in the garage. Being busy with working, his own social life and keeping in close contact with his family, he doesn’t have time to think about Yuri constantly. But he misses him, all the time.  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
When Yuri Plisetsky turns 17 years old in march, he makes sure to celebrate it with a bang.    
  
It’s a Friday and he doesn’t have to work. His grandpa’s Birthday present, alongside with a self-made cake and a beautiful leopard-print bomber-jacket, is to not whoop his grandson’s ass when said one skips school to sleep in and celebrate.  
Yuri eats cake for breakfast and thanks his dedushka with a hundred kisses for the jacket which was probably way too expensive.  
  
Later, Ivan picked him up with his Dad’s car to drive him to his present. Yuri was a bit sceptic but way too curious to not get into the car and find out what he’d planned.   
Sofia hasn’t come along even tho they are fine, neither of them had mentioned New Years again and at this point Yuri asked himself if they even remember any of it, having had much more to drink than him.  
  
It turned out that a big muscly man named Yegor was Yuri’s present. The birthday boy was more than confused until Ivan explained.    
  
Apparently Yegor, which is a tattoo artist, owns Ivan a favour and so they made a deal that Yuri can choose whatever he want’s and doesn’t have to pay for anything as a gift. He’ll also overlook the fact that Yuri isn’t 18 yet.    
  
When Yuri heard that, he grinned brighter than the snow outside and wondered whether or not Ivan might be his friend after all, and a good one at that.     
The temptation to get a tattoo was big but he ends up deciding against it. It would take several hours and he’s too picky to get a design onto his skin permanently that he hadn’t chosen beforehand.  
  
  So instead he get’s his ears pieced, several small rings on both sides until it looks like he spend years collecting them.  
 His ears were red and burned when he looked into the mirror afterwards but he’s grinning either way because he looks so _fucking_ cool.    
  
He is aware that he would have paid a small fortune for the piercings and the jewellery if it wasn’t for Ivan, so he makes sure to say his thanks.  
 Ivan says he’ll remind him next time he needs back-up during a bar fight.  
  
  As if Yuri wouldn’t have done that either way.  
  
„So what are we doing tonight?“ Ivan asked in the car while lighting a cigarette  
  
.  „Celebrating.“ Yuri shrugged, admiring his Piercings in the driving mirror. „ I wanna go dancing, so I guess the _Carmen_ -„  
  
His friend interrupted him before he can finish his sentence, groaning. „Boring. We go there all the time.“  
  
  „Well do you have a better idea? Because I don’t feel like bowling-alleys and pony riding.“    
  
„I do actually. There is this new club that opened a town over, it’s bouncing, supposedly.“     
  
„The one you old me about? That’s like an hour away. How would that work?“  
  
  „Well we have a car,“ Ivan patted the steering wheel „ and I’ll convince one of the girls to stay sober enough to drive us home in the morning. We both get pissed drunk and you’ll get the chance to shake your scrawny ass in a venue that’s a bit more glamorous than rundown _Carmen_ , so what do you say _birthday-boy_ ?“    
  
„That my ass looks better than your girlfriends.“ Yuri grinned.  
  
  Evening plans sorted.  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
„We’re going out dancing for the night, I’ll might stay over at Ivan’s for the night“  He didn’t mention _where_ they would go dancing and that he was most likely to not sleep at all until he passed out on the backseat in the morning.    
  
Nikolai squinted at him, he was still slightly grumbly about his grandson’s ears. _You look like a mixture between those dirty punks and a fairy now, boy._ His grandpa had scoffed, Yuri decided to take it as a compliment.     
  
„You’ll stay out of trouble, will you, Yuratchka? Don’t make me regret the trust I put in you.“ Nikolai reminded him with stern eyes but Yuri knew that the rebuke only came from a place of love.  
  
  „I won’t disappoint you, dedushka.“    
And Yuri meant what he said, he knew that some of the things he did would worry his grandfather, if he knew which was why he would keep it from him and that included never getting into any trouble that was too big for him to handle on his own.  
  
Yuri didn’t feel good about keeping things from him but his mother had caused Nikolai enough worries to last for a lifetime.  
It had made him age way too much.  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
It was the girls fault really, that Yuri ended up being dressed to the nines.  
  
Both, Sofia and her best friend Nina, showed up in short dresses and high heels at his house to pick him up, Ivan in tow and things had escalated quickly from there.  
  
It started with Sofia spraying glitter hairspray into his mane so they could _match_ and continued with Nina, who was the designated driver for the night, putting dark green eyeshadow on him so his natural green eyes would _pop even more_.  
  
Ivan looked rather bored while he waited for them to get ready.    
  
Yuri dressed in black high-waisted skinny jeans and a sheer black top that he tucked into his pants. He put a fake leather jacket over that since it was still cold outside and braided the sides of his hair so the rings in his ears were visible.  
  
The girls had way too much fun playing dress up with him, giggling and jumping around as they put highlighter on his cheekbones and more lipstick and perfume on themselves.     
  
„We should curl your hair one day, you’d look like an angel.“ Nina squeaked as she clipped a choker necklace around his neck that she’d found in her handbag.  
  
  „We should go shopping together. Why have we never done that?“ Sofia agreed with gleaming eyes.    
  
„We should _get going_.“ Ivan growled, obviously out of patience and Yuri agreed before the girls ended up putting him in a dress as well.  
  
 As much as he appreciated the work they had done of him, there was only so much makeup-talk and giggling he could take before it got too much.  He was still Yuri, not a Barbie doll and certainly not a girl, no matter how much he sometimes looked like one.  
  
In the car he shared a small bottle of Vodka with Ivan and was glad when the music got turned up enough to make any kind of conversation impossible for the moment  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
Lucky, the Club was bouncing when they got there and it was like a hundred times cooler than the _Carmen_ , which might only be because it was a new venue for them and they were excited to try a different scenery.  
Or it was because this club had an actual DJ playing on a balcony above the dance floor and cages hanging from the ceiling with girls dancing in them.  
  
 For a second Yuri had to think about Otabek while he looked up to the man standing behind the mixer and turntables but then he got dragged to the bar by his friends and he let go of the thought.  
  
Several sugary cocktails later, Yuri was dancing on a sticky table, shaking his hair from side to side and circling his hips to the techno beat.   
He’d been dancing with closed eyes but he was absentmindedly aware that his friends were sitting around said table, clapping and whistling at him even if he couldn’t hear it.  
  
The trance was broken when someone grabbed his wrist demandingly and Yuri ripped his eyes open.  
  
The man in front of him was wearing a suit and a earpiece, looking somewhat important and the blonde wondered if he’s in trouble now and if they will get kicked out of the club.  But the man isn’t as board as a bouncer and also doesn’t look as grim.  
He gestured that he wants to talk to Yuri, so Yuri squatted down on the table until their faces were merely apart.  
  
  „The people are enjoying watching you dance.“ The man yelled into his ear and Yuri looked and around at his words. And really, there were people smiling back at him, keeping their eyes on him.  
  
  „So?“ Yuri doesn’t understand and the club is too loud to keep up long conversations.    
  
„You could make money with that.“   He glared at the man.  
  
„I’m not a fucking stripper.“    
There are people in his town that are, and after the stories he heard them tell, he’d always been grateful for his job at the Diner. Even if he gets inappropriately touched there too sometimes.  
  
  „Neither are they.“ He man gestured and Yuri followed the direction of the arm with his eyes. He pointed at the girls dancing in the cages and next to the DJ. „They are GoGo’s.“  
  
  „GoGo’s?“ He’s too tipsy to understand the difference.    
  
„They dance to keep the mood up, to get the people going. No one is allowed to touch them and they keep their cloths on.“  
  
  „So like Cheerleaders?“ Yuri’s legs were starting to hurt from squatting down.    
  
The man chuckled soundlessly before he leaned back to Yuri’s ear. „Yeah something like that. I’d like to offer you a job. I’m the manager here.“     
There is no way in hell that Yuri will admit that he’s underage and his friends must’ve thought the same thing because they were watching with nervous expressions, unable to hear a word they were saying.  
  
„I don’t know if that’s for me.“ He wanted this conversation to end and go back to celebrating his birthday.  
  
  „I think it is. You’re fascinating the people with the way you look and move.“  
  
  Yuri just shook his head, he wanted another drink.  
  
The manager put a small card in the hand he was still holding. „Think about it. You’re a good dancer and it’s easy money.“  
  
After he left, Yuri jumped from the table and squeezed the card into the pocket of his tight jeans. He wasn’t sure what to think of the encounter.  
  
Ivan came over and was the next one to scream into his ear. „What was that about? Everything okay?“   
  
„Da, I’ll tell you later. I’m just thirsty.“    
  
His friend was grinning at him.“Than lets see who’s willing to buy you a drink, _birthday boy_. Shouldn’t be too hard to find someone after the show you put up.“   
  
It was much later when Yuri’s braids came loose and the girls were taking off their heels because their feet hurt from all the dancing. They sat down to take a break but Yuri was still going strong.  
His cloths stuck to him from sweat and a drink he spilled earlier on himself but he’s having too much fun to care.  
  
He had several free drinks and was in such a good mood, that he danced with everyone who bought him one.  Drunk Yuri was way more social and friendly than sober Yuri, he was also better at finding new friends.  
When he told his new friends that it is his birthday today, well _yesterday_ technically but _shhh_ , he’s delighted to find out that they insist on cheering to that with more shots.  
 He somehow convinces them to get a big tray of them and Ivan and Sofia clap their hands excitedly while Nina, which was grumpy about not being able to drink much, cheered herself up by making out with someone in the corner.  
  
Ivan snapped photos with Yuri’s phone because he’s sure that Yuri will forget most of the night and Yuri just laughed at that, licking spilled cherry-snaps from his fingers.  
  
  „Best _fucking_ birthday ever!“ Yuri exclaimed and kissed all his friends on the cheek, old and new ones. Ivan laughed loudly because it’s not like Yuri at all to do something like this.  
  
  In the early morning hours, he’s too drunk to properly stand so Ivan half-carries him out of the club while the girls stumble after them, heels in hand and squinting at the bright sunlight.  
  
He’s too weak to push Nina away when she pushes two fingers into his mouth and down his throat, while Ivan holds him up and his hair out of the way. Gagging, he empties his stomach into an alley.  
  
„Sorry but you’ll be thankful for it later.“ Someone rubbed his back.  
  
Barely able to keep his blurry eyes open, he witnessed in a daze how Sofia gets the same treatment a moment later, apparently she had too much to drink too.  
  
Like predicted, he passed out on the backseat as soon as they reach the car.  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
And woke up again still in the car only that it had stopped moving, instead it was parked in a garage and there was a old scruffy blanket spread over him and Sofia. He was shivering regardless.  
  
He had trouble opening his eyes, the glitter and dried tears glued his lashes together.    
The hangover would have been much worse hadn’t he emptied his stomach before but it was still bad enough to promptly vow to never drink ever again or at least for the time being.  
  
  His head was throbbing, his throat sore and he still felt slightly nauseous. Cold sweat and goosebumps made his skin itch and his hands were shaking a bit.  
  
Ivan was snoring lightly on the passenger seat, curled up under his jacket. It was his garage that the car was parked in, Nina must’ve driven them here before she went home.  
She probably also put the blanket over them so they wouldn’t freeze.     
  
Groaning, Yuri went to search his phone, wanting to know how late it was.  
  Apparently he had only slept for a few hours but still long enough for his grandpa to be already up by the time he went home.  
  
Switching over to his front camera, he took a good look on the damage. Like predicted, his face was a mess. His eyes glassy, even slightly red and with deep violet rings beneath them. Makeup and glitter were smudged all over his cheeks and his lips were dry and chapped.  His hair was a tangled, smelly birds-nest. Grandpa would kill him if he came home like that.     
  
Carefully and with aching limps, Yuri began searching for Sofia’s handbag without disturbing her slumber, hoping to find anything in there that would help him fix himself.  
To his relief, he found a small pack of makeup wipes as well as some chewing gum and a hair tie. He put the gum into his jacket for now and combed his bushy hair as best as he would with his cold fingers before tying it up. Then he scrubbed as much makeup from his face as possible while the glitter tried its best to stick to his eyebrows and lashes.     
  
After a while he gave up, deciding that it wouldn’t get any better than that.  
Before leaving the car, he wrapped his side of the blanket over Sofia, remembering her short dress. Then he went home.    
  
It took him about 2 minutes of walking before he felt his stomach cramp violently and he found himself retching, what seemed to be pure liquid vodka, into a pile of snow.  Afterwards he felt dizzy and sore but less nauseous than before.  
  Popping the gum into his mouth and pulling up his hood against the cold, he hoped that he didn’t smell as bad as he felt.  
  
Considering the circumstances, luck still seemed to be on his side because he made it into the house and then under the shower without running into his grandpa fist.  He washed his hair two times and brushed his teeth longer than usual, hoping to get rid of the alcohol smell and taste.   The sweet scent of his shampoo was too much for his queasy senses and he gaged again but his stomach was empty by now.  
  
After drying and combing his hair, he still looked shit but not dead anymore. Emptying his reeking cloths pockets before putting them into the wash, he found some spare money, his phone, some crumpled up paper scraps and a card.  
  Not in the mood to bother, he tossed it all on his bedside table and changed into a loose jumper and clean leggings.  
  
When he walked into the kitchen, his grandpa looked at him knowingly. „ Haven’t slept much, Yuratchka?“   Yuri tried not to flinch at his loud voice ringing through his throbbing head.  
  
„Hmm.“ He downed an entire glass of water, his mouth feeling as dry as the desert.  
  
„So you danced a lot, slept very little and even had a bit to drink, maybe?“ Nikolai’s voice was calm but Yuri knew that alcohol was a sensible topic because of his Mom.  
  
  But he wouldn’t straight up lie to him. „Yes, grandpa.“  
  
  „Well we talked enough about drinking for me to trust you that you wouldn’t repeat your mothers mistakes, right?“  
  
  „Yes dedushka, I won’t get into trouble. I was just celebrating my birthday a little bit.“ _With a little too much vodka._  
  
„You’re allowed a little fun Yuri, you’re still young. And while I’ll always worry about you because I care about you, I also know that you’re not like your mother.“     
  
Yuri’s stomach churned again but this time it had nothing to do with his hangover. „ _Ya tebya tozhe lyublyu, dedushka._ “  
  
That made his grandpa smile warmly and he ruffled Yuri’s damp hair. „Why don’t I make us some breakfast then? How about eggs?“     
  
At the thought of runny eggs, his nausea returned with force and his face must’ve turned green because his grandfather started roaring laughing at the sight. Maybe he was a bit cruel but best his grandson knew that drinking wasn’t all fun and games.    
  
„Maybe later,“ Yuri choked out. „I’d like to get some more sleep before my shift starts tonight.“ Then he stumbled back to his room.     
  
Nikolai smiled. Yuri was a wild child, there was no denying that but he was also caring and responsible when it came down to it.  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
Work was hell, there was no sugarcoating it.  
  
Yuri didn’t bother with any makeup or fancy clothes and ignored any kind of remark from his colleagues about it.   
He needed all this strength to not puke onto the guests food and prevent himself from falling asleep standing up.  
  
During his break he texted Nina, Ivan and Sofia. Thanking them for last night and letting them know that he wasn’t dead yet.  He didn’t even glanced at his favorite pie and make himself some tea to calm his stomach down.     
  
All he wanted to do when he finally came home, was to crawl into his bed and sleep until he stopped feeling dizzy. Instead he found a small packet sitting atop his blanket.     
He eyed is suspiciously before he called out for his grandpa. „DEDUSHKA? What’s with that packet ?“    
  
Instead of yelling, his grandfather came to his room. „Oh yeah I forgot to tell you about that. It came while you were out, vandalising your ears. I have no idea what it is but it’s addressed to you.“ The old man shrugged his shoulders and left before his potatoes would boil over.     
  
Yuri started at the packet for a while, ringing with his curiosity and fear.  
There weren’t many people who knew him, much less that would send something to him. He wasn’t stupid, it had been his birthday and now there was a packet for him. How many people knew about that? Even less.    
  
There had been times when hope would bloom in his chest, wishing for his parents to come back and explain to him that they never wanted to leave and that they loved him more than anything in the world. Those times were long over and these days the memory just stung.  
  
  Now he wasn’t hopeful, he was scarred.    
It took him years to realize that he was better off without them, if one of them dared to reach out to him now, he would go crazy, he was sure of it.  
  
One closer look at the packet’s tag and he would know.  
But what if he’d be too scared to open it, once he knew whom it was from?   He realized how ridiculous he was being, the headache and tiredness not making it any easier to not grow frustrated with himself. _Open the damn thing so you can move on and get rid of the remains of you hangover, you big baby!_ Yuri scolded himself mentally.   
  
So with closed eyes, he reached for the packed and ripped it open, dumping its content onto his bed without looking.  
He threw the empty cardboard over his shoulder and sat down on his bed, slowly opening his eyes.  
  
A smaller box had fallen out, previously packed in bubble wrap.  
Yuri briefly wondered if it had been such a good idea to dump the content so roughly if whoever had send it, had made sure to secure it safely.  
  
_Well damage done._  
  
The box was simple, black without print and not very heavy. About the size of his palm.  
  
  Inside were two things: A small card and a sleek MP3 Player with neatly wrapped headphones.    
Yuri instantly knew who had send it to him but he read the card anyway while his eyes burned with hot tears of frustration and anger.  
  
**_Words can be complicated and ambiguous, which is why I made music the language of my choice._**  
**_Some of the music I make is for everyone, some of it is just for me. And this is for you._**  
**_Happy Birthday Yuri._ **    
  
Yuri clenched his jaw, starring at the words until they got blurry. No, he’s not so sure if he would have opened the packet if he knew whom it was from.  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
Yuri’s self-control lasted about 2 weeks, which was quite impressive knowing how curious and bossy he was deep within him.  
  
  In those two weeks the busied himself with feeding stray cats and working for his final exams.  
He would finish school in a few months which excited and scarred him equally, so he needed a plan.    
  
On one hand, he hated school and couldn’t wait until it was over. On the other, it meant that he was technically an adult and free to do whatever he wanted and to go wherever he wanted.     
He knew what he wanted to do and where to go. He wanted to save as much money as possible and then _get the fuck away from here._     
  
But that wasn’t as easy, many people in this town had dreamed of the same thing and failed. It was the fear of failure, the fear of being stuck just like them that made Yuri worry for his future.     
  
And it wasn’t like Yuri could just leave his grandpa alone anyway, the elder wasn’t getting any younger and needed his help.  
 Nikolai had practically raised him, cared for him when no one else did and made sure that Yuri didn’t grew up to be a complete fuck-up.   No, Yuri wouldn’t show his gratitude and love by just leaving his grandpa on his own.  
  
So Yuri would have to work twice as hard, so he could save up enough money for the two of them to move somewhere where it was nice and safe for them.  
 It wouldn’t be easy, saving up and paying for his grandfathers medications, it would probably take quite some time too.   The thought of wasting a few more years of his youth here made him sick.    
  
And Heaven knew that it wouldn’t be easy to convince Nikolai to sell the crappy house and come with him. But this town didn’t even had a hospital close and the older his dedushka got, the more nervous Yuri got about that.  
  
Life wasn’t easy, never had been for Yuri Plisetsky but so far it had only made him stronger. He knew how to rise to a challenge.    
  
But that was the future and for now, he tried his hardest to ignore that damn MP3 Player he had shoved into his bedside drawer.  
  
He had worried that Otabek would text him, asking if he had gotten his present. Half to his relief, half to his irritation, he hadn’t. Yuri didn’t know what to think of that.     
  
His patience lasted about 2 weeks, then he gave in to the curiosity. And Otabek didn’t need to know, did he?   Sitting on his bed, Yuri took the black box from his drawer carefully and opened it.  The card fell out … _I made music the language of my choice_ … is that why Otabek hadn’t texted Yuri again? Or did he just gave up after his missing replies?     
  
There was something vibrating softly within Yuri’s chest at the thought that Beka had remembered his birthday and even gotten him a gift.    
The vibrating stung sharply as Yuri realized that he had forgotten Otabek’s birthday completely. He’d been too mad to think about it.  
  
  Biting his lips, he didn’t feel like he deserved a gift in the fist place. Was being angry and hurt a good enough excuse to treat his friend this way? Probably not.     
  
Yuri played a long time with the headphones, unwrapping them and then rolling them up again.  
 His grandpa wasn’t home, sometimes he visited some elder neighbours and played skat and bridge while smoking pipes and drinking tea. So he had the house to himself.     
  
There were no chores or homework demanding his attention, no shift he had to get ready for. Just time to fill and the curiosity that was slowly eating him alive.  
  
_Fuck it_ , he thought eventually and shoved the earbuds in, turning the device on before he could chicken out again.  
There were only 3 tracks on it.  
  
_Otabek Altin - dance the night away (DJ-mix) 1:34:16_  
  
_Otabek Altin - music on, thoughts off (deep house Set) 1:15:23_  
  
_Otabek Altin - the angry kitten (original mix) 0:46:38_  
  
Yuri picked the card up again and read Otabek’s words once more … _some of the music I make is for everyone_ … _some of it is just for me_ … _and this is for you_ …Yuri glanced back that the MP3 screen and huffed half insulted, half amused.   
  
_If this is what I think it is, than Beka made an entire DJ Set just for me_ … the thought made Yuri feel excited, nervous, touched and nauseous all at one.   It made him feel way too many things, Yuri decided and he didn’t feel ready to face them.    
  
So instead he clicked on the deep house mix, needing something to calm his nerves and being curious as to what kind of music Otabek mixed for himself.    
He closed his eyes and sunk back against his pillows and when the track started playing, he sunk into the music as well.  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
Once Yuri started listening to Otabek’s music, he couldn’t stop anymore.  
  
 On his way to school, durning his breaks, when the Diner was empty, when he was cooking soup for his grandpa, when he took the bus to dance practice, while he was reading and browsing through the second hand shops, when he was doing his makeup and when he couldn’t sleep at night - the headphones were in his ears and Beka’s music in his head.    
  
He hadn’t dared to touch his birthday track yet but he had almost 3 hours of music nevertheless.   
The dance mix was fire and Yuri could picture it so well being played in a club, the crowd going wild hearing it. It made him want to move too and Yuri wished he could let it play at the _Carmen_ and dance to it until he ran out of breath.  Instead he danced around his own room listening to it while he was supposed to clean up.  
  
  Otabek’s personal mix was unexpected and a lot calmer than the club Set, slower and with way more vocal parts.  It was relaxing but never boring, the beat and theme still captivating enough so you could dance to it if you wanted but worked as the perfect background noise as well, if you turned the volume down. Which Yuri did quite often, while he was reading or doing homework and the caught himself wondering, if Otabek was doing that as well.  
  
  Yuri soon found himself going nowhere without the small MP3 Player and he became aware that it was already one of the best gifts he had ever gotten and that without having ever listened to his own soundtrack.    
He was afraid he would get an aneurism by accident if he ever did.  
  
He knew that he should probably thank Otabek for the birthday present or at least let him know that he got it but he didn’t knew how, feeling conflicted and annoyed at how messed up this thoughts became recently.    
  
The only thing he knew for sure, was that day by day, it was getting harder to stay mad at Otabek.  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
The fist time he listened to the mix Otabek had made for him, happened by accident.  
  
His grandfather had insisted that it was time for spring cleaning which is what they had done more or less the entire day.    
Almost by habit, Yuri had put in the headphones and carried the MP3 Player in the back-pocket of his jeans while moving around the house. Cleaning windows and dusting lampshades, scrubbing the stove and trowing out old newspapers.  
  
It was already early evening by the time he came to sort through his wardrobe, which admittedly, was a huge mess.    
Yuri had the sloppy habit to dig through his cloths like a raccoon without patience for the piece he was searching for. He’d rumple and scatter the rest of his belongings and slam the doors shut before anything could fall out.    
  
He wasn’t proud of it.  
  
  With winter almost gone and spring slowly arriving, Yuri folded up his big woollen jumpers neatly since he probably wouldn’t need them as much anymore and untangled a big pile of jeans and leggings.   
Whenever he found an article that was ripped or damaged, he decided if he wanted to finally throw it out or if he could still wear it for dance practice and therefore keep it.    
  
The task distracted him so much, that at first he didn’t notice that he Set he had listened to, ended.  Only when he took a break from trying to find matching socks and taking a swig from a water bottle, he realized that he didn’t recognise the tune currently playing.     
  
Wardrobe momentary forgotten, he pulled the MP3 Player from his jeans and starred at the screen.  
  
 And there it was: _Otabek Altin - the angry kitten (original mix)_ currently 0:52 seconds into the mix.  
Yuri gaped and paused the track only to keep starring at the small screen.     
  
This wasn’t how he had planned for this to happen but than again, he hadn’t really planned anything at all, had only tried to not think about the mix if possible. He wasn’t prepared for this…  
  
Yet he watched his thumb hitting the replay button without further thinking and this time, he listened right from the start, taking every note in and focused on the melody intensely, scared to miss even a second of it again.  
  He stood completely still for a while until he felt his legs going weak beneath him. Slowly he sunk to the floor, right into a pile of jackets and coats that were yet to be hung up in his wardrobe.  
  
  Without moving, he listened through the entire mix with his eyes closed. _The angry kitten_ , Beka had named the track.  
 Named it after him, he knew and if there would ever be a soundtrack describing Yuri, _this one_ would be it.    
  
The music started mellow, a beautiful melody slowly gaining on emotion and meaning until it became bearing with depth and temptation. Otabek had added a beat, so faint at first that you didn’t notice until your heart already drummed in the same pace.    
He had laced vocals and lyrics so fitting, that each word tugged at Yuri’s heartstrings and fed right into the longing deep within him.  
  Every transition into another song was seamless, every song affecting Yuri in a different way. There were tragic ballades sung with delicate voices, mixed with a steady beat. There were punk-rock songs ripping through his ears with a guitar solo just as fast-paced as his own heartbeat.     
  
The music was feisty and seducing, then changing to gentle and flowing before it once again became angry and lout. And yet it somehow all fit together effortlessly. It was like magic.  
  
  Somehow, Otabek had managed to look right into his head and heart and created music from everything Yuri had hidden and guarded there, or so it felt.  
 It scared the shit out of Yuri, made his heart jump and stomach twist. Made his palms itch and his veins tingle.  
  
  How did Otabek manage to catch Yuri’s personality and put it into sound? How long did it take him to find the lyrics and melodies that fit him and how did he even know him so well in the first place?    
  
Beka had painted him with his music like a portrait.     
  
Yuri felt raw and vulnerable like never before, like someone had looked right through him, had seen him soul naked.  
But if that was the truth, than how come it sounded so beautiful and not screwed up at all ? He didn’t _understand_ …  
  
It wasn’t until the Set ended, that Yuri realized that he had his fingertips pressed to his mouth and that his lashes clung together wetly.  
Now sitting in complete silence, he could practically feel his pulse race in time with his thoughts, both running from something they had no chance escaping of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya tebya tozhe lyublyu, dedushka = I love you too, grandpa


	7. seven

Yuri listened to Otabek’s music until he knew every second by heart, until he could sing along to every song and until he could move his body, like the two of them belonged together.  
  Like he’d been made to dance for this. His legs weren’t meant for walking, he only learned so he could move them to this beat. His hips were there to be swayed, his shoulders, his arms … he was an instrument meant to be played by the music surrounding him. Always had been.    
  
But this was different. Somehow Otabek’s music hit deeper, echoed for longer and stayed with him. Even with the headphones out.     
  
Yuri brought the MP3 Player with him everywhere, brought it to dance practice and found himself staying behind until he was alone in the studio. His heart beat unreasonably fast when tucked the small device into the waistband of his dance-pants and put the headphones in.  
  
He wanted to properly dance to Beka’s music.  
Not just sway around to it while cooking or more jumping than dancing, in the small space of his bedroom. He needed to be able to spin without stumbling into a dresser, wanted to jump without having to land on his bed.  
  Ever since he heard the mix that had been made for him, he knew that he needed to dance to it. It was the only logical thing to do.  
  
_The angry kitten_ … Yuri could move like a cat, could be elegant and smooth. And heaven knew he had enough anger and energy inside himself that he needed to pour into dancing or he would explode otherwise.  
  
And so he danced, a whirlwind of long legs and waving gold hair blurrily flying past the large mirrors of the dance studio.     
Originally he had discovered his love for dancing by realizing it would pleasantly clear his mind and help him to forget about his problems and worries, freeing him from anger and pain and if it was only for a short amount of time.  During that time he always felt free, peaceful even when he managed to transform his rage into physical exhaustion.    
  
Today he didn’t dance with a blank mind, wasn’t able to and for once, let it happen without resisting.    
  
He thought of coffee-brown eyes, of gleaming motorbikes in the sun and the smell of worn leather and musky cologne. Pictures of strong hands with some grease left on them invaded his mind, as well as black combat boots swirling up dry dust as they walked across a parking lot and the smallest of smiles, tugging at full lips, making his belly flop.  
  He thought of damp-stained cards, sugary melting ice lollies and a summer that had been way too hot and way too soon over. With a unexpected stab in the gut by the end of it.    
Mushy snow, unanswered texts, anger and New Year’s Eve. Unbuttoned jeans, two different kinds of fireworks and cold months. His birthday, dancing and drinking, passing out. The packet, the MP3 Player, _Otabek_ …    
  
Yuri stopped dancing mid-spin, realizing that he music had ended and he was listening to static.  
Bending over, he panted, chest rising and falling like crazy. His lungs desperate to pump air into his body, strands of hair stuck to his sweaty forehead and his lips were dry.    
  
„Fucking hell.“ Yuri gasped, hands on his knees and his heart fluttering rapidly behind his ribs like a scarred bird.    
  
After he had his breathing under control again, he let himself fall to his bum, reaching for his water bottle. While he took small sips, he reluctantly accepted the fact that he was fighting with himself for nothing. He couldn’t control his thoughts, couldn’t help thinking about Otabek no matter how much he fought it.  
  
  It had been getting harder for weeks, if he was honest. It was getting impossible ever since he heard his music but stop listening to it wasn’t an option.     
  
Yuri bit his lips, feeling frustrated and a little lost. The sweat on his back turned cold the longer he sat without moving. In the big studio with high ceilings and mirrors on every wall, he suddenly felt very small and even a bit … _lonely_ ?     
  
Before overthinking things again, Yuri took his phone and opened his camera. He pointed it to the MP3 Player that laid in front of him on the worn wooden floor with tangled headphones, angling his phone so the dance studio was visible as well. A bit of the ballet barre, part of the large mirror as well. Yuri’s blurry reflection was caught as well, long legs and a wild mop of blond, his face not in focus.  
  
  Snapping the photo, he quickly send it and added a simple text:  
  
_**If music was a question, dancing would be the answer.** _  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
It was unusually warm for April, indicating that the summer that was about to come would be just as relentlessly hot as the last one.  
  
  Otabek felt actually nervous as he parked his motorbike in the lot of the scabby Diner, the most tasteless place he had ever longed to be.   
If his hands were slightly damp and he had to wipe them on his dark jeans, his face wouldn’t have given it away. He looked as stoic as ever as he walked to wards the glass doors, heart beating faster with every step.  
  
It took him about five seconds to spot Yuri and when he did, he felt the same flutter in his stomach that he’d experienced when the blonde had unexpectedly texted him a few weeks ago.  
  
Yuri had changed, Otabek noticed as he silently observed him while the other boys attention wasn’t on him.  
  
He had gotten a bit taller, legs, if that was possible, even longer. Or did the skinny jeans had that affect?     
His golden hair was longer, reaching almost to his shoulders which had widened slightly as well. Yuri was still dainty, still graceful but maybe looked a bit more … mature?  Otabek wouldn’t say that he looked older but he had changed. His facial features were sharper, high cheek bones and no chubby cheeks anymore.    
  
He was undeniable beautiful and Otabek couldn’t help staring.  
  
Yuri wore his shiny hair half in a pony tail, half down to his shoulders, exposing his ears that had a row of small rings in them each. A few golden strands framed his small face, kept falling into his unforgettable green eyes. He wore some kind of shimmer on his lids, making them shine all the more.   
Yuri laughed at something a customer was saying, trowing his head back and exposing his long pale neck. Otabek could tell that it wasn’t a real laugh, those were very rare and precious but he still appreciated the sight of his small sharp teeth and his glossy lips.  
  
  Besides dangerously tight jeans, Yuri wore a cropped baseball tee and white combat boots that looked way more dainty than his own biker boots.  
  
Not that Otabek wasted a lot of time thinking about shoes, he was busy staring at Yuri's exposed stomach and lower back. At the fine blonde hairs right above his waistband, only noticeable when Yuri turned his body and they shorty shimmered in the sunlight coming through the dirty windows.  
  
  Otabek’s mouth got dry and he decided to quit staring for now in order to find a seat at the bar. Yuri hadn’t noticed him yet but then again, he seemed busy for now so Otabek didn’t want to interrupt.     
  
A while later, Yuri came to a table near him. Wiping the surface with his back facing Otabek.  
  
And the brunette felt his eyes wander again, over moving shoulder blades and the smooth skin of his exposed back, down to the curved wonder that was Yuri Plisetsky’s ass.  
Only to get distracted before he could enjoy the view. There was a small dent in his tight back-pocket, something too small to be a phone but with a cable … something that looked almost like an MP3 Player.     
  
This wasn’t how Otabek had imagined them meeting again but his mouth opened before he could stop himself and the words just came out.  
  
  „I see you got my present.“  
  
He watched how Yuri froze at the sound of his voice, his entire body tense until he, very slowly just turned his head to gape at him.   „ _Son of a bitch_! Are you staring at my ass?“ He glared at him but Otabek could tell that seeing him here had taken him by surprise.    
  
He furrowed his eyebrows as well at the insult. „I’m staring at the present you still haven’t thanked me for.“  
  
  Abandoning the wiping-cloth on the table, Yuri came slowly closer, striding like a cat until he stood in front of Otabek’s stool.    
  
„Maybe my mother didn’t raise me right.“ He sneered, his eyes gleaming darker than usual.  
  
  „Clearly.“ Came the dry response.     
  
The younger boy was obviously taken aback upon being agreed with but recovered quickly, narrowing his eyes at the brunette. „Fuck you.“ He spat.    
  
Unaffected, Otabek raised a single eyebrow. He knew that Yuri acting up was a defence mechanism and he intended to get past that. „Is that all you got, kitten? Come on, you can do that better.“  
  
  He could practically see him fuming. „Call me that one more time and I’m going to punch your lights out.“     
  
Yuri was still shorter than Otabek but the older one had no doubt that his friend could put on a serious fight if he wanted to.  
  
„I’d love to see you try.“ He was aware that he was provoking the other boy but chances were 50/50 that the Russian would actually go through with it.    
  
Yuri clenched his fist but didn’t swing at him, instead he glared at him so intensely that it almost hurt more than a punch ever could. There was real anger and frustration in his dark eyes and Otabek’s mind ran a million miles per second to find out where it came from.    
  
„You know very well that I’m going to loose my job if I punch you, asshole. So you can go and fuck off to wherever the hell you came crawling from.“ There was undeniable hurt in Yuri’s voice, even tho he tried to cover it up with a snarl.    
  
Otabek backed down when he heard it. „And what if I don’t wanna leave?“ He sounded sincere.     
  
Yuri huffed humourless. „Wouldn’t be the first time.“ And turned to walk away.    
  
He didn’t came far, Otabek grabbed him by his wrist and tugged him back. Yuri stumbled and came to stand between Otabek’s legs since the older boy was still sitting on the barstool. They were almost chest to chest.    
  
„You know that I didn’t choose not coming back for months, right?“ Otabek was searching for Yuri’s eyes but the blonde wouldn’t look at him. „Yuri?“     
  
„As if I care about that.“ Yuri almost whispered, not sounding convincing at all.  
  
  „I didn’t want to leave, you have to believe that.“    
  
Yuri didn’t answer, didn’t look at him. Otabek didn’t knew what else to say so he let go of the boy’s wrist and wrapped his arms around him instead, which was a risky move. „Oh Yura.“  
  
  At fist Yuri tensed up, his throat going dry at the nickname. Otabek buried his face into the blond hair, inhaling the sweet scent and holding the younger close.    
  
When Yuri finally returned the hug, he pressed himself as hard as he could against Otabek’s chest and squeezed his eyes shut. He looped his arms around his shoulders and held onto him tightly, painfully digging his nails into the brunettes neck.     
  
Otabek gasped at the pain but didn’t let go of his friend.    
  
„You got sharp claws, kitten.“ He chuckled quietly and golden hair tickled his upper lip.  
  
  Yuri dug his nails a little deeper into his skin. „Don’t think I fucking missed you or anything.“ _Still not convincing_. Otabek only held him tighter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit shorter than my usual updates since I like to collect a bit before posting some (not that I originally planned for this to be like 10-15K words or something...) but I wanted to post this since I unfortunately didn't had much time to write last week and didn't want to let you guys waiting. Let me know what you think :)
> 
> I also made a Pinterest wall for his fic, full of visuals and Otayuri aesthetic for this AU. It's here:
> 
> [to be young and in love (Otayuri AU)](https://de.pinterest.com/jrotfuchs/to-be-young-and-in-love-otayuri-au/)
> 
> So yeah I'll be adding to that, as well as my other YOI walls so check them out if you're interested :)


	8. eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm crying, this is turning into a proper fic and I'm a useless writer who can't do short stories or one shots. Someone please teach me or come run me over with their car. I'm still having fun writing this story and I'm happy that so many of you are enjoying reading this as well. Lot's of love to y'all <3

Otabek visited more often now. More frequently than he did last year and when he parked his own bike in front of the Diner, instead one of the others, than Yuri knew that Otabek was not coming from his work but coming because he wanted to, because he liked to spend his time with Yuri.  
  
It takes a while for Yuri to trust his friend again, he’s used to people leaving but not to them coming back. Especially not for him. So he spends a few more visits from Otabek pouting at him even tho his heart fluttered when he sees him.  
He bites his lips to keep them from smiling whenever the other boy tells one of his dry jokes but when he drives him home after his shift, Yuri wraps his arms around him tightly.  
  
Picking up on the noise of the near roaring of an engine, Nikolai came to stand behind the kitchen curtains and watched how his grandson handed a helmet back to the biker, smiling before he waved him goodbye.  
When Yuri came through the door, he’s so deep in thought that he startled when his grandpa spoke up. „So he’s back then?“  
  
„Oh for fucks sake! You scared the living shit out of me, dedushka.“ Yuri held a hand to his heart and looked at him with wide eyes.  
  
„Language, Yuratchka. Now answer me boy.“  
  
„The snow is gone so, yeah, I guess he’s back.“ Yuri shrugged as if that was a proper enough explanation.   
  
„So you’re not mad at him anymore?“ Yuri unlaced his shoes and mumbled: „I wasn’t mad.“  
  
„Don’t lie to your grandfather Yuratchka, you were sulking for weeks.“  
  
He knew better than to contradict his grandpa so he pressed his lips together and busied himself putting his shoes away.  
  
„Next time he drives you home I want you to introduce me to him, he can stay over for dinner.“  
  
Yuri’s eyes widened again. „What? Why?“  
  
„Because you’re constantly climbing onto that blokes motorcycle, so I’d like to meet him.“  
  
„You never wanted to meet Ivan.“ Yuri protested weakly.  
  
„Yes and see what happened.“ Nikolai said and flicked his finger at one of the rings in Yuri’s ears.   
He didn’t mention that Yuri never cared enough about Ivan to be angry at him for not showing up and watched his grandson rubbing his ear before they went to make dinner together.  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
It was weird seeing Otabek sitting in the small kitchen of his grandpas house, on a squeaking chair with his hands on the worn wooden table.  
  
His leatherjacket was hung up by the door and he was dressed in dark jeans and a simple shirt, nothing unusual.   
Yet he seemed surreal between their chipped china with flower pattern and his grandpa’s newspapers on the table. Like something new and shiny placed onto a dusty, scratched surface.  
  
Yuri wasn’t sure how he felt about him being here.  
  
Being a gentleman, Otabek had shaken his grandfathers hand upon arrival and thanked him for the invitation. It earned him a approving look from Nikolai and Yuri’s cheeks to slightly blush.Then he had asked if he could help with anything, which both Plisetsky’s denied and ever since then, he sat at their kitchen table and answered every of Nikolai’s questions while Yuri chopped vegetables for dinner and secretly listened to every word. 

To Yuri’s relief, Otabek and his grandpa got along well. After the inevitable interrogation was over, they talked about cars and bikes since Nikolai had enjoyed to tinker on old cars himself when he used to be younger.  
During dinner and the longer they talked, Yuri could sense that his grandpa didn’t thought that Otabek was an irresponsible idiot that would kill him by speeding into a tree any time soon.   
And while Yuri didn’t really got a chance to speak to his friend himself, he didn’t feel ignored. Every now and then, Otabek would look him in the eyes from across the table and give him that little smile of his that caused Yuri to almost forget about eating his food.  
  
If Nikolai noticed, he didn’t acknowledge it in any way.  
  
  
**xxx**   
  
  
The days before Yuri’s Graduation were like his personal spring awakening.  
  
Exams are over, school certificates are written and even the teachers can’t be bothered to scold the soon-to-be-graduates that skip the meaningless lessons that are left until the ceremony. Yuri is one of them.  
  
He watches how most of his classmates get oddly sentimental and teary-eyed at the fact that their childhood is over now or some bullshit like that. Yuri can’t relate, he never really had the freedom of being a real child.  
Fellow students of him are hugging in the hallways and making promises of never getting out of touch. Rolling his eyes, he agrees with them. Mostly  because none of them are ever getting out of this neighbourhood. Soon they will raise their unplanned babies together and switch sifts at the local supermarket.  
  
Other than that, the looming Graduation also has bright sides. All the bullies are way too relaxed to pick on anyone, no one gives a shit about attendances anymore and a shit ton of people are using the occasion as a excuse to party.  
Despite having never spoken to most his classmates, Yuri gets invited to one house party after another. With school being over, the people seem to be friendlier and give less fucks in general.  
Yuri still thinks they are fake and knows that most of them have gossiped about him at least once over the years but he can’t be bothered to give any fucks either. And he isn’t about to pass up on free beer and the chaos that will inevitably take place.  
  
The next week was a bit of a blur, looking back on it.   
  
For the first few parties everyone dressed up a bit and tried to make an effort. But with each party that had people being pushed into kiddy-pools, puked on or simply drenched in sweat from dancing, they all realized that it was no use.  
Yuri kept his hair up and didn’t bother with makeup, somehow having his skin covered in sticky glitter permanently, anyway.   
  
Ivan was so overjoyed by finally graduating that he celebrated by drinking twice as much as everyone else and Yuri left it to Sofia to care about him. Instead the danced with people he used to hate but taking several straight vodka shots together and seeing them in their underwear passed out, somewhat made them bond. As long as they were drunk at least.   
  
Yuri smoked some shit, chased it down with booze and ended up puking into someones potted plant. He ripped one of his favorite jeans and laughed about it. Sometimes he woke up on a couch after a party was over, sometimes at home and didn’t remember how he got there.   
  
The fist person he kissed was by accident, don’t ask him how, the world was spinning too fast to answer that question.  
The second one during a silly game of spin the bottle, it was a boy and when he shoved his wet tongue down Yuri’s throat, everyone shrieked and hollered as if it was the most exciting, scandalous yet disgusting thing they had ever seen. Yuri rolled his eyes and made a point by kissing that guy for a bit longer, just to show them how it’s done properly.   
  
Then he kissed Nina.  
It started with a kiss on her cheek and she kissed his cheek in return. They giggled over the strawberry-wine they were sharing and the next kiss landed the corner of a mouth.  
From there on the wine was forgotten and they stumbled up the stairs and into someones bedroom. They lost their shirts, fell onto a bed. Yuri pushed her skirt up and let his hands wander over her curves. Between kisses they kept giggling.  
  
„Your hair tickles.“  
  
„So is yours.“  
  
More giggling, more kisses. Wet tongues gliding over sweaty necks and sticky skin. Nina gasped when Yuri experimentally licked over her nipples and Yuri liked the sound of it.  
In the dark room he couldn’t see what she was doing but he could feel her mouth traveling south, over his chest and down to his hips were she worked on the zipper of his pants before pushing them down.  
  
„Do you want to?“ She asked and Yuri told her yes. He had no idea what she had in mind but he was hard and too horny to care.  
  
When she took him into his mouth, Yuri silently swore that this was a hundred times better than getting jerked off. And the wet heat around him made his head spin faster than it already was.  
As if from far away, he heard himself moan.Before he had a chance to warn Nina, he came into her mouth. When he tried to apologize, she told him that she didn’t mind.  
  
Now, getting down on her was an entire different thing. He had no idea what he was doing and honestly didn’t really liked the taste of her but he wouldn’t be the asshole that only received without returning the favour so he tried his best until he heard her whimper.  
  
„And everyone thinks you’re gay.“ She panted when it was over.  
  
Yuri didn’t answer because frankly, he didn’t gave a shit what everyone thought.  
He found girls attractive, liked kissing them and just found out that playing with boobs was somewhat more interesting than just staring at them, which he had never seen the appeal in.Yet he didn’t like eating them out and couldn’t wait to chase down the taste with another shot of whatever came to his hands first.  
He knew that he liked boys. Had probably kissed more than girls and enjoyed the scrape of stubble, against his lips and cheeks. And now that he’d gotten his first blowjob, he wanted to try it out himself.  
  
Concluding, Yuri wasn’t confused about whom he found desirable as long as there was someone there to desire when he felt horny.  
  
During the next few parties, he got a few more hickies and shared a few more cigarettes with lipstick stains on them.  
When a boy with dark hair and brown eyes tried to kiss him, Yuri excused himself and went to find Ivan. Together they knocked back vodka until Yuri forgot all about brown eyes eventually.  
  
On actual Graduation Day, most graduates looked like walking corpses and Yuri was no exception.  
While washing his hair in the morning, the smell of vanilla-shampoo made him queasy until he bend over and threw up in the shower.  
  
For the ceremony, he wore a small scarf to cover up his hickies and deep purple shadows underneath his eyes.  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
School was over, summer was here and Yuri had no time to feel torn between excitement and fear as he was too damn busy working.  
  
Sweat was running down his temples and into his hair while he was practically running from the tables to the kitchen and then back again.  
Otabek had been sitting at the bar for at least half an hour and Yuri didn’t even had time to properly say Hi yet, having only smiled at him briefly before a toddler on the table next to him spilled his cherry juice and Yuri moved to clean up the mess.  
  
The first time he was able to talk to his friend was only because he had to go over to the bar to brew new pots of coffee, even tho he had no idea why anyone wanted a hot drink on a day like this.   
  
„Busy day, huh?“ Otabek leaned towards him and Yuri watched the movement of his arms, uncovered by the simple muscle shirt he was wearing.   
  
„God, you have no idea.“ Yuri groaned while quickly re-doing his ponytail, annoyed of his hair constantly slipping from its tie. „Maybe you should just drive home.“  
  
Furrowing his eyebrows, Otabek asked: „What? Why?“  
  
„Because we’re short on staff. My shift got changed to a double and I got the key’s today, meaning that I’ll stay here late to lock up.“ Yuri fiddled with some filter-cones.   
  
„So?“  
  
„So I probably won’t have time for you and you shouldn’t waste your time by sitting here all day in this stale hellhole.“  
  
„I’m good.“ Otabek answered, putting a book on the counter as if to prove his point.  
  
Starting to pour coffee into mugs, Yuri sighed at his friends stubbornness. „Beka…“  
  
At the sound of his name, Otabek looked up to him again before he suddenly narrowed his eyes. „Is that a hicky?“  
  
„What?“ Yuri’s hand flew automatically to his neck, covering it.  
It had been days since his graduation and the marks which were meaningless for him to begin with, had almost faded, only leaving small shadows of yellow and light green behind.  
Since they were barely able to see by now, Yuri hadn’t bothered to cover them in this heat with a scarf or thick makeup.  
To be honest he hadn’t even thought about them anymore.  
  
Damn Otabek for being so observant! But then again, did it even matter if he saw them or not?  
  
„I didn’t knew you had a girlfriend.“ Otabek interrogated, obviously not caring that this was none of his business.   
  
Yuri’s heart started beating faster. „I don’t.“ _Why don’t you just tell him to fuck off ?_  
  
„A boyfriend then?“ A blush crept across Yuri’s cheeks but there was no sight of judgement or disgust in Otabek’s eyes, only curiosity.  
  
„No.“ Yuri carried the coffee away before the older boy could ask any more questions and desperately tried not to think about whether or not Otabek thought he was a cheap slut now.  
  
It shouldn’t even matter.  
  
  
  
It took Yuri a while to cool off again, pushing his worries aside while he worked. It was over an hour later that he quickly stopped by Otabek’s side again and only to put a big glass of ice cold lemonade in front of him.  
  
„I have a feeling that you try to coax me into a sugar coma every time I'm here.“ Otabek mused. „All his stuff is really unhealthy.“  
  
„Shove it up your ass then, staying hydrated in this heat is really important.“ Yuri hissed and was gone again in a second.  
  
For a while, Otabek abandoned his book in favour to watch Yuri.  
His hair was in a messy pony tail, his face bare save for some shiny lipgloss. Light violet shadows beneath is eyes showed how exhausted he really was but it didn’t negate the fact that he was still unfairly pretty.   
  
He wore a pair of dusty converse, leopard print of cause. A few scratches and bruises adorned his long legs which were barely covered by a tiny pair of denim shorts. The loose baby-pink shirt that he wore, rode up every time he did so much as to slightly move his arms and kept slipping off one shoulder, exposing Yuri’s hips and collar bones as the boy whirled around the Diner, too busy to notice all the looks he got.  
  
Otabek thought that he looked like a teenage dream that hopped straight from the cover of one of the pastel colored girly-magazines that his sisters loved to read so much.  
They were full of articles about celebrity gossip, makeup tips and flirting advise. And while Otabek knew that Yuri was a mixture of cotton candy and punk rock, that he needed no help with his makeup or flirting, he still wished that the younger boy wouldn’t need to be nice to rude guests with wandering hands and thinning hair, in a place that made his beautiful hair smell like frying oil and made him form fists more often than smiles.  
  
Instead he wished that the blonde could wear whatever he wanted without being looked at weirdly and that people would only talk about him because they wanted to be like him, that Yuri could eat _the top 10 of the most delicious ice creams this summer_ just like the people did on the cover of those silly teenage magazines. That they could spend lazy summer days together without the constant worry weighing the younger boy down.  
  
But there wasn’t a beach around for miles and and those magazines were all just an ideal to begin with.  
  
Otabek’s ass did, in fact, hurt from sitting down all day as the last guest left the Diner and the cook shortly after him, giving Yuri a short nod goodbye.  
Meanwhile, Yuri turned the _Open_ sign at the door around and slumped into the first seat available, several feet away from Otabek.  
  
„What are you doing there?“ The older laughed. Yuri slid down the seat like his bones had turned into liquid.  
  
„I need at least another hour before I’ll move again. Wiping the floor needs to wait.“   
  
„You should do it now, I would even help you.“ Yuri groaned. “Business before pleasure, right?“ Otabek tried again.  
  
„It would be a pleasure if you’d shut the fuck up.“

"Keep being this charming and I’ll keep your surprise to myself.“  
  
This made Yuri perk up. He opened his eyes and sat up straight. „Surprise? For me?“   
  
Now it was Otabek’s turn to smile sheepishly. „It’s nothing, really. I just have something for you and well since you didn’t expect it, I guess it counts as a surprise but it’s nothing big and-„   
  
Before finishing his sentence, Yuri had already jumped up and slid across the floor until he stood directly in front of the brunette. His wide eyes shone in excitement and he could barely contain a grin.  
  
Otabek watched in wonder, feeling himself smile. „Where do you take all that energy from? You were practically half asleep a second ago.“  
  
„I snort ground coffee during my breaks. Now show me?“  
  
„You’re a impatient little brat.“   
  
„You said I was charming.“ Yuri grinned.  
  
Otabek only shook his head at him. „Shut up and close your eyes.“  
  
„Why?“  
  
„Would you just do it? For once?“ Yuri narrowed his eyes one last time at his friend before he did as he was told.  
  
However, he hadn’t said anything about keeping his mouth shut. „Why did you even get me anything?“  
  
„You graduated, didn’t you?“   
  
At this, he almost ripped his eyes open again.“You remembered?“  
  
„You told me.“ Otabek simply said, as if it was obvious that he wouldn’t forget anything that Yuri had mentioned to him. „ And it’s just something small, to say congratulations.“   
  
Yuri’s throat suddenly felt tight. „Thank you.“  
  
„You haven’t seen it yet.“  
  
„Still.“ His voice had gone smaller.  
  
„Okay look. I didn’t wrap it because I’m shit at that kinda stuff but I figured you wouldn’t care all that much.“  
  
Yuri opened his eyes and found a longish white box sitting on the bar-counter next to him.  
It was about the size of a pen and had a brandname printed on it in shiny gold letters that he didn’t knew. Raising is eyebrows in question at Otabek, who was watching every of his movements with a small smile, he reached out to open it.  
  
All breath left Yuri when he saw what was inside. „Oh.“ The word came out shaky.  
It was lipgloss, just lipgloss but it made Yuri incredibly happy. It was a nice one, with a proper applicator and in the prettiest shade of soft nude-pink.  
  
Yuri was used to trashy cheap stuff from the drugstore, with a sticky texture, plastic-y taste and the chemical smell of fake strawberries that went sour after a while.   
This one didn’t seem cheap at all. On the package it said that was long lasting and waterproof, it was simple but very pretty and without trashy glitter in it. It was the kind of product Yuri would longingly stare at in the mall but never actually get because it was ridiculously overpriced for a lipstick.  
  
„Do you like it?“ Otabek asked while Yuri was still busy staring at the small tube. „I know nothing about stuff like that but I noticed that you wear it all the time. I also noticed that your hair sometimes sticks to your lips or that you get it all over your mugs or lips. So the lady at the shop who helped me pick it said that it dries matte, _whatever that means_ , and that it’s waterproof and smudge-proof, kiss-proof and probably also bulletproof.“ Otabek laughed. „Yuri?“  
  
The blonde still hadn’t anything and kept staring.  
  
Otabek had gotten this for him, had remembered his graduation and considered it to be important enough to get him a present.  
  
Otabek, who’s upper arms were probably wider than Yuri’s thighs, who dressed in black and leather, who worked out and drove motorbikes 3-times the weight of him had gotten Yuri some stupid lipgloss.  
Yuri who had always been lean and dainty, who’s mother had only thought him to be a pretty boy and therefore let his hair grow, Yuri who all his life - had either been hit in the face or hit on unwillingly by men that considered him weaker or willing for the way he dressed and looked.  
Men who thought that they were stronger and bigger, ones that thought that they could do whatever they wanted because it was their _right_ to do so.  
  
Otabek could have easily been one of them, he was bigger and stronger, a bad boy in appearance.  
But he wasn’t anything like the men that had tried to make Yuri’s life living hell. He was respectful and accepting and he had bought him _fucking lipgloss!_  
  
„Yuri?“  
  
„I“- Yuri’s throat was still tight and he felt embarrassingly touched. _Which kind of emotional fuck-up gets all weepy over some makeup? Get a grip, Plisetsky!_ He tried again: „Fuck Beka, of cause I like it.“  
  
Otabek grinned.  
  
„But I can’t keep it.“   
  
The grin fell. „What? Why?“  
  
„It’s too much.“ Yuri felt his ears getting hot.  
  
„It’s a lipgloss.“ Otabek answered in a tone that suggested that Yuri had a screw loose.  
  
_No it’s not you idiot!_ Yuri wanted to scream. _It’s acceptance and validation. It’s thoughtful and lovely and it’s wasted on me!_  
  
„No Beka, this is some high-end makeup shit. It’s expensive.“  
  
Otabek was at least as stubborn as Yuri, completely ignoring his last statement: „It’s a present. You’re supposed to keep it.“  
  
„It’s a waste.“ Yuri blurted out who got more frustrated by the second. Didn’t Otabek understand?  
  
Apparently not. „What?“ Eyebrows knitted together.  
  
„What is it worth in a place like this?“ Yuri hissed, gesturing angrily around the scabby Diner and the dirty floor. „It’s wasted. Why wasting something so pretty in a shitty place like this were no one appreciates it? That’s like throwing a diamond into the trash.“   
  
Damn Yuri and his short temper. As soon as he was done yelling, he regretted his outburst. Normally he was good at keeping his insecurities deeply hidden but Otabek was scarily good at getting under his skin.   
  
Meanwhile Otabek looked at Yuri like the blonde had gone crazy and with every silent second that passed, the Russians heartbeat only seemed to get louder.  
When Otabek finally did speak, his voice was calm and soft: „Why are you here then? You wanna talk pretty things going to waste and getting no appreciation in a place like this?“ The look in Otabek’s eyes was too intense to look away. „Don’t you get it, Yura? You’re a diamond among trash.“   
  
He said it with such calm honesty that Yuri didn’t even feel like gagging. It did other things to him.  
  
For a moment he couldn’t decide between sinking to the floor and start crying or kicking Otabek brutally in the chest so the older would go flying backwards from the bar-stool.  
  
He felt like doing both. He felt like screaming and laughing and hitting and hugging him at the same time. It made absolutely no sense.   
  
Yuri must have looked at Otabek with eyes wide as saucers, for the older boys cheeks reddened slightly as he thought over what he just said.   
Not that he didn’t mean it but the look in Yuri’s eyes was enough to make him question every of his moves and words he’d used in the past few minutes and which of them had might turned his expression so raw and incredulous, surprised and … almost fearful? No, not exactly but Otabek couldn’t place the emotions that flickered across the blonde’s face rapidly, especially since he was used to Yuri trying to hide them from everyone.  
  
In an attempt to lighten the mood and bring Yuri to finally talk again, he joked: „And one way or another, you’ll have to keep it. I already threw the receipt away and I don’t think this colour would match my eyes.“ He added a small grin for good measure.   
  
Whether or not he wanted to, Yuri couldn’t help but laugh. „Okay.“ He said softly and after a few moments of composing himself, he added with a steadier voice: „Thank you Beka. It’s fucking pretty, I love it.“  
  
„I’m glad you like it.“  
  
_And I’m glad that you’re not making a big deal about me making a big deal about almost fucking everything_ , Yuri thought.  
  
„But you gotta stop giving me stuff.“  
  
„You give me stuff all the time too.“ Otabek reminded him. „Free coffee and fries, milkshakes and pie … maybe diabetes and that mentioned sugar coma too. I still haven’t figured out if this is all just you plotting my slow death or…“ He left the rest of the sentence hanging in the air, impishly grinning at the pinched pout Yuri was wearing.   
  
„You know that’s not what I mean. It’s not the same thing.“  
  
Risking Yuri’s wrath once again by ignoring him, Otabek just changed the topic: „How about you let me see if the colour I choose will match _your_ eyes?“   
  
Yuri narrowed said eyes briefly at Otabek, letting the older know that he didn’t appreciate being ignored but in the end, he was too curious and excited about this present himself to sulk for long.  
Grinning, he fished a tissue out of one of the near napkin holders and wiped the shiny goo from his lips in a trained motion.   
  
Otabek watched in silent fascination how the blonde used the metal surface of the same napkin holder as a mirror while he slowly and carefully applied the pink substance to his lips with more precision that Otabek had thought someone as impatient as Yuri was capable of.  
  
Meanwhile Yuri was busy trying to stop his hand from shaking so he wouldn’t end up looking like a clown. Despite him keeping his eyes on the mirrored surface, he felt Otabek’s gaze on him with a burning intensity.  
  
„Looks good.“  
  
Now Yuri’s hand almost really slipped. He was used to getting compliments but like everything involving Otabek, this was a bit … different.  
  
„It’s not done yet.“ He decided it was safer to not respond to the compliment and screwed the lid back on the gloss.  
From the corner of his eyes, he could see Otabek knitting his eyebrows in confusion.  
  
„Not?“  
  
„It needs to dry.“  
  
„And the other stuff doesn’t?“ Despite his confusion, he sounded genuinely curios. It was almost cute.   
  
„Well that was kinda the point, wasn’t it? Waterproof, kiss-proof, bulletproof, remember?“ Yuri laughed showing is sharp white teeth.  
  
_Is this what getting hypnotised feels like ?_ „Oh yeah, I guess that makes sense.“ Otabek answered half-heartedly while still looking at Yuri’s now dusty-rose lips. The colour _did_ suit him, altogether not just his eyes.  
  
Yuri took one last look at himself, seemingly pleased with the way he looked before he put the napkin holder back in its place and the gloss in his jeans pocket. „God you’re an idiot.“ He told Otabek but there was no malice behind his words.  
  
_If I got a kiss for every insult …_ The thought crossed Otabek’s mind out of nowhere and took him by surprise.  
  
It wasn’t until Yuri jerked his head up and stared at him, mouth open, that he realised that he accidentally voiced his last thought out loud. His mouth went dry.   
  
Yuri was the first one to pull himself together, despite his heart suddenly beating just as fast as Otabek’s.  
Not that he knew that.  
  
Unsure what to do but refusing to let this get any more awkward, he narrowed his eyes challengingly and stared the older boy down who seemed more concerned about Yuri’s reaction than the actual sentence that he just blurted out.  
  
Secretly, Yuri was impressed. If that had happened to him, joke or not, he would probably go bortsch-red and pray for the ground to swallow him whole.   
  
Otabek was either too cool or too stubborn to do so.   
  
Chin raised and eyes glaring at the brunette despite his own racing pulse, Yuri didn’t back down: „Are you making demands now, _Altin_ or is this your weak attempt at trying to stop me from swearing and telling the truth? Because as far as I can tell, you _one big fucking idiot_.“ He made sure to really emphasise the last four words and grinned when he saw how Otabek clenched his jaw.  
  
„Careful, Plisetsky. One day that big mouth of yours will get you in trouble.“  
  
„Always has, always will.“ Yuri answered, eyes fixed on Otabek’s dark ones and he felt himself leaning in closer to him as if they were magnetic. He had a look in them that made the fine hairs at the back of Yuri’s neck stand up and had him moving without thinking.  
In one swift motion, he slid from his stool and stepped between Otabek’s open legs. Yuri didn’t see how the expression in the older boys eyes turned questioning for a second as he leaned in even closer and pressed his lips to Otabek’s cheek, placing a kiss on olive skin.  
  
When he drew back, he didn’t feel ready to meet Otabek’s eyes right away. Instead he placed his fingers on his friends jaw to gently turn his face to the side. When he wasn’t met with any resistance, he let his eyes wander over dark skin, wondering whether or not he had left a lipstick mark.  
  
„Definitely kiss-proof.“ He said with a breathy voice and let his fingers linger on Otabek’s face for a few more seconds.


	9. nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy fuck this chapter is over 10K long! (the whole thing was supposed to be this long smh). Anyway, I'm a bit nervous about this Chapter since I never get second opinions until I upload so let's just hope that this isn't a giant fail. Things ... go down in this Chapter. Omg here we go, enjoy:

Yuri doesn’t mind double shifts and he doesn't mind when one of the other waitresses can’t come in because it means more tips for him and less annoying glances in his direction whenever Otabek comes to visit.   
Now that school is over for good, he actually asks for the evening and nightshifts, enjoying sleeping in slightly after a long night out and the missing intensity of the burning sun after it went down.  
Yes it means more work when he’s the one that has to lock up the Diner and clean up after everyone, wiping the tables and the floor, throwing out the trash and refilling saltshakers, napkin holders and ketchup bottles.  
  
But he enjoys the silence of the place that is usually unbearably loud with clattering tableware, crying kids and yelling moms and people that talk as loudly into their phones as if they were alone.   
He doesn’t mind cleaning up when no one is there to scold him for turning the music all the way up and dancing between the tables while he collects dirty dishes and scrubs away dried coffee stains.   
  
Sometimes Otabek is there with him but then he doesn’t dance and leaves the music quietly playing in the background so they can talk instead. No matter how often Otabek offers to help Yuri clean up, the blonde never lets him. He still sometimes catches the older boy refilling the sugar or toothpicks when he thinks Yuri is busy with something else.   
Whenever that happens he wants to scold him but instead he finds himself watching Otabek, unable to fight off a smile creeping onto his lips. There are days when they stay behind even after everything is cleaned up to eat leftover pie that Yuri was supposed to throw away or to simply talk when they don’t feel like going home yet.  
  
Yuri still doesn’t speak about his parents, barely mentions his childhood.   
Otabek tries to subtly coax him into opening up by talking about his own family and childhood, the house he grew up in and his home country in general. But while Yuri listens with genuine interest and a smile that sometimes turns a little sad, he doesn’t spill his past. Otabek is smart enough to understand that this isn’t because Yuri isn’t trusting him but because whatever happened, is buried so deeply that it isn’t as easy to simply bring it up again.   
  
Instead they talk about Otabek’s work and what he does with his free time that he isn’t spending here, about the weird couple from the dance studio that Otabek insists Yuri should visit some day and music. Over and over again.  
While Yuri told Otabek how much he loved everything that’s on the MP3 Player, he didn’t admit how obsessively he still listens to it. He always wants to know if Otabek is working on something new and practically buzzes with excitement whenever his friend pulls out some headphones to show him.   
  
Then he has to force his feet to keep still and demands that Otabek sends him a link to download it as soon as it’s finished.   
Otabek thinks that nothing ever made his heart beat as fast as the sight of Yuri smiling with closed eyes, long golden lashes casting shadows over high cheekbones, while he listens to the music Otabek made. It makes his chest swell with pride and happiness.   
  
At least that is until he sees him dancing for the first time.   
  
It was another late evening in the early summer and they were the last ones at the Diner, the opening sign at the door already turned around and and most of the harsh neon-lights turned off since they hurt Yuri’s eyes and made his head pound after spending too much time looking at them.   
Most of the cleaning was already done, so he was sitting on the bar-counter next to Otabek, long legs dangling down and brushing against his friends knees from time to time since the latter decided to sit down on one of the bar stools _like a decent human being._ Otabek’s choice of words, not Yuri’s.  
  
The blonde had only rolled his eyes and swung his legs back and forth faster until the heels of his shoes hit the counter annoyingly. After a few seconds and without saying anything, Otabek had placed his hand on Yuri’s bare knee, a silent request for him to stop.  
Both of them saw the goosebumps rising on Yuri’s naked skin but neither said anything about it. Otabek took his hand away after a few moments and Yuri kept his legs mostly still after that.   
  
Then they went back to folding napkins and talking about casual things like treasures Yuri had found in second hand shops over the years, the fact that he hated going to church and only did it so his grandpa didn’t need to go alone.   
Not that Nikolai forced his religion on Yuri but it still made the old man happy when they went together.   
Somehow their conversation drifted back to music after a while, with Otabek mentioning that he was working on a new club mix.  
  
„What’s with the one you put on my MP3? I like that one.“  
  
„It’s an old one. I already send out multiple demo’s with that.“ Otabek fiddled with a napkin, his pile of finished ones much smaller than the one Yuri had already folded.  
  
„So?“ Yuri didn’t knew much about DJ-ing but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t eager to learn more about it so he could figure out what his friend was talking about without feeling like an idiot.  
  
„Well there is that club manager that listened to that demo. He wants to give me a chance and if he ends up liking what I’m doing, he might book me again in the future.“   
  
Yuri stopped folding his napkin. „Does that mean you have a gig? At this club?“   
  
Otabek grinned sheepishly. „Yeah.“  
  
„I want to come.“   
  
„Yuri…“  
  
„I can’t believe you didn’t tell me! You traitor.“  
  
„I did. Just now.“ He put his wrinkly napkin aside as well.  
  
„Excuses.“ Yuri huffed. „So when is it?“  
  
„Soon.“ He got kicked in the knee for that answer.   
  
„Am I known for being patient ? I need details, Altin.“   
  
„You need to stop acting like a child.“ Otabek growled and rubbed his knee.   
  
Yuri frowned, „Oh this is what it’s about, right? I forgot you have a stick up your ass. You won’t tell me because I’m still underage.“  
  
Otabek could easily curl his hands around Yuri’s small ankles, which was exactly what he did to prevent the blonde from kicking out again.   
  
„Well you don’t give me much reason to think any different when you’re acting like this.“   
  
„We had this discussion before. I don’t need your permission to get into a club.“ Yuri hissed and tried to kick his legs free, unsuccessfully.   
  
„Good luck finding the club then because I surely won’t tell you the name, or the date.“ Otabek said calmly.  
  
„I’ll just goggle it.“   
  
„Do you think I DJ under my actual name? You won’t find anything.“   
  
Slowly, Yuri’s frustration turned into actual anger. „Let me go.“  
  
„No.“   
  
„Why are you doing this?“  
  
„So you won’t kick me again.“  
  
„No asshole, why won’t you tell me?“   
  
„I wanna keep you out of trouble.“  
  
„Impossible. I _am_ trouble.“   
  
I _know_ , Otabek wanted to growl, instead he stayed calm: „Then I don’t wanna be the one to pour fuel into the fire.“  
  
„You mean you’re a whiny little bitch.“   
  
Otabek tightened his grip around Yuri’s ankles. „You’re the one whining and bitching about things not going your way. Now I’d like to know if you have an actual reason to be mad or if you’re just throwing temper tantrums for the fun of it.“ He looked at the younger boy intensely.   
  
Yuri swallowed the _Fuck you_ , that had danced on the tip of his tongue with great difficulty as he realized that this conversation wouldn’t exactly convince Otabek of his maturity. „Is it because you don’t want me there?“ He spat, hoping that his acid tone would distract from the actual significance that this question held for him.   
  
The stern look disappeared from Otabek’s face and changed into one of astonishment. „No. Of cause not.“  
  
Yuri only nodded and then went to stare at Otabek’s hands around his ankles as if they were the most interesting thing he’d ever seen. Causing his hair to fall into his face and preventing Otabek from reading his expression.   
  
„It would be great if you could be there.“   
  
No answer. „Yura?“   
  
„I just wanted to dance to your music.“ He tried really hard to not sound pathetic but couldn’t exactly tell if it was working.   
  
Slowly, Otabek let his hands slip from Yuri’s legs. „I promise you that I’ll invite you to every single of my gigs after you turn 18, if you want to. And then I’ll take you backstage and let you dance behind the DJ console.“ _So I can keep and eye on you._   
  
Hidden behind a curtain of hair, Yuri smiled to himself. „You better keep your promise, Altin.“

„I will and until then, you can still dance to my music.“

„Let me guess,“ Yuri joked and rolled his eyes „You’ll play a gig just for me?“

Otabek looked like he’d just got an idea.“Exactly.“ He stood up and now it was Yuri’s turn to look confused.

„What, now?“ He watched how Otabek started searching something in the many pockets of his leather jacket that hung over another stool. 

„Yes.“

„What, without equipment? Without location?“ Yuri mocked.

Otabek seemed to have found what he was looking for and turned back around with a grin. „Equipment.“ He said and held up his phone and a cable and pointed to the speakers build into the walls. „Location.“ He gestured around the empty Diner. „DJ.“ pressed his hand against his own chest. „And a dancer.“ He looked at Yuri and crooked his finger in a _come closer_ motion.

Yuri’s mouth fell open. „But-.“„  
  
I thought you weren’t very patient?“ Otabek raised his eyebrows in playful mockery. „Move your ass then, Plisetsky.“  
  
And Yuri did.   
  
Otabek thought that nothing could ever make his heart beat as fast as the sight of Yuri smiling with closed eyes while he listened to the music Otabek had made. It had made his chest swell with pride and happiness.   
  
At least that was until he saw him dancing for the first time.   
  
It didn’t took Otabek long to rearrange the cables, to pull up the DJ App he’d installed just for the fun of it on his phone and to open the music file on the device, quickly choosing a few songs that he thought Yuri would like.   
It wasn’t until Yuri started swaying his hips, that Otabek realised what an idiot he had been.  
  
No speeding motorbike, no ear-shattering bass from music that vibrated through his body until it met his bones and no gig he’d ever played, while standing on a balcony high above the dancing crowd, that cheered and worshipped him for his music, - had ever made his heart beat this rapidly.   
Not even Yuri smiling at him, smiling at his music, even if it had been close.  
Otabek was an idiot for not thinking what it would do to him if he ever saw Yuri like this. Yuri who was breathtakingly beautiful and sharp as glass, even if he just did as much as sitting down, doing absolutely noting while scowling.  
  
But now Yuri was dancing like he never saw someone else dancing before, not on TV, not even in the many clubs he’d been to before.  
His eyes were closed and he was smiling again, moving his entire body to Otabek’s music that played loudly from the crappy Diner speakers. He danced like one would in a club with sinfully swaying hips and slightly raised arms but he couldn’t hide the fact that he was a trained dancer, that his talent spilled far beyond easy movements and sticky club floors.  
His spins were fast and there was a raw passion behind every step he took, there was true love in the way he was shaking his open hair until it flew around him like a halo and spilled down his shoulders like a golden veil.   
His jumps were full of joy and he turned and whirled around like he could never get tired of it, like he became one with the music and it’s beats since it started playing and he wouldn't stop moving until the music did so too.  
  
It was a sight that made Otabek forget about everything else, one that made his mouth go dry and pulse race.   
He couldn’t take his eyes off Yuri, he wasn’t even thinking about it. In his hand, the phone with the DJ app was long forgotten, he couldn’t have told which song was currently playing if someone had asked him right then.   
With wide eyes, he learned that Yuri’s long legs were not only admirably beautiful but also very flexible. He wondered what else Yuri could do with his body and the thought alone made him dizzy.   
  
In awe, he watched how his golden hair reflected the dim light of the Diner, how it got messier every time Yuri threw his head back and showed off his long neck.  
Otabek wanted to bury his fingers in it, the urge was so strong that his fingertips were practically tingling and if it got worse, he would have to sit on them to keep them from reaching out and pulling Yuri closer by his hair.   
  
As if he could read Otabek’s mind, Yuri raised his arms higher and put his hands in his ruffled hair. The movement caused his shirt to ride up, to expose his flat stomach and the small of his curved back. Now that there was no fabric covering Yuri’s bare skin, Otabek could see every roll of his hips, every thrust of his pelvis.   
Yuri has amazing hips, Otabek thought, small but round and right above the waistband of his tiny denim shorts that do absolutely nothing to stop the older boys imagination from running wild.   
It also didn’t help that Yuri was shaking his perfect little ass like he wanted Otabek to loose his mind or at least, is manners.   
  
And Otabek could tell he was getting affected by the way the blonde moved in front of his eyes. He could feel his blood boiling and his own breathing becoming rougher the longer he watched. Once again, he felt like Yuri was a teenage dream that came to life.  
But not one from the cover of pastel colored girly magazines but the kind of zine you’d hide under your bed and only look at late at night.   
  
_I want him_. There was absolute no denying it now. And if Otabek was honest with himself, there hadn’t been for a long time.   
Maybe never to begin with.  
Because Yuri had always been beautiful and interesting, from the very first time Otabek had seen him, he had been attracted to him.  
What was almost painfully obvious, was that Otabek had probably known all long just how bad he had it for Yuri, why else would he spend so much time visiting him? Thinking about him and making music for him? Why waste so much petrol and money?   
And how had he managed to fool himself for so long?   
  
Truth was, he had fallen the moment he’d looked too deep into Yuri’s glass-green eyes.  
And then he fell, fell almost for a year and mistook it for flying, for dreaming and being happy. Today, right now, he crashed and now there was absolute no denying it anymore.  
  
 _I want him but I want him in every way. I’m crazy about him and there is nothing I can do about it._   
  
In some way, the realisation of his feelings sobered him up. The hot haze of want simmered down enough for him to think somewhat clear again.   
Yuri had apparently not noticed any of the inner turmoil Otabek was currently experiencing. Eyes still closed and with a small smile tugging at his lips, he danced completely carefree as if in his own little world, as if he had no idea what a dazzling seduction he was.   
  
Otabek wondered if he wasn’t acting a bit like a little schoolgirl having her first crush. No one could be as perfect as Yuri was in his eyes, right?   
But Otabek was no schoolgirl, he was a young man and not one to act on impulse and without reasons. He had his fair share of experiences in the past, had explored and learned what he liked, what he wanted. He had realised that he wasn’t one for meaningless nights but liked he idea of having a real connection with someone.  
  
And he had never met someone like Yuri, had never felt a connection like he did with him. For him Yuri was other-worldly, beautiful in every sense and he felt pulled towards him like a magnet.  
It didn’t matter that Yuri wasn’t actually perfect, that he was moody and childish, Yuri was like the burning sun and Otabek wanted to bask in his blinding light.   
  
Therefore he didn’t even thought about fighting his feelings.  
  
Meanwhile, Yuri was far far away, lost in the music and consumed by his bodies efforts to become one with it by moving like the two of them belonged together.   
At first he’d been a bit bewildered by Otabek’s sudden idea of blasting his music through the Diner so Yuri could dance along to it. Because it was such an odd situation, there was no crowd to disappear in and no vodka burning in his throat and making him braver. There would only be Otabek watching him dancing and Yuri felt like someone had shoved him up a stage and put a spotlight on him.   
To his own horror, Yuri had realised that the thought made him a bit shy and embarrassed, which were two emotions Yuri didn’t like to associate himself with. So naturally, he had decided to put up one hell of a show so he wouldn’t even come close to embarrassing himself.   
  
Yuri wasn’t used to feel insecure about the few things he actually knew he was good at and he wouldn’t start doing so now, just because it actually mattered what somebody thought about him for once. When he had started dancing, he could feel Otabek’s eyes with a burning intensity on him even though he had closed his own to get lost in the music easier.   
Which apparently had worked just fine, after a while he’d almost forgot about Otabek altogether and couldn’t even guess for how long he had been dancing. In the back of his mind he knew that it was getting late, that Otabek maybe needed to head off soon and that Yuri should probably get home too, get some sleep like his grandpa always suggested. But he enjoyed himself way too much to actually listen to those thoughts.  
  
When Yuri danced, everything else seemed a little less important, all his worries a little less scary and the world itself, seemed not as complicated anymore.When he danced and his head was spinning and his heart was racing, his body overflowing with dopamine and he felt like happiness was spilling from his every pore, it was hard to believe that he couldn’t reach for the stars.   
  
Which is why he wouldn’t want to return to reality until it was absolutely necessary.   
  
Unfortunately and much sooner than he would have liked, the music cut off abruptly and was replaced by the shrieking sound of a acoustic feedback that ripped Yuri from his blissful trance. He whirled around with a sour expression, the loud noise had cut painfully through his eardrums, and searched for Otabek with his eyes.   
  
The older boy was already yanking on a cord, putting an end to the horrid sound. The sudden silence was drumming through Yuri’s ears as he watched how Otabek gave him an apologetic smile.   
  
„Well I guess that was the speakers way of telling us that they can’t handle more than to quietly tootle radio stations all day.“   
  
„Oh for fucks sake.“ Yuri huffed as he just now realised how out of breath he was. He quickly walked back over to where Otabek stood by the counter, rolling up a cable and putting it back in his pocket.   
  
„Do you want something to drink too?“ He asked as he walked past him and towards the kitchen. „I’m hot as hell.“   
  
Behind him he heard Otabek suddenly coughing, before he rasped: „No thanks, I’m fine.“   
  
Yuri only shrugged and returned a few moments later with a cup full of ice cold pink lemonade. He tried drinking it while walking and had great difficulty not spilling it all down his chin and onto his shirt.   
Like most things that started with an impatient Yuri, the following mess that happened could have been easily avoided by Yuri leaning how to be well, more patient.   
  
But he wasn’t, so he kept walking while tilting his head far back to catch the remains of the lemonade on his tongue, without looking where he was going. After all, he could have moved through the Diner blindly since he knew the place like the back of his hand.  
At least that would be the case if nothing were to cross his path out of the blue and take him completely by surprise.  
  
But as it happened, it was just when Yuri was rounding the corner, that Otabek came from the other side to get back to where he left his jacket and the two of them collided vigorously.   
Yuri’s view had been blocked by the cup and he yelped in surprise while Otabek hadn’t even paid attention to his surroundings, having not heard the soundless steps of Yuri returning.   
When they clashed, the plastic cup slipped from Yuri’s fingers and knocked against Otabek’s temple whose hand immediately flew up to rub at his head at the unexpected pain. As he did so and due to the close proximity, he bumped his arm hard against Yuri’s chest, causing the younger boy to stumble backwards as the air got knocked from his lungs.   
  
He was about to slip again and fall flat on his ass when strong arms caught him around his waist and pulled him back up until he landed face fist against Otabek’s chest.   
While loosing his balance, he had flung out his arms, trying to hold onto something when the brunette had grabbed him and his hands had landed tightly clenched into Otabek’s muscle shirt. Yuri held on for a bit longer, staying just as he was while he tried to pump some air back into his empty lungs  
.Meanwhile Otabek’s arms stayed wrapped around his waist, blonde hair tickling the sensitive skin beneath his jaw.  
  
When Yuri got his breath back, he found himself overwhelmed with the scent of _Beka_ : Worn leather, machine oil, strong coffee, his cologne, mint gum and _warmth_.   
  
Coming back to his senses, Yuri pulled back slightly, just so much that he could look up into Otabek’s face. „Fucking hell, Altin. No need to knock me out, you Neanderthal.“ He hissed, chest still hurting.   
  
Otabek’s eyes narrowed while Yuri glared at him. „Sorry I didn’t mean to. But you ran into me too, maybe you should watch where you going.“   
  
Of cause that sounded way more pissy to Yuri’s ears, than it had coming out from Otabek’s mouth. Anger started bubbling up in Yuri’s stomach once more as he clenched his fingers harder into the fabric of the muscle shirt.  
  
„I should watch _where I’m going_? Are you crazy? Just how fucking hard did you hit your head, you big fucking idiot.“   
  
Not his masterpiece when it came to insults, Yuri had to admit but the look on Otabek’s face made it somewhat difficult to concentrate properly.   
  
His coffee-brown eyes seemed even darker than usual and his jaw was clenched tightly. „If I’m going crazy it’s entirely your fault.“ He growled, his grip tightening around Yuri’s waist.  
  
By now the Russian felt way to bossy to even notice. „My fault? Just how cocky are you? It’s not my problem that you apparently can’t-„   
  
Yuri wasn’t used to ever being cut off mid-sentence and therefore stoped talking right away when Otabek unexpectedly interrupted him, his voice suddenly raised:  
  
„You don’t understand… _You’re driving me crazy, Yura_.“   
  
His eyes gleamed with an unknown intensity, looking deeply into his own confused ones like it was the most important thing that Yuri listened to what he was saying.   
  
Then Otabek kissed him square on the mouth before the blonde could even properly think about what his friend could have meant.  
  
A surprised little sound escaped Yuri’s throat as Otabek pressed his lips against his own, something he might would’ve been embarrassed about under different circumstances but for now, other thoughts were dominating his mind.   
Like the fact that he could’ve sworn that his heart had just skipped a beat and that with every second passing of having Otabek so close, of breathing him in, it got harder to think clear at all.  
  
This was by far not Yuri’s first kiss but it might as well could have been. With every slide of Otabek’s full lips against his own, he got dizzier and weaker in his knees, his heart tumbling over in his chest.  
After he overcame his initial shock of being kissed with such vehemence out of the blue, he did his best to kiss back just as widely, letting everything seep into the movements of his lips that he didn’t dare to admit to himself. And Otabek’s strong arms around him held him up, prevented him from melting down onto the floor.   
  
Part of him _did_ want to sink and drown in the feeling of blissful sensations overtaking his mind … part of him wanted to consume and be consumed by the fiery fever that Otabek had sparked deep within him, an unknown heat that threatened to burn him from the inside.   
  
Yuri choose the latter.   
  
This was so different from dull pleasure ignited by boredom and too much alcohol that Yuri knew, this was new and exciting and overwhelmingly indescribable.  
He didn’t bother asking himself why that may was, he was too distracted by the firm grip around his hips, burning hot on his skin and the desire to keep kissing Otabek, everything else be damned.  
  
He buried his hands deeper in his shirt, unconsciously pulling on the fabric and stretching it apart. Under his palms he felt Otabek’s heart beat just as rapidly as his own and he pressed his fingertips against his chest until he felt them vibrating. Not noticing that his hands had already been shaking in the first place.   
  
_More, I want more_ … Yuri pressed himself further against Otabek, letting his hands glide up his chest and over his board shoulders, looping his arms around his neck and digging his fingers into the warm skin of his back.   
At that, the older boy unexpectedly growled against Yuri’s mouth, a sound that made the blonde dig his fingers in even deeper while his shorts got steadily tighter.  
A shiver of pleasure ran down Otabek’s spine and without thinking, he bit down on Yuri’s bottom lip, his hands pressing against the small of his back.  
  
It was only when he heard the younger one’s high-pitched whimper that he came back to his senses and realized what he just did.  
All at once, he pulled back and tried to catch his breath, concerned that he’d hurt the boy in his arms and ashamed by the lack of his own self-control to begin with.   
  
Yuri was panting as well, looking up at him with glassy wide eyes, a mixture of confusion, lust, surprise and vulnerability in them. His cheeks were tinted adorably pink and his lips red and slightly swollen.  
The sight made his heart ache longingly, wanting to be as close as possible to him once again. For Yuri’s sake, he tried to resist.   
  
„Did I hurt you?“ Otabek finally choked out, the blonde’s whimper still echoing in the back of his mind.   
  
Yuri stared at him like he’d never seen him before, lips slightly parted. It took him a few moments until the question reached him, then he slowly shook his head no.   
  
„I’m sorry.“ Otabek rasped. „I shouldn’t have kissed you, I-I mean I should have asked. I should have asked before kissing you.“   
  
Since when was talking so hard? His thoughts were all over the place.  
  
 _I had planned on asking you. And I had planned on kissing you gently, when the time would be right_. The thoughts were in Otabek’s mind but he couldn’t bring them to leave his mouth, to explain himself.   
  
_But one spark and you light up like a sky-high bonfire. You’re a force of nature, Yuri and I can only hope that I won’t burn myself because staying away from you just isn’t an option._   
  
Yuri wasn’t answering, just looked at him with dazed eyes.  
  
„I’m sorry I didn’t ask.“ Otabek repeated, feeling concern clawing at his heart, afraid that he went too far and fucked things up.   
It must have shown on his face too because suddenly Yuri snapped out from his haze and shook his head repeatedly, frowning at him. Then he raised his arms and placed his small hands on each side of Otabek’s jaw, cupping his face and pulling him closer by it.   
Otabek was done resisting, drawn in by the desperate look from green eyes.   
  
„No.“ Yuri was breathing the word right against his lips, quietly but firmly and then he kissed him again, open-mouthed and sensually.  
  
Otabek’s mind went blank. There was only Yuri pressed against his chest, Yuri breathing into his mouth and kissing him until he heard his blood rush in his ears, Yuri’s warm hands cupping his jaw and the curve of his hips under his hands.   
It was everything and yet it wasn’t enough. Otabek used one arm to press him closer against himself, his palm spread just over the waistband of his shorts.He let his other hand wander up his back, caressing fine-boned shoulder blades before curling around the nape of his neck, hidden beneath soft hair that brushed his skin whenever Yuri moved his head to push their lips together more urgently.   
  
And it didn’t took long for their kiss to become heated again, Otabek was completely drunk on the feeling that Yuri wanted this too and Yuri’s world had been reduced to Otabek’s mouth and hands on him, for he could not bear listening to his heart right now.   
He wouldn’t be able to forget about the fear and the excitement, about the love and the want bleeding out from it, if he did so.   
It was easier to open his lips than his heart and he moaned lightly when Otabek pushed his tongue inside his mouth, licking softly at his lips before meeting his own tongue, playing with it teasingly.   
  
Their breathing became heavier and Yuri slipped his hands back around his shoulder and neck, clawing at it gently which earned him another deep growl and Otabek’s own hand went from his neck to the back of his head, pulling him closer once more as he buried his hand in messy golden strands.   
Otabek had wanted to touch Yuri’s hair for so long now, to brush it from his eyes when it had slipped from his hair tie, to smooth it down after he took off his helmet and it got all ruffled. Just earlier on he had thought how badly he waned to pull Yuri closer by his mane and kiss him like he was kissing him now. He couldn’t believe how easily he had gotten what he wanted.  
  
Which didn’t mean that he would take it for granted. He laced his fingers through Yuri’s silky soft hair, brushed his fingertips against the shell of his ear and the line of his jaw as he cupped his face and relished in the small sounds Yuri made against his lips.   
Yuri heard himself whimper quietly but he was far beyond the point where he cared. The only things on his mind were Otabek and the way he made him feel, like he was on drugs but better and safer. He wanted to make him feel just as good, wanted him to never stop kissing him, wanted him to never find out that _all of this_ scarred Yuri at least as much as he enjoyed it.  
  
They had somehow ended up taking several steps back until Otabek was leaning against the Bar with Yuri pulled against him. With their arms looped around each other, hands buried in hair and fingers pressed against necks and hips and their chests pressed together, there weren’t many ways left to be any closer together.   
Despite the sun having set long ago, it was still uncomfortably warm at the Diner. The shitty air conditioner and the way Yuri and Otabek were glued together, not doing anything to lessen the heat surrounding them. Neither of them cared, wherever their skin touched they felt burning hot anyway and the slight sheen of sweat that formed at the small of Yuri’s back and the nape of Otabek’s neck, was just another indication for both of them on how much they affected each other.   
  
In the back of Yuri’s mind, a small voice tried to figure out why Otabek would kiss him like this. He wasn’t drunk, wasn’t bored for all Yuri could tell. And he knew just how annoying, bratty and moody Yuri was and if that wasn’t reason enough to run, he surely would if he knew how fucked-up, abandoned and scared Yuri was on top of that.   
Yuri tried to ignore the voice as best as he could. _He wants me_ , he thought, _maybe he just wants by body but he wants me_.   
  
If Otabek could have heard Yuri’s thoughts right then, his heart would have sunken to the floor. Because that wasn’t what he was thinking, what he was _seeing_ when he looked at Yuri.   
He wanted him, wanted his body and his flaws and everything else that came with _wanting Yuri_.   
And he kissed him back just as hungrily because it didn’t cross his mind for a minute that the boy in his arms could think any differently than he did in this moment.

At one point Otabek shifted his weight, placing his legs further apart and Yuri took the opportunity to step between them, pressing them together below the waist as well. This wasn’t what Otabek had expected and he gasped in surprise when he felt Yuri hard against his thigh.   
Yuri on the other hand, having had waited for an opportunity like this, swallowed Otabek’s hitched breath and kissed him deeper.  
Yuri being the smaller one of the two, felt Otabek’s bulge press against his abdomen at their new position and got an idea that had been brewing in the depth of his mind for a while now.  
  
Experimentally, he slipped his hands under the brunette’s shirt and raked his nails gently over the tight muscles of his stomach while he licked at the older boys mouth slowly.He got the reaction he was hoping for: the muscles under his fingertips tightened, Otabek groaned and his hips jerked slightly.   
  
_Too fast, this is all happening too fast,_ Otabek thought. _What about first dates? And shy kisses? Taking things slow?_ These thoughts were drowned out as Yuri began to kiss along his jaw, when he bit the sensitive skin beneath his ear.   
It got harder for Otabek to concentrate by the second. Not that he didn’t want this, that he could have gone cross-eyed as Yuri’s wet lips traveled down his neck but he didn’t want to ruin this before it even had a chance to bloom into _something_.  
  
Especially not with Yuri. Yuri was special, he had planned to treat him that way.   
  
„Yuri.“ He groaned out as the blonde licked over his collar bones, his hair tickling Otabek’s bare arms. He swallowed hard.   
  
„Yuri slow down.“   
„Why?“ He mumbled against him, lips brushing his skin.  
  
„We don’t need to rush things. We have time.“  
  
„What time better than now?“ Yuri kissed him right on the throat and felt it against his lips when Otabek swallowed again.   
  
„Yuri…“ Otabek wanted to try again but his brain got foggier with every kiss and he was torn between wanting the boy in front of him so badly and taking time with him and treating him right, just like his mother had told him to.  
But she never prepared him for a situation like this. Where lust and want ran through every fibre of his being because the most gorgeous person, the one he was crazy for, tried to seduce him in a way that made him forget his moralities and manners.  
  
_And why fight it?_ Something within him whispered, _if you both want it? If you like him and he can’t keep his hands off you?_   
  
One last try. He caught Yuri’s face between his hands, pulled him closer and forced him to look him in the eyes. Yuri’s eyes had gotten darker, swimming with so many different emotions that Otabek felt like going dizzy from just looking at them.  
  
He licked his lips and tried to concentrate. „Did you hear me, Yura? I said we don’t have to rush things. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.“   
  
„I know.“ Yuri rasped out. „But what if I want to?“   
  
Otabek’s mouth went dry, all reasonable responses leaving his mind until he didn’t know what else to say.   
  
„I want this, _Beka_.“ Yuri sounded breathless, sultry and Otabek _loved_ the way he had just said his name. Now he didn’t stop Yuri as he leaned in closer again and kissed him once again as to prove his point.   
  
Otabek liked to believe himself as a patient man, an honest one that would deal with any conflict the universe decided to challenge him with, just like he’d been thought to, with grace and willpower.  
But _this_ , like Yuri had called it, was a force that he didn’t feel like he could solve with grace as it brought him to the edge of his willpower. Because he didn’t want to fight it, didn’t want to resist.  
  
Otabek had his limits too and Yuri had found them.   
  
This time it was him who kissed down Yuri’s jaw and over his dainty neck. Where Yuri was wild, he tried to be gentle. Combing his fingers carefully through golden hair and letting his hands roam over Yuri’s small waist and hips with care. He felt Yuri’s pulse race against his tongue and heard him panting quietly against his ear, causing his jeans to become uncomfortably tight.  
  
_I want this Beka_ , Yuri had whispered but not explained. But Otabek wouldn’t be the one to take things further, no matter how much he may wanted to. He wouldn’t take more from Yuri than the younger would be willing to give.   
Just kissing him like this, was already more than he’d dared dreaming about.   
  
Apparently it was not enough for Yuri. He kissed him faster, his hands roaming his chest and slipping under his shirt again, tugging at the fabric. Not slowing down before it fell to the ground.  
Under different circumstances, Yuri would have loved to stare at shirtless Otabek for a long while but if that meant stepping back from him and loosing touch, he would pass.  
Instead he opted for mapping out his naked skin with his mouth, letting it glide over dark nipples and hard ribs hidden beneath smooth skin. Kissing down his toned stomach and watching the muscles twitch there at his touch. He licked over the sharp V of Otabek’s pelvis while he dug his fingers into the small of his back and his hips, causing the boy above him to breathe harder.  
  
Having no doubt that this was exactly what Yuri wanted, he let himself sink down until his bare knees hit the cracked tiles of the Diner floor.  
Leaning forward again, his eyes fell on the dark patch of hair growing down from beneath Otabek’s bellybutton and disappearing into the waistband of his jeans. Feeling drawn in, he placed gentle open-mouthed kisses on his abdomen and around his bellybutton. Above him, Otabek groaned again.  
  
„ _Yura_ , what are you doing down there?“  
  
„What does it look like I’m doing? I’m planning a tea-party for Alice and the mad hatter but don’t tell the rabbit yet.“ Yuri murmured, is usual bite missing from his slurring voice. He rubbed his cheek against Otabek’s skin and looked up at him with glassy green eyes.   
  
Otabek couldn’t help but smile despite the sight of Yuri at level with his crotch urging his thoughts into different directions. „God, you’re a feisty little thing, even now.“   
  
He only got a lazy smile for an answer before Yuri went back to nibbling on his skin and Otabek went to grab the countertop behind him to steady himself.For a few moments he relished in the feeling of Yuri’s sharp teeth and soft lips on him, making pleasure run through his veins.  
Then he felt Yuri unbutton his jeans, heard the zip being pulled down. Opening his eyes with great difficulty, he reached out to grab Yuri by his wrist, stopping his movements.   
  
„Yura, you don’t have to.“ His voice sounded husky.  
  
„I _want_ to.“ Yuri sounded just as affected as he was.  
  
„But-„  
  
„Beka, do you want me to stop? Because I will if you don’t want this.“ Yuri sat back on his haunches, folding his hands in his lap and waited patiently despite feeling not patient at all.   
This wasn’t something he would get mad about or make Otabek feel guilty for if he said no, he tried to let that show on his face.  
  
He watched the struggle reflecting in Otabek’s eyes, the war between what he wanted and something else, Yuri couldn’t tell what it was but it made him hesitate.   
Only seconds had passed since he’d stopped touching Otabek but for Yuri it already felt way to long, he bit his lips trying to keep his impatience to himself.  
  
It didn’t work for long. „ _Beka_ , say something.“   
  
Otabek lost the battle the second he heard Yuri’s needy whine. Until now he’d been a bit scared that Yuri maybe only did this because he felt compelled to do so.  
  
„How can you think that I don’t want this, Yura?“ His voice was lower now, gentler. _How can you think I don’t want you ?_  
  
Slowly Yuri sat back up but before he could reach out to Otabek’s open jeans again, the older boy pulled him up like he weighted nothing and kissed him breathless.   
Yuri mewled at the unexpected force of the kiss and gripped onto him so tightly that it had to be painful.   
Now Yuri felt like he was going crazy too but in the best way possible. He was more than grateful in this moment that he had dimmed the lights and locked the door earlier … and already mopped the floor.   
  
Considering where the rest of the people he knew went when they wanted to get some, this was almost a romantic setting.  
Not that he particularly cared about things like that. For him, rose petals and candle lights only existed in movies and books written for girls who lost it on backseats and basement-chairs anyways, to boys that didn’t look nor acted like Disney Princes at all.  
  
Yuri had always thought that his first time would go something like that too, not that he planned on going all the way tonight even though he was already late. A virgin barely got older than 15 in a place like this.   
  
Those unpleasant thoughts were suddenly pushed aside as Otabek bit on his lips again and made him whine. This time he didn’t pull away, having heard the pleasure in the small sound.Yuri bit right back, feeling the front of his pants slowly getting wet every time Otabek growled against is mouth.  
  
It had Yuri wanting more, more growling, more Otabek. It made him want to return to his original plan of making Beka feel good. He couldn’t think of a single person he’d rather give his first blowjob to than him.  
As soon as Otabek released his lips in favour to get some air back into his lungs, Yuri kissed down the corner of his mouth and his jaw, mouth wandering down his neck and onto his heaving chest. He smeared wet kisses over his stomach and back to his pelvis and hips, dropping to his knees once again.   
  
Tomorrow he would have some nice bruises as souvenirs.   
  
His hands followed the path of his lips, shaking fingers gripping at hot skin and sharp nails digging into it, with every raspy moan from above him.This time when he reached for the zip of his jeans, Otabek didn’t stop him. Instead he cupped one side of Yuri’s face with his right hand and gently swiped his thumb over high cheekbones.   
The touch made Yuri look up into heavy-lidded brown eyes, finding nothing there that made him want to pull back. He was scared of many things involving Otabek but this wasn’t one of them.   
  
The hand on Yuri’s cheek stayed as the blonde worked on the jeans, pulling them down just enough to expose Otabek’s hips and free his erection. After that, he paused for a moment and just stared.   
Had he been less impatient, had he started by touching through cloths first, _hell_ had he just _looked_ or at least properly _thought_ about it, he wouldn’t be as wide-eyed as he was now.   
Because really, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that a guy as board and tall as Otabek, was also pretty hung.   
Still …Yuri, who had seen more dicks in porn than in real life, and certainly never really touched one beside his own, came to the conclusion that that was not the average size.   
  
_Holy fuck, Altin. How about you warn a guy ?_   Yuri kept that thought to himself, with Otabek apparently thinking he was made of glass, it would only cause more delay if he voiced his thoughts out loud.  
Admittedly, it was quite sweet how Otabek made sure that everything was consensual and stuff but he should know by now that Yuri only did things he wanted to do.   
  
And right now he wanted to suck Beka off, preferably in a way that didn’t reveal that he’d never done that before. The last thing he needed was Otabek making a fuss because Yuri was still a virgin.   
  
Determined to not let his lack of experience show, Yuri pulled Beka’s jeans down to mid-thigh and raked his nails over the exposed flesh of his legs, having noticed that he liked it when he did that.   
Wanting to make this as pleasurable as possible, and also dying to get his mouth back on Otabek, he started by kissing the red lines his nails had left on his thighs.   
He had no idea what to do with his hands next, so he left them on his own lap for now.   
  
His heart was racing in nervous excitement but the heat spreading through his abdomen was stronger. His lips were very close to Otabek’s length now and Yuri thought how silly it was that it just now came to his mind, that his cock looked actually pretty nice.   
Dark hairs neatly trimmed at the base, with tight flushed skin and pulsing veins. No saggy balls that had Yuri clicking away whenever he saw them in a porn video.  
  
It was a sight that wasn’t repulsive at all and without further ado, because really he _had_ to start somewhere, he just leaned in and licked a board stripe along the glistening head.   
The salty taste of precum coated his tongue and experimentally, Yuri wrapped his lips around it lightly, giving a small suck to taste more. He saw the muscles of Otabek’s thigh twitch next to him, trying to keep his hips still.  
The thought that he was affecting him that much, send another wave of arousal through his own pants. Briefly he wondered if one could get high from sex too then he closed his eyes and wrapped his mouth firmer around Otabek’s tip, raising his hands to dig them into the skin of his hips.  
  
He could hear Otabek panting as he circled his tongue and it made him want to hear him get louder because of what Yuri did to him.   
It was an intoxicating feeling of power and he felt almost smug as the heard Beka groan above him as he pulled off again, only to run his tongue along his entire length to make him as wet as possible. He sloppily kissed over his pretty veins, enjoyed the lewd sounds he was making as he lapped at the hardness covered by velvet skin.  
Yuri had always loved getting attention, he was good at putting on a show and this was no difference.   
  
He lured the first deep moan out of Otabek as he looked up at him with wanton-clouded eyes while he licked around his cock’s head like it was his favorite candy.   
  
Yuri would definitely make Otabek loose his mind, the later was sure about that.  
  
Beka felt lightheaded while pleasure was blooming behind his abdomen, threatening to consume him fully. Although he did feel like going crosseyed once Yuri took more of him into his wonderful mouth, he kept his eyes firmly on the beautiful boy below him.   
The sight of Yura on his knees, greedily licking his cock until his lips were stretched and shiningly wet, was one that made him think he could maybe even come on the spot if it weren’t for him holding back.   
Yuri’s eyebrows were knitted slightly in pleasure and concentration, his eyes closed while his lashes casted long shadows over his cheeks, one of which Otabek was still cupping. It was a sight he would hopefully never forget.   
  
With every moan from Otabek, Yuri felt braver and more confident about what he did to him. He was clearly enjoying what he was doing and as for Yuri…well he had always thought that getting head must be much better than giving it but he’d quickly proven himself wrong.   
He thought that he’d ever felt hornier than right now.   
  
In case his knees had started aching, he didn’t notice. If anyone where to walk past the Diner and press his face against the windows to watch them, he wouldn’t bother stopping.  
By now, he was completely intoxicated by the musky smell of Otabek, by the weight and taste of his cock in his mouth and the way he heard him moan and groan above him, his hand keeping a firm grip on Yuri’s jaw while the other one was clutching the counter behind him for balance.  
  
Maybe he was being a bit to ambitious for his first blowjob but Yuri wanted it to be mind-blowing, wanted Otabek to loose all control.  
At one point Yuri had put his hand around the base of Beka’s cock to make up for what he couldn’t fit in his mouth, working his fingers along with his lips while he was moving his head up and down  
.He used his other hand to alternate between stocking his balls and clawing at hot skin, leaving marks behind. And while Yuri used his tongue to circle and press at just the right spots that had Otabek involuntary jerking forward, he just _knew_ that the older was holding back for Yuri’s sake.  
A gesture Yuri appreciated but didn’t fucking _ask_ for.  
  
In the end, Yuri’s ambition did get the better of him. He started moving his head faster up and down Otabek’s dick, sucked harsher and lapped sloppier, trying to fit more of it down his throat.   
  
And immediately chocked on it, coughing as spit spilled past his lips.   
  
Caught completely off guard by Yuri’s actions and the intense pleasure that followed, Otabek accidentally bucked into his mouth further and growled in ecstasy as he felt Yuri’s throat constricting around him. His hand slipped from his jaw into silky blonde hair and he grabbed a fist full of it before he came back to his senses by the sound of Yuri spluttering and coughing while he younger _still_ tried to suck him deeper.   
  
Trying to keep Yuri from hurting himself, he did the first thing that came to his clouded mind and pulled him back by his hair and off of his dick.   
The rough gesture came from gentle intentions and Yuri let out a sound that was half pleasure, half protest.  
  
„Hey easy.“ Otabek rasped out, easing his grip on Yuri’s hair. As if he hadn’t heard Otabek, Yuri lunged forward again to continue what he started only to be pulled back by his hair once again, he whined.   
  
„I said easy, Yura. _Slow down_.“ This time he kept a firm grip on his hair, putting him in control of the pace.   
  
Yuri let out another mewl of frustration but allowed Otabek to take over, this time he leaned in slower and moved more carefully so he wouldn’t choke again. He secretly even enjoyed the reassuring grip of Otabek’s warm hand and the fact that he was willing to put his own pleasure aside for Yuri’s well being.   
  
„That’s it, breath through your nose, Yura.“ Despite having his mouth full, Yuri let out a satisfied hum at the detectable amount of lust in Beka’s breathy voice.   
Soon enough he built up a steady pace that had him moaning again and his hips jerking involuntarily, despite Otabek’s efforts to keep them from doing so.   
  
„Yura.“ He knew what he would say next before he even did it, Yuri had felt him twitching against his tongue for a few moments already. „I’m close.“   
  
He loved how rough Otabek’s voice had gotten and therefore made no arrangements to stop what he was doing anytime soon.   
He knew that what he had said was a warning for Yuri to pull off but he wouldn’t dream of it. Instead he hollowed his cheeks and made sure to suck harder, pressing his tongue felt against the underside of Beka’s length while he reached his free hand up to scrape his nails sharp down the small of his back.   
  
This time Otabek couldn’t keep himself from thrusting forward and clenching his hand harder in already messy blonde hair as Yuri felt him pulsing and spilling into his mouth.   
Yuri kept his movements up, helping Otabek through his orgasm and feeling oddly smug that he was the reason for his moaning and growling.   
When it was over, he swallowed his salty release and quickly licked his head clean before pulling off completely to sit back and take some proper breaths again.   
For the first time he thought about what he just did. When he’d swallowed, he’d done it without thinking about it, more like out of instinct. He was relieved to find that even now, he wasn’t disgusted at the salty taste, he licked his lips to make sure that they were clean as well.  
  
Not knowing where to go from here, he looked up at the man above him who had used the time to pull his jeans up again but his shirt was still missing. There was a slight sheen of sweat coating his dark skin and curved muscles and he was still panting, cloudy eyes fixed on Yuri.  
  
Yuri, who had no idea what to do now since he felt like this was his first sexual experience since it was so much more intense than anything else he’d ever done.   
He felt on edge in a way that wasn’t necessary unpleasant, more like the feeling of excitement, arousal and curiosity had all been mixed together and were buzzing under his skin now. It confused Yuri, who had ever been good at detangling his emotions.   
All he knew now, was that he wanted to be close to Otabek again.   
  
Call it coincidence, call it similarity but it had Otabek holding out his hand to Yuri to help him get up from the cold floor.  
  
„Come here.“ His voice still sounded raspy but also gentle and Yuri took his hand and let himself be pulled up and right into Otabek’s arms, were he held him close and kissed him carefully on his swollen lips.  
It didn’t disgust him that he could taste himself on Yuri’s mouth, not when Yura opened his lips for him and melted right back into him like they had never stopped kissing.   
  
He was more pliant in his arms now, leaning into him and letting Otabek lead him. No more sharp teeth and claws, fire gone and replaced by foggy lazy lust.   
Through the haze in Yuri’s mind, he noticed the little things now. His sore knees, his jaw hurting slightly. As much as he still wanted the other male, he didn’t had it in him to put on another show like that.   
  
So he let Beka kiss him woozy and pressed himself against him so he could feel how affected he still was, placing all further control into the older boys hands.   
  
Otabek was in absolute bliss, alternating between kissing Yuri sloppy and lazy while he ran his hands up and down his dainty sides and combed his fingers through disheveled, still blissfully basking in the aftermath of his orgasm.   
Despite feeling drunk on all the sensations and _Yuri_ , he still wasn’t oblivious. He could feel the younger one’s arousal pressed against him and heard his breath hitch every time he did so much as brush his hip against it while they kissed.  
He wanted to make Yuri feel just as good as he had made him feel, if that was what he wanted.   
  
Curling one hand around the back of his neck and letting the other glide down to gip the blonde by the hip, Otabek pulled back from their joined lips only to kiss Yuri across the cheek and his jaw until he reached his ear. He placed a gentle kiss just beneath.   
  
„Do you want me to take care of you too, Yura?“   
  
Yuri’s eyes almost rolled back when Otabek’s lips ghosted against the shell of his ear, let alone what he’d just asked with that dark velvety voice of his.  
  
„Yes.“   
  
Yuri’s voice however, sounded much more croaked than usual, having gone raw from sucking Beka off. It had Yuri furrowing his eyebrows in confusion and Otabek kissing his throat gently as a silent apology.   
  
This time it was Yuri who clenched his finger’s in dark hair, nails scraping lightly over shaved sides while Beka placed several kisses all over him: Under his jaw, on his shoulder and collarbone where his loose shirt that slipped off and then on his exposed hips.  
Just when Yuri thought that he would drop on his knees too, Otabek used both of his hands to grab him around the waist and hoist him up onto the Bar-counter like he weighted nothing.   
  
Yuri made an ungraceful noise of surprise as his ass hit the countertop and the wrapped his arms around Otabek’s shoulder’s for balance. The older boy chuckled lightly as he stepped between Yuri’s open legs, leaning back in for a kiss.   
They were almost at level for once and Yuri was glad he didn’t need to stand on his wobbly legs for any longer.   
  
Having Otabek this close, was divine and Yuri couldn’t help the little moans slipping out as he felt his hands roaming his body, pushing under his cropped shirt and kneading the flesh of his thighs which Yuri had wrapped around Otabek’s hips as good as he could, trying to bring him even closer.  
  
When Beka started to unbutton his jean-shorts, he shivered in anticipation but kissed him firmer, showing him that he wanted this.  
He used both hands to push them off Yuri’s legs until they fell to the floor, leaving the blonde in nothing but his crop top and leopard sneakers.   
Yuri gasped as his bare ass touched the chilly countertop, blushing slightly at the thought that he would never again be able to place plates of pie and coffee on it without thinking about this lewd, wonderful moment.   
  
He was quickly distracted by Beka touching his dick, jerking him off tantalisingly slow while he pushed his tongue into Yuri’s mouth, swallowing every shaky breath and increasing moan.   
The events of this night so far, had worked Yuri up so much that it didn’t took him long to get close to his own release. Unable to keep kissing Otabek, he hid his face in the nape of his neck as he clung to him as tightly as he could.   
With his arms wrapped tightly around his shoulders and finger’s buried in the longer parts of his hair. His thighs were pressed against Otabek’s hips while he couldn’t help his hips from rutting up, fucking himself into his hand at a embarrassingly fast and needy pace.  
The heels of his sneakers hit the counter beneath him as he moved, just like earlier but this time because of overwhelming pleasure instead of torturous boredom.   
  
„I’ve got you, Yura.“ Otabek growled into his ear and sped up his movements while he shoved his other hand beneath his quivering thigh, grabbing his asscheek and digging his fingers into the plumb flesh.   
  
Yuri could only whine into his neck for an answer, feeling sweat pooling between his shoulder-blades. He wanted to bite his lips but he couldn’t stop himself from becoming louder, whimpering and moaning against Otabek’s hot skin, trying to quieten himself by kissing and licking his shoulders and neck but it was no use.   
Otabek loved how needy Yuri had become, how he was shaking quivering, squeezing his eyes shut and rutting against him like, well … a horny teenager. He would give everything to make Yuri feel like this all the time.  
  
It only took a few more hard strokes and Otabek swiping his thumb over the wet tip of Yuri’s length for the younger to come hard, spilling onto both of their stomaches and practically sobbing at the relief of his orgasm despite his efforts to stifle his sobs by pressing his lips against Beka’s throat.  
  
Unbothered by the mess Yuri made, Otabek held him close even after his hips had stopped moving, wrapping his warms around the still shaking boy and kissing his jaw, his sharp cheekbones.   
  
„I’ve got you.“ He repeated, whispering it into golden hair.  
  
Overwhelmed by exhaustion and bliss, Yuri had slumped against Otabek, hands hanging around his shoulders and face pressed against his neck, unable and unwilling to move away. His answer wasn’t much more than another whimper.   
  
  
A few day’s later, he got send a downloadable link from Otabek, it was a new DJ Set:   
  
_Otabek Altin - the dancing tiger (original mix) 01:27:49_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never worked so long on a blowjob before (lol sorry).  
> Sooo...thoughts? 
> 
> Note: I was a bit worried about this being too fast-paced after building stuff up for so long but then I was like: this is the vibe of this story, this is Yuri taking what he wants because he grew up to believe that you gotta take what you can as long as you have the chance/ before someone else does so. Yeah more of that will be talked about later in this story but for now it's supposed to be a bit problematic.
> 
> Also don't start pissing your pants bc Yuri is underage. Age of consent is 16 in Russia and I made sure to write this consensual, teenagers aren't dumb and invalid, they can have sex if they decide what they're ready & want it ect...
> 
> Hope you enjoyed this. I would love to read some comments :) Thank's y'all <3  
> Also: I'm still not over Yuri's 'Welcome to the Madness' EX skate *.*


	10. ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote most of this in the last 24h and my eyes burn so bad that I've maybe (probably) accidentally overlooked a lot of mistakes. Please forgive me and enjoy...

Yuri felt conflicted but something inside his head absolutely refused to let him figure his thoughts out. Every time he tried, there was something like white noise rushing through his ears and he couldn’t think straight, trying to detangle his mind worked as well as shoving against a brick wall. It was pointless and unyielding, leaving him frustrated and tired of trying. And it’s not like he didn’t had other things to do anyways.

But he remembered feeling conflicted when Otabek drove him home that night and he went straight to bed without eating dinner, something inside his stomach fluttering so rapidly that he just didn’t feel hungry.  
He told himself that it was probably just Beka’s cum making his belly upset and went to sleep.   
Except that he couldn’t sleep, he stayed awake all night and stared at his wall, replaying everything that had happened in his head.   
  
He couldn’t believe what he did, couldn’t believe that Otabek had let him do things like that. Yuri didn’t feel regret nor did he feel dirty or cheap but something was still off.   
Like the world had stopped for a moment only to continue spinning twice as fast as before.He had curled up, feeling vulnerable, feeling like he wanted to cry. He felt like running barefoot outside, regardless of knowing that Otabek was long gone, no humming of a motorbike engine left to hear.  
  
Despite the heat he snuggled into his sheets and hated that they didn’t smell like coffee and leather, wishing to relive that night over and over again and wondering if he was loosing his mind, smiling into his pillow despite feeling so torn.   
  
He felt conflicted the next morning when he still didn’t feel like eating, his heads in the clouds until his grandpa’s voice forced him back to reality, his tone suggesting that he had tried multiple times to get an answer out of his grandson.  
Yuri assured him that there was nothing on his mind, stomach queasy with the lie and _dedushka_ only nodding, although the old man’s face telling him that he wasn’t buying it.

Even Ivan asked if Yuri was alright and the blonde almost dropped the can of iced coffee on the grubby floor of the run-down corner store because Ivan was as empathic as a piece of moldy bread on a good day.   
After telling his friend that he should stop sniffling glue since it was clearly affecting his brain, he quickly shoved a pack of cigarettes and another one of gum into his loose combat boots and winked at the woman woking the register before walking outside.   
The sky was clear, the sunlight blindingly bright and Yuri still felt conflicted but it had nothing to do with the stolen gum.

And it wasn’t like work could take his mind off Otabek.   
  
On that stool he had sat folding napkins. Next to that table Yuri had danced for him. They had collided at that very corner that Yuri passed every time he walked to the kitchens and back. They had kissed here for the first time too. Over there Yuri had sunken to his knees, the bruise from the hard tiles still visible on his pale legs.   
And he could barely look at the Bar, which was impossible since it was the heart of the Diner but it was also impossible to suppress the memories that came with looking at it… _his bare ass pressed on the counter, his warm release running down his quivering thighs, hot breath hitting his sensitive skin_ …  
  
With a burning hot face he’d scrubbed the surface over and over again until it come close to a wonder that there was still any paint left of the counter but no matter how hard he scrubbed, it didn’t clean away the mess inside his head. And no matter how dirty it had been what they had done, Yuri couldn’t bring himself to feel guilty over it.

Just like he couldn’t stop his thoughts from wandering back to that night every time he took a long shower after work, when the warm water was hitting his chest as he leaned his shoulders back against the cold tiles. He closed his eyes as his hands disappeared between his legs and he didn’t open them again until his climax almost forced a name to to fall from his panting lips, the same name that was ever-present, regardless of his state of mind.There was no guilt after that, no shame. Only feeling torn and confused and a weird sense of longing.  
  
He only forgot completely about the mess that were his emotions and thoughts when he got the new Set Otabek had mixed, even more so when he saw the title. _The dancing tiger_ … another mix just for _him_. There wasn’t place for anything but absolute happiness inside of him just then.

**xxx**

  
For a while it looked like this summer was shaping up to turn out even better than the last one.   
  
Against all odds, it wasn’t awkward when he saw Otabek again. Partly because he was too damn busy once again and partly because Otabek was downright an angel that wouldn’t make a big scene. When their eyes met across the Diner, he simply winked at Yuri whose heart skipped embarrassingly before he buried his nose inside a book, waiting for Yuri to come to him whenever he had a moment to spare.

Otabek actually wasn’t as cool as he seemed and that book was all just for show, he didn’t read a single line while he watched Yuri from the corner of his eyes.  
He was unsure of how the younger boy would act now, he would’ve probably ripped Otabek’s head off if he’d chosen to show up with a bunch of flowers but if he were to act like nothing had happened between them, that would probably piss him off too. He would need to find some kind of middle ground since he didn’t want to scare Yuri off with dramatic gestures and big words but he also shouldn’t think that what happened didn't matter to Otabek.  
  
Yuri of cause, noticed nothing of Otabek’s inner turmoil since he was busy with his own and actually trying to continue working at that. It was hard listening to the guests and remembering their orders instead of focusing the constant chant of _he is here, he is here, he is here_ inside his head.  
He couldn’t afford looking at Otabek for then he would loose his last ounce of concentration and it was already difficult enough trying to not drop any plates while the thoughts were running through his head so quickly, he almost became dizzy from them.  
  
Truth be told, he was scarred. No matter how much he would’ve liked to pretend that he was as cool as ice and unbothered, he wasn’t.  
What had happened was a big deal, at least to him even if it was hard to admit. He was a bit worried that he had overstepped boundaries, that he had ruined the friendship between him and Otabek.   
And sure, there had been New Years and that thing with Ivan and Sofia and it hadn’t affected their friendship. And there had been that house party with cheap wine and Nina, and things were still like they had been between them.  
But there was no use trying to pretend like _this_ belonged even in the same category as _that_. This was different, this was _Otabek_ and therefore Yuri worried, scrubbing the tables harder than needed.   
  
When it was obvious that he no longer had anything else to do, he headed over to Otabek, trying to not fall over the dirty laces of his sneakers and to resemble some kind of _calm and cool_. The opposite of what he was actually feeling, he let his open hair fall forward on his face in an attempt to let it conceal his blushing cheeks.  
Not that it worked but Otabek was staring at his bruised knees anyways since Yuri basically lived in shorts during summer. _Great._  
  
Sensing the growing tension, Otabek looked up and grinned at Yuri, deciding within an heartbeat that he wanted to turn the blonde’s frown upside-down.   
  
„Did someone sweep you off your feet?“   
  
It was a cheeky joke and if it would have been anyone but Beka, anyone with eyes that weren’t so bright and warm, Yuri would’ve slapped the grin off their face. But now he had to bite his lips hard to prevent them from grinning as well since he appreciated his attempt at trying to loosen the mood.  
  
„Nah, just got knocked down by some big-headed idiot.“ Two could play that game.  
  
Otabek’s grin widened. „So you fell for them?“  
  
Yuri couldn’t believe how bold his friend was but if anything, being cheeky was _his_ speciality.   
  
„Yeah, dropped right to my knees. It was the only way to make that annoying prick shut up.“ He smiled sweetly despite the nervousness churning in his stomach.  
  
Otabek opened his mouth as if to answer, than closed it again. His lips twitched into a smile and his eyes were so bright today that Yuri felt like he was looking directly into the sun. Eventually Otabek settled for a shy grin and looked at him through dark lashes.  
  
„What a lucky bastard, hm?“  
  
Yuri’s heart-rate sped up again, unable to take his eyes off the man in front of him, it took him a few seconds to find his words again.  
  
„Yeah, lucky…“ He whispered weakly. God, did Otabek’s eyes always had that golden shimmer around the iris? Like hot swirling caramel on melted chocolate ice cream, like honey drizzling from a spoon into dark steaming tea…  
  
„Yuri, can you take table 5? I’m busy here!“   
  
Yuri would need to lean in closer, to get a better look…

„Yuri, are you listening?“   
  
He snapped out of it when he felt Otabek nudge his thigh with his knee and immediately, he wanted the earth to swallow him whole. What the hell was wrong with him? People would think he was some kind of lovey-dovey doe eyed brainless idiot drooling all over the place if he continued like that. It was unacceptable.  
  
„Yuri!“  
  
„I’m coming, hag!“ He yelled over his shoulder before turning back to Otabek. Who had the _audacity_ to look smug.  
  
But not for much longer. Yuri had a reputation to maintain and also a shit ton of embarrassment to cover up and he did that the only way he knew how to: by putting on a show. He leaned towards Otabek until his lips brushed the shell of the other man’s hear and with as much seduction as he could muster, he whispered:   
  
„You’re one _very_ lucky bastard indeed.“   
  
And then he simply walked over to table 5, making sure to sway his hips a little more than he usually would. When he looked back over his shoulder, he noticed in delight that Otabek’s eyes were glued to his ass.  
  
That evening, after Otabek drove him home and Yuri went to step away from his motorbike, he felt himself being pulled back by his belt-loops until he stumbled back into strong arms, that held him close while Otabek kissed him breathless. Either for moments or hours, Yuri couldn't tell. Really, there wasn’t much more that he could do other than gasp and melt and kiss back beneath flickering street-lights.

**xxx**

It was inevitable that sooner or later, Yuri’s grandfather would notice that something was going on. Especially since both teens chose to make out in front of the house and against the rattly fence more often than not, after Otabek drove Yuri home from work.  
The dark coat of the night would maybe hide them from the curious eyes of any neighbors but not from the eyes of Nikolai Plisetsky, who knew his grandson well enough to tell with one look on his face, that there was something he wasn’t telling the elder man.

So one night he stayed up longer than he usually would and waited for his grandchild to come home after his shift. At the sound of an approaching Motorbike, Nikolai stood from his armchair and peaked through the curtains when the engine was cut off and the jingle of Yuri’s keys wasn’t to be heard at the door.  
And so it happened that Nikolai saw his grandson standing on his tip-toes, smiling into the kiss of another man who had his gloved fingers buried in moonlight-shining pale hair.The old man stepped away from the window after a few seconds, feeling like he shouldn’t intrude on such a private moment.   
  
Not that anyone could complain over missing privacy if they choose to be snugging openly in the streets but that boy had always been a wild child.  
  
As Nikolai sat back in his armchair, he couldn’t say that he felt all that surprised upon finding his Yuri kissing another boy.   
And while he wasn’t one that liked to listen to the people gossiping or agreeing to any kinds of stereotypes easily, there were a few interests that Yuri held that could have been seen as hints.   
Like all the dancing, the fondness for fashion and makeup, the fact that he had never shown any interest in girls … well to be fair, until today Nikolai hadn’t witnessed his grandson showing interest in _anyone_ , for that matter.  
  
Pondering why Yuri had never mentioned anything, Nikolai asked himself why that may was. He had always told Yuri that he loved him no matter what, that it didn’t matter to him that he wanted to wear his hair long and dress in cloths that weren’t always traditionally made for boys, as long as he was happy.  
But then there was this damn town and the people always talking, if Nikolai heard them whispering on the streets and in the shops, than Yuri would surely also hear them at the Diner and in church.  
  
He had never forced Yuri to come to church with him but did enjoy it when he did, only because it was nice to spend time with him, to not go there alone and sit by himself. He had never forced his religion on the young boy but now he thought about the things Yuri must’ve heard during the Mass about man being with other man and he wondered if that was why Yuri hadn’t mentioned anything to him.

But despite how he himself had been raised and what he had been thought was right in the eyes of the Lord, Nikolai knew that he had enough love in his hearth for both, Yuri and his religion.  
The kiss he had just witnessed didn’t change anything about that.  
  
So when he finally did hear the keys jingle at the door, he called his grandson over straight away.  
  
„Why are you still awake, grandpa?“ Yuri’s cheeks were flushed, his eyes bright.  
  
„I need to speak to you, Yuratchka. Or do you wanna tell me something first?“ Red cheeks turned pale, the small smile disappearing from his lips.  
  
Yuri _hated_ lying to his grandpa. Withholding information was okay, lying was not. His own mother had lied all the time and he had hated it.  
  
„Did you-„ he swallowed,“did you just…“ He gestured in the direction of his front-yard. _Did you see me shoving my tongue down another man’s throat just now?_ It wasn’t like he could just ask that so he prayed that his grandfather understood him either way.  
  
„Yes.“ Relief flooded Yuri that he didn’t had to finish is pathetic question, panic at what would come next. His _dedushka_ had always been kind and loving, he couldn’t imagine him ever not being anything but warm and understanding towards Yuri and _still_ …  
  
„I’m disappointed in you, Yuratchka.“ _Oh my god, here it comes_. Yuri squeezed his eyes shut and prepared for the worst.   
  
„Did you really think you couldn’t tell me, stupid boy.“ _What?_   
  
„Grandpa, I- I didn’t, I-„  
  
„How about you shut your mouth and let the grown up speak since nothing eloquent is coming out of it anyways?“   
  
Yuri swallowed once more and nodded.  
  
„There is nothing that you can’t tell me. There is nothing that I wouldn’t forgive you and there is nothing that would make me love you less.“   
  
Now Yuri really had trouble swallowing around the knot in his throat. „ _Dedushka_ -„  
  
„I’m not finished, so don’t interrupted me. I raised you well and despite being mouthy and bratty, you still turned out alright. Me saying those things doesn’t mean that you’re allowed to wantonly get into any trouble, you hear me boy?“   
  
„Yes, Grandpa.“   
  
„Very well then, now help me get to my room. My back hurts.“

**xxx**

Outwardly, things didn’t change drastically after Nikolai found out.   
It wasn’t that Yuri sat next to him on the couch, gushing over Otabek’s looks. It wasn’t that he started sining love songs while cleaning the dishes or whistling around the house until the birdies started to help him braiding his hair in the mornings and yet, it was somewhat of a huge relief that his grandpa knew.  
  
Yuri didn’t care about the curious looks from his co-workers at him and Otabek when they smiled at each other from across the Diner, he just shrugged and enjoyed denying any answers to Nina and Sofia after they had seen him climbing on the black bike after his shift, which seemed to drive them both crazy with curiosity.  
He accepted Ivan’s silence after the girls told him that Yuri was hanging out with a good looking stranger, knowing that this was the other boys way of letting him know that he didn’t care enough to be angry or annoyed.  
  
And he ignored the _I knew it_. The _I bet there is something between them_ and the _He already looks like a girl, I bet he bends over like one too_ , when he walked down the streets and past gossiping housewives on park benches and smoking men leaning against wet brick walls.  
Yuri didn’t care, Otabek didn’t care and his grandfather also didn’t care. That was all that mattered.  
  
And as long as Yuri didn’t let his temper get the better of him util he snapped or even picked up a fight, he would be fine. Pretty boys only made good tips as long as they didn’t sport a black eye or a busted lip.  
  
Yuri decided it was too hot to overthink anyway. Let the people talk, let his friends pout over him withholding information and _please_ let the worries die down over whatever that _thing_ between him and Otabek was, Yuri didn’t want to think about it.  
  
He wanted to enjoy this summer to the fullest and for a while he did.  
  
Driving his grandpa to his doctor appointments without actually having his driving license yet, with open windows that had the warm summer breeze running through his hair and listening to the old man bickering that he could very well drive his damn self and that he wouldn’t stand up for Yuri if the police decided to pull them over.   
Yuri told him that the police was too busy with all the actual criminals around here to stop their shitty ford, especially since his dedushka didn’t look like trouble at all and Yuri didn’t drove like a maniac for his sake.The old man only stopped grumbling after they were back home.  
  
Once or twice he actually did went shopping with the girls, enjoying the proper air conditioning of the mall more than their company. Blocking out their constant chatter and their attempts of trying to get him into some heels.   
Instead they all ended up with some chokers, sunglasses and sweets which they may or may not forgot to pay for before heading to a second hand store to look at some cloths they could actually afford. Nina and Sofia were shrieking like they had too much sugar, swooning over one vintage dress after another.   
Meanwhile Yuri had saved up a bit to get some tight fitting leather pants, a few frilly cotton shorts that were probably meant as woman PJ’s but he intended to wear out anyway and a white dress shirt that was very loose and basically see-through. He also couldn't resist buying a washed out shirt that was basically way too small for him. It already had a few loose threads but there was a big cartoon tiger on the chest and Yuri just couldn’t leave it there.  
  
As annoying as the girls could be, especially when they were trying to fiddle with Yuri’s hair, he did have a lot of fun with them. Their excitement over nail polish on sale and their giggles over cute boys being contagious.  
  
Not that Yuri giggled over any boys, the one on his mind was already confusing enough that he wished to never get involved in any crushes ever again but it was actually very interesting to listen to the girls talk about boys whenever they sat down in cafés to get some iced sugary goo that had not much to do with actual coffee to begin with but Yuri had a sweet tooth so he didn’t complain.   
He stayed quiet but actually listened closely as the girls gave each other advise, discussing whether or not something was bullshit that they read in some tacky magazine about what men wanted or not.  
  
Yuri felt like he landed in the middle of an American teenage rom-com and hated himself for absorbing every piece of information like a dry sponge. He himself had never put much thought into anything that had to do with romance, much less discussed about it with someone else, it was absurd, really.   
And yet he wondered if he liked girls with long hair better too, if he found lipgloss on them disgusting and sticky and if it was true that every man only wanted _one thing_ , yet expecting his girl to be a virgin.

Yuri had never picked a girl to make out with depending on her hairstyle, he wore lipgloss himself and the only virginity he cared about was his own, so what did that all _mean_?

He had to remind himself that it didn’t matter if he was a bit different from the boys they were talking about, not all men were the same, no matter how often they said so.  
  
Sure, Otabek had seemed to love Yuri’s hair but he wouldn’t buy him lipgloss if he found it disgusting, right? And he had no clue that Yuri was still a virgin and he’d still wanted him and _when the hell had his thoughts wandered back to Otabek anyway?  
_  
He groaned into his Frappucchino and asked himself if there was a cure for this nonsense taking over his mind.  
  
  
**xxx**  
  


After his shopping spree at the second hand store, he intended to save his money up again.   
Not that he had spend much but he still had the plan to leave one day and for that he needed savings. Luckily for him, he made some good tips from tourists these summer days and he tried extra hard to stay polite and sunshine-y all the time so it would stay that way.  
He also hadn’t spend much on dance lessons lately, having found it too hot and exhausting to cramp himself into a smelling bus to dive over into the next town, only to sweat more once he arrived.   
And the money he saved this way also didn’t hurt, he would go again when the heat dyed down a bit.  
  
Because if he wasn’t working, he wanted to be lazy.   
  
Laying in the sun on dry grass behind his grandfathers house in only thin shorts until sweat rolled down his sides and his shoulders became red, listening to the music Otabek send him.  
  
Spilling ice cold beer down Ivan’s back in the drugstore parking lot and then running away in zig zags, trying to escape his revenge while his lungs burned for air and from laughter. The girls cheering them on and shrieking when he beer spilled into their direction.   
  
Braiding his hair up and leaving his face clean from makeup, dressing only in light tops and cotton shorts, slipping into sneakers without socks. Skipping breakfast and eating overripe fruits and cold coffee for lunch, feeling slightly drowsy and dizzy all day. Being unable to sleep at night, sheets too hot, night sky still too bright and cicadas too loud in the uncut grass beneath Yuri’s window.

And then there was Otabek.

Otabek who send him music all the time, who even texted him a lot for his standards.   
Sometimes Yuri got pictures from him: Bikes he was working on and tools scattered all around it, his hands with grease he was unable to wash off even after showering, a cat that always slept on the garage door of his workshop and he had to hush away so he could open up, a selfie with him and the couple from the dance studio at a bar after a few beers and if he was lucky, a snapshot of only Beka and his small smile.

Yuri missed him terribly when they didn’t saw each other for a few days which was horrifying and alarming, so Yuri tried to avoid thinking about it all together.  
In comparison, they saw each other much more this summer but somehow, the time without each other still seemed way too long. Neither of them voiced their thoughts out loud though, having no idea how similar they were.   
Otabek was still unsure how far he could go before he scared Yuri off and Yuri was still torn between leaping into Otabek’s arms and running away from him as fast as he could.  
So they both settled for spending a lot of time with each other but not talking about what they were actually doing.   
  
Somehow everything would work out right in the end, wouldn’t it?  
  
  
 **xxx**  
  
  
Yuri liked that things weren’t changing too much, too quickly.   
They still hung out at the Diner. When he was working he still brought Otabek iced tea and coffee, now brushing against his arm as he walked past or locking eyes with him intensely while he wiped the tables. He smiled whenever Otabek entered and pouted in case he needed to leave earlier.   
  
When there was a lull and they were practically alone, Yuri draped his legs over Otabek’s, watching with wide eyes as the older drew invisible patterns on his skin and shivered when his big hands came close to his thighs.  
  
Like last summer, they played with the worn cards, Yuri hissing whenever he lost and Otabek kissing the curses from his lips when they were by themselves.  
A few times he tried to let Yuri win on purpose but the blond caught up and got mad, trying to kick him. Otabek pulled him onto his lap at that, holding his hands together and kissing all over his jaw and neck until Yuri started to giggle and forgave him reluctantly.  
From there on, Yuri sat on his lap whenever he could, curling into Otabek like a cat.  
  
When Yuri was the one to close the Diner up, Otabek was the one to switch off the lights before the blond could even attempt to mop the floor and a second later they were glued together, stumbling through the darkness.  
Maybe it was this place, maybe it was about Yuri’s long legs but Otabek had developed wandering hands too, once second they were in Yuri’s hair, the next around his neck and under his shirt before they went dangerously close to the small waistband of his shorts.  
  
It took a lot of willpower for Yuri to pull back from the older teens lips and to turn his hips to the side so Otabek’s fingers would stay on his stomach for a moment longer.  
  
„Beka, stop.“ He whispered, while more kisses got pressed under his ear and onto his neck.  
  
„Why?“ He didn’t move his lips away, sounding muffled against his prickling skin.  
  
„I need to clean up, I want to finish around here.“ It was hard to concentrate with the way his head swam because of Otabek.  
  
„You’d rather be cleaning right now, Yura?“ He growled before grabbing his face again, pulling him forwards into a hard kiss.   
Yuri would have stumbled if it wasn’t for him holding Yuri up but then again, he was the one turning his legs into jello.  
  
 _I’d rather die than stop kissing you_ , Yuri thought in that second and then pulled back harshly, scarred by his own thoughts.   
  
Surprised by the force, Otabek let go of him, staring at him with wide eyes instead.   
Trying to cover his odd behaviour up, Yuri immediately moved back towards him, placing sweet kisses onto the corner of his mouth. „Beka.“ He whispered, another kiss onto his cheekbone. „Beka it won’t take long, I wan’t to get out of here.“   
  
He felt Otabek nodding, before he stole one last kiss from Yuri’s lips. „Okay, I’ll help you.“

  
**xxx  
**  
  
They didn’t spend all their time at the Diner anymore.   
A lot of their time, they actually spend pressed against different surfaces…the wall behind the Diner next to the dumpster, the seat of Beka’s Bike, some street-lamps and gnarly trees, brick walls of dirty ally ways, the wobbly fence outside of Nikolai’s house, the door leading into the house…kissing desperately like they were trying to crawl into each other.  
  
Sometimes Yuri coaxed Otabek around the house and into their backyard after the older boy drove him home. Than they laid down in the unruly grass together or sat on the concrete steps of the backdoor, talking quietly so Nikolai wouldn’t wake up and leaning against each other.  
There was a little rusty garden bench that Yuri had tried to pimp by adding a old blanket and some sitting pillows in an failed attempt to make it cosier. They still squeezed themselves onto it, limbs tangled as they continued kissing in the warm night air.  
  
Yuri never really invited Otabek into the house, mostly because they always got there in the middle of the night and it felt wrong sneaking a boy behind his grandfathers back into his bed because that was surely where they would end up, partly because Yuri wasn’t ready yet to give the one place up that was still completely his own.  
They didn’t need to talk about it, Otabek wouldn't like going behind Nikolai’s back either.  
  
However there were a few things Otabek actually did wanted to talk about but something always came in the way. Often it was Yuri, shutting him up by kissing him or distracting him otherwise. It was frustrating and Otabek feared that one day their lack of communication would come back to bite them in the ass but he could also sense that Yuri did this because he either didn’t want to or because he wasn’t ready for it yet.   
And who was Otabek to push him?  
  
Yuri was very well aware that Otabek, with his ever stoic logic and honesty, wanted to label and discuss that _thing_ between them. The problem was Yuri’s childlike mentality of _you can’t loose something that you don’t have_ or _what doesn’t matter can’t hurt you_. Of cause it was already way too late for that by now but he also liked to believe in _it’s not a problem until you call it one._

And what if they ended up realizing that they didn’t want the same things once they talked about it? That seemed like a too big risk to take.

Being with Otabek made him happy. Kissing him felt good and he never got tired of talking to him, wasn’t that enough?  
Yuri was so used of hoarding every little piece of happiness for himself, that his selfish actions of stealing Otabek’s heart but not giving his own back in return, didn’t even cross his mind.   
  
All these feelings and thoughts, were of cause hidden deeply within each boys mind and heart. Only appearing in their subconsciousness when they were deeply sleeping or otherwise distracted, nagging at them silently without them knowing what the churning inside them was about.  
  
It quietened when they were together, then all they were was nervous energy and skipping hearts, fluttering chests and burning longingly for each other. There weren’t always aware of the worries forming under the surface, _later_ they thought, _we will worry about that later._

It was seeing everything through rose-colored glasses at it’s finest.

  
**xxx**   
  


Otabek took Yuri more often for rides, knowing that the blond loved getting out of the dead-end town for a while. They often drove around without destination, sometimes stopping for ice cream or lemonade on their way before continuing their search of a little place for them to stay for a few hours, just the two of them.   
Yuri loved speeding away on the motorbike, arms tightly wrapped around Otabek and spots of colors and light flying by in a blur, it made his skin prickle and his stomach flip in excitement.The places they found to stop at, were by no means anything special at first sight but that wasn’t that this was about.

They laid atop large dusty rocks, surface warm from the sun with nothing but fields around them. The only sounds to hear was the rustling of yellow corn and the chatter of birds from above them. Eyes closed against the blinding light, they basked in the sun with their shoulders touching, a slight sheen of sweat on their tanned skin.   
Sometimes they pulled out a pair of headphones to share, phone between their bodies on the stone. The warm wind ruffled through Yuri’s hair and lulled him to sleep, music in his ears and Otabek next to him.  
  
Down the street from a kiosk, they sat on a bench with peeling paint. Yuri lazily draped his legs over Otabek’s and licked melting ice cream from his fingers, trying to prevent his hair from sticking to his sugary skin as well. He complained when Otabek’s ice dripped onto his calf, leaving a pink strawberry trail behind and blushed as Otabek casually shifted to lick it away again. Not caring that they were in public.

Playgrounds were nice too, when there weren’t screaming brats or smoking pre-teens around.   
Yuri loved swings and he would nag and hiss at Otabek, who was refusing to join him until he found out that he could be convinced with kisses and _please Beka_ , whispered into his neck.   
He still wouldn’t compete on a _who can swing the highest_ but it was a start.  
  
Of cause Otabek was a nature boy and he told Yuri all about Almaty’s breathtaking mountains as they wandered through the woods, Motorbike left on a dirt road outside the tree lines.  
Out here surrounded by so much green and fresh air, it was hard for Yuri to accept that sooner or later he would have to return to all the dirt and trash he was used too.   
  
He listened to Otabek’s voice and wondered if his hometown would sound magical too if only Otabek were the one to describe it.

When they found a clearing, they stopped to sit against a large tree, watching how the light filtered through the trees. Yuri ripped out pieces of long grass, trying to weave them into a small circle while Otabek finished his story.   
  
If only this summer would never end.   
  
Yuri was seventeen and crazy about a gorgeous young man. He loved the heat and the sweet sweat on Otabek’s dark skin, he loved grass stains on his own jeans and the small purple marks Otabek left behind on his neck beneath his golden hair. He never wanted to stop living off sugary ice pops and cold coffee, wanted to make good tips while he felt his shoulder’s prickle from Otabek staring at him from across the Diner. He liked wearing his frilly shorts, liked playing with worn cards and burning his bare thighs on the hot leather-seat of the motorbike. He didn’t mind getting bitten by mosquitos if it meant kissing Otabek beneath the stars, didn’t mind getting getting twigs into his hair if they tumbled to the ground together.  
  
The place didn’t matter, what mattered was if Otabek was there with him.  
  
Yuri dropped the grass he had fiddled with, fingertips light-green as he climbed onto Otabek’s lap, pushing him against the tree behind him as he did so.  
  
„Kiss me, Beka.“ He demanded against lips already parted by surprise and pushed his tongue between them as soon as the man beneath him reacted.

Slow and sweet could wait, he needed their kiss to be as desperate as he felt. He curled his fingers into Otabek’s hair and pressed himself closer to him, inhaling the scent of wildflowers and a mixture of sweat and cologne deeply. Otabek matched his pace, sucking on his tongue and licking his lips, kissing back with vigor. His hands had wandered to his favorite place on Yuri’s hips, digging into the little round flesh there and pressing him closer as well.

Their lips stayed locked, neither of them having the desire to part in favour to kiss along jaw’s or shoulders.   
It was only when they both felt way too hot under their cloths, that they briefly parted to hastily get rid of their shirts before crashing back together. With the way their sweaty skin slid together, it really was no surprise how quickly they got all worked up.  
  
Yuri loved having his ass pressed against the evidence of Otabek’s arousal, feeling his own hard on pulse as he started to roll his hips against it. Moans slipped into their sloppy kiss and Otabek pushed his hands under the soft cotton of Yuri’s shorts in oder to knead his bare cheeks and pull him harder against him.  
Yuri’s grinding became faster and he buried his nails into Otabek’s shoulders as he felt the familiar tightening in his abdomen approach. He broke their kiss to let out a row of pants, only to be flipped over onto his back, Otabek suddenly hovering over him.  
  
He whined at the loss of contact, watching with hazy eyes how Beka slipped his short all the way off quickly, leaving him completely naked beneath him.Yuri had no time to realize that this was the first time he would be looked at without anything to hide behind as he was reaching out to get Otabek back against him.   
The other male still wore his jeans as he got pulled down again, pressing the blonde into the grassy floor. The jean material felt rough against Yuri’s sensitive bare skin but he was craving the friction, moving his hips against Otabek’s and raking his nails over his muscular back.   
  
„God, you’re beautiful Yura.“ Otabek groaned against his mouth before capturing his lips once more.  
  
Yuri wanted to make some smart-ass comment like _so I’ve been told_ or _don’t be a sappy shit and make me come_ but he only managed to whine in response, feeling his heart jump in joy at the compliment.  
  
He wasn’t sure how but at one point Otabek’s jeans came undone too and got pulled down slightly so their lengths were rubbing against each other as well. Yuri arched his back, loose grass blades sticking to his sweaty skin and moved his hips in fast desperation, his climax approaching once more. He moaned and clung to Otabek’s neck as he spilled over his own stomach, his thighs shaking against the older man’s grip.   
  
There were kisses being pressed against his neck as he tried to catch his breath and as soon as he came back to his senses, he reached between their bodies to wrap his fingers around Otabek’s length, wanting him to follow into the bliss that had bloomed in his chest and was freely spreading through his limbs by now.   
In the end he did need a little help from Otabek too, who placed his fingers above Yuri’s and showed him how he liked to be touched before he thrusted into their joined hands faster and spilled his warm seed onto Yuri’s flat stomach as well, groaning against his shoulder as he came.  
  
They stayed pressed against each other for a few more moments, despite being sticky and gross with sweat and cum. When they parted, Otabek simply rolled off him until they were lying beside each other, staring up at the treetops and at the open sky. Their fingertips touching.  
  
Later, Otabek would comb knots and leafs out of Yuri’s hair with his fingers, without being asked to do so. And despite Yuri’s blushing and nagging, his eyes would shine brightly as if someone lit a light behind them.

  
**xxx**  
  
  
Yes, for a while it looked like this summer was shaping up to turn out even better than the last one. And then everything went downhill.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm evil, lol sorry. As always, I will try to update again as soon as possible.
> 
> Thanks for all the love on this <3 Please continue leaving comments so I know what you guys think, it's also my main source of motivation if you wanna help with that :D See you next lev-..time xx


	11. eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Almost 11 thousand words to make your Sunday a little better...or worse, we will see ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some violence in this Chapter, nothing too sickening but if you have a problem with that, please read with caution. Enjoy.

Yes, for a while it looked like this summer was shaping up to turn out even better than the last one. And then everything went downhill.  
  
It started with Yuri having a free day for once, one that he had planned to spend with Otabek. He refused to call it a date but since the older would pick him up from home this time instead of just stopping by the Diner, it practically was one.  
He had no idea what the older boy had panned, god, _if_ he had even planned anything at all but he still found himself annoyingly nervous.  
With Nikolai being next doors with their old neighbour to watch some kind of sports on TV, Yuri had no distraction after he woke up and had breakfast.  
Deciding his hair could use a wash, he hopped under the shower and stayed there far longer than he usually would. Even properly conditioning his hair, which was a rare treat he only allowed himself like every two weeks. He shaved himself more carefully and slower than normally, not wanting any burning scratches on his skin that had faint lines of blood running down his legs.

Fresh as a daisy, he emerged from the shower and even took the time to patiently comb out his hair and then blow-dry it until it fell over his shoulders like a soft golden veil.  
At this point there was no denying that Yuri put actual effort into getting ready for Otabek and if he wouldn’t have been so deep in thought over said one, he’d surely been put off by his own behaviour and would mess up his hair again, just to make a point.  
But since he had quite some time left until Otabek would show up and Yuri wondered what they would do then, he almost absentmindedly slathered his legs with almond-lotion, removed his chipped nail polish and spend an absurd amount of time trying to create the _faintest_ yet most perfect eyeliner wing he’d ever done.  
  
As he was raiding his closet for something to wear, he stumbled across a shirt he’d found ages ago at the second hand shop but didn’t got a chance to wear over the winter since it was so light.  
It was simple, a white blouse kinda shirt with short sleeves and small fake peals for buttons. Yuri remembered thinking that it looked innocent, like a vintage piece being worn to church by good girls with intact families.  
But if you paired it with tight black jeans, maybe some studded leather boots…  
  
Yuri pulled it from the closet and slammed its doors shut before anything else could fall on his littered floor.  
As he was buttoning it up, he grinned at the realisation that it was a bit short for his larger torso, meaning that it would expose a silver of his stomach and back just the way he liked it. And if Otabek’s stares at his bare skin were anything to go by, he liked it even more.  
But the search for some accessories turned out harder then he thought. None of his chokers or silver necklaces seemed to fit the shirt, the sculls and little charms disappearing under the high neckline.  
Yuri huffed in frustration and started at his mirrored self until a memory struck him as he looked at the fake peal-buttons.  
  
If he remembered right, his grandpa still owned a small box full of things that had belonged to his mother. Things Nikolai had saved from their old apartment long before he took Yuri from there. Like his grandmothers peals…  
Yuri faintly remembered his mother and grandpa fighting over them, him accusing her of pawning all of grandma’s old jewellery to blow the money for useless shit and giving it to her irresponsible boyfriends.  
In reality she’d probably spend the money on coke and cheap wine but his grandpa didn’t knew that back then.  
  
Now the following mess could have been avoided if Yuri had been patient enough to quickly walk over to the neighbour, to simply ask his grandfather about the pearls. In hindsight, this was the moment Yuri would often think back on and wonder if he could have done anything else to change what happened after he went looking for the box in his grandfather’s bedroom. Truth was, the universe had already decided on the events that would take place over the next few months and Yuri could have stood on his head and it wouldn’t have changed a thing. The universe was relentless like that.

Yuri was blissfully unaware of the anxiety that would spread like ice through his veins in a few minutes as he opened closet doors and bedside drawers in search for the old wooden box that had belonged to his grandmother once, before she gave it to her daughter which never treasured it like she should have.  
There were small flowers and birds engraved on the lid and the hinge was broken, Yuri remembered, he knew it should be here somewhere …he’d seen it back when he first moved into this house.  
  
Some nights he’d crawled into Nikolai’s bed, haunted by nightmares and missing his mother, seeking for comfort from his _dedushka_.  
In all those years since his mother left, Yuri had never wanted anything that had to do with her. No photos, no stories and certainly none of her old belongings. Nikolai must’ve been very aware of that, it was the only explanation for why he hid what he hid right were Yuri finally found the dusty box, at the back of one drawer.  
  
Carefully to not stain his half-buttoned shirt with dust, he took out the box and almost missed the stack of neatly folded papers hidden underneath. _Almost_.  
  
Pearls forgotten and eyes glued to the papers, he put the box down and reached for them. Flipping them through and reading over them quickly, breath and heartbeat increasing with every page. Letters from Nikolai’s doctor…medical results Yuri didn’t knew about… prescriptions for new medication…heavy heart medication…medication bills that had him gasp for air…After Yuri was done reading, his heart hammered against his chest as if to mock Nikolai’s weak one.  
  
His heart…Yuri didn’t understood. Yes his _dedushka_ wasn’t the youngest anymore but he had never mentioned having problems with his heart before. It had always been his back or his knee, why hadn’t he told Yuri? His dry eyes burned and Yuri felt anger flaring up through the waves of crashing anxiety as he took another look at the medical bills. He had a pretty good idea why Nikolai hadn’t said anything, stubborn old men! Always trying to shield Yuri as if he couldn’t handle the truth.

With shaking hands, Yuri carefully put the papers back and placed the box back atop them as if he’d never touched anything. Then he practically sprinted to his room. He ripped off the blouse and shrugged on a shirt he’d been complimented on before by a costumer.  
Not longer caring about his hair, he carelessly gathered it into a ponytail, tugging painfully at the strands as he did so. 5 minutes later he was out of the house, running all the way to the Diner like the hellhounds were behind him.  
  
Not thinking, not _caring_ that Otabek was probably about to pick him up at home any moment now. He bust through the backdoors and scared the shit out of Rita, who was walking past and stared at him with wide eyes while he gulped down air.  
  
„Manager?“ He panted out, unable to get out a full sentence.  
  
„In his office. I think he’s about to leave, you know how he is. I’d like to have his job, I tell you. Makes more than us and only comes by every once in a while and then he just stays half a day while-„  
  
Yuri didn’t heard the ending of her speech, having already pushed past her and urging his wobbly legs to move faster in the direction of the manager’s office.  
If needed, he would beg on his knees for more shifts. _Hell_ , he would take them all, double shifts, night shifts the whole weekend and every other opportunity he’d get. He would scrape up enough money so he could pay for the expensive medication all by himself, everything else be damned. Nothing was more important than that. _Nothing._

 **xxx  
**  
  
The manager, that slimy prick, was delighted by Yuri’s work _attitude and ambition_ , as he told the blond with a yellow grin while he signed him up for as many upcoming shifts as he could.  
Meanwhile Yuri felt like puking onto his shoes from anxiety and anger. Still, he made sure to be a good boy and say _thank you_ while trying to muster a strained smile.  
  
Again he was told he was _lucky_ , he could start working right away. After another thank you, Yuri gave himself exactly 5 minutes to get his shit together. In the bathroom he splashed cold water into his face until it felt numb and rubbed off the smudged eyeliner he had so carefully applied earlier. He felt like crying.  
  
Ignoring the tightness in his chest, he quickly send a text to Otabek: **_Hey, I have to cancel today. Gotta work, sorry._**  
  
It was weak and no proper explanation, Yuri knew that but he couldn’t deal with that now too. His heart already felt too heavy and his mind too full. He turned his phone on silent and drank some water straight from the tap before he slipped back out into the Diner, putting on a smile for the world to see.

**xxx**

Half an hour. It couldn’t have been more than half an hour since Yuri send that text before Otabek pushed the doors of the Diner open, looking anything but happy, even for his standards.  
  
His expression matched Yuri’s, who only frowned further as he saw him coming in. On any other day he’d be unable to control his smile and to keep his heart from skipping in joy. Today the skip felt rather painful and he wanted to hide, or for Otabek to leave again, he wasn’t sure which one he preferred.  
He just knew that he couldn’t deal with him and his visible disappointment right now. That he had other things on his mind right now, that he couldn’t take much more today before he would explode.  
And he would like to spare Otabek that. Yuri wasn’t stupid, just impulsive and he knew that he unleashed his anger often into the wrong direction. Or in this case, onto the wrong person.  
Which was why Otabek needed to leave as soon as possible.  
  
Unfortunately he didn’t look like he could read minds as he leaned against the counter, keeping his eyes on Yuri and making a point by not even sitting down.  
While Yuri finished the table he was currently waiting, he tried to imagine how the inevitable conversation between them would go.  
  
_Hey, what are you doing here?_  
  
_Hi, I’m annoyingly caring for literally no reason at all and when I read your text, I wanted to check if you’re alright. Are you alright, Yuri?_  
  
_No, I feel like bawling and puking because my grandpa lied to me about being sick and we don’t have enough money to pay for his new medication, which is why I now have to work 24/7 in an attempt to pay for them, including giving up my savings, dance lessons and spending time with you. I hope you don’t mind and wait for me until I have time again in a few years?_  
  
_Sure, I understand and I’m not mad at you for treating me like shit once again. I’ll be gladly waiting for you all my life if I have to. Where else would I find a emotionally closed off, destructive little cunt that never learned basic human communication or coping methods for their aggressive behaviour and suppressed childhood traumas? Don’t worry babe, you’re not easily replaceable at all and I love wasting my time and money visiting you all the time. How about a piece of pie, hubby?_  
  
If Yuri hadn’t dreaded talking to Otabek before, he definitely did now.  
  
And as tempting as it was to just ignore him or disappear out of the backdoor, he knew that he had to talk to him sooner or later.  
The one day that his manager was actually here, he wanted to avoid making a scene. He needed this job now more than ever. Before he walked up to Otabek, he made sure that all guest were well supplied, then he quickly went over.  
  
„Hey, what are you doing here?“ So far, so good. He hoped that he didn’t looked as visibly shaken as he actually was.  
  
„You’re kidding right?“ Otabek kept his voice down but it didn’t sound as gentle as it usually did.  
  
Yuri felt like that time he and Ivan had chugged an entire pack of energy drinks for a dare. His hands were shaking and his heart wouldn’t stop racing, he just wanted to lay down in silence and focus on his breathing, suppressing the rising nausea.  
  
„I’m sorry for the short notice, I had to work.“  
  
„You said today was your day off.“ Yuri didn’t liked the way Otabek’s eyebrows were knitted together, turning his stoic expression angry.  
  
„I know.“ _Just tell him, just explain yourself._  
  
„So I took a day off too, we wanted to spend it together.“  
  
_You shouldn’t have._ „I didn’t ask you to do that.“Otabek clenched his jaw, narrowing his eyes slightly. _Please don’t look at me like that._  
  
„I drove all the way down here _again_ , just to get a text from you cancelling 10 minutes before I reached your frontdoor. Couldn’t you have said something earlier?“  
  
„I said I’m sorry, calm down.“ He forgot to add the _please_ and in an attempt to keep his voice from shaking, it sounded way harsher then intended.  
  
„ _Two hours_ , Yuri! It’s an almost two hours drive from my place to your’s, did you know that? That’s almost four hours to come here and then drive back home. Do you wanna know what I spend on petrol these days?“ _Accusations_ , the last thing Yuri wanted to deal with right now, especially since they hit a little too close to his own destructive thoughts but Otabek wasn’t done yet: „Do you even care about any of that? Do you think about it? I can never tell what’s going on inside your head. I never know where you stand.“  
  
Otabek looked disappointed and Yuri felt his eyes burning again. _I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this right now.  
I’m not that selfish_ , Yuri wanted to say. _Of cause I think about things like that and I’m sorry, I’ll explain it to you_. But how? _How?_  
  
Yuri felt his throat closing up, refusing to let the words out. This was so frustrating! Couldn’t Otabek see how miserable Yuri already was? Did he need to make it worse?  
  
„I didn’t ask you for any of this.“ This time his voice did shake and he saw it in Otabek’s eyes that he’d given the worst answer but that was just how Yuri worked. _Attack is the best from of defence_.  
  
Otabek was quite, calm still but Yuri could tell that he was angry. Angry and disappointed and hurt. „No, but you still _took_ all of it, didn’t you?“  
  
He might as well could’ve just hit Yuri across the chest, it would have stung the same. _Don’t cry, don’t cry._  
God this was getting out of hand but Yuri had no idea how to stop it.  
Every fibre of his being wanted to scream at Otabek, wanted to make him shut up and leave him alone. He wanted to hiss and snap and claw but he couldn’t. Maybe he was too drained, the anxiety and stress being too much for his body to lash out. Maybe he was too tired to fight, too scarred to attack. Otabek didn’t seem to notice, only seemed to get more impatient when he didn’t answer.  
  
„Didn’t you, Yura?“  
  
He never heard Otabek hiss out his nickname in anger before.  
_Yura_ was moaning into his ear, was being kissed into naked skin. _Yura_ was all smiles and bright eyes, was teasing and chucking. It was warm summer days and melting ice-cream, sunshine and happiness. _Yura_ was a save heaven, an unspoken promise and affection, always affection.  
  
It wasn’t calm anger and icy disappointment. Until now.  
  
For Yuri, it was the last straw.  
And then he exploded but not like he had expected. No screaming or yelling, no big scene and hurtful words. No swearing that had every customer turning their heads and covering their kid’s ears with horrified expressions. No glaring and hissing, no accusations. Not even a good fist fight.  
Which showed that Yuri had truly reached his wits end for today.  
  
Instead…“I’m sorry.“ Yuri _sobbed_ out, voice cracking to his own horror and his hand flew up to clamp over his mouth in shock but it was already too late. He felt hot tears spilling over his cheeks and onto his shaking fingers as he held his breath.  
  
Otabek’s eyes had widened the second Yuri’s voice had cracked and now stared at his in disbelieve, looking just as shocked. He had never seen Yuri cry before, he knew how much the blond _hated_ admitting weakness and looking vulnerable.  
He went to say something but found himself speechless. He went to reach out for the younger but Yuri already stumbled back like a injured animal.  
  
Then he whirled around and crossed the Diner in a few long strides before disappearing through the staff doors.  
Yuri furiously whipped at his eyes. Their conversation, if you wanna call it that, had only lasted a few minutes and they hadn’t made a big scene. Chances were good that no one had noticed Yuri bursting into tears, well except for Otabek…  
  
Yuri found himself tumbling out the backdoors, relieved to see that none of his co-workers where out here to smoke. Hoping to relief his stress, he searched his apron for his own pack, finding it crumpled and almost empty.  
He lit his cigarette and took a deep drag, tears continuing to spill from his eyes. It hurt when he let himself glide down the brick wall until he was crouching against it on the floor, withered weeds ticking his bare legs.  
After a few more drags it got harder to suppress his sobs. To prevent himself from making any noise, he pressed his palm over his mouth again as he cried, his body shaking violently.

His other hand held the cigarette as it slowly burned down, ashes falling to the ground because of his unsteady fingers. There wasn’t a noise to be heard as he sobbed, tears spilling freely now.  
He was angry that his grandfather had lied to him, scarred that he would loose the only family he had left. He was anxious for the future, already stressed about how he would manage to get so much money. He was grieving his plans he would have to give up, the savings he would need to kiss goodbye. It hurt what had happened with Otabek, what he had said and that he’d been _right_ about it too.He felt embarrassed and weak over letting his guard down and bursting into tears, hated that he’d lost control. _Once again._  
He felt too tired and too small to carry so much stress and weight, it was draining and exhausting and this was only the beginning.  
From now on it would only get harder.  
  
Not for the first time in his life, Yuri wished that he was a normal teenager with a loving and supporting family without money issues. He cursed his dad once again for leaving and his mother twice more for turning into an alcoholic and fucking him up for good.  
  
Yuri held his breath as he heard footsteps approaching. It couldn’t be once of his colleagues, the backdoor had stayed closed.  
The sight of familiar biker-boots came into view but he didn’t dare to look up, being more than aware of his tear streaked face.  
Not that it mattered now, if Otabek had walked over and around the Diner he would have seen Yuri sobbing anyway. And it wasn’t like Yuri could stop the tears from streaming down so he didn’t even try, just pressed his eyes close again so he could at least pretend that he was alone.  
  
Seeing Yuri like this broke Otabek’s heart and made him forget every ounce of anger he had felt before as he knelt into the dust in front of the shaking boy. The smoke of Yuri’s cigarette stung in his eyes as he tried to figure out what happened.  
There was no way Otabek’s anger alone would have made Yuri crumble like this, right? That had only been the tip of the iceberg, he was sure of.  
  
„Yuri, what happened?“ His voice was gentle again, quiet so he wouldn’t scare him off.  
  
There was no reaction from the blond, he continued sobbing silently without looking up. He had heard Otabek indeed but even if he was able to speak, which he wasn’t, he wouldn’t have known what to say.  
  
„Yuri, speak to me.“ Yuri shook his head, that had to be enough. _I can’t, I can’t._

„You’re freaking me out.“  
  
After waiting a few more moments, Otabek had enough. He grabbed Yuri’s wrist and pulled his hand off his mouth, using his other hand to cup the blonds jaw and push his head up, forcing him to look at him.  
Yuri held his breath, trapping the sobs in his chest. He’d rather choke than be heard bawling like a little kid. Instead he glared at Otabek with teary eyes.  
  
Yuri’s eyes were glassy, red rimmed and full of anger and pain. His long lashes clung together wetly, he had tear tracks on his cheeks. He looked smaller than Otabek had ever seen him and it tugged at his heart painfully.  
  
„What happened, Yuri?“ He repeated.  
  
Yuri continued shaking his head and then he shook off Otabek’s grip too, finally finding his voice again even if it was still small and shaky. „I have to go back to work.“  
  
Otabek looked at him like he was crazy. „No! What happened? You scarred me.“  
  
„Nothing. I’m alright. Don’t worry.“ Yuri wiped his face clean and redid his ponytail, avoiding looking into Otabek’s eyes.  
  
„No, you’re not. Speak to me, Yura.“  
  
„I can’t.“ He whispered and as fucked up as that was, it was the truth. Otabek seemed to sense that as well but he still stared at him with the pleading confusion to _explain._  
Yuri took one last long drag from the cigarette until he reached the filter before he flicked the butt away and stood up. Otabek rose as well.  
  
„You were right Beka, I only take and I don’t give back. I have no idea what you want from me but if that is something that bothers you, maybe you should just leave.“  
  
Yuri couldn’t look him in the eyes as he said this, then he went back inside before he could get an answer.  
He quickly washed his face and smeared some concealer under his eyes, trying to do some damage control. Afterwards he went back to his shift like nothing had happened in the last 15 minutes.  
  
Otabek didn’t follow him back inside.

**xxx**

Like any responsible person ensuring to not follow into the steps of their alcoholic parent, Yuri got absolutely wasted that night trying to forget about his problems for a while.  
One text send to Ivan was enough, saying that he intended to drink his own weight in vodka tonight but had no intentions of paying for a single drink, he should go and figure out a plan until Yuri’s shift was over and while he was at it, bring some spare cloths for him as well when he came to pick him up. Yuri had no desire to get home first, he couldn’t face his grandpa, not yet.

He couldn’t just easily forgive the old man for hiding something so important from him, it hurt too much.  
  
It was already dark outside as Yuri waited for Ivan to pull up and he passed the time doing his makeup, using his phone as a improvised mirror. He’d found a forgotten makeup-bag in his work’s locker earlier, nothing to squeal over, just some crusty mascara, dark eyeliner and the kind of glittery, sticky lipgloss that started to smell funny after a while. But it had to do for tonight.  
He went for dark smokey-eyes, wanting to cover up as much of the lingering redness around his puffy eyes, figuring that he rather wore four coats of mascara then looking like he’d cried. Leaving his hair messy and open, he was ready to embrace the _I-know-I-already-look-wasted-despite-being-sober-but-I’m-too-edgy-to-care-_ look.  
  
When Ivan finally arrived, Yuri ripped the door of his dad’s car open before the other boy had even properly parked it, slipping inside.  
  
„God, what took you so long?“  
  
„Well Hello to you too, sunshine. What’s with the whore makeup?“  
  
„Matches my mood.“ Yuri said, ignoring the insult. „Did you bring me some cloths? I smell like fries.“  
  
„On the backseat. What’s the occasion?“ Ivan asked.  
  
„Huh?“ Yuri dug through the trash on the backseat, pushing empty soda bottles and old take-out bags aside, trying to find his cloths.  
  
„For the drinking orgy.“  
  
„Since when do we need a reason to get pissed?“  
  
„You gotta point there. So no reason?“  
  
„Many reasons. Hey where did you get those shorts from?“  
  
„They’re Sofia’s, she forgot them at my place“ _Yikes._  
  
That’s why it was so easy to be around Ivan, he didn’t ask unnecessary questions about topics Yuri clearly didn’t want to talk about. He knew that everyone had his own shit to deal with, no emotional vomiting needed.  
  
„Sofia’s? They’ll never fit! What else did you bring?“  
  
„Oh come on Plisetsky, you’ve squeezed your little bum into smaller pieces before, don’t act like you’re not dressing like a baby-whore any other day of the week.“ Ivan grinned, dodging as Yuri went to hit him.  
  
„God, you’re a pest. Where’s the rest?“  
  
„There’s a Alice Cooper shirt I found in the back of my closet that I thought you’d like, it’s probably a bit big but you can just tie a knot in it or whatever. And the pair of boots that you’ve forgot and I’ve been driving around for the last 3 months.“  
  
„Oh you had them? I was searching for these!“

Yuri changed while Ivan drove, trowing his smelly clothes on the backseat and promising to not forget them there _again_. To Ivan’s amusement, he _did_ manage to squeeze into Sofia’s tiny shorts which were promptly covered again by the band-shirt. So Yuri ended up tying it at the hips like his friend had suggested.  
  
„So what’s the plan?“ He asked while Ivan lit each of them a cigarette, paying more attention to his empty lighter than the street ahead of them.  
  
„I feel like a night without the girls. No club, no dancing. Let’s chill at the pub and play some pool, maybe some darts.“  
  
„Not that I don’t agree but pubs are full of old dudes and I don’t plan on paying for my own drinks.“  
  
„I would bet you anything that they would think you’re a girl as long you keep your mouth shut. But that’s beside the point, I haven’t made use of my nimble fingers in a while, so what do you say? Should we take them to the cleaners?“  
  
There was cigarette smoke coming out Ivan’s nose as he grinned at Yuri and Yuri felt himself grinning back, more than ready to erase that horrible day from his memory with strong clean liquid.  
  
„What are we waiting for?“  
  
**xxx**  
  


In a town like this, it didn’t matter in how many fistfights you’d gotten before at a bar, they always let you back in.  
If the pubs around here banned everyone who ever puked on the counter, trashed a table or gotten into troubles swinging their fists, then there would be no one left in them wasting money on bitter beer and cheap vodka.  
  
Walking into the rundown bar was like getting hit by a wave of thick smoke, stale alcohol, sweat and dust. The light was dimmed, the grubby floor sticky and the damp-stained wallpaper had a yellow tinge from years of cigar and cigarette smoke.  
There were fist-sized holes in the walls, wooden chairs with visibly glued-back-together legs and the worn, cheap interior was full of scratches and dents.  
It was hot and non air-conditioned, the toilets basically unusable and beyond reeking, only used by those who were too wasted to notice the smell or too desperate for a quick fuck. The rest of the guests just pissed into the gutter outside.  
The noise was overwhelming. Drunk mumbling and moaning, roaring laughter from a smoker’s lung, caterwauling and taunts and of cause, clinking glasses with the occasional shattering bottle. As well as the music coming from cracking boxes, playing some shitty 70’s folk and rock in low quality.  
  
And no matter the pub, it always attracted the same crowd.  
Sweaty old guys in tracksuits peering at every young thing that came in, their beer guts threatening to break the wobbly stools they sat on. Toothless men with faces that looked either too young or too old to guess their proper age, drinking from dust until dawn which caused them to smell like sour sweat and unwashed skin.  
Next, racists and chav’s, often accompanied by the worst of what the local youth had to offer. The whole cliché: shaved heads, muscle shirts, gold chains and badly inked tattoos. And their girlfriends: strawy bleached hair, high heels that had them slipping on the grimy floor and smoking despite the small baby bumps poking from their fake-fur jackets.  
Lastly, the truckers and transients. Unshaved, uncivilised and unsufferable.  
  
Most of them were drunk, had a dislike towards the word _No_ and developed wandering hands and deaf ears in proportion of their consumptions of alcohol and depending on how pretty- and how lightly dressed the object of their desire was. Yuri could tell a thing or two about that.  
  
It occurred to Yuri, that if he had to sort himself and Ivan into one of these categories, they’d be part of _the worst of what the local youth had to offer_. No one would disagree with him on that, especially since Ivan had paid for every empty glass in front of Yuri, just not with his own money.  
  
Like expected, most heads had turned as Yuri walked in with Ivan in throw and he’d been more than aware that most men wore underwear that was longer than the shorts that did a piss-poor job at covering _anything_.  
But Yuri had been in a _mood_ , not one that had him flipping everyone looking off or swearing at them promptly. No he felt like playing cat and mouse. He craved some distraction, some fun. A little risk and a lot of trouble, that was, _if_ they got caught.

They spend the first few hours at the pub testing Ivan’s assumption that Yuri would pass for a girl and took the absolute piss when it worked. Introducing themselves as cousins from Prague, Ivan explained that _Yulia_ unfortunately didn’t spoke a word of Russian which was why she had to whisper into his ear all night, so he could translate for her and say thank you whenever someone brought over a drink for the pretty girl.

The drunker Yuri got, the harder it got for him to not burst into tears by laughing about those stupid idiots.  
  
„God why didn’t we had that idea earlier?“ Ivan chuckled as he took a sip from Yuri’s drink.  
  
„Dunno. But it’s fun, isn’t it?“ He said into Ivan’s ear to which Ivan loudly asked if anyone had a cigarette for his cousin.  
Yuri hid a giggle beneath his hand as multiple men reached into their pockets.Ivan took one as well, despite the full pack in his jeans.  
  
„Jackpot, baby.“

**xxx**

Yuri eventually got bored of their game and with his head spinning slightly, it got harder to push hands away that threatened to disappear between his thighs.  
As much as he would surely enjoy one or two shocked faces if these dudes were to grope his unexpected dick and the inevitable chaos that would follow afterwards but Yuri didn’t want any people to touch him like that tonight. It made his skin burn uncomfortably.S  
  
o he went to play some darts with Ivan which was a catastrophe. They hit the wall much more often than the target but laughed nevertheless, pleasantly tipsy by now.  
Whenever someone came over to flirt with Yuri, the blond simply hissed until they went away again and Ivan sag the _what’s new pussycat_ song until he was cry-laughing. He didn’t feel like company from strangers anymore, feeling entertained enough by Ivan alone.  
  
The waistband of his lent shorts dug painfully into Yuri’s sides, undoubtedly leaving red marks behind and his glassy eyes burned from the thick smoke. The tips of his hair smelled like vodka since he accidentally dipped them into his drink earlier and he would probably have to walk home later, since Ivan was way to drunk to dive but he still felt a lot better than earlier on.  
It was surely just the alcohol and tomorrow, mixed with a hungover, he would probably feel much worse but that didn’t matter for now.  
  
All that mattered now was … „Shots, shots, shots, shots-„  
  
Ivan’s hand came to cover his mouth, swaying as he laughed.„Shots?“  
  
„Shots!“  
  
„What a brilliant idea, blondie. Vodka?“  
  
„We’ve been drinking Vodka all night.“  
  
„Oh…but we usually drink Vodka shots.“  
  
„We drink Vodka shots when we drink beer.“  
  
„So,… beer shots now?“  
  
Yuri laughed, scrunching his nose up as he did so. „No, I want cherry snaps. Sour.“  
  
„Fine but I’ll take a beer shot, be right back.“  
  
Yuri watched with half-lidded eyes how his friend effortlessly made it look like he accidentally knocked into someone, then quickly took several bills from the man’s pocket and bought him a drink in apology from his own money, all while smiling genuinely. The man was delighted and Ivan went to order their shots. _That’s true talent._

**xxx**

„So what now?“  
  
„Hm?“ Yuri sat crossed legged at a wobbly table, Ivan next to him, and flicked dusty peanuts across the bar in amusement. 5 points if he hit someone on the butt, 10 points for the back of their head. 20 for someones drink.  
  
„We got you some Sugar-daddies paying for our drink’s earlier, then I took their money the old-fashioned way. What’s next? I’m thirsty.“ Ivan fake-pouted, demanding Yuri’s attention.

Yuri promptly missed his next flick as his friend grabbed his wrist, sending the next peanut flying into the wrong direction. „Damn it Ivan, you’ll mess up my score!“  
  
„What about pool?“  
  
„I don’t have one.“ Yuri dismissed, picking another nut.  
  
„Billiards, you idiot. Are you drunk?“  
  
„Not smashed but too drunk to play a decent game of pool.“  
  
„I have never seen you do anything decent, sober or not.“  
  
Yuri flicked the next nut against Ivan’s forehead and told him to get fucked.His friend only laughed and rubbed his skin were Yuri had flicked him. „No but really, I find us someone to play against. Let’s gamble.“  
  
„Are you deaf? We’re shit at pool on good days, _especially_ you. What makes you think I’d play for money that I don’t have?“  
  
„You’re forgetting that I’m a genius, Yuratchka.“  
  
„Cleary.“ The blond answered dryly. „It’s like that thought never crossed my mind before.“  
  
„Shut up and listen, I have a plan.“  
  
Yuri should know better, he really should. Ivan’s drunk plans usually ended in chaos and at least one broken nose, but Yuri was drunk too. Feeling reckless at that.  
  
„We play for small amounts, with some brainless idiots. While you shoot, distracting them, I’ll get some bills from their pockets. If we loose the game we’ll give it back, if they loose we’ll get more. Add in some drink’s and the fun of taking someone to the cleaners, come on blondie. Let’s see how many rounds we can manage like that, at the end we take the money and run.“ Ivan explained excitedly in a hushed voice.

It was a plan destined to fail. It was risky and dumb and Yuri thought it was _perfect_. The exact kinda stupid distraction he had craved.  
  
„This will not end well.“ He said looking into the mischievous glinting eyes of his friend.  
  
„God, but imagine if it does. We can make it work if we’re smart about it.“  
  
And Yuri smiled.  
  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
The guys Ivan talked into playing with them were both Truckers in their thirties, only in town for one night.  
There was no way the locals had warned them from the faggot-blond and his criminal friend, despite the barkeeper glancing over every now and then. People around here liked to gossip but most of them wouldn’t snitch without personal reasons.  
  
Yuri didn’t listen as he Truckers introduced themselves, he called them _big nose_ and _snapback_ in his head instead. The one with the cap spend an annoyingly long moment eyeing Yuri’s long legs which had the blond frowning, at least until Ivan brought him another drink over.  
  
Ivan was in his element the second they started playing. He joked and chatted with the Truckers like they they were long lost best bro’s, and shoved his nimble fingers unnoticed in their pockets within the same breath. What a social butterfly.  
  
Yuri focused more on the game, aware that if they lost too many times, the men would notice that the amount of money in their wallets wasn’t increasing.  
As the game progressed, Yuri felt the man with the snapback looking at him more often than not and he wondered if he and his friend had already been here back when Yuri had pretended to be _Yulia_. He didn’t knew if that would make the situation better or worse. Or if it would change anything at all.  
When the man noticed Yuri looking back at him, he grinned and Yuri held his eyes locked with him intensely as he bend forward over the pool-table too shoot, successfully distracting him from Ivan.Yuri downed the rest of his drink, still feeling the strangers eyes on him, making his skin crawl.  
  
„Can I get you another drink?“Yuri hesitated for a moment. „Sure.“  
If the man was surprised by the missing high pitch of his voice, it didn’t show on his face.  
  
„I’ll come with you.“ There was no way Yuri would trust something he was about to drink with a guy like this. Something about that dude made his stomach churn unpleasantly.  
  
„You don’t talk as much as your friend does.“ He man said as they were waiting by the bar for their glasses to be refilled.  
  
„I’m shit at smalltalk.“ Snapback-dude laughed, then smirked.  
  
„And what are you good at?“  
  
„Drinking.“ Yuri lifted his glass before it came even close to the other male. „Cheers.“  
  
After that Yuri only hummed and nodded at the man’s attempts to talk to him before they went back to the others. He shared a cigarette with Ivan when the other guy, the one with the big nose, said loudly:  
  
„Hey, I gotta piss. Short break?“  
  
„Sure, we’ll wait.“ Ivan called back.  
  
„Let’s get rid of them soon, they start to annoy me.“ Yuri mumbled into Ivan’s ear. „They’re sobering me up and that fucking sucks.“  
  
„Alright, okay.“ His friend nodded, then pointed towards Yuri’s glass. „Drink up then, babe.“  
  
So Yuri did, he leaned on his cue like it was a dandy walking cane and threw his head back, chugging the rest of his drink in one go.  
When he lowered his empty glass, he almost chocked on his own spit in surprise. For a second he wondered if someone _did_ put something in his drink, something that made him see things. He briefly closed his eyes and opened again but his increasing heartbeat alone told him that he wasn't hallucinating.  
  
It was indeed Otabek that stood a few steps away from him in this rundown, smelly bar, looking at him with an unreadable expression.  
  
„I’ll be right back.“ Yuri mumbled to no one in particular and put his empty glass on the nearest surface, taking a few steps away from the pool-table and towards Otabek.  
  
He wasn’t sure if anyone had heard or answered him, he only watched with wide eyes as Otabek came over to him in long strides, reaching him first. _What was he doing here?_ Yuri leaned some of his weight back on his cue, needing the support as his legs went wobbly. He sadly wasn’t drunk enough to not still feel a bit embarrassed about what had happened earlier. About a million questions were rushing through his head but none of them stood a chance to be heard clearly within his alcohol-hazed mind.  
  
„Hey.“ Yuri said, still not hundred percent believing whether or not Otabek was really here.  
  
„Hi.“ There was a short awkward pause, then Otabek added: „How are you?“  
  
„Peachy.“ Yuri tried to suppress a small burp, his last drink still burning in his throat.  
  
„You’re drunk.“ It wasn’t a question.  
  
_No, I’m Yuri_. In his mind it sounded very funny, the perfect joke to get rid of the tension between them but he somehow managed to stop himself from the word-vomiting. He had a feeling Otabek wouldn’t laugh about it as much as he would.  
  
„Ah more accusations. Is that why you’re here?“ Straight to the point Plisetsky, very charming as always.  
  
„I came to check on you, I didn’t just want to leave after…after earlier.“ Otabek looked abashed, for some reason that angered Yuri and freed him from his giggly mood.  
  
„How did you even find me?“ Yuri asked defensively as he narrowed his eyes, mostly because Otabek was a bit blurry.  
  
„The Diner is long closed so I went to your house but you weren’t there. When I asked your grandpa where I could find you, he said that you sometimes hang out in pubs or the park. This is the fourth bar I went in.“  
  
„Sightseeing?“ Oh he knew he was an ungrateful brat but the mention of his grandpa didn’t do anything to lift his mood.  
  
„Cut the crap, Yuri. What happened today?“  
  
„Oh you mean the great shit show? Yeah that was something. Doesn’t happen every day that I turn into a living fountain.“ _Oh my god would you stop talking?_  
  
Otabek swallowed. “Yuri-„  
  
Yuri made a dismissive gesture with his free hand.“Don’t worry, I’m alright.“  
  
„No you’re not. You’re drunk, you broke down earlier. That isn’t like you.“  
  
Otabek had the _audacity_ to sound genuine as he said that, like he honestly believed what he was saying. Yuri laughed humourless.The concern on his face as Yuri started laughing was harrowing, it made the blond feel caged. Like he had disappointed his expectations, _again_.  
  
„See, that is where you’re wrong, gorgeous. That sounds _just_ like me. I fuck up, I get shit-faced and then I start anew. A living, breathing train-wreck. You’re usually just not here to witness it. No big deal.“ Yuri shrugged as if there wasn’t a emotional hurricane growing in his chest.  
  
The concern on Otabek’s face wasn’t fading. „It is a big deal. Come on Yura, let’s get out of here and talk to me. Let me know what I can do.“  
  
„You?“ Yuri’s heart hammered against his ribs. „Why would you do anything about my mess?“  
  
„Because I care.“  
  
„It’s my mess, okay?“ _And you should run, Beka, before I drag you down with me and trap you here too_. „It’s none of your business.“  
  
„It is! If it messes with you like this, then it is part of my business.“ Otabek’s voice was strong, passionate.  
  
And Yuri’s eyes started burning again. „The hell it is!“ His voice wasn’t as strong.  
  
„Talk to me,Yura.“ Otabek took a step closer and when Yuri didn’t answered, continued speaking like he wanted to convince the blond: „You can talk to me, you can trust me. I have no idea what happened to you that you think that you have to carry every burden alone but I won’t let you down. Just let me in.“  
  
_Just let me in, just let me in, just let me in._ Yuri’s head was swimming.  
Anger seething under his skin and his chest still freshly cracked open. He was afraid of an infection.  
  
„I’ve let you in my pants.“ Yuri laughed shakily, starting to feel nauseous at the burning intensity of Otabek’s eyes. „Isn’t that enough?“  
  
Disappointment and hurt, that was what the burning was made of. Disbelief, that Yuri would even have to ask such a question, in those dark eyes. „It’s always been more than that, you’re just too scared to admit it.“  
  
He needed a moment to make sure that he had heard right, then …„Who the fucking hell do you think you are?“ Yuri spat through gritted teeth, seeing red.  
  
Otabek seemed unfazed by his temper. „I’m the one that got under your skin. And since you can’t fight it, you fight with me instead.“  
  
Yuri gaped at him. Shaking with fear and anger, feeling trapped. _Admit it! Just admit it._  
  
„Now come with me, _please_. I’ll take you home, we need to talk.“  
  
„You don’t get to make demands, Altin.“ Yuri’s heartbeat was rushing through his ears. He could no longer tell whether he sounded like a raging tiger, like he had intended to or more like a scarred kitten that just pretended to be one. „I let you put your cock down my throat , not a ring on my finger. Don’t tell me what to do.“  
  
Otabek clenched his jaw, looking about ready to loose his temper as well when his eyes left Yuri’s, focusing somewhere behind him instead. Before he could ask, he heard that they were no longer alone.  
  
„Sound’s good. Do you think you could do me the same favor, goldilocks?“  
  
Multiple things seemed to happen at once then.  
  
Yuri realized that the man stood behind him, the one that had spoken, was the Trucker with the snapback that had eyed him a little to much for his liking all night.  
Yuri turned his head, shorty noticing the sneer of the man before his eyes traveled over to the pool-table behind him. On which Ivan just got pushed down on, being held down between his shoulder-blades by the strong arms of the other Trucker. His friend hissed and struggled to get free, threatening to break the man’s every bone. There were crumpled bills on the table next to his face.  
  
Almost unconsciously Yuri went to move but got held back by two arms circling around him, he whipped his head around to tell Otabek off, only to look into his confused face still one arms length away from him.  
He felt nauseous as a clammy hand splayed over his chest, the other wandering over his hip.  
  
„Did you and your friend took us for fools? That was not the kinda game we agreed playing to. So I guess you, my dear, have to find another way to pay us back.“  
  
The _fuck off_ got stuck in Yuri’s throat as the man very suddenly and violently went to push his hand into the front of Yuri’s shorts, digging the heel of his hand painfully into Yuri’s stomach to squeeze past the tight clothing. The Russians struggled to breath through the pain for a moment before realising that he was being groped.  
  
„My, my. The little slut is a lad indeed. Oh that’s just as well. Mama always makes me feel guilty when I hit a girl but I’ll sleep like a baby after I’m done with you.“  
  
Despite being drunk, Yuri reacted faster than Otabek could even catch on. Altogether, this wasn’t the first time that the blond got felt up against his will.Yuri let his chin fall down until it met his chest, only to throw his head back a second later with as much force as he could muster, letting the back of his skull crash against his offenders forehead.  
  
The man stumbled back, letting go of Yuri which whirled around, feeling dizzy from the hit as well. As soon as his vision cleared again, he felt a fist connect with his cheekbone.  
There was a sharp pain in his neck as his head flew to the side. The shock of being hit was always the same, fist disbelief than tingling numbness that was quickly replaced by throbbing pain.  
Through the rushing in his ears, Yuri heard someone yell. He was kneeling on the dirty floor despite not remembering loosing his balance. He looked up in time to see Otabek knocking his fist right into the Trucker’s face, causing the man to fall backwards over a table.  
There was the shattering of glass, people looking their way without stepping in.  
  
Yuri was back on his feet when Otabek turned to look at him, his dark eyes wide and a messy strand of hair on his forehead. „Yura. Let’s go. _Now_! “  
  
But Yuri’s eyes had already searched the room for someone else. By now Ivan had managed to get up from the pool-table again but that other Trucker was still giving him trouble. The man’s nose, which was big and ugly to begin with, was bleeding but Yuri could tell that Ivan was at a disadvantage. The other guy was bigger, older and heavier.  
  
Without second thought, Yuri ran over, ignoring Otabek yelling at him as he did so. His boots were slipping over the sticky floor as he watched how the man gripped Ivan by the front of his jacket, ready to crash his head against the nearest surface. Using his hands to lift up his weight, Yuri pushed himself up on the pool-table before he ran across it and leaped forcefully down from it again, landing on the Truckers back with a hiss.  
Taken by surprise, the man lost his hold on Ivan and groaned in pain as his knees hit the ground. Yuri dug his nails into his meaty neck as the three of them tumbled to the ground, hoping to leave deep scratches.Yuri lost his balance too as the man beneath him struggled to get free, and a second later he was on his own back, banging his head against the ground.  
  
As he tried to sit back up, another punch hit him on the jaw and Yuri tasted blood, his head painfully colliding with the floor again. Messy strands of hair sticking to his sweaty temples.  
His head was spinning as he once again struggled for his vision to clear, somewhat aware that Ivan and the Trucker were still fighting for dominance somewhere behind him. There was swearing and groaning to be heard, the cheers from bystanders.  
  
Where was Otabek? Yuri rose to stand on wobbly legs, relief flooding through him when he spotted him. A few tables away he kicked the guy that had lost his snapback in the ribs as the Tucker laid on the floor, scrunching up his face.  
Otabek himself looked a little ruffled but mostly uninjured.  
  
Turning his head back towards Ivan unfortunately didn't bring any kind of relief, but panic. Despite the Trucker bleeding from his nose strongly, taunting his face in red, wet anger, he had managed to push Ivan back down against the pool-table, choking him with his hands wound tightly around his neck.Yuri felt sick as his friend struggled to loosen the grip, unable to breath properly.

Now Yuri got really scarred, the Trucker was strong as a bear and both of the teenage boys couldn’t take him down, not even together. The man looked so angry that he wasn’t sure that he would come back to his senses before it was too late.  
Otabek was forgotten again as Yuri rushed over, desperately trying to figure out how to save his friend from choking.  
He realised that he would need to knock the guy out and quickly that was.  
  
Knowing that there was no way that he could throw a punch hard enough, he did the only other thing that came so quickly to his mind. Lifting his leg up like he would in dance-practice, he turned his upper-body to the side like he was preparing for a spin, brining his arms up for balance as well. Then with as much force force as he could manage, he kicked his leg out and spun around, the heel of his boot hitting the Trucker right against the temple.  
  
The man stumbled and fell, Ivan grasping for air as Yuri went to help him up.  
  
„Ain’t no one got my back like you do, Plisetsky.“ Ivan croaked and stuffed some of the crumpled money back into his pockets.  
  
„You’re gonna get us killed one day.“ Yuri hissed, despite being at least half as guilty as his friend. „We should get out of here before he comes back to his senses.“  
  
When Yuri turned around Otabek stood behind him with some red blotches on his face like he took a hit or two too but there was no blood. _Thank god_. He was panting and there was a rip in his shirt but him and Ivan surely looked worse.  
  
Without thinking, Yuri carefully took Otabek’s face in his hands, making sure that he was really alright. „Are you okay?“ He asked, gently pushing Beka’s messy hair from his forehead.  
  
Otabek quickly nodded. „Yeah but you’re right, let’s get out.“  
  
Yuri went to walk ahead, the other two boys behind him when suddenly the Trucker Otabek had taken care of stepped in their way.  
He looked like shit. With a busted lip, face blotchy and swollen.  
  
„Oh you’re going nowhere, goldilocks. I’m not done with you yet, slut.“  
  
Yuri didn’t wait for the man to attack, instead he slid over to the pool-table and reached for one of the abandoned cues laying atop. He gripped the long stick like a baseball-bat and swung it like one too as he raced forward. Smashing the man’s face in, he saw how his head flew back and blood sprayed from his nose, painting the front of his shirt in red wetness.  
Yuri heard Ivan cheer behind him, feeling everyones eyes in the pub on him. Whether because they were impressed or horrified by him he couldn’t tell.  
Part of him would love to beat that little scumbag to mush with his cue, part of him was a bit freaked out by the violent scene he just caused.So when Otabek grabbed him by the arm and mumbled something into his ear that he couldn’t understand, he dropped the cue and allowed him to lead him out of the bar, into some fresh air.

 **xxx**  
  
Otabek had parked his bike a few streets down and it took Ivan the entire way there to calm down and stop cheering and laughing about how _badass_ Yuri had been.Otabek stayed quiet the entire time, face unreadable and Yuri simply told Ivan to shut up and go home.  
  
„But we should get another drink. Celebrate.“ He complained.  
  
„We had enough believe me, the second the adrenaline goes down we’ll be half way to alcohol poisoning.“ Yuri muttered, hoping that Otabek wasn’t listening.  
  
„Hey bro, thanks by the way for your help in there. I have no idea when you showed up but Yuri and I would have been fucked without you.“  
  
Otabek only nodded and Yuri could finally convince Ivan to go home, saying that he should pick up the car tomorrow. If he was sober again by then.  
  
When they were alone, Otabek finally looked at Yuri. „Are you okay? You hit your head pretty bad earlier.“

 _Which time?_ „I’m alright. I’m surprised you saw that.“  
  
„I didn’t let you out of sight.“  
  
„I’m sorry about the fight, Beka. That’s the exact kinda mess that I didn’t want to drag you in.“  
  
Yuri’s head hurt, well on second thought, Yuri’s everything hurt.  
  
„I don’t want you to get into trouble like that, Yura.“  
  
„I _am_ trouble like that, Beka. I don’t know anything else.“  
  
Otabek’s eyebrows furrowed and he looked pained. „God, when that guy hit you across the face, I swear my heart stopped beating.“  
He reached out as if to touch Yuri’s cheek but then stopped to swipe his thumb over his lips instead. There was blood on his fingertips when he withdrew.  
  
Yuri must’ve been quite the view. Bloody, busted lip. A black-eye in the making. His hair a wild mess and the makeup around his red-rimmed eyes smudged.

„I payed him back.“ Yuri said as if that was making things better. „I’m not helpless.“  
  
„I know you’re not. Was that a roundhouse-kick?“  
  
„Hardly.“ Yuri huffed. „That was a ballerina in distress.“  
  
Otabek chuckled. „I wanted to be so mad at you. For being such a brat, for walking into a pub full of losers dressed like _that_ and getting into fights with bulky bastards. For being so reckless and getting drunk…Yuri what were you thinking?“  
  
His voice did turn a bit angry at the end.He couldn’t give him a proper answer. Fact was that he hadn’t thought, that he had craved this exact kinda chaos. It wasn’t panned that Otabek would get dragged into it as well.  
  
„Can you just get me home please?“  
  
„So this is another thing were not talking about then, is it?“„  
  
It’s all the same thing and it’s not worth your troubles, Beka.“ _I’m not worth the trouble._  
  
**xxx**  
  
  
Yuri had been right, as soon as the adrenaline wore off, he had to deal with how much alcohol he’d consumed. He was drunk, very drunk.  
  
Otabek had to sit behind him on the bike, caging him with his arms so Yuri wouldn’t slip off the seat. It was hardly practical but Otabek still didn’t drove fast, not wanting Yuri to get motion-sickness and start puking but also because he wore no helmet, for the same reason again.  
  
It was almost 3 a.m when they reached Nikolai’s house and Otabek didn’t want to think about the fact that he had to go work in a few hours, probably without getting any sleep.  
  
„Yura, come on. You’re home.“ The blond had his eyes closed as if he was asleep, slumping against Otabek’s chest.„  
  
You’re too good for me, Beka.“ He mumbled into his leather jacket without opening his eyes.  
  
„What?“  
  
„I’m horrible and fucked-up and you’re like price charming from Kazakhstan.“ Yuri was slurring, making it hard to be understood.  
  
„I’m no prince. Now let’s get you inside.“ He carefully pulled Yuri up and into his arms, carrying the boy.  
  
„Yes you are, you should leave me.“  
  
Otabek almost stumbled on the loose gravel, staring down at Yuri’s sleepy face.„Do you want me to leave you?“  
  
Yuri probably wouldn’t remember a second from his conversation tomorrow but his answer was very important to Otabek. It was the hardest thing to get any kind of insight on Yuri’s feelings and drunks usually told the truth.  
  
„It would be the best thing for Beka but fuck, my heart would shatter.“  
  
Otabek pressed the blonde closer to his chest then and buried his face in his hair, squeezing his eyes shut. „I’m not leaving you. I couldn’t.“ He wasn’t sure if his words were heard but true they were.

**xxx**

It was a struggle to get Yuri inside quietly.  
  
„Yura. Yuri, wake up. Where are your keys?“ Otabek mumbled into his ear, pushing blond hair that smelled like vodka and cold smoke from his face.  
  
„…my jeans.“  
  
It was even harder to push his large hands into Yuri’s tiny pockets, all with out dropping the boy.  
  
„Your pockets are empty.“  
  
„Yeah because they’re in my jeans.“ He spoke quietly and slurred a lot, texting Otabek’s patience.  
  
„Your jeans?“ He furrowed his eyebrows, wondering if the tiny piece Yuri wore even counted as clothing.  
  
  
„In Ivan’s car.“ _Great._  
  
„So how are we gonna get you inside? Yura? Come on, stay awake.“  
  
„The dwarf.“ He slurred sleepily.  
  
„ _What?_ “ Was he taking the piss? „Come on, baby. You gotta help me out.“  
  
Yuri grinned at the pet name. „There’s a spare key inside the dwarf.“  
  
„Of cause it is.“ Otabek huffed and went to set Yuri down on the grass to search that damn thing.  
  
„No.“ Yuri whined and clung to his jacket, only further proving how drunk he was.  
  
„Stay here, kitten. I’ll be right back.“ Otabek whispered before prying Yuri’s hands off him. He used the flashlight of his phone to see better, searching for the midget in the tall, crispy grass.  
He disturbed some bugs as he found it and with key’s in hand, went back to Yuri who had curled up like a cat, sleeping soundly on the ground. Otabek couldn’t help but smile when he picked him up again, walking towards the frontdoor.  
  
„Beka?“  
  
„Yeah I found the key. Anything else? Do I have to kiss a frog? Slay you a dragon, little fairy?“ He pressed a kiss against Yuri’s ear.Yuri giggled.  
  
„You’ll have to face my grandpa.“  
  
„Only if you don’t stay quiet.“  
  
„Too late.“  
  
At that Otabek looked up, right into the tired eyes of Nikolai Plisetsky who stood in the open doorway and looked equal parts angry and relieved to see them at this time of the night.  
  
„Good eve-, good morn-, Hello Sir.“ Otabek settled for, the now useless key hanging form his finger.  
  
The elder man mumbled something under his breath and added: „Get inside.“  
  
Otabek had never been to Yuri’s room before but he followed after Nikolai and eyed the boy in his arms, who had gone suspiciously quiet.  
He hadn’t fallen back asleep but seemed tense.  
  
Carefully Otabek sat him down on his bed and then stepped back, trying to not stumble over various things littering the floor, unsure what to do.  
  
„You wanna explain yourself?“ Nikolai asked.  
  
Otabek opened his mouth. „Not you, I’m talking to the little rascal.“  
  
„No, I don’t.“ Yuri pouted like a child and crossed his arms.  
  
„What happened to your face?“  
  
„Was born with it.“ Yuri slurred, glaring at his grandfather.  
  
„Watch what you’re saying, boy! Now talk.“  
  
„I don’t have to tell you anything.“  
  
„What makes you think that-„  
  
„I stumbled upon grandma’s pearls earlier.“ He interrupted the old man, a bitter expression on his face, his eyes wet.  
  
Nikolai got quiet for a moment and Otabek felt completely out of the loop, wondering if that had something to do with Yuri’s destructive behaviour and knowing that it was not really his place to ask.  
  
„So you took it for your personal invitation to get into trouble, da? To get this drunk? Otabek had to carry you!“ Nikolai’s voice was shaking, with anger and something else Otabek couldn’t place.  
  
„I got it from my mama.“ Yuri snapped back, silent tears rolling down his cheeks.  
  
„I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. You made your bed now lie in it. We’ll talk when you’re sober again.“ With that the elder man turned around, remembering that Otabek was still there.  
  
„Did you drink too?“  
  
„No Sir, I would never drink and drive. I just wanted to make sure he got home safely.“  
  
„Thank you then. At least one who uses his brain.“ With that he walked out of the room and disappeared down the hallway.  
  
Meanwhile Yuri tired to swallow down any more tears that threatened to fall. God what a mess! He’d probably be the death of his grandfather before his sick heart got a chance.

And Otabek…he shouldn’t have to deal with all of this drama. Who knew what kinda bullshit Yuri had carelessly slipped tonight, giving him an insight on how damaged and doomed he really was.  
  
Yuri looked up when he bed beside him dipped, seeing Otabek smiling his little smile at him.  
He took Yuri’s face in his hands, wiping his tears and smudged makeup away with his thumbs, his heart breaking a little that his beautiful boy was so, so sad.  
  
„I’m sorry.“ Yuri whispered, not knowing what else to say. He was so tired, he could sleep forever.  
  
Otabek only shook his head and leaned forward, pressing a soft kiss against Yuri’s cracked lips. He knew that there were things he didn’t knew, things Yuri felt like he had to hide from him but like he had said earlier, he simply couldn’t leave.  
  
„You shouldn’t have to deal with this. I’m nothing but trouble, Beka.“  
  
Otabek pulled the blond closer, allowing him to hide in the soft folds of his leather jacket. „You’re so much more, Yura. One day when you’re sober again, I’ll tell you. You’re a handful but I don’t mind, that’s why I got two after all.“

**xxx**

 

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think of that fight scene, it gave me some trouble and I wanna know if it was worth it or not :D
> 
> The beautiful fanart you saw at the end, was made especially for me and this story by the absolute talented [artist here so please give them some love and check out their other stunning art](https://iamatrashfan.tumblr.com/) Once again, thank you so much for drawing this. I'm endlessly in love <3 
> 
> As always, please leave a comment and give me some insight on your thoughts :) Thanks <3


	12. twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I'm sorry that this took so long but I didn't really had time to write for the last 2-3 weeks (which was annoying as hell) and this chapter also gave me some trouble. I'm still not sure if I'm happy with it but whatever, I hope you will enjoy it :) 
> 
> I wrote something in the notes at the end too that is important to me, I'd appreciate it if you would read it

Waking up the next morning was absolute hell, the pain of his several injuries hitting him before he even opened his eyes. His head was throbbing, both from being hit against the ground and his hangover that only seemed to get worse with every shaking breath Yuri took, blinking against the bright sunlight filtering into his room with burning eyes.   
Then the memories came back: his horrible discovery and realisation that his grandfather had lied to him, Otabek’s confrontation at the Diner and him breaking down, him stressing over an uncertain future, then the bar fight and more tense words between him and Beka and finally, him being a drunk, sobbing mess and worrying his sick grandpa. God he had said awful things, both to Nikolai and Otabek.  
  
Nausea swapped over him like a tidal wave as he remembered and Yuri jumped out of his bed, racing towards the bathroom where he emptied his stomach into the toilet bowl, fresh tears leaking from his eyes at the pain as he gasped for air. He flushed when it was over, sitting on the cold tiles for a while longer, focusing on his breathing.   
Otabek had left late in the morning hours, probably after Yuri finally fell asleep. He had been very kind and caring, no sign of anger left but Yuri still wasn’t sure were they stood now. If Otabek by any miracles wasn’t put off by Yuri breaking down twice, sobbing like a baby or smashing someone’s face into bloody mush, then he surely would by the things Yuri had said to him, right?  
If only Yuri could remember what he had said! He had a vague idea of their fight before fights flew and also about soothing words from Otabek in his bedroom but the rest was a bit blurry. Hopefully he hadn’t embarrassed himself by giving too much of his feelings away or insulted Otabek further without knowing. But even if Otabek could overlook everything that happened yesterday like the saint that he was, Yuri still knew that Otabek wasn’t content about Yuri keeping things from him, about the vague nature of their relationship. _Just let me in._  
  
Yuri shook his head and promptly regretted it as another wave of dizziness made his stomach churn. He couldn’t think about Otabek right now, it only made his heart and head hurt more and he had more important issues he needed to focus on. Like fixing things with his grandpa.   
His bratty behaviour had surely reminded him of Yuri’s mother in all the wrong ways.   
And he needed to figure out how to pay for his new medication but in order to do that, he couldn’t afford to miss work. On shaky legs, Yuri dragged himself towards the shower. Washing dried blood off his face, cold smoke out his hair and stale vodka from his mouth.   
  
One look in the mirror told him that he looked just as bad as he felt. His cheekbone and the skin around his eye were already turning into angry reds and purples and Yuri knew that the bruise would only get worse in a few hours before it would hopefully start to fade in a few days.His eyes were puffy and red-rimmed with bags beneath them, his lip was swollen and cracked. Another, lighter bruise started forming on the side of his jaw.   
  
He looked exhausted and pale, teary-eyed and anxious.  
  
While dressing himself he realized that his knuckles were red and irritated as well and his legs had more bruises and scratches then yesterday, even if Yuri couldn’t exactly point out when he got the smaller injuries. But then again, he couldn’t expect to walk out from a bar fight looking as fresh as a daisy. With a resigned sigh, Yuri put on some long jeans and did his best to hide the worst of his large bruise with some concealer. The result was sobering.  
He would have to kiss any tips goodbye, Yuri admitted to himself bitterly, this wasn’t how pretty boys looked at all. But he got himself into this mess and now he had to deal with it.   
He took a few painkillers and forced himself to drink as much water as he could without fearing that it would come straight back up, before gathering his stuff. One look at his phone told him that he had no new messages.Yuri quickly send one to Ivan, asking if he was still alive and telling him to drop his things off as soon as he got back to the car, he needed his keys. Then he braced himself to leave his bedroom, knowing that he had to face his grandfather sooner or later.

Nikolai sat at the table reading the newspapers when Yuri walked into the kitchen, he poured himself another glass of water hoping that it would soothe his burning throat and get rid of the dryness of his mouth.  
  
„Look who’s able to walk in a straight line again, if I wasn’t so disappointed I’d be impressed.“  
  
„Morning grandpa.“ Yuri mumbled into his glass, ignoring the comment.   
  
„I heard you befriending the toilet bowl earlier, I hope you cleaned up after yourself because I surely won’t.“  
  
„I know.“  
  
„So you’re collecting shiners now?“   
  
„They match my eye colour. Especially once they turn green.“   
  
„Don’t get cheeky with me, boy. I’m still waiting for an explanation.“   
  
„So do I.“ Yuri said, crossing his arms over his churning stomach.   
  
„You had no right to go through my stuff.“  
  
„And you had no right to keep this from me! You lied to me grandpa.“ Yuri’s voice was shaking. _Damn_ his head hurt!  
  
„It’s not your burden to bear.“  
  
„Stubborn old man! Of cause it is. Don’t you realise that you’re the only family I have left? That I’ll turn into an orphan if something happens to you? An underage one at that!“ The consequences of what Yuri had implied hung heavily in the air between them as Yuri swallowed hard to prevent new tears from falling.   
  
„Yuratchka,“ Nikolai said, voice softer now „nothing will happen to me.“   
  
„You’re damn right, old man because I’ll get you those damn pills and you will take them. I’ll drive you to your doctor and I’ll pay your medical bills and you better never lie to me again.“   
  
„Yuratchka, that’s not-„   
  
„Save your discussion for later, grandpa. I’m late for work. You can sulk all you want but I’m not changing my mind. It’s my turn to take care of you.“   
  
Nikolai did his best to keep frowning but the emotional look in his eyes betrayed him. Yuri stepped forward and kissed him on the cheek before he had to leave for work.  
  
„I’m sorry about yesterday, _dedushka_. I shouldn’t have said what I did. I didn’t want to worry you.“  
  
„You shouldn’t have drunk that much instead. You stink like a dead animal.“

**xxx**

Last year, Yuri dreaded summer coming to an end. This year he couldn’t wait for it to be over.  
  
The heat was far less bearable if he wasn’t laying lazily in the sun, sneaking ice-pops from the freezer or getting undressed by tanned hands until he was sweating for a different reason.   
In short, Yuri felt betrayed and bitter like his summer had been taken away from him. He worked all day long, sweat running down his shoulder blades and curling the short hairs at the base of his neck. When he got home he dragged himself wearily in the shower before collapsing on his bed, falling asleep within seconds.   
He drove his grandpa to his doctor appointments and payed for his first dose of medication but the stress didn’t lessen, he was worried about how he would pay the bills that were still open and the next dose that would be needed sooner or later. Dance practice and shopping sprees were completely off the table. It had been weeks since Yuri had last been out for the night. He barely got to see Ivan or the girls, feeling either too exhausted or moody to be hanging out with him.  
  
And Yuri was very moody these days. Stressed and tensed, anxious and worried. He snapped at the smallest inconvenience, hissed at everyone that dared to come too close to him. There were days were he just couldn’t bring himself to smile and cheer for the guests and it showed in the lacking of his tips, which angered him anew. He felt frustrated with himself, unhappy with his situation altogether.   
The only thing that would have cheered him up, was Otabek. But Yuri was working so much that he didn’t had any time left to see him. The Diner was overflowing with guests in the Summer and with Yuri taking more shifts than last year, he barely had any breaks. So he told Otabek to not visit him, even if it pained him. It would have been selfish and unfair to order Otabek all the way down here, wasting his time and money, if Yuri couldn’t even spare some time to talk to him.   
Otabek understood, of cause he did and Yuri only felt worse. He feared that whatever they had together would slip from his fingers the longer they were apart. That Otabek would realize that it wasn’t worth the trouble after all and forget about him. There were times when Yuri wanted Otabek to get tired of him, only so he could save the man from himself. And there were days were breathing became hard at the thought of never being with him again. He missed him so much.

They texted but it wasn’t nearly enough, especially with Yuri being so busy and Otabek being a shitty at replying to begin with. Things were alright between them, or at least as good as they could get without seeing each other. There were no harsh words or silent treatments only smalltalk, which was almost more frustrating.They both knew that there were things left unsaid between them, conflicts that were still open. Yuri knew that Otabek remembered what he had said on the day of the bar fight and he remembered that Otabek wasn’t content with how things were developing between them.   
Yuri’s new busy schedule was like a temporary truce between them but beneath the surface, emotions were still threatening to spill over like hot lava from a volcano. It only added to Yuri’s stress, really.  
So despite the heartache, Yuri tried his best not to think about Otabek or all the other things that used to bring him happiness and he missed now. He needed to focus on his grandpa and their money issues.  
  
One night after work, Yuri sat down on his bedroom floor with his back leaning against the bed frame. There was a cigarette dangling from his lips and papers scattered all around him.  
Yuri smoked more these days that he once used to, the only luxury he allowed himself. Even if it meant swiping one or two other things when he went grocery shopping so he had enough money left for a pack. The papers in front of him were bills, stacks of recent tips and sheets of paper Yuri had scribbled on with pencil. He counted the money, divided the stacks, counted again and wrote something down. He wrote a new grocery list and checked when the next electricity bill was due, than he crossed something out again and flicked his finished cigarette out the open window.   
  
He redid the stacks over and over again, searching for solutions and racked his brain for ideas, rewrote the grocery list. Another cigarette was lit, smoke filling his bedroom. Grandpa would kill him if he caught him smoking inside the house but his head hurt too much to care. God he was so tired.   
  
Yuri counted the money once more, taking away what was needed for the bills and Nikolai’s next medication dose.„It’s not enough.“ Yuri mumbled to himself. „Hell, it’s already not enough.“   
  
He stood up and went over the open window to finish his cigarette, staring into the night with burning eyes. Despite the fatigue clinging to his bones, he was highly concentrated, urging his mind to come up with a solution. The thoughts were racing through his head, one deemed useless after another. He needed to make more money and he needed to do so fast, preferably in a way that did not require him to carry a gun, deal drugs or promise him any other kind of future as a jailbird. Yuri was no angel, he broke the law before, he bended it whenever he needed to but it was something else to fully submit yourself to the delinquency. Once in, you barely got out again and Yuri had seen too many lives being ruined like this to not see it as the very last alternative for his problems.

For a moment Yuri tried to imagine himself making a living by turning into a criminal like so many young people in this neighbourhood did.  
He was sneaky and small, he would probably make a good dealer. Despite being thin and dainty-looking, he was still a good fighter so he could defend himself in case he got into trouble as well.   
No, he _would_ get in trouble. Pretty and blond as he was, unable to keep his big mouth shut. People would take one look at him and his femininity and decide that there was only one job on the streets he was suitable for. And as angry as it made Yuri for their prejudices, he could see why.  
How many times had he gotten looks despite clearly being underage? How often had he been touched without permission as if there was nothing wrong with it? How many times had he gotten catcalled, whistled at while walking by or been told to just bend over because that was the only thing he was good for in their eyes?

All these things happened anyway, the only difference would be that Yuri could make a living out of it like other’s had decided to. He saw them standing on dodgy street corners, bare legs shaking in those short skirts while the Russian winter wove ice crystals into their hair and onto the fake fur on their small coats.  
Young, healthy and good looking like Yuri was, he surely could steal a lot of their customers, making fast money this way. But the mere thought, in the security of his bedroom, made his stomach churn with nausea. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to do that.  
Yuri certainly was no stranger to making profit from the way he looked but selling his body would go way beyond what he was willing to handle.

His train of thoughts, as frightening as they were, awoke a memory of his now that had been drowned in sugary cocktails since his birthday.   
  
_„The people are enjoying watching you dance.“_  
  
 _„So?“_  
  
 _„You could make money with that.“_  
  
 _„I’m not a fucking stripper.“_  
  
 _„Neither are they. They are GoGo’s.“_  
  
 _„GoGo’s?“_  
  
 _„They dance to keep the mood up, to get the people going. No one is allowed to touch them and they keep their cloths on. I’d like to offer you a job. I’m the manager here.“_

_„I don’t know if that’s for me.“_  
  
 _„I think it is. You’re fascinating the people with the way you look and move. Think about it. You’re a good dancer and it’s easy money.“_   
  
Yuri lowered his cigarette. _It’s easy money._ The memory echoed through his head. _No one is allowed to touch_. The cigarette flew out the window and Yuri crossed the room in a few long strides. He ripped the drawers of his bedside table open, rummaging for something the could vaguely remember throwing in here months ago.

He dialled the number on the card the moment he found it.

**xxx**

Summer was coming to an end but it was still unbearably hot in the club. It always was. Hundreds of dancing sweating bodies, the lack of windows to ensure a dim atmosphere and a air-conditioning that could impossible filter through the entire club made sure of that.  
Still it was one of the nicer venues Otabek had been too. The bouncers were strict with who they let in but not unnecessarily violent and they did a good job at keeping trouble away from the dance floor.   
One could tell that the owners were trying to get this club, which was fairly new, to become the next big thing in the scene and a hotspot to this town. The toilets were as clean as they could be in a club with his many guests, the bartenders quick and attentive despite the ever thirsty crowd and the GoGo’s pretty and entertaining, making one believe that they danced here for fun and not for money.  
  
And of cause, the music was exquisite. Otabek grinned as he unpacked his laptop, getting ready for his gig. He stood on a slightly raised stage-like balcony which was accessible over two stairs on each side, both guarded and for staff only. The only people that got up here were Dj’s, bartenders to ask the Dj’s if they wanted to drink something and the GoGo’s that used this floor to get into their dance-cages that hung above the crowd, just far enough up that the guests could reach but not get to them. Other staff like managers rarely got to his part of the club, they had their offices and private rooms in the back of the venue along with changing rooms for the dancers near the back entrance.   
  
Otabek watched over the crowd beneath him, dancing bodies moving between pink, blue and golden lights to the music that came from boxes the size of doors. The bass was so strong it had the floor vibrating and Otabek’s heart jumping with each beat.   
A bartender tipped him on the shoulder, getting his attention. He had to lean down to her to understand what she was saying, smelling her sugary perfume and getting a good look of her boobs that threatened to jump from her top. Otabek wasn’t judging, he knew that she would make more tips this way, just like Yuri did when he wore small shorts. _Damn Yuri_ …he was the reason Otabek had no interest in the pretty girl nor her perfect cleavage as he asked her if she could just get him a large bottle of water.   
  
It was better not to drink any alcohol if he wanted to stay focused on his set, this was work after all, not partying. He could already feel the sweat running down his back, gluing his black muscle shirt to the skin there.  
And if he got drunk, he feared that he would do something stupid like calling Yuri and whining how much he missed him because fuck, he really did. They hadn’t seen each other in weeks and the few texts they exchanged weren’t a good substitute for what he really longed for. Yuri in his arms, his hair between his fingers and their lips pressed together until they ran out of breath.  
Otabek feared that he had been too demanding, too pushy and scarred Yuri off. He had wanted him to open up but what if he had caused Yuri to withdraw even more? The blond said that he was busy working this summer, that he needed to save up more money and while Otabek understood that, he worried that there was more to it that Yuri didn’t let him know. If Otabek only knew what was going on inside his head, maybe then he would have a chance to find a way into his heart as well.  
  
He soon realized that thinking about Yuri distracted him at least as much as drinking, so he tried to stop himself from doing so as he prepared the transition from the music currently playing into his first song which would be the start of his set. He watched with eagle eyes how the mood on the dance floor shifted as the people realized that the music was about to change, how the tension grew with every new beat Otabek laced into the fading melodies of the last song. The transition was seamless, the beat became faster and the people moved with it, dancing with more energy and welcoming Otabek and his music with cheers and grins once they realized that a proper Dj took over.  
And Otabek let himself sink into the music as well, allowing the beat to take over and letting the bass control the pace of his pulse.

**xxx**

Every gig came with a natural feeling of anxiety and excitement that lasted well into the first few minutes of his set until Otabek got used to his surroundings and the vibe of the crowd. When everything went smoothly, there weren’t any technical difficulties and the people on the dance floor responded to his music in a eager and happy way, that was when the anxiety would fade and the tension would leave Otabek’s shoulders, making space for the calm joy that overtook his body whenever he played his music.  
Tonight was no different and Otabek allowed himself no moment of distraction until he was sure that everything went as planned. Only then he took a moment to himself to slip his headphones down around his neck and drink long gulps from his water bottle, letting his eyes wander without searching for anything in particular.   
  
Otabek wasn’t the biggest social butterfly, was more often quiet than chattering which was why it had been surprising to his friends and family when he took an interest in Dj-ing. He had always been musical but no one had thought that clubbing and big crowds would be his thing, and no, as a mere visitor it probably wouldn’t have attracted him but up here, he wasn’t part of the crowd. He was in control, the force that set the mood for the night with the power to change the atmosphere with one click, with one different song.He liked to watch the dancing crowd, liked to imagine how his music might affected them and their doings for the remainder of the night. Wondered if he brought a couple closer, helped two strangers find their way towards each other or turned someones bad mood around. Being observant like this could be fascinating and he liked to find the perfect soundtrack to the happenings around him.  
  
He screwed the cap back onto the bottle and leaned forward to put it back down behind the Dj-booth when something else caught his attention. For a second and out of the corner of his eye, he saw how a turning spotlight briefly illuminated a flash of golden, flying hair before moving back around to shine it’s light upon another part of the venue.   
That one glimpse of gold was enough for Otabek to jerk his head up like it had an magnetic pull towards him. He couldn’t tell whether it was a habit by now to stare at every blonde crossing his way or wishful thinking for them to turn into the one person Otabek really wanted to see but it wasn’t the first time this had happened in the last few weeks.   
  
Still, he couldn’t stop his eyes from searching until they settled on the source of gold. The blond mane belonged to one of the GoGo’s, dancing in a cage not too far away from Otabek with her back facing him. To get in her cage, she must’ve walked across this floor, maybe even past his booth but if so, he hadn’t noticed before.   
Otabek found himself watching her dance. She was good. No, she was _very_ good. He furrowed his eyebrows. She moved her hips in a way that had the crowd beneath her cheering and whistling. She reached up to grab her own hair, before shaking it out while trowing her head from side to side, sending the golden veil flying. In the multicoloured lights, the tips of it dipped into purple and pink, turned blue and silver.  
Otabek narrowed his eyes. Where had he seen that before? The way she danced seemed oddly familiar.  
  
Otabek didn’t knew why his heartbeat suddenly picked up but it had him inspecting the dancer with sharper eyes. Apart from the professional way she moved, she didn’t seem much different from the other GoGo’s at first glance. Her hair was a bit shorter but for that she had longer legs. She was skinny but her hips were less round. Just like the other girls, she was dressed in tight cloths. Ripped black skinny jeans with slits dangerously close to her ass, a cropped shirt that left her back exposed with dainty gold chains hanging from her frame and shiny heeled boots with …leopard print on the shaft.  
Even to Otabek, that seemed like an awful lot of coincidences.  
  
He realized his earlier mistake the same second the dancer spun around again and this time Otabek could clearly see what his increasing heartbeat had tried telling him all along. _Yuri_. All everlasting beauty, unfadingly desirable and found guilty for ruining Otabek’s sanity.   
The parts of Yuri’s skin that were exposed were glistening in a slight sheen of sweat, his large eyes framed by golden glitter. The bruises that he had last seen him with long faded on his pretty face. Otabek’s heart continued to race, he had missed him so much.  
  
Yuri didn’t look his way before turning back around and raising his arms, rolling his body to the beat. What was he doing here? The outfit similar to the other dancers and the cage that was only accessible for said ones, indicated that he was working here but that couldn’t be the case, right? Yuri wasn’t even 18 yet and the manager would’ve surely… Otabek wasn’t sure what to think.  
He also wasn’t sure what to feel. Happy about seeing Yuri. Angry and worried about seeing him here. Confused too. Nervous towards his reaction. Jealous and disgusted about the ones that licked their fingers at the sight of the dancing blond.   
  
He needed to talk to him but Yuri hadn’t even spotted him yet and Otabek couldn’t just walk up to him. He had a job to do after all. So he stayed behind his booth and continued Dj-ing like nothing had happened but didn’t left Yuri out of sight for longer than seconds. The longer he watched, the moodier he got. Anger and jealousy making his blood boil as he watched how Yuri ground his crotch against the metal bars of his cage while the crowd beneath him cheered. He pulled on his own hair, swirled long strands around his finger and arched his back while moving his ass like he intended on seducing every singe person in his club. It drove Otabek mad.

It was a while later that Yuri finally looked his way and as their eyes met, he froze, staring at Otabek with wide, shocked eyes. To assure him that he wasn’t seeing things, Otabek stared right back and curved his fingers in a _come hither_ motion ordering the younger man to move his ass right over. The missing amusement on his face and look in his dark eyes telling Yuri that he wasn’t asking.

If Otabek was surprised by Yuri actually doing as he was told for once, it didn’t show on his face. He watched with stern eyes how the blond slowly came out of his cage and over to him. Otabek queued a pre-mixed playlist in case this would take longer, knowing Yuri it surely would. He took his headphones off und pulled Yuri behind his Dj-booth as soon as he was within arms reach.   
  
„Tell me you’re not actually here.“ He growled, holding Yuri by his wrist.  
  
„Fine. I’m not really here. Someone spiked your drink and now you’re seeing things.“  
  
„Funny. Now tell me what you’re really doing here.“  
  
„Dancing?“  
  
„Yeah I could see that.“ Otabek tugged him closer. „Why?“

Yuri swallowed. „Heard the DJ was good.“  
  
„Bullshit. You didn’t knew I’d be here. You nearly had a heart attack when you saw me.“   
  
„Yeah well you are quite the sight.“ Yuri purred and pressed himself closer to Otabek.   
  
„Yura, I’m serious. What were you doing in that cage? And don’t you dare make a pun about tigers.“   
  
Realizing that his distractions wouldn’t work, Yuri admitted defeat. „I’m working here, Beka. You already figured that out.“   
  
„What the hell, Yuri. Why?“   
  
„I need the money.“  
  
„You’re 17!“   
  
„Thank’s for the reminder.“ Yuri hissed through his teeth. „Why don’t you write it on my forehead in big, bold letters?“   
  
„Maybe I should! Does the manager know?“  
  
Yuri’s stubborn lack of a reply was answer enough.   
  
„I’m going to speak with him.“  
  
Yuri put a hand on his chest, holding him back. „Don’t. Beka, please.“   
  
„Why shouldn't I?“   
  
„It will get us both in trouble. You could get fired too for causing a scene.“  
  
„Oh and you think you won’t get into trouble by continuing this?“ Otabek didn’t give a damn whether or not he would be invited back here to play another gig.  
  
„No, I’m just dancing.“ Yuri tried to convince him to calm down.   
  
„Yeah, half naked and underaged in a club full of drunks and pervs.“  
  
’„You don’t need to worry. I can handle myself. Don’t cause a scene, please.“   
  
„Of cause I need to worry.“ _With the way you dress, with the way you dance. You’re giving people ideas with that beautiful body of yours and some of them won’t ask before they take what they want._ „You didn’t even tell me about this.“   
  
„I knew you wouldn’t like it. I didn’t want to fight again.“   
  
„What about your job at the Diner? Did you loose it?“   
  
„No, I’m still working there.“

„Good. Now excuse me because I’m gonna go and talk to the manager.“ Otabek went to move past the blond.   
  
„What? No.“ Yuri tried to hold him back, unsuccessfully. „Beka, please! I need this job.“   
  
He sounded desperate. Otabek stopped, turning back to Yuri. „Why?“ This time he wouldn’t back down before he knew. „You’ve already got a job, so why do you need this one?“   
  
„I need more money.“ He heard that before.  
  
„What for? Are you in trouble, Yura?“   
  
„No. It’s not for me. It’s for … my grandpa. He needed new medication and it’s expensive.“ He looked down to the floor, messy hair falling around his face and hiding his expression.   
  
Otabek stepped closer again. „Is he sick?“ He asked, gentler this time.   
  
Yuri swallowed and shook his head. „No he will be fine. Just different pills, expensive ones.“  
  
„So that’s why you’re working all the time now?“ _That’s why you don’t have time for me._  
  
Yuri nodded. „I’m sorry.“   
  
Otabek pulled him into his arms. „You don’t have to be sorry. I wasn’t angry, I wouldn’t be.“ _You could have just told me._ „I’m glad you told me.“  
  
Yuri nodded where he was pressed into Otabek’s neck.  
  
„Is this why you were so upset the other day?“  
  
Another nod. _You could have just told me._

„I’m sorry, Yura. I’ll be there if you ever need any help, you hear me?“   
  
„Yes.“ It was almost inaudible. „Thank you.“

„I still don’t want you working here. I understand that you need the money but this makes my skin crawl.“

Yuri pulled back from their embrace, narrowing his eyes at him. „What are you trying to say? Does it disgust you what I do? Because if so, you’re a fucking dickhead.“  
  
Otabek held on to him. „No I’m not disgusted, I’m concerned.“   
  
Yuri was silent for a moment, then: „Beka…“ he sighed. „Please don’t fight with me over this. I don’t have time to get another job. Here I get paid per night, I can just come in whenever I have time and it’s good money. I need it.“  
  
„I don’t like it.“ Everything about this seemed like a bad idea to Otabek. He was concerned and scared for Yuri, who couldn’t keep his mouth shut and always seemed to get himself into trouble so easily.

„I don’t love it either but this isn’t forever, you know? And you don’t need to worry. I’m not drinking while working and I’ll stay in my cage the entire time, no one will bother me. The bouncers here keep an eye on the dancers.“   
  
_How do I tell him that the club-scene won’t do him any good? That I’m already concerned about him drinking too much and now he will be surrounded by alcohol whenever he’s here. That I know that he isn’t asking to be touched with the way he dresses but assholes will see it like that anyway. That the thought alone of him dancing like he did earlier while I’m not here to keep an eye on him, makes my blood burn with jealousy. How to I tell him that without triggering another fight?_  
  
„I don’t like it.“ Otabek repeated, feeling unable to put his worries into words that would sound reasonable to Yuri. It already made him  
wonder why Yuri wasn’t throwing a tantrum by now about not giving a damn what Otabek wanted, that he didn’t get to tell him what to do and that he could decide for himself. That he wasn’t a baby and could take care of himself. But the expected tantrum didn’t came.   
  
Instead Yuri lifted his arms to wrap them around Otabek’s neck and looked at him with sad eyes. „It won’t be forever.“ Then he kissed him softly on the lips, the party around them still raging on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay there is something I need to get off my chest. Alongside LOTS of positive comments, lovely messages, many kudos and overall nice conversations with amazing people that I got to meet and talk to due to this story and the yoi fandom - there is something that is bugging me a bit.  
> I think most of you are aware that english isn't my native language and maybe you even know that I don't use a beta/editor for this story. I have reasons for that. Some of you were so very generous and lovely to offer to beta my AU which is so kind and makes me happy that people care about this fic. So far I have declined all of them. Like I said, I have reasons.  
> At this point I feel like I have to justify myself. Unfortunately I had not so great experiences with beta's in the past and I just don't wanna rely on someone else anymore. This is a hobby for me, something I do for fun and to unwind. Meaning that I don't wanna stress myself with waiting on anyone, argue over my writing or get stood up. I write, I check it over as good as I can a few times, I formate it which is hell for me and then I upload it. That's it.  
> Most of you guys are amazing and encouraging, telling me that little mistakes don't matter and that my english is very well for a non-native speaker, lot's of love to you guys <3  
> I'm very grateful for everyone that overlooks my mistakes and continues to love and enjoy this story nevertheless. I also do that with other people's stories because the plot/characters/writing style always out-weights grammar mistakes for me and it's just fanfic after all. Right?
> 
> I was a bit down recently because I was told that my mistakes affect my story in a negativ way. I'm aware that this isn't the end of the world but still, it wouldn't leave my head. Some of you may even think that I'm making a big deal out of nothing by not getting a beta. But right now, I just don't want to. Maybe one day. Maybe I can find someone whom I can trust.  
> Ah I don't want to make this too long, I just wanted you guys to know before I get anymore questions about my shitty grammar or how I'm wasting this stories potentail by not getting it properly edited. I'm trying to focus on all the lovely feedback I have gotten because there is SO much of it.  
> I'm sure the person mentioning it didn't even mean any harm, so in case you're reading this too: I'm not mad at you, please don't feel bad.
> 
> Thank you all a million times for being lovely, leaving comments and recommending this AU to others. You make me very happy and keep me motivated to keep going :) I wish I could invite you all for some cake and I hope that you will continue to read and enjoy my writing, even if it's not perfect :)


	13. thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The night isn't over yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before you read this, I wanna say a HUGE thank you to every one of you who left me nice messages and lovely comments full of support and encouragement after my note on the last chapter. I was overwhelmed with happiness and new motivation that made me easily forget and move past any kind of negativity I've gotten and I realized that it was dumb to begin with that I even gave a shit in the first place :D So yeah, I'm feeling great and I'm back to writing without doubts (or at least not more than I had before haha). I'm very grateful for so many kind and amazing readers and I appreciate every single one of you and the comments you leave me. Thank you, you guys make writing this story all the more fun. Lot's of love <3 And now I'm done rambling, please enjoy reading :) 
> 
> Kinda, sorta important note at the end tho if you're interested in my writing.

  
  
Once they parted from their kiss, Otabek refused to let Yuri go.  
  
„Beka…“ Yuri tugged at his hair to get his attention while there were hot kisses being pressed into the skin of his neck. Yuri arched his back, knowing that he needed to put space between their bodies but his mind was unwilling to do so. „Beka, I have to get back to dancing.“  
  
„I’ll dance with you.“ Otabek growled beneath his ear, luring a smile onto Yuri’s lips.  
  
„Tempting but you also have work to do, silly. If they wanted to listen to playlists all night, they wouldn’t have booked a DJ.“  
  
Otabek pulled back to look Yuri in the glitter-framed eyes, keeping his hands around his waist. „Since when are you the voice of reason, Plisetsky?“  
  
„Someone has to and since you no longer think with your brain but with your co- _AH_.“ Yuri shrieked as Otabek leaned back down and bit into his earlobe. „You’re an absolute asshole.“  
  
Ignoring Yuri struggling to free himself from his hold, Otabek continued to kiss him where his teeth had just pierced his skin. „I missed you, Yura.“ The struggling stopped.

Yuri’s knees went weak and he was afraid that his voice would give up on him too, so he opted for saying nothing. He just turned his head and caught Otabek’s next kiss with his mouth, pressing his answer onto his lips, letting it glide inside with his tongue. His own willpower surprised him when he pulled away again a moment later.  
  
„I really need to go back to work and so do you.“  
  
„You can’t, another dancer took your cage.“  
  
„Then I find a new spot to dance. We don’t have to stick to the cages.“  
  
„You don’t ?“  
  
„No, we can dance on tables or the counter too. There a few platforms, like mini stages but they are mostly occupied by drunk guests that wanna act like they’re in a hip-hop music video by stripping to _candy shop_.“  
  
„You told me you’d be dancing where you’re out of reach for the guests.“ Otabek tried to not sound crazy possessive or unreasonably whiny by covering it up with a grin but fact was, that he didn't trust any drunks around someone as vibrant as Yuri. So what? Yes he was jealous, sue him. It was not like him and Yuri had the most secure relationship.

„I do…mostly.“ Yuri pouted, narrowed eyes telling Otabek to not argue with him again on this. It wouldn’t lead anywhere.  
  
„Then stay here.“  
  
„What?“  
  
„Stay here with me. The DJ can be seen from the dance floor as well. Stay up here.“  
  
Yuri shook his head and laughed, the loud music swallowing the sound. „Where? Next to your laptop? On your equipment? There is no place.“  
  
„I’ll find a place for you.“ Otabek said, pulling him closer again.

  
**xxx**

  
The place Otabek deemed perfect for Yuri to continue dancing, turned out to be one of the massive bass speakers that easily towered over him as he stood next to it. But it practically belonged to the DJ-booth and was therefore as close to Otabek as it could possibly get, so Yuri didn’t complain as Otabek helped him to get on the vibrating box by lifting him up until he could pull himself up the rest of the way. Yuri grinned as he stood up, feeling the music pulse beneath his feet.  
The box was facing into the open of the club, it’s sounds spilling into the crowd beneath Yuri. Excitement flooded through him as he watched the colourful mess of sweat and euphoria on the dance floor from above, the high difference from here even more dizzying than from one of the cages he usually took for a stage.  
  
_Don’t fall on your sweet ass, Yura._ Otabek’s voice still rung through his ears from where he had growled into them before he’d grabbed him to hoist him up.

Now Yuri turned his head around to watch how Otabek had gone back behind his table full of equipment and put his headphones back on. When he looked up and found Yuri’s eyes already on him, he gave him one of those small smiles of his that increased Yuri’s heartbeat faster then the drilling beat beneath his feet ever could.

And Yuri smiled back, teeth blueish-white from the black-lights and fake fog wafting around him, wrapping him in dark shadows and colourful flashing lights like he just appeared out of another world. A wicked, beautiful creature here to steal hearts and breaths away, to lure simple humans into the obscure darkness while making them smile from ear to ear, believing they found their salvation.

While those were the thoughts that crossed Otabek’s mind as he looked at the blond, he knew that Yuri wasn’t actually magical, no matter how much he looked like it. He also knew that there wasn’t anything wicked about him and yet, Otabek would admit to be the first one that lost his mind around him.

Especially once he started dancing again. Otabek had the best view from where he was mixing the music, one glance up from his laptop and his eyes immediately fell on sinfully moving hips, landed on that perfect, little round butt Yuri was shaking. It was a bit distracting.  
But Otabek was a capable enough DJ to handle both his music and the major distraction that was Yuri Plisetsky. He even started playing music he knew Yuri would enjoy and was regarded with joyful smiles and cheeky winks in his direction while the blond whirled around, dancing with newfound energy.

This night turned out to be one of the best gigs Otabek had ever played at a club. Which shouldn’t be surprising at all, seeing that everything that seemed to be fun, was even better if there was a certain Russian involved.  
  
It was a few hours later, after Otabek had packed his laptop up and the club switched back to playing playlists for the few remaining night-owls, that Otabek helped Yuri back down from the speaker. The blond let himself glide down the box, knowing that he would fall into secure arms. They left the club together in the early hours of the morning, both tired and with ringing ears from having spend too much time in the presence of loud music.  
  
„How did you get here?“ Otabek asked while they walked, pulling Yuri from his sleepy trance.  
  
„Bus. Takes forever but’s cheap, so…“ He trailed off.  
  
„I hope you don’t plan on taking the bus back now.“ Otabek said, his mind already providing him with horrific pictures of Yuri falling asleep in a grimy bus that broke down in the middle of nowhere, or drunks that he had to share it with while it was still dark outside.  
  
„Ah no, I’ll just walk the two hours back home. Of cause I’m planning on taking the bus again, Beka.“ Yuri sighed, rubbing his eye and smearing golden glitter across his cheekbone.

Yuri hadn’t watched where they were going but when Otabek stopped walking, he looked around, realizing that they went into an unfamiliar alleyway. However, the black motorbike that was parked there, he was very familiar with.  
  
„No way. There is no way I’m letting you drive me home, Otabek. It’s how late now? 4 a.m? Later? I know it’s the weekend but it would take you forever dropping me off and driving back, so don’t even try convincing me.“ Yuri snarled.  
  
Otabek’s expression didn’t change. „I wasn’t going to do that.“  
  
„ _Oh_.“ Yuri deflated. Alrighty then.  
  
„I was going to ask if you wanted to come home with me.“  
  
Yuri’s head jerked up, eyes wide open. „What?“  
  
Otabek looked a bit flustered. „Not what you think, I mean unless, I mean forget that. It’s late and you’re tired. You could stay at mine and get some sleep before heading back home.“  
  
„Wha-Where?“ Yuri didn’t catch right up.  
  
„I live here.“ Otabek explained. „Well not here,“ he said pointing at the alley with a small chuckle,“but here.“ He gestured around to the open streets and the skyscrapers of the city.

It had never come up and Yuri had never asked where in particular Otabek lived, he probably should have, he realized now. Maybe he also should have guessed it when he saw him at the club tonight but he didn’t, there was just too much going on.  
  
„You live here.“ Yuri repeated weakly, staring at the buildings around him like they had suddenly changed dramatically. _Here_. Yuri worked here now. He had spend his last birthday at the very club they had just left and Yuri had no idea. So close and yet so far away. Over and over again.

„Okay.“ Yuri heard himself say. „I’ll stay the night.“

  
**xxx**

 

Yuri stepped as carefully into Otabek’s apartment as if he was sneaking into church during mass. Like Otabek, he took his shoes off in the hallway and from there on, he wasn’t to be heard as he silently and with wide eyes walked around.  
Otabek thought that Yuri reminded him of a stray cat he let in for shelter and while it was curious, it was also ready to bold at the first sign of danger.

„Hungry?“ Otabek asked and Yuri actually jumped a bit, before he nodded. Otabek’s eyebrows furrowed at that, he didn’t like that the younger man felt so skittish in the place that was his home, so he added: „I’ll go grab something to eat for us. You can like, look around if you want to. Make yourself at home.“  
  
Yuri nodded again and Otabek went to the kitchen while Yuri wandered around. The apartment itself was neither small and cramped nor overly large. Average size, Yuri assumed. The walls were high and painted in light colors and if the many windows were anything to go by, this place would probably have lots of good natural light too but since the sky outside was only now fading from dark-blue to a paler violet, it was hard to tell.  
  
Otabek was a tidy person, which didn’t surprise Yuri at all. No dirty dishes in the sink, no clothes scattered around and no wet towels on the bathroom floor. Not that Yuri snooped around but Otabek had left all his doors open and Yuri couldn’t resit peaking into the rooms. That said, Otabek had allowed him to look around, didn’t he? It wasn’t like Yuri would go and rummage through his underwear drawer or something like that.  
  
The kitchen was tidy and practical, lots of fruit in a bowl tho. Otabek stood in front of the open fridge and seemed to search for something. Yuri went into the bathroom to wash his hands and found it alarmingly empty. Sure, that guy had a toothbrush and deodorant, all kinds of soap too but still. To Yuri, who’s bathroom always looked like an entire squad of cheerleaders and a few drunk men had gotten ready in it, it seemed like something was missing.  
The living room however, was much more interesting to him. Not that the usual couch, coffee-table and TV combo was something out of the ordinary but it looked like Otabek had more personal stuff in here and that interested Yuri. There was a small shelf of books and another one with DVD’s, a playstation beneath the TV. Magazines on the table, some pictures on the wall and a dead plant in the corner of the room. Yuri chuckled.  
  
Once Yuri deemed the Magazines boring, they had cars on the cover for fucks sake, Yuri went over to the photos.

Matching pairs of brown eyes and dark hair told him that he was looking at Otabek’s family, all smiling at the camera, half in amusement, half in annoyance. Most of them were taken outside, the siblings squinting against the sunlight. But they all seemed happy. One big happy family. Yuri swallowed. Beka looked younger in some of the pictures, his hair wilder and curly like Yuri had never seen it before. For some reason that made his heart clench too. He turned around and decided to take a closer look at his book and DVD collection for a while instead.  
  
When he was done there too, figuring that he should really read more if he ever got the time, he wandered further into the apartment since Otabek hadn’t returned from the kitchen yet. Again, he was met with more open doors. Two to be exact.  
One lead into a room resembling an office. Along with a PC, there was other technical stuff and cables on the large desk that Yuri couldn’t name. He saw a lot of USB-sticks and CD’s, some headphones and a shelf full of vinyls and music magazines and came to the conclusion that this was the place where Otabek worked on his music. Not that it took a genius to figure that out but Yuri was tired and a bit nervous as well.  
Therefore Yuri only dared to peak into the last room, instantly knowing that it had to be Otabek’s bedroom. He saw a very large, very inviting looking bed with silky dark blue covers and some build-in wardrobes out of dark wood before he heard his name being called from further away, probably the kitchen. He jumped again and immediately cursed himself for being so awkward without a reason, then he went to see Otabek. Yuri found him in the living room where he was setting down plates and glasses of water on the coffee-table. He smiled when he saw Yuri.

„I didn’t really felt like cooking Dinner this early in the morning but then again, I didn’t want to serve you some granola. So I made grilled cheese sandwiches, I hope that is okay. I know you like junk-food so…“ He trailed off, rubbing his neck.  
  
Yuri went completely red. „You didn’t need to make such a big deal, idiot. I could have eaten a granola bar or whatever.“ He sat down on the couch to avoid standing around awkwardly. Otabek fell down next to him a second later.  
  
„It wasn’t much effort.“ Otabek shrugged, finding Yuri’s blush adorable. Not that he would say that out loud, knowing that the blond would probably kick him in the balls if he did.  
  
„Alright.“ Yuri huffed. „Thanks then.“ He said before he buried his teeth into the delicious looking sandwich. God, he had been hungrier than he thought. He finished his water too and started munching on the bowl of red grapes that Otabek had brought with him from the kitchen. Yuri sat crosslegged on the couch and enjoyed the popping sound of the fruit as he bit down on them, the sweet juice filling his mouth. Otabek ate a lot slower and by the time he went for the grapes, there was only a handful left in the bowl.  
  
„Sorry.“ Yuri muffled through a mouthful and must’ve looked like a fat squirrel because a second lather, Otabek started laughing loudly.  
  
„Oh, shut up.“ Yuri groaned after he swallowed and shoved some grapes into Otabek’s mouth, successfully stilling his laughter.

While Otabek chewed, he kept his eyes intensely on Yuri and this time, Yuri didn’t look away despite the blush creeping onto his cheeks.

„Come here, Yura.“ Otabek’s voice was a lot lower now and drew Yuri in like a spell as he climbed into the older man’s lap.  
  
„Hey.“ Yuri whispered, their faces only a hand’s width away from each other.

„Hey.“ Otabek answered with a small smile before he leaned in, kissing Yuri. He tasted like sweet grape juice and his mouth was hot as Yuri licked his tongue inside, moving his lips against Otabek’s soft ones. Yuri raised his arms to lock his fingers behind Otabek’s neck, running his nails lightly over the sensitive skin there.  
Meanwhile he felt large hands come to rest around his waist, felt Otabek rubbing circles onto his skin with his thumbs. Pressed against Otabek like this, he felt like he could breathe easier again. He hummed with closed eyes as Otabek pushed his tongue against his and let himself melt into their kiss until it was the only thing left on his mind. Just him and Beka and all the little, electric places where their skin met.

He felt Otabek’s hands slip further under his shirt, his warm fingers running up his back and caressing his spine and shoulder-blades. Yuri shifted forwards on his lap, brining their bodies closer together and slipping the fingers of one hand into Otabek’s hair, working the gel-slicked strands apart. God, he would love to see him with his natural hair.

Otabek groaned as Yuri’s hand slipped, causing him to accidentally scratch his nails against his neck. He pulled Yuri forwards and their hips rocked together, igniting heat deeply in Yuri’s abdomen. Feeling Otabek’s dick under the curve of his ass, Yuri started to slowly circle his hips, wanting to feel how it got fully hard under his touch, knowing that it was him that caused pleasure to the handsome man beneath him. He heard Otabek growl lowly as his hands wandered back down to Yuri’s hips and thighs, gripping his skin firmly. Yuri’s own jeans were uncomfortably tight by now and he wasn’t far from moaning into Otabek’s hot mouth while they were grinding against each other.

Instead he whined in protest as Otabek pulled away, wanting to chase his lips with his own. He only came back to his senses and opened his eyes when he felt that he was being tugged back by his hair, yet he couldn’t stop a small moan from escaping his throat caused by the tiny twinge of pain.  
  
„Just for the record, this wasn’t the only reason why I invited you here.“ Otabek’s voice was low and he had that hazy look in his eyes that made it hard for Yuri to understand what he was actually talking about.  
  
„Uh-huh.“ Yuri mumbled and leaned in again, placing a kiss onto the corner of his mouth.  
  
„And you can have my bed, if you want to. I can sleep on the couch.“ Otabek murmured, eyes falling shut again.  
  
That however, Yuri registered right away. „Don’t you dare, Altin.“ He growled against Otabek’s mouth before he bit down on his lower lip. Goosebumps of excitement were rising on his skin as Otabek groaned into their sloppy kiss.

Suddenly the world started spinning and Yuri yelped in surprise as Otabek hoisted him up by the thighs and stood up without breaking their kiss, carrying him out of the living room. Yuri closed his eyes again and returned Otabek’s kisses, clinging onto his board shoulders.The next thing that he noticed through the haze in his mind, was that he was gently laid down on a bed, the hot skin on his back sinking into cool, soft sheets. He pulled Otabek down with him, longing to feel his weight on him. Wanting to be as close to him as possible.  
He opened his legs so Otabek could sink between them and moaned when his thigh pressed against his own arousal. His fingers found their way down Otabek’s sides and to the hem of his shirt, pulling at it until he finally noticed what Yuri wanted and got rid of it. Yuri used the seconds they were apart to shrug out of his own top and practically purred once Otabek lowered himself back down on him, loving the warm touch of their naked skin against each other.

Otabek pushed his hands into Yuri’s hair, holding his head as he kissed him deeply while Yuri’s own fingers traced over his back and shoulders, up his strong arms where they curled around his bicep. With every kiss, with every touch, Yuri felt heat running through his body, spreading into the very tips of his fingers and toes. He arched his back to press his chest closer to Otabek’s and wondered for a moment, how it was even possible to yearn for another human as much as he did.

Pushing the thoughts from his mind, he focused back on the pleasure that was reaching for him with hot fingers, waiting for him to give himself over. And Yuri did, he pushed his hand between Otabek and himself, working on unbuttoning the other male’s jeans. Otabek groaned again as Yuri’s hand brushed his erection and lifted his hips slightly to help with the movements, reaching down himself to open Yuri’s jeans at the same time. They pushed and pulled at each other, wet lips tracing hot skin and long blond hair getting in the way of hungry mouths. Once or twice, Yuri scraped his nails harsher than intended over Otabek’s skin and Otabek grabbed for him impatiently in a way that would surely leave marks behind. They rolled around in the sheets, rumpling the pillows and pushing the blanket half off the bed as they lost their clothing, unwilling to part even for seconds.

Yuri’s heart was racing as they rolled over so he was on top of Otabek, both naked and clinging onto each other like that still wasn’t enough. They rocked their hips together as their legs intertwined, moaning through kisses whenever their hard lengths slid against each other. Otabek’s hands moved down to Yuri’s ass, kneading the plump flesh there and coaxing mewls from Yuri’s lips. Feeling his rough hands on parts of him that no one else was allowed to touch made Yuri grind harder against Otabek, encouraging the other man that he enjoyed the feeling of his rough fingers against his smooth skin.

Otabek’s hands slid over the curve of his ass, down to the gap between his thighs, before lightly dragging his fingers back up. Yuri gasped and pulled back from their kiss as he felt them gently push between his cheeks, featherlight brushing over the part of him that had never been touched by anyone like this before. He stared at Otabek with wide eyes as the other slowly opened his, desire evident in his expression.  
  
„Is something wrong?“ Otabek asked quietly, his hands lying lightly on the small of Yuri’s back. Could he feel how fast Yuri’s heart was beating against his own chest? Could he tell that he was setting his world on fire with every little touch?  
  
„No.“ Yuri whispered. _I was just surprised. I didn’t expect you to touch me there._ But he didn’t say that, he said: „Everything’s alright, don’t worry.“ And leaned back in to claim his lips once more.  
  
Otabek hummed and his hands began to map out Yuri’s naked body once more, sending shivers down his spine despite feeling hot all over. Yuri carefully tugged at Otabek’s bottom lip with his teeth before letting it snap back, licking against the corners of his mouth and moving his own to wander down to nip at his jaw. He smeared wet kisses of want over his neck, pressed his swollen lips against his throat and bit into his tanned shoulders. He shuddered in pleasure when Otabek moved beneath him, feeling his hardness slide over the flat of his stomach, wetting his skin with pre-cum.

Yuri reached down between them, wrapping his fingers around Otabek’s hot length and stroked him slowly but with a firm grip, coaxing moans from the Kazakh with every slow drag of his hand. The position they were in didn’t leave much room for Yuri to move his arm, so they shifted impatiently until Otabek was sitting up against the headboard of the bed and Yuri was back to straddling his lap again, their flushed erections touching.  
Now Otabek was reaching for Yuri’s dick as well, his thumb swiping over its wet head while his other hand pressed against the back of Yuri’s neck to keep him still as soon as he would start to squirm from the intense pleasure. Yuri whined against Otabek’s lips and sped the movement of his hand around Otabek’s cock up, wanting to make the other feel as amazing as he did.  
  
„Yura.“ Otabek groaned, moving his head aside util his lips were brushing against Yuri’s hot cheek. „Tell me what you want.“  
  
_I don’t know, I can’t think. Everything. Maybe I want everything._ „You.“ Yuri panted. „I want you.“  
  
There was a dark gleam in Otabek’s eyes as he pushed Yuri off his lap until the blond fell backwards onto the rumpled sheets with a surprised yelp. He didn’t have time to ask questions or complain before Otabek hovered over him again, pressing him into the mattress.  
This time when Otabek settled between Yuri’s spread legs, they were both naked and briefly, he felt Otabek’s long cock nudge between his cheeks as he moved, rubbing against him _there_. Yuri didn’t know why but it made him mewl. Ever since Otabek touched him earlier, he’d been unable to forget about it. Otabek took his sound of pleasure for his clue to take him apart further, biting at his neck and pinching his sensitive nipples until Yuri arched off the bed and started rolling his hips involuntarily, all while being more than aware of the hot weight of Otabek’s cock hanging between his open legs.

While Otabek was busy licking over the nipples he just twisted until they turned red, Yuri heard himself moan. „B-Beka, I want-„ He breathed heavily, watching with half-lidid eyes how Otabek’s tongue glided over his sweaty skin.

„What do you want?“ Beka asked and kissed down his stomach, biting into the flesh of his hips. The delicious weight between Yuri’s legs disappeared as his lover moved down the bed slightly.  
  
Yuri whined in frustration. „More.“ He panted. „I want more.“  
  
Otabek chuckled lightly and looked up at Yuri through thick lashes from his smouldering, chocolate eyes which were filled with affection and lust. Yuri forgot how to breathe for a second. Otabek perhaps being the most beautiful thing he had ever seen.  
  
No, he was _sure_ of it.  
  
„More of what, kitten?“ Otabek asked with his velvety voice and broke Yuri’s trance.  
  
„I want you inside me.“ Yuri blurted out, his own voice shaking but the moment he said it, he knew it was true. He wanted him. All of him. „Sleep with me, Beka.“ It came out sounding like a prayer and Yuri didn’t recognise his own voice.  
  
Otabek’s eyes widened and his hands against Yuri’s sides stilled from where he was tracing his tanned fingers over pale skin. „Are you sure?“

Yuri bit his lips and felt his cheeks reddening but he nodded his head. „Yes.“ He couldn’t deny that he felt a bit nervous but he wasn’t afraid, not of Otabek. There was no one he’d rather do this with than him. „I want you.“ Yuri repeated and he’s shaking but his voice wasn’t.  
  
Otabek didn’t take this eyes off him when he came back up to hover over him once again, looking at Yuri as if he had never seen him before. „I want you too, Yura.“ His lips were barely touching Yuri’s. „So much.“  
  
Then he kissed him anew, devouring him with his perfect lips that did nothing to calm Yuri’s heartbeat down again.  
_This was really going to happen_ , Yuri thought both with nervousness and excitement, not yet fully believing it. But he had no doubt about wanting this, about needing Otabek closer to him. He didn’t want to think about why that was the case nor what it would do to his heart once it was over. For now, he allowed him to be selfish and consuming of Otabek’s desire because he might shatter if he had to be without him for any longer.

He kissed Otabek back like he was trying to steal the oxygen from his lungs, having not enough for himself to get through everything that existed outside of this bedroom. Yuri roamed his hands over Otabek’s naked back, mapped him out with his fingertips and wished that he could memorise every freckle and scar, that he could put his lips on every inch of his warm, golden skin. Otabek shifted again above him, slowly pulling away from their kiss to stretch and reach over to his bedside-table. Yuri crawled after him, chasing him with his lips until they fell back between the pillows at the headboard. Otabek rummaged through his drawer while Yuri kissed his sternum, licked over his abs and nipped at his neck. _Mine, mine, I want you to be mine._

Seemingly having found what he was searching for, Otabek closed the drawer and focused his attention back to the blond that was trying to suck bruises onto his toned stomach.  
  
„C’mere.“ Otabek murmured and reached for him, pulling him on top of him and pushing messy blond hair from his face as he cupped his jaw. „God, I can’t believe you’re real.“ He whispered and Yuri was glad that they started kissing again because he had no idea what to answer to that.  
  
When one of Otabek’s hands left his body and there was a small clicking to be heard, Yuri raised his head to watch how Otabek poured some lube onto his fingers while his other hand was rubbing circles against his hip. The bottle was half empty, Yuri noticed and hoped that Otabek somehow used it on himself because any other option would hurt too much to even think about.  
  
He felt lips against the shell of his ear and hot breath on his neck. „Have you changed your mind? Because I’ll stop if you want me to.“  
  
Yuri closed his eyes and leaned his cheek against Otabek’s. „No, don’t stop.“ He laid down on his lovers board chest, urging his body to relax again. His legs fell open on either side of Otabek’s hips and the hand on his side slid lower until it gently hooked around his thigh to spread them further, so that the man beneath him would have easier access to the most hidden part of him.

Otabek kept one hand on the small of Yuri’s back before his other reached between his long legs to get him wet between his cheeks. Yuri felt as if is senses were sharpened. The slight stubble on Otabek’s chin was more noticeable while they kissed, as was the feeling of this throbbing arousal that was currently trapped between their stomaches, Otabek’s own hard heat was pressed against his hip.  
  
Yuri tried not to tense when he felt cold, slick fingers brush over his entrance, reminding himself that he wanted this. He felt comfortable with the position they were in, able to reach Beka’s lips and not yet exposed to his view while he would get used to being touched like this. He didn’t want Otabek to sense is insecurity and inexperience.  
  
Yet Yuri still gasped as he opened himself against the pressure of Otabek’s fingertip, felt him press in harder and slide inside all the way before he started moving, pulling out und pushing back in. While it wasn’t painful, it also didn’t feel particular good Yuri noticed in confusion but since he had no idea how it was supposed to feel like, he kept his mouth shut.  
Distracting himself by melting into another kiss instead, he decided to tease his lover by biting his lip and pulling away when Beka wanted to pay him back by doing the same to him. Yuri giggled.  
Then the hand at his waist disappeared and a second later, smacked his ass-cheek playfully. Yuri’s eyes widened in confusion and excitement as he felt arousal from the sharp tingles of pain that warmed his backside.  
  
„Naughty kitty.“ Otabek chuckled into his ear and bit his lobe, distracting him unknowingly as he withdrew his finger from Yuri’s body to gather more of the lubricant that was warming up between his legs.  
  
Yuri thought that it was a good thing that he had turned his head to kiss Otabek’s neck because this way, the other man didn’t saw how Yuri’s face twisted in pain as he now pushed two fingers inside, stretching him uncomfortably. This was the pain Yuri had awaited and he focused on breathing through it.  
He hadn’t told Otabek that he was a virgin and he definitely wouldn’t bring it up now that his large fingers slowly stretched him open. Yuri knew that Otabek would focus only on Yuri if he told him but he wanted this to be enjoyable for both of them. Otabek would only make a big deal and worry like he always did, treat him like glass or worse, refuse to sleep with him at all. So Yuri tried to not pay attention to the pain, focussing on kissing and touching Otabek instead. It almost worked until he heard his voice.  
  
„God, Yuri you’re so tight.“ Otabek groaned, scissoring his fingers and Yuri gasped again. _Yeah, tight like a virgin_ , Yuri would joke if he wasn’t sure that Beka wouldn’t laugh about it.  
To his relief, he felt that the sharp pain faded into a hot burn that was not unbearable any longer and that Otabek’s fingers had sunken all the way in, his knuckles brushing Yuri’s ass as he moved his wrist. The heat in Yuri’s stomach returned at the promise that this might get better again, that he would be drowning in pleasure by the time Otabek sank into him. He wanted that with impatient desire, wanted to feel as intoxicated as he did a few minutes ago and share it with the man in his arms. He was done with feeling pain, there was more than enough pain waiting for him by the time he would leave this bed.

And so he curved his body and pushed back against Otabek’s movements, meeting him half way. While his insides still burned, it was not longer unpleasant. Encouraged by the sensations of Yuri grinding back so wantonly, Otabek increased his speed and curled his fingers, wanting Yuri to let go completely of any tension that held his body down and prevented his mind from floating completely into hazy lust.  
  
Yuri had no idea what happened next but briefly, he saw stars. The breath was being knocked from his lungs and a moan was ripped out his throat. He wrapped his arms tightly around Otabek’s shoulders and buried his fingers into his hair, clinging onto him as he tried to wrap his mind around what just happened.  
He had no time to do so, the next spark of electricity climbing up his spine as he tried to get his breath back, his fingers flexing into Otabek’s hair. Yuri panted into his neck, unable to keep his hips from rolling and pushing back as Otabek worked him open, rubbing against his sensitive insides. Yuri, who had only quietly gasped and mewled so far, now couldn’t stop the embarrassing stream of moans that seemed to come from deeply inside his chest. Otabek was quickly becoming addicted to the sounds Yuri made, was getting drunk by the idea that it was _him_ that caused him so much pleasure. He felt as if his wildest fantasies were coming true.  
  
„That’s it. Right there, Yura.“ He growled into messy blond hair as he pressed his fingers into Yuri’s sweet-spot again, feeling him clench around his fingers to pull him in deeper. It made Otabek achingly hard, feeling himself drip with pre-cum as the most beautiful human he had ever seen squirmed on top of him. He wanted him so badly, wanted more of him.  
Yuri whined in protest as Otabek pulled out again and moaned when he pushed three of his slick fingers back into his hole a moment later, wasting no time curling and scissoring them to prepare him thoroughly. Not even with his mind clouded and his body driven by lust would he risk hurting his Yuri.

There was a slight sheen of sweat coating Yuri’s skin, heat spreading through his entire body as Otabek fingered him open and pressed kisses against him wherever he could reach. It didn’t hurt anymore, despite the burn and how tight he sill was even tho Beka did his best to work him open. But he felt full, stretched and Yuri found himself liking the feeling even if he couldn’t explain why.  
It was a while later that Yuri felt himself getting impatient again, he was breathless and sweaty with starts dancing at the outline of his vision but he still wasn’t joined with Otabek in the way he wanted to. He decided that he wouldn’t settle for seeing stars if there was a supernova awaiting him, if there was a way to be even closer to Otabek.  
  
„Beka,“ he panted, partly distracted by the delicious friction provided by Otabek’s rough fingers that were turning him into putty. „I don’t wanna wait any longer. I-I need you, _now_.“ He finally raised his head from where he had been trying to hide his flushed face and moans in the crook of his neck.  
  
Dark, lust-filled eyes met Yuri’s green, cloudy ones. „Okay.“ His fingers stilled inside Yuri, slowly pulling out. _Everything. I would give you anything you'd ask for._ Otabek was careful but Yuri still winced when he withdrew, feeling empty and open and _wet._  
  
Not caring about the mess, Otabek quickly wiped his hand on the sheets before gathering Yuri back in his arms, rolling them around so Yuri was the one on his back with Otabek hovering above him.  
He stared down on Yuri, flawless pale skin that seemed to glow in the dim room, naked from head to toe. His golden hair framed his lovely face, fell on the pillow beneath his head and over his shoulders like a soft veil. His delicious lips were shiny and swollen from hundreds of Otabek’s kisses and his eyes …his gorgeous glass-green eyes were open wide and unguarded, looking up at him with nothing but trust and want. Otabek was so close to his face that he could see every faint freckle on his nose, that he could’ve counted Yuri’s amazing, long lashes.  
  
„You’re beautiful.“ Otabek whispered, shocked to hear his usually steady voice shaking. „There is no one more beautiful than you are.“  
  
Yuri swallowed, his eyelashes fluttering and eyebrows furrowing slightly. „Beka…“ His voice was shaking too. As if he knew that Yuri was at a loss for words, Otabek leaned back down and kissed what he couldn’t express from his lips. Deeply and hungry, slowly and urgently.   
  
Then there was the crinkle of foil and Otabek’s hand that disappeared from Yuri’s jaw to move lower and between them. Yuri kept is eyes closed as he felt the warmth of Otabek’s body leave him as he sat back on his knees to deal with the condom. He only opened his eyes again as he felt the gentle touch of Otabek’ fingers at the inside of his thighs, sending tiny sparks of pleasure to his groin. Yuri saw the questions in his chocolate eyes before he even opened his mouth. _Do you really want this? Are you sure? Are you feeling alright?_

Otabek didn’t need to ask, Yuri understood him either way in this moment. _Yes,_ Yuri nodded, _Yes._

„You ready, kitten?“ Otabek whispered, licking his lips.  
  
„Yeah.“ Yuri’s heart was hammering against his ribs and yet, he felt oddly calm. _Must be what trust feels like._  
  
Yuri felt the tip of Otabek’s length at his entrance, how he started to press in and bit the inside of his cheek to prevent himself from whimpering. Figuring that it would hurt either way, Yuri reached for Otabek were he was still kneeling between his legs. „Come here,“ he demanded weakly,“come back to me.“  
  
Otabek slid in further as he moved to hover over Yuri again, balancing his weight off him by pushing himself up by his arms. Yuri craned his neck to kiss him, wanting to distract himself from the pain as Otabek pushed in further, and Otabek from noticing that he was in pain to begin with.  
Yuri could tell from the tension in Beka’s shoulders that he was holding back from thrusting deeper, giving Yuri time to adjust as he finally sunk in all the way and Yuri felt oddly touched, placing kisses against his neck while he clung around his shoulders to ground himself, needing Otabek to prevent him from falling apart.  
  
„Relax, Yura.“ He heard Otabek murmur above him and he did his best to listen as he waited for the pain to subside, spreading his legs wider and shifting his hips to get more comfortable, above him, Otabek groaned at the friction.  
  
„You feel so good, Yura. Can I move? _Please_ tell me I can move.“ His voice sounded strained, pleading.  
  
Yuri swallowed and clenched down experimentally, wanting to see if it would hurt much. His plan backfired as Otabek groaned again and jerked his hips involuntarily, pushing Yuri further into the mattress. While it knocked the breath out of him, Yuri took it for a good sign that he neither screamed nor started crying and therefore gave his green light.  
  
„Yeah but go slow at first, okay?“ Yuri whispered, pressing his chest closer to Otabek’s for comfort and warmth.  
  
„Of cause… I’ll do everything you want.“ Otabek answered and managed to not let it sound cheesy at all, but genuine. He leaned down to kiss Yuri again, stroking over his cheekbone with his thumb. Then he started rolling his hips forwards slowly, carefully sliding out and pushing back inside Yuri all while he did his best to kiss Yuri’s skin whenever he could reach.  
  
This time when Yuri closed his eyes, they fluttered shut instead of being clenched close in pain. He focused on the rhythm of Otabek’s hips and how his breathing increased. He focused on the movement of Otabek’s back-muscles beneath his hot skin and Yuri’s fingertips and on the smell that was so familiar to him by now, the one he had missed so badly over the last few weeks. _Coffee, chewing gum, sun-warm leather, sharp cologne and the faintest hint of engine oil_. Tonight it was mixed with new nuances. _Sticky hair-gel, musky sweat and sex. The sweet bubblegum scent from the fake fog machine of the club._ He had missed him so much and found him again in the least expected place. He inhaled deeply and almost unconsciously, started moving his hips shyly to meet Otabek’s thrusts.  
  
Yuri was in the middle of tracing his fingers up and down Otabek’s spine while he relished in the feeling of his rapid heartbeat against his own chest when he heard himself moan, followed by hot sparks of pleasure blossoming between his legs and deeply within his abdomen, traveling up his spine and erasing less important and wonderful things from his mind.  
  
He tightened his hold around Otabek’s shoulders and ripped his eyes open. „Beka…“ It was more a breath then it was a word and when he looked into Otabek’s dark eyes, he saw the same hot fire in them that was currently spreading through his own body.

„Yura…does it feel good?“ He asked as if he already knew the answer. _Doesn’t it feel amazing?_

„Yeah.“ Yuri moaned, unable to break their intense eye contact as small waves of pleasure returned to his body as if the sharp pain had never existed, soothing the remaining burn until Yuri forgot about that too. „I don’t want you to hold back any longer, Beka.“ Yuri whispered with glassy eyes, wanting to give himself fully to the man above him. _There was no way to be closer to another person and if there was, I’d want that too. I’d want everything._  
  
Otabek’s answer was another kiss as he lowered himself onto his elbows, pressing himself even closer against Yuri and trapping his leaking length against his toned stomach. He buried his hands in Yuri’s messy mane and cradled his head as be began thrusting harder, causing Yuri to move up and down with his movements.  
Yuri threw his head back and extended his neck as he felt his hardness drag against Otabek’s skin, inviting his lover to press his lips against the pale skin of his neck and suck it roughly into his hot mouth until there were red and purple flowers blooming across it. With every snap of Otabek’s hips into him, he felt pleasure sloshing inside him, threatening to spill over sooner or later in the most promising way.  
Yuri curved his body and pushed back eagerly, wanting to meet every singe one of Otabek’s hard thrusts that caused him to groan deeply into Yuri’s ear while the room filled with the harsh sound of skin meeting skin and their joint pants for air. Yuri felt Otabek’s thighs come into contact with his ass with every push inside of him and realized in wonder that his small body was actually able to take him and it made his blood boil with pride and satisfaction, made him brave enough to clench around Otabek every now and then, which earned him a row of fast and deep thrusts that made him loose his breath while his toes curled in the rumpled sheets.  
Yuri couldn’t decide if he’d rather come right this second or if he wanted this to last longer so they could stay joined like this, with Otabek panting against his sweaty neck and covering Yuri’s entire body with his in a way that Yuri quickly became addicted to.

He gasped and moaned as he felt himself twitching and leaking while Otabek showed no sign of exhaustion despite the small beads of sweat that were collecting between his shoulder-blades and the small of his back. With every whimper from the blond beneath him, he bucked his hips deeper and faster, wanting to hear him get louder, wanting to make him squirm until he’d make him cum as hard as he could. He reached down to hoist Yuri’s thighs up higher, angling himself deeper in oder to find his sweet-spot again that made him mewl so beautifully earlier.  
The new position folded Yuri slightly and he wrapped his legs around Otabek’s hips and tried to cross his ankles behind his back to keep him as close as possible.  
  
Otabek pressed his lips against Yuri’s temple as he shoved him into the mattress over and over again, feeling satisfaction spreading through him as he heard his breath increasing, turning into whimpers and small _uh uh’s_. Despite is stamina, Otabek new that his own orgasm would approach him soon with the way Yuri felt so deliciously tight around him but he made it his mission to make him fall apart first. Telling by the nails currently digging sharply into his back, it felt like he would succeed.  
  
The stars were back, dancing around Yuri’s head and their shining light made his vision swim as his chest started to quickly raise and fall with short pants that often grew into breathy moans that became uncontrollably louder with every rapid hit against the sensitive spot deeply inside him caused by Otabek. Yuri rolled his hips wantonly, raking his nails over golden skin while pleasure was clouding his mind.  
Usually, Yuri could tell when his orgasm was approaching. It was as if small waves grew bigger and bigger until they violently crashed over the shore, flooding pleasure through his entire body.  
  
This time, Yuri couldn’t tell and was completely caught off guard when his orgasm hit him.  
There was the drag of friction against his swollen length and Otabek’s hands on his sweaty skin. Another deep thrust against his sensitive insides and he felt himself clench tightly around Otabek’s moving cock. A sudden tension behind his balls before it snapped a second later and he felt himself releasing onto his own stomach while the stars exploded in blinding white light that made him arch his back off the bed and against Otabek who wasn’t thinking about stilling his movements. This was the supernova he had wished for and it came with loud moans and chocked breaths as Yuri squirmed, clenching and shuddering while his mind was being ripped apart and put back together by bursts of pleasure and electricity, relief and bliss.  
  
And it lasted because Otabek was keeping up his rapid thrusts, continuing to push into Yuri. He moaned too as he felt his hot insides clench around his twitching length, causing more friction that made him chase his own orgasm. Seeing and hearing Yuri like this, whining from the stimulation that wasn’t over yet and looking exhausted and at the same time, vibrantly alive like he’d never seen him before, seemed like a dream to Otabek that was too good to be true. He messily kissed the mewls from his swollen lips, feeling his thighs quiver beside his hips and his arms desperately holding onto him, shaking fingers curling into his hair.  
  
„Beka.“ Yuri cried, voice hoarse and pleading without knowing what for. Yuri felt like he couldn’t take a single more drag of Otabek’s cock against his overstimulated insides and yet, he never wanted to part from him. Wanted them to stay like this at least forever and moan out his name until his voice broke and his body turned into stardust before it got swept away by a storm.  
  
„Almost there, baby.“ Otabek rasped out into the crook of his neck. „God, _Yura I love you_.“  
  
And then Otabek came with a stutter of his hips, moaning deeply and sinking his teeth into the skin of Yuri’s shoulder while he rode out his orgasm with unsteady thrusts.  
  
Yuri only registered half of it as Otabek’s words echoed through his head, sobering him up as he held the panting man closely against him as if he could shield himself this way from the ice that suddenly replaced the fire in his veins and spread through him relentlessly, cracking his chest open.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is 8.3K long and 5.7K of this is pure smut ... so yeah :D I may went a bit overboard but I like smut and I wanted it to be very detailed and realistic, I hope I somehow managed that. This chapter was a pain in the ass (haha) to write because it took me forever, don't know why because it was still fun but I played around with it over and over again until it felt...right? Idk, please let me know what you guys thought of it, I'm burning to know! 
> 
> Also: I posted a Otayuri prompt collection on here in case you're interested. I've got 3 chapters up by now and I think more will follow. Check it out if you wanna or hit me up on tumblr @ yours-julie to simply chat or send me a prompt that I can write :) I wish you all a lovely weekend xx


	14. fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surprise! New chapter already! It's short and kind of an filler since I didn't plan on updating already but now I'm doing it anyway. I decided to split the chapter I had originally planned because I'm evil and also for effect. Don't worry, I didn't change anything in the plot and if I made any promises regarding certain things happening, they still will but probably a bit later ( like next chapter or whatever ). Enjoy reading <3

Yuri couldn’t fall asleep.

After hearing Otabek’s confession, it was like he’d been frozen. His emotions, his thoughts, everything clogged up and turned into ice, numbing him to the point where he felt like he had somehow left his body and watched his next movements as if it was someone else's. Otabek’s words had echoed through his ears but somehow they didn’t reach his mind where he could have fully registered or reacted to them. Maybe it was his body protecting him- from what exactly he couldn’t tell, or it was shock.  
When Yuri would look back on his moment later, with his chest aching painfully, he couldn’t think of another explanation.  
  
He had held Otabek tightly against him until their breaths had calmed down and had tried not to wince as Otabek first pulled his teeth from his tender shoulder and then himself from where he was buried between Yuri’s legs. The pain had been sharper again after the pleasure was over and Yuri felt oddly exposed and open, wanting to close his legs and feel the warmth again that had left his body together with Otabek, who had moved to lift his crushing weight off Yuri.

Otabek had quietly asked him if he was alright, carefully pushing his hair back while being generous enough to ignore the fact that Yuri hadn’t reacted to what he had just said. While Yuri had enjoyed Otabek’s gentle touch, he couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eyes and so he closed them, pretending to be sleepy and simply hummed in confirmation, when really he hadn’t felt alright but that wasn’t Beka’s fault. And while his body was exhausted and his mind was drained, he knew that he wouldn’t find the peaceful exit of sleep any time soon.  
He had felt how Otabek shifted further away, probably to get rid of the condom, shuffling around in the dim room. Then Yuri had felt how the mess on his stomach was being wiped down before Otabek returned to wrap his arms back around Yuri and pulled a blanket over them.  
  
But Yuri couldn’t fall asleep.  
  
This should be paradise, back in Otabek’s arms where he felt safe and warm after weeks of missing him, a comfortable and soft bed after the exhausting day he had, feeling Otabek’s steady heartbeat against his naked skin and the small puffs of breath that softly hit him across the neck - those things were the stuff Yuri had secretly dreamed about. But now that he had them, the tension wouldn’t leave his body and sleep didn’t welcome him with open arms like he wished it would finally do.  
  
With tired, burning eyes he watched how the night sky got slowly paler outside the window, fading into light violets and pinks while he felt the ice inside him melt away as if the rising sun was promising to get rid of all darkness there was, no matter where.  
But with realisation, sadly didn’t came relief. As Yuri finally allowed himself to think over Otabek’s confession, he felt his chest tightening and his eyes started burning for a different reason. He couldn’t be sure if Otabek had truly meant what he had said, or if those words had only stumbled from his lips in the heat of the moment but if there was a chance that they were true, then Yuri would need to act quickly before he made an even bigger mess than he already had.

As quietly and carefully as he could, he detangled himself from Otabek and slid from beneath the warm sheets. He instantly felt cold as he collected his cloths, pulling them on hurriedly.  
  
Before he left the bedroom, he took one last long look on Otabek, watching how his chest slowly rose and fell in deep sleep. He looked more relaxed, younger even and had his arms wrapped around a pillow to replace Yuri’s warmth. Yuri had to swallow hard at the sight, his heart fluttering anxiously and confused in his constricted chest. He wanted nothing more than to crawl back into that bed and yet he knew, that it would be selfish to do so.  
  
Instead he tiptoed into the living room to collect his bag and then into the kitchen where he searched for a pen and paper. When he couldn’t find a blank sheet, he simply took one of the delivery-service flyers from the fridge and wrote on the backside:  


_Beka,_

_It’s not easy for me to write this note and it’s even harder for me to just leave you behind like this. Maybe it’s the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I’m not good with words, or emotions, actually I’m not good at anything but knowing that I’ll leave you here to wake up alone hurts my chest from the inside like someone forced me to swallow acid and then puke it up again, repeatedly. You will be mad at me and you will probably don’t understand why but I heard what you said to me and believe me, it’s better if I go now. I always manage to fuck everything up but I don’t wanna fuck you up, you’re too good for that, too good for me. It would be incredibly selfish, wanting to keep you for myself, knowing that I could never give you back what you need. I don’t have time for you, there is so much going on right now that you don’t know of and it would be horrible and unfair of me to drag you into this too. You had enough of me being a mess already. God, I don’t know what I’m saying, all I know is that last night was beautiful and that I feel like leaving half of myself behind by leaving your bed, maybe even the most important parts of myself and I-_  
  
Yuri stopped writing, realising what he was doing and read over his note before he crumpled the letter up into a tight ball and shoved it into his unzipped bag. _What are you doing, idiot? This way you wont convince him that it’s best to get rid of you._ No, he was doing this wrong. He took a new flyer from the fridge, turned it around and started anew:  


_Beka,_

_I know it’s an absolute asshole-move to leave you in bed like this but maybe now you finally realize that this is exactly what I am. You were right, not only do I take - I also don’t give back. But what you said to me opened my eyes and made me realise that you don’t deserve to be treated like this by me any longer. I’m sorry that it took me so long but I don’t wanna lead you on anymore. I never planned for this to happen but this thing between us somehow_ _escalated and now here we are. I know that you won’t be the one to end this, so I will. This night clearly meant more to you than it did to me and I’m sorry for not being brave enough to at least tell you that directly to the face.You’re a good person so please don’t think that you did something wrong. I know you will probably be mad at me now but eventually, you’ll be grateful that I spared you the effort of dealing with me. It’s better this way. We just don’t fit together and what you feel, I can’t give you._  
  
_Don’t come looking for me, I have nothing left to say._

_Yuri_

 

Lies were the most believable if there was a bit of truth in them, Yuri had heard that once and hoped, bitterly, that it was true. He put his letter back on the fridge, right in the middle where Otabek wouldn’t be able to miss it. His own handwriting seemed to make fun of him, made his skin crawl with the thoughts of what Otabek would think of him as soon as he read this.  
  
Yuri stumbled to the door, suddenly feeling unable to stay here just a second longer, gasping for air as if he couldn’t breathe. He pulled his shoes on hurriedly and accidentally dropped his bag, causing his stuff to spill out. Repressing a curse, he quickly collected his earphones, lipgloss, lighter and spare change from the floor and stuffed it back inside, zipping his bag shut. Then he was out of the door and ran down the stairs so fast he almost slipped and fell. Once down, he threw himself against the frontdoor with all this weight and tumbled into the free where he was met by the cold air of the young morning.

He continued running all the way to the bus stop, wind ripping at his hair and stinging his eyes. His lungs were burning but that was still better then focusing on the nausea in his stomach or the sore pain between his legs. A constant reminder of what had been his for a few fleeting, beautiful moments and what he had lost so quickly again because when your name’s Yuri Plisetsky, all good things came to an end. Abrupt and painfully.  
  
Yuri entered the fist bus that would take him home, leaning against the window and staring outside with burning eyes. The pinks and oranges of the rising day were starting to disappear like colourful ink under running water, fading down into dull greys and blues that held no more promises of sunlight. Light fog and heavy clouds of rain came together to smother, what could have been a bright blue sky. They loomed threateningly above the city, ready to erupt and ending what was left of the summer.

Yuri didn’t care, if anything, it would fit his mood. The sooner summer was over, the sooner he’d be able to forget about it, right? And while he was at it, best to get rid of the memories of last summer too, he wanted the rain to wash it all way.

Only that he knew that it wouldn’t be this simple. And did he really want to forget all about Otabek? Even if it hurt like this?  
  
Yuri slumped further into his scabby seat as the bus slowly left the city, heading for the highway. Luck hadn’t fully left him yet, seeing that he vehicle was empty spare for two other dozing passengers and the driver that had turned the radio up to listen to a boring morning show. But it was cold and Yuri shivered as he was viciously reminded that he wouldn’t feel like this now, had he just stayed in Otabek’s warm embrace.  
  
And then he couldn’t hold it together anymore.

Yuri started crying desperately, pressing both his hands flat against his chest as if he could hold his shattering heart together like this and stop the pieces from cutting into his sore flesh, from tearing him open until he was bleeding out between his shaking fingers. He gasped for air, afraid that his lungs would take damage too and felt like he couldn’t get enough of it into his burning chest, whimpering with the effort to keep quiet.  
He was either succeeding or no one cared enough to come and look after him. A small relief, barely noticeable against the high-pitched hiccups that shook his trembling body.  
  
Memories of last night wouldn’t leave his head, paired with the lines of that awful letter Yuri had left behind. He couldn’t shake Otabek’s voice from his mind, repeating over and over that he loved him. It was torture, causing endless streams of hot tears to roll down his cheeks until they dropped into his messy hair or onto his shirt, leaving wet patches behind.  
His hands were shaking as he tried to wipe them away and he felt nauseous, like something was slowly poisoning him from the inside until there would be nothing left of him. Yuri curled further into his seat and around himself, hugging his knees to his aching chest. He was so indescribably exhausted and tired but it wasn’t enough to stop the steady flow of tears, nor the pounding headache that was starting to keep him company as if he didn’t feel miserable enough already.  
  
Otabek would hate him after reading his note, Yuri was sure of that and it only made him sob harder, hiding behind his hair that clung to his wet cheeks. Yuri knew that what he did was necessary and for Beka’s own good but that didn’t mean that it hurt any less to leave him like this.  
  
He needed to let him go, needed to give him a chance to get away from Yuri to see that he could do so much better without him. The list of reasons why he wasn’t good enough for Otabek was endlessly long, starting with his fucked-up past and ending with the fact that he had no perspective for the future. He was rotten and tainted from the inside and he wouldn’t chain Otabek to himself and that dead-end-town just because he fell for some long legs and a blond mane.

Yuri had known from the very beginning that they would have no chance, which is why he had tried so hard to stay away from him, first only for his sake but now, it was Otabek’s turn to be protected.  
This life that Yuri lead, it made people angry and unhappy, made them die young or drown it in alcohol. And he wouldn’t drag Otabek into that. Because that’s what would happen, Yuri wasn’t able to leave because of his grandpa and so Otabek would come to him again and again until he’d become a part of this life and town. Yuri would get him in trouble with the police, they would fight all the time and sooner or later they’d start to hate each other. Otabek would either stay but start sleeping around, drinking more and more over time or simply leave Yuri altogether, causing Yuri to spiral into mind-numbing substance abuse.  
  
No, happiness wasn’t part of the life Yuri lead and it would be unfair and selfish to keep Beka around, to keep him waiting while Yuri was busy working for _dedushka’s_ medication and their increasing bills. He had too much to stress over, too many responsibilities and not enough time. He was too messed up on the inside, too easy to leave and he had nothing he could give Otabek back in order to keep him by his side. Because love wouldn’t be enough, Yuri knew that love was never enough to keep two people together.

Yuri cried and cried until he felt feverish, his throat sore and his eyes puffy and red and even then, he couldn’t stop.

When his parents had left him, he had felt heartbroken too so the pain shouldn’t feel this unfamiliar but then again, a fresh cut stung more than a old scar. Yuri desperately hoped that the cruel pain that was currently crushing his lungs and shredding his heart would one day ebb away too, leaving nothing behind but another scar and a bitter memory if that meant that he’d be able to breathe freely again.

But he had no faith for that to happen any time soon, knowing that this time, he was the one that had left something behind. That one, being the man he loved enough to rip himself apart in order to protect him.

_I love him._ And it was true, otherwise Yuri wouldn’t have been strong enough to put Otabek first. _I loved him all along._ For far longer than he had realised and even after he finally did, he still didn’t admit it. _I’m in love with him._ In another life, in a better life, Yuri would have been brave enough to tell him that last night while they hadn’t been able to look away from each other, their bodies pressed together.  
  
_Heaven help me, I love him more than anything._ And the tears kept falling.  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * hides under the carpet *


	15. fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short but early chapter, sorry but these need to be separate. Future chapters will be longer again.

 

When Otabek woke up, far earlier than he usually would on a free day, the bed beside him was empty. He knew that Yuri was gone before he opened his eyes, his fingers wandering over cool sheets and searching, in vain, for another warm body next to his. He slowly opened his eyes and sat up, letting his gaze wander. While his cloths were still scattered around on the floor in messy piles, Yuri’s were gone too. Otabek had the unpleasant feeling that Yuri didn’t just went to take a shower and took them with him, nor that he was lazily lounging around in Otabek’s apartment while waiting for him to wake up.

The churning feeling made himself at home inside Otabek’s stomach as he got up and dressed into sweatpants before leaving his bedroom. Yuri’s bag wasn’t leaning against his couch anymore and by the time he reached his frontdoor, he already knew that the blond was gone, his missing shoes being his official last clue. For a moment, Otabek just stood there and started at his door numbly without allowing himself to think over why Yuri had left, what that _meant_.   
  
He turned around sharply to march back without a proper destination when his eyes fell on his fridge. All the little notes, bills, post cards and take-out-flyers he’d pinned there with magnets, were arranged into a big circle, with one being unmissable left in the middle, like a big eye staring at him from across the room. He saw handwriting that he couldn’t read from the distance but he also couldn’t bring himself to move and take a closer look, his stomach forming uncomfortable knots as he stood there and stared.   
  
Closing his eyes, he wished strongly that when he opened them again, that the note would be gone and Yuri would come around the corner, hair like a birds nest and eyes shining as they looked at him. He would smile uncharacteristically shy at Otabek and Otabek would kiss him again before they made some breakfast and sat on the couch together, talking quietly about what happened. Otabek would explain that _those_ words had just slipped out but that he had meant what he’d said and Yuri wouldn’t freeze up and run at the first opportunity he got but stay and listen.   
  
He opened his eyes but his apartment stayed empty and quiet, the note still mocking him from where it hung in the centre of his fridge. Scolding himself for being ridiculous, Otabek went straight for it and ripped it down, taking a deep breath before he started reading.

_Beka,_

_I know it’s an absolute asshole-move to leave you in bed like this but maybe now you finally realize that this is exactly what I am. You were right, not only do I take - I also don’t give back. But what you said to me opened my eyes and made me realise that you don’t deserve to be treated like this by me any longer. I’m sorry that it took me so long but I don’t wanna lead you on anymore. I never planned for this to happen but this thing between us somehow escalated and now here we are. I know that you won’t be the one to end this, so I will. This night clearly meant more to you than it did to me and I’m sorry for not being brave enough to at least tell you that directly to the face.You’re a good person so please don’t think that you did something wrong. I know you will probably be mad at me now but eventually, you’ll be grateful that I spared you the effort of dealing with me. It’s better this way. We just don’t fit together and what you feel, I can’t give you._   
  
_Don’t come looking for me, I have nothing left to say._

_Yuri_   
  
  


The first time he read it, he refused to register a single word. The sentences were not making sense and the words slipped from the paper like runny ink. His stomach ache grew and demanded attention but Otabek was busy reading the letter a second time to make sure, then a third and after that once again until he almost knew it by heart. It took him a while until he could finally wrap his mind around the fact that no, he wasn’t imagining things and no, this also wasn’t a sick joke. What he saw there black on white, was actually real and meant to be taken seriously by him.  
  
He turned the letter around, a cheap printed advertisement for sushi on the other side. God, he would never be able to eat a California Roll ever again without feeling like throwing up and punching a wall.   
  
Hot anger burned though him to make space for the sinking feeling of disappointment that immediately followed. _What had happened ?_ Until he found the letter he had been convinced that, yes okay he scared Yuri off but he’d be able to fix things again by giving him some time and space like he always did when Yuri lashed out but _this_? This he couldn’t just look past and pretend that it had to do with Yuri being young and scared. This was Yuri not _caring_ and clearly ending things between them. This was Yuri not loving him back.   
  
It was the final straw, Otabek decided, he was done with his shit.  
  
His pride aside, he had allowed Yuri so many times to hurt him and act carelessly around him, letting his moods out on him and fighting him on every step they took closer to each other, cursing and yelling at him, always dancing on the lines of what Otabek was willing to give and dangling his feet over the edge recklessly. And Otabek had never yelled back or treated Yuri with anything but patience and love, stupidly letting himself be lured back by pink lips stretching into feisty smiles and green eyes that held promises bigger than the world itself. And Otabek had not once thought that Yuri could lead him on, not until he read that letter.  
  
And now he was questioning everything. Last night he would’ve sworn that Yuri loved him. This morning, he wondered how little he must’ve mattered to him all this time if he was able to do this to him.

Had anything between them ever meant anything? Or had Otabek been blind and in love, a fool to believe that what they had was more than a summer flirt and heated moments in which they had shared their naked bodies. He felt embarrassed and hurt at the thought.   
How much longer would he have been Yuri’s toy to pass the time and his boredom, hadn’t Otabek slipped up last night and accidentally confessed? His own thoughts were making him sick but the letter in his balled fist felt like a sharp slap to his face, forcing him to see his blond angel in a new light.   
  
Only that Yuri had never been an angel, hadn’t he? And certainly, he had never been _his_.  
  
Otabek had fallen in love with Yuri’s passion, with the fire in his eyes and the way his body moved but he never actually believed, that one day he’d burn himself and get used by his passion like this. Consumed yes, but not used. He had thought that they were in this _together_.  
  
God, he felt like an idiot. Like the fool in a fairytale that fell in love with the beautiful Siren that pulled him under water to drown and devour him with sharp teeth. And as his lungs constricted and screamed for air, his blood quickly turning the water red, he still loved that malicious creature with all his stupid, dying heart.

Otabek ripped the letter apart and shoved it deeply into his trash, unable to look at it a second longer or he might’ve really thrown up. Then he stormed back into his bedroom and striped the bed from its sheets, tearing the covers away until dust and feathers flew up into the dim morning light. He felt the intense urge to get rid of everything that was Yuri, starting with his poisonous scent that still clung to the pillows as well as strands of long, golden hair. But even after he had turned on the washing machine, the smell of him lingered in Otabek’s nose, making his eyes burn.

Suddenly feeling deflated, Otabek sat down on his bare bed with his head hanging low between his knees. Last night he’d felt on top of the world and this morning he felt like puking his guts out from how miserable he was. He was so angry and irritated. Felt so used and humiliated. He was so disappointed in Yuri and so hurt by his actions and yet, he already missed him horribly with a aching heart and sore eyes.   
It was like the blond had kicked him in the stomach with all his strength and then laughed at him while Otabek gasped for air and choked on painful coughs. He really shouldn’t miss him, should be glad actually, that he was gone and finally spit out the truth but that was only what his brain was telling him. His heart however, ached and longed despite knowing better.

His fingers twitched to reach for his phone and call Yuri while in his mind, Otabek was already down the stairs and halfway to his motorbike to demand an explanation in person. But it was no use, Yuri had told him to stay away and this time, he would. He was done fighting and running after him. No longer would he make an idiot out of himself even if it meant biting the bullet of never knowing _why._  
  
If laying his heart out for Yuri, and offering him all his love and support wasn’t enough, then he wouldn’t humiliate and pain himself further by chasing someone that simply not cared. It tasted bitter, needing to let Yuri go like this after everything that had happened between them and how things were now ending but Otabek had enough self-preservation to know when something was dead and gone.

  
_\- For I have sworn thee fair and thought thee bright,_   
_who art as black as hell, as dark as night. -_   
  
  


_So farewell, Yuri Plisetsky. I mistook your burning touch for heat when it was ice and while I tried to melt your heart, you stole mine._ _I guess summer love simply wasn’t meant for a winter’s child._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem was part of Shakespeare's Sonnet 147, in case anyone's wondering. I thought it was quite fitting (and beautiful).


	16. sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> last two chapters were small, this one is really long again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I'm not gonna lie, there are a few parts in this chapter that are a bit tough but I have no idea how to warn you here without spoiling the whole thing, however I heaven't chanced any tags or warnings on this fic, in case you were wondering. But I will say that there are a few unhealthy coping mechanisms in here, so if you're very sensitive or already had issues with themes discussed in past chapters of this story, read with caution.

  
  
Endless amounts of rain were pouring from the sky, drumming onto the pavement and rooftops so loudly that every other noise was getting muffled by it, making Yuri feel as if he had stepped into a parallel-world made out of grey clouds, blue fog and veils of water falling from above. Large puddles were quickly forming on the asphalt, little waterfalls of rain running down the large window-fronts and blurring the moving figures behind them into dark silhouettes. The wind was picking up too, ripping brown leafs from the barren trees before the rain pressed them against the ground, turning them into slippery mush.   
Yuri pulled his hood further over his head and hugged himself with one arm against the cold, while his other tapped the ash from his cigarette before he brought it back to his lips, inhaling deeply. His toes were becoming numb inside his thin sneakers and the wetness slowly crawled up his legs and into the fabric of his dark jeans despite the roof above his head. He wished that he could have waited inside the car but _dedushka_ would raise him hell if he caught him smoking in there and since the doctors office his grandpa was currently in for a checkup made his skin crawl too, Yuri had decided to wait outside.   
  
The building complex here contained all kinds of offices for doctors and academics, all glass and cheap smelling linoleum. Many people went past Yuri as he waited, glancing over to him curiously before ducking back under their umbrellas and shielding their briefcases from the lashing rain. Yuri paid them no mind as he smoked one cigarette after another, watching the race of the raindrops on the windowpanes that surrounded him from both sides to shelter the entrance of the building behind him. His face was getting spayed lightly as he wind changed his direction but Yuri didn’t mind about that either as longs as his cigarette wouldn’t get wet. There was nothing more disgusting than smoking wet tobacco.   
  
He checked his phone to see if this grandpa had texted him yet since they had agreed that Yuri would come back up to help him get down the ridiculously long set of stairs but there was no alert waiting for him on his screen. As to be expected, these appointments always took forever and Yuri didn’t got much notifications these days as it was.   
  
Weeks ago, his foolish heart had secretly hoped that his phone would chime sooner or later, or that a roaring engine from outside the Diner would demand his attention but nothing. It had been bitter to accept that his plan had actually worked, it had been horrible to realize that things were really over for good and Yuri couldn’t deny that his heart still hurt, that his eyes still stung but he wasn’t waiting for a sign anymore.   
It was over, he had made sure of that. He realized that his vision had started swimming from more than just the blurry rain he was staring at and he quickly wiped at his eyes with the sleeve of his hoodie and forced himself to think about something else. He did that a lot recently, forcing himself to do certain things:   
  
Not getting distracted at the Diner and keeping his mouth shut, dividing his money logically as soon as he got it so it would be enough. Not letting his eyes wander whenever he worked at the club, secretly searching the crowd for someone. Taking care of grandpa, cooking more and keeping the house clean to help out more. Not letting grandpa see how much he smoked and how little he felt like eating, so the old man wouldn’t worry. Limiting his time with Ivan and trying to not get too drunk again, knowing that worrying his grandpa too much would be fatal for his health. And as much as he felt like drinking himself into oblivion, he wouldn’t dare doing it. He had to be there for his grandpa now, putting himself second and he swore to every higher power there might was, that he wouldn’t be the final nail to Nikolai’s coffin. He wouldn’t mess this up, not this time.   
  
Yuri made sure that _dedushka_ took his pills on time and drank enough tee. From work he called him on every break and talked the neighbours into visiting his grandpa more to play cards or chatter with him so he wouldn’t be constantly alone when Yuri spend the majority of his days and nights working. He cleaned and cooked and tried to distract himself from his aching heart or at least not let it show how miserable he felt.  
Nikolai was annoyed at how much Yuri mothered him, telling him that taking new medications didn’t turn him into an invalid and that he would go crazy if Yuri wouldn’t let him do whatever he wanted just like he did before his grandson found out about his condition. So Yuri caught the old man still cooking and fixing things, visiting the neighbours himself and feeding Yuri’s strays that came around every now and then.   
Maybe Yuri was really exaggerating his nursing role and Nikolai had a right to be annoyed but Yuri couldn’t stop the anxious thoughts that kept him awake, telling him that he needed to do _more._

And maybe Yuri should be proud of managing all the stress on so little sleep, on staying out of trouble and being so responsible but he felt too hollow to do so, almost numb as he went through day after day with only two goals in mind: Taking care of his grandpa and leaving Otabek the fuck alone. One of those things was stressful and made him anxious, the other ate him alive.   
  
„Do you know that smoking so much is really unhealthy?“   
  
Yuri was ripped from this thoughts by someone shoving himself into his line of vision and speaking up with a awfully cheery voice. Yuri took one closer look, it was a young man, probably a student if his preppy cloths and the briefcase under his arm was anything to go by. He had nice straight, white teeth and curly dark hair, bright eyes. He was handsome, Yuri thought without any interest and didn’t smile in return.   
  
„It’s also really unhealthy to stick your nose up other people’s businesses and yet here you are.“ Yuri said and took another drag.   
  
The guy blinked. „I didn’t mean to be rude so no need to get defiant.“  
  
Yuri huffed. „I get it, you just wanted to enlighten me on the dangers of smoking. Is there another obvious thing you’d like to point out or would that be it, smartass ?“  
  
„I’m a medical student, so I thought-“ He sounded taken aback but Yuri couldn’t bring himself to care as he interrupted him.   
  
„Good for you, shoving your wisdom up other peoples asses seems to be your strong suit but just a heads up, people already know that cigarets are bad, they just don’t care.“  
  
Mr. Medical-student had stopped smiling, his eyebrows furrowing while he was searching for a reply to Yuri’s unexpected, rude answer.  
  
„Is there anything else you wanted?“ Yuri asked, speeding the process up.   
  
„I came over to ask if you wanted to drink a coffee with me, you looked cold.“   
  
Yuri eyed the young man and tried to see him through someone else’s eyes. He was good looking, had pretty eyes and a charming smile. His cloths were awful but expensive looking and he couldn’t be that dumb since he was studying something that seemed actually useful to Yuri. And apparently he was nice enough to invite cold strangers for coffee and not punch them if they turned out to be asshohles. _What a catch._  
  
But not to Yuri and if the guy turned out to be a prince. He didn’t want to go for coffee and have smalltalk, didn’t want his number or see him again. The thought alone of kissing him or sleeping with him made him nauseous when in another life, Yuri would have licked his lips for someone like him.   
  
„Will you still ask or did I already managed to scare you away?“ Yuri asked flatly, hating that he had to compare this guy to someone else he’d much rather drink coffee with. Someone who _smelled_ like coffee and leather…  
  
„Depends. Are you’re actually an asshole or just in a bad mood that will vanish with some caffeine ?“ The guy showed off his white teeth again and Yuri’s eyes started to burn once more.   
  
He quickly rolled them in annoyance, urging the wetness away. „Let lost.“ He barked at the student like it was his fault that Yuri couldn’t bear the thought of going for a drink with someone else.  
  
The doors behind Yuri opened and Nikolai stepped out just as the guy was stomping away and Yuri flipped his cigarette into the bushes before his grandfather could catch sight of it.  
  
„What are you doing down here? I was gonna come up to get you.“ Yuri scolded to distract himself from his little emotional outburst and took his grandpas arm as they made their way back to the car, ducking their heads against the rain.  
  
„Don’t be ridiculous boy, I don’t need you to escort me down the stairs, I’m not a czarina. Now get me home, I’m hungry.“   
  
„What did the doctor say?“ Yuri asked as he got into the drivers seat. At this point he almost forgot himself that he still didn’t own a license.  
  
„Everything’s alright, just a lot of tests and useless paperwork but he say’s that it’s necessary if we wanna keep an eye on my heart.“   
  
Yuri hummed, agreeing with the doctor despite his grandpa’s clear annoyance. He was too tired to keep a conversation up, focusing on the traffic instead. The last thing they needed was a speeding ticket or some kind of trouble with the police.

Nikolai seemed to sense his bad mood, not that his grandson had been a ray of sunshine recently, but still. „Are you hungry too, Yuratchka? We could make some pirozhki.“   
  
It was a clear attempt to cheer him up but Yuri wasn’t hungry, not even for pirozhki. Yuri felt like crawling into his bed and staying there for the next few months, hidden beneath his blanket.  
  
„Sure, grandpa, sounds good.“ He forced himself to smile.

  
**xxx**   
  


Otabek watched how the snowfall steadily got thicker.   
  
It was a slow day at work but he had a feeling that would change soon, now that the weather got worse and with that, the streets. This time of the year caused a lot of accidents, the people underestimated just how slippery the asphalt could get, how difficult it was to properly see through the falling snow and foggy skies. Otabek guessed that before the week was over, the garage he worked at would be filled with cars that needed to be fixed.   
He turned away from the window to go and make himself some coffee while he had nothing better to do, maybe do some leftover paperwork while he was already at it. With a steaming mug in hand, he walked from the garage over to the rooms with office desks, only to find the seat of his chair already occupied.   
  
It was the stray cat that always lingered around the shop, meowing at the mechanics to share their lunch or sleeping on the warm hoods of the cars. Otabek had let her in earlier, unable to leave her out in the cold, then he had lost sight of her while she apparently had decided to sneak off to sleep under his desk. He had no idea if she was actually a girl but he figured that the cat probably wouldn’t be insulted if he ended up misgendering her. At first, his boss had told everyone that she wasn't allowed inside and that no one should feed her but eventually, he realized that there was no getting rid of her. Otabek suspected that she had warmed his heart too, so now she was officially allowed here and basked in the attention of every worker that offered to pet or feed her. The auto-shop’s very own, living mascot.   
  
Otabek carefully set his mug on the desk and crouched down beside it. „Hey _Bliny_ , are making yourself comfortable on my chair?“ He murmured at the small, sand-colored cat that the mechanics had named after the thin, Russian pancakes. He gently rubbed her little head and she answered him by purring, lazily blinking her large, green eyes open.  
  
The sight made his heart ache, as ridiculous as it was but the cat reminded him of Yuri. Far too many things reminded him of Yuri lately, always dulling his mood and leaving a bitter taste behind. It was like he had left traces behind on everything in sight, causing Otabek to constantly think about him whether he wanted to or not. Well, Otabek had suspected that forgetting about him would be hard but he hadn’t thought that it would be impossible. It had been _months_ and he still missed him all the time, the betrayal of what he did still stung as if it had only happened yesterday. Most days he had to force himself to not think about the blond, to not call him or check his social media for updates. To abstain from visiting him one way or another and if it was only to see his face. Otabek should be glad about the snow since it only added another reason to the endless list of why he shouldn’t get on his bike and do something dumb like speeding towards Yuri’s town.   
  
Of cause he had tried his best to distract himself. Like ripping off a band-aid at once, he thought that it was best if he god rid of every temptation involving Yuri. He had deleted his number, unfollowed him on every social media platform, so potential posts from him wouldn’t pop up on his feed and tempt him. Then he had deleted the mixes he’d created for Yuri with a heavy heart too, the only existing copies now belonging to their original, musical muse. Despite his longing urge, he hadn’t contacted Yuri once and unsurprisingly, neither had he heard from the blond. It had hurt, it still did but Otabek hadn’t expected anything else.  
  
He tried to fill his days differently instead. He went jogging until his legs were so exhausted that he couldn’t even think about dragging himself anywhere else than his shower or couch. He visited the gym until the sweat was dripping, letting his frustration and anger out on the sports equipment. If he couldn’t sleep at night, he threw himself into creating new music until the early morning hours, letting all his emotions and pain flow into it, hoping to get rid of them this way. But he stayed away from the club, declining any booking offers. He didn’t knew if Yuri was still working there but he wouldn’t risk running into him. He had other chances to DJ elsewhere and he didn’t want to rip his wounds open again by seeing Yuri having fun and dancing, while he felt so miserable inside. He was trying to move on after all.

He spend quite some time with Viktor and Yuuri from the dance studio now, meeting up for dinner and drinks. It wasn’t easy seeing how happily in love they were, how carefree. But they always seemed to sense whether Otabek needed someone to listen to or someone to distract him with loud jokes and silly drinking games. Eventually, they were the only ones he dared to tell about Yuri.  
It wasn’t that Otabek felt embarrassed or wanted to hide the fact that he was attracted to men too but the raw feeling that Yuri had left inside his chest was something far too painful and personal. It wasn’t easy to just talk about it, to explain that he felt like he couldn’t breathe properly whenever he thought about it. But he trusted Yuuri and Viktor and after he spit everything out in front of them, he felt oddly relieved. Like he could breathe just a little bit lighter.  
  
His co-workers and other friends must’ve noticed that something was wrong with Otabek too and while they were there for him, they offered distraction in different ways. Hanging around his apartment to play video-games for hours, accompanying him to the gym and showing up at his gigs for support, cheering the loudest. Or even sensing when he wasn’t in the mood for going out, leaving him alone and giving him space when he needed it. It felt comforting to his crushed ego, to have people around that cared about him.   
  
For his birthday at the end of October, Otabek had flown out to Almaty to sped some time with his family and was glad to be surrounded by the whirlwinds that were his sisters, constantly demanding his attention and keeping his thoughts from running wildly into forbidden territory.   
It was good to be home, to be confronted with homework, teenage-crushes and pointless bickering over hogging the remote and eating someone else’s candy. The laughter of his sisters distracted him, as did their endless chatter about school-friends, collage applications and latest gossip-news.   
They warmed his heart and he was relieved that he could still feel another thing in his chest than the dull throb that had made itself at home there ever since he had found Yuri’s letter.  
He enjoyed the delicious, endless dishes his mother cooked for him until he felt like rolling rather than walking into his old bedroom to sleep, too full and content for nightmares or sleepless nights. His family let him feel that they had missed him, just as much as he had missed them in return and with their overall mothering during his stay, they unknowingly consoled him and his aching heart.   
At least that was what Otabek had thought but spending so much time away from his mother had apparently made him forget that there wasn’t a force stronger than mothers-instincts, at least not in his universe.It was at the airport when he was about to fly back to Russia, that she had pulled him into a crushing hug and whispered, so only he could hear:„ My dear, in order to move past something, you unfortunately have to go through it first. Believe your old mother, you won’t feel like this forever. And remember that we will always love you.“  
  
Otabek now sighed at the memory and stood back up, pulling his fingers from Bliny’s fur. He reached for his mug again and took a few lukewarm sips, tasting nothing. He really hoped that his mother knew what she was talking about because right now, it certainly felt like _forever_. And it was almost unbearable.  
  
Again, he couldn’t bring himself to disturb the damn cat and so he went and got himself another chair that he pulled up right next to her before he started on the boring, leftover paperwork that did nothing to properly distract him. Outside his window, the snow started piling up on the ground.

  
**xxx**  
  
  
  
Yuri had no idea whose house he was at but frankly, he didn’t care all that much. It looked like every other house in this godforsaken town, with a rattly fence and a dirty facade. Watery, mossy streaks were running down the exterior walls from the smudged windows and the wooden steps leading to the frontdoor were so rotten and slippery from the snow-mush, that it came close to a miracle that no one had broken his neck there yet.  
  
Or maybe someone did and Yuri simply didn't know. Not that it mattered.   
  
On the inside it didn’t look much better but that was to be expected. Yuri couldn't see far with how crowded the house was but the carped beneath his feet was worn and yellowed, dotted with various stains and burn holes from cigarettes. It smelled like cigarette smoke too, mixed with the sweeter smell of pot and one of sweat, spilled beer and too many people pressed together in a limited place.   
A typical messy house-party like Yuri had been to countless times before. The same shitty neighbourhood and mixture of people that he saw so many times before and still didn’t knew a single thing about. The same too-loud music without much vocals but with a fast, aggressive beat and cheap vodka that had the people passing out on the stairs or jumping each other on the kitchen counters. The kind of chaotic distraction Yuri loved, that made him feel weightless with the knowledge that parties like these were completely self-indulgent and meant to be messy and reckless.  
  
Only that this time, Yuri had absolutely no desire to be here.   
  
Ivan had managed to drag him along, after weeks, no _months_ of Yuri refusing to attend parties like this. Because often Yuri was just too tired or he had to work, he also didn’t want to leave his grandpa alone or worry him by staying out too long. On the rare occasions where he actually did have time, Yuri rather curled up on his bed or the couch, watching TV with his dedushka and ignoring the fact that he felt too sad to go out. 

But tonight, Ivan finally got what he wanted.He had been pissed with Yuri because it was almost New Years and Yuri had told him that _no_ , he wouldn’t join the biggest bar-crawl with him at the end of December but stay with his grandpa when the new year begun instead. Yuri could understand that Ivan was annoyed at that, maybe his friend wouldn’t have been if Yuri had only told him why he didn’t want to go out but fact was, Yuri hadn’t. His problems were nobody else’s business.   
And so he had agreed, reluctantly, to come with Ivan to this house-party to celebrate the new year a few days early. Which made absolutely no sense but Ivan didn’t need a reason to celebrate, only a shit ton of alcohol and apparently, Yuri.   
Who hadn’t even bothered dressing up. There was no makeup on his narrow, tired face, his hair pulled back into a messy bun with loose strands falling over his temples. Of cause he wore tight jeans because he didn’t own any other pants and heavy boots due to the snow. Even his shirt was simple although very small, almost cropped but white without any cuts or prints. No accessories, no jewellery save for the row of metal rings in his ears.   
  
Once inside the house he had immediately shrugged his coat, the air being stifling and warm with sweat. Yuri had lost Ivan about 10 minutes after entering to the dancing crowd and then decided to see how many cigarettes he could mooch before someone pointed his own square pack out that sat very visible in his tight back pocket.   
He hadn’t felt like dancing but went either way when his game became boring and he figured that he wasn’t in the mood to talk to anyone. He took a bottle of Vodka with him that he had found in the kitchen, there was about a quarter of liquid left in there and he drank slowly as he swayed to the music that was much too fast and aggressive for the way he moved. Without any clue where Ivan went, Yuri closed his eyes and hoped to get lost while dancing, the empty bottle hanging from his fingertips.   
  
When hands had settled on his bare hips, Yuri hadn’t opened his eyes again. He didn’t react to the presence of another body closely behind him, pulling him closer and moving against him. Hot breath against his neck and hands that wandered over his waist, hips, down to his thighs and back up to his abdomen.   
He barely felt it as arms wrapped around him, as he was pressed closer into the rolling hips of, undoubtedly, another man. Then there were lips on his neck, his shoulder. A wet tongue licking over his numb skin before the grip around his hips got tighter, spinning him around.   
Eyes still closed, he didn’t pushed away whoever leaned in to kiss him, hard lips against his and impatient to get his tongue inside Yuri’s mouth. Yuri just opened his lips for him, oddly detached as if what was happening had nothing to do with him. Hands were all over his body, gripping, squeezing. He was pressed against someones chest and their rolling hips, wet kisses making it hard for him to breathe. But none of it had anything to do with Yuri, he was far far away.   
  
He only opened his eyes when the alcohol-heavy kiss stopped and the person pulled away, putting distance between them. Then there was a hand on his wrist tugging him away from the dancing crowd. It was a man, tall with blond, short hair and a face Yuri forgot the moment he saw it.   
But he followed him anyway, like a lamb to the slaughter, through the sea of chattering people and up unfamiliar stairs, into a dim room with a bed illuminated by the moonlight.   
The door behind him fell shut but he barely heard it, only felt or rather saw, how arms reached for him in the darkness, how fingers slipped under his cloths and dug into his skin. His own arms were hanging limply down his side, his mouth open but not responding to the rough kisses. In his head, Yuri was somewhere else.  
There were things being said against his skin, moaned into his neck. Something about him being hot, something about someone wanting to fuck someone else, hard. Yuri wasn’t listening, white noise filling his ears almost peacefully.  
Next there had been a pressure on his shoulders, uncomfortably pushing him down until it hurt too much to resist any longer and Yuri’s knees hit the floor to escape the grip. A strong hand on the back of his neck, the sound of a zipper being undone and a voice groaning: „Come on babe, suck me off.“  
  
Yuri blinked, his vision clearing. _What?_   The hand on his neck sneaked into his hair, pulling roughly on the roots. The pain shot though him, tingled down his neck and made unpleasant shivers running down his spine. Yuri gasped as he fell forward and caught himself on his fingertips, his face a hands-width away from the crotch of someone’s unzipped jeans.   
  
And now he woke up from the indifference that had clouded his mind and allowed this stranger to touch his body like he wasn’t more than a mindless puppet. Because Yuri instantly knew that there hadn’t been something in his drink that had made him so detached and pliant but his own brain that, for the first time in his life, had refused to put on a fight and cause a scene to prevent something he didn’t want to happen. He was so tired and exhausted that he didn’t even feel like protecting himself anymore and as Yuri now realized that, it filled him with ice-cold fear.

Everything came rushing back to him that had happened until his point and his knees trembled against the hardwood-floor he was still kneeing on. How did he let this happen to himself? He hadn’t wanted this for a second but he had done nothing to stop the stranger from touching him. Nausea filled his stomach at the realisation. What was happening here was entirely his fault.  
Yuri was very aware of the hand still in his hair and his position on the floor and he feared that if he now did or said the wrong thing, that the situation would escalate very quickly.   
  
„I’m gonna be sick.“ Yuri announced,“I drank too much.“ His voice was thin, shaking and the hand on his neck disappeared immediately as the guy jumped back as if he feared that Yuri was about to puke all over his jeans.  
  
Yuri actually didn’t had _that_ much of alcohol, in fact, he felt completely sober as anxiety rushed through him but he did feel sick by his lack of self-preservation. And so he jumped up too, running from the bedroom on shaking legs and down the stairs, crashing into several people on his way. The guy had yelled something after him but Yuri’s breath was coming out in rapid pants, so he didn’t hear it.   
  
He made it into the kitchen and pushed a kissing couple aside, just in time before he violently emptied his stomach into the sink, throwing up the little he had eaten and a lot of liquid, mainly vodka. His knuckles were white from how hard he was gripping the counter as he gasped for air, legs shaking so much that he thought they would give out beneath him at any second. There was mumbling behind him, most likely his involuntarily audience and he turned the faucet on so he wouldn’t have to hear them, rinsing his mouth out while he was already at it.  
  
Despite feeling like he was about to pass out, Yuri wanted nothing more then to get out of here and go home, so he almost aggressively pushed himself through the drinking crowd until he found his jacket. It took him seconds to shrug it on and rip the frontdoor open, running down the street until he couldn’t hear the music anymore.   
  
As he walked home on wobbling legs, he couldn’t stop himself from looking over his shoulder every few steps, making sure that no one was following him home. He still felt nauseous and shaky, both from the freezing cold and what he had almost let happen.   
He had no idea what had come over him or why he didn’t do _anything_. He had just let it happen, like he was watching a movie or someone else, like he didn’t _feel_ a damn thing while literally being touched.   
  
Yuri started crying, the cold wind almost freezing his tears as soon as they fell. He was so tired of crying all the time, it wasn’t like him to cry so much but then again, he never felt so miserable before. His parents leaving didn’t count, he was a kid back then and getting abandoned like that was the best excuse to cry, well, like a baby. But now he felt scared. Scared of what happened, scared that he might started to lose his mind. And lonely, so lonely and hurt.  
  
Since Yuri had left that bedroom in blind panic, he couldn’t shake Otabek’s face from his thoughts.   
While his mind was spinning in chaos and fear, Otabek’s name stood out behind his eyes like a neon-sign. It made Yuri think how disgusted and disappointed he would probably be in him by what just happened, that was if he was even still thinking about Yuri from time to time. Yuri himself felt disgusted by the ghost-touch of another person’s fingers on his skin, felt sick by the memory of someone else kissing him. It felt like he had cheated, despite not getting any pleasure or distraction out of it. Despite not belonging to anyone.   
  
This was exactly why he didn’t deserve Otabek because he got himself into messy situations like this without any reasons and explanations.   
He would have hurt Otabek so bad. No, it was better if he stayed as far away from Yuri as he could. Even if Yuri wanted nothing more than to call him right now, to hear his warm voice that always managed to calm him down and make him feel safe. But he forbid himself to even look at the saved contact name to refuse the temptation. If Yuri couldn’t protect himself from his actions, then he at least needed to protect Otabek from them.   
  
By the time he reached his grandpas house, his fingers were frozen from the cold and it took him several attempts to unlock the door with them. He sneaked inside as quietly as he could, taking his heavy boots off by the door so he wouldn’t make any noise. Then he tiptoed to his grandfathers bedroom, opening the door carefully and just a tiny bit, only so he could glance inside. He saw Nikolai’s chest steadily raising and falling in the dim light, the movement accompanied by the sound of a light snore coming from the elder man.   
  
Yuri gently closed the door again and headed to his own bathroom where he turned on the shower scalding hot as he stepped underneath. His skin turned angry red as he first scrubbed the cold and then the lingering touch of the stranger from his skin until it hurt. The memory alone was enough to make Yuri want to puke again but his stomach was empty.   
Hot water and soap didn’t seem like enough to him and he wished that he could peel his skin off like a snake, disappearing from himself. Instead he got out of the shower because the water turned cold quickly and he couldn't afford to waste too much of it. Then he brushed his teeth vigorously and twice as long as he usually would, wanting any remains of the stolen kisses gone.   
It didn’t matter if the pressure made his gums bleed or if his lips were red and swollen by the end of it, all that mattered was that Yuri would get rid of this entire evening. He threw his toothbrush into the trash after he was done. He’d be too disgusted to use it again.

Dressing himself in thick leggings and a loose jumper to keep him warm, Yuri finally felt like he wasn’t about to hysterically collapse at any given moment anymore. But he was still far from feeling alright, with his heart still racing in anxiety and his stomach in knots, both from disgust and disappointment resulting from his own actions. And as always, there was Otabek haunting his mind and torturing him with painful longing but tonight, he also felt ashamed and dirty as he thought of his beautiful brown eyes that had looked at him so trustworthy in the past…

Filled with what couldn’t be described as anything but self-loathing, Yuri walked into the kitchen and filled a water-glass halfway with pure vodka before chugging it down like it was nothing more than actual water. It made his throat and eyes burn, his stomach churned in protest but in a odd way, it made Yuri feel like he had just sterilised himself from the inside. And that alone, made him feel better as he put the bottle back in the cupboard and the glass in the sink.  
  
In a few hours, his alarm would ring and he would have to force himself to function again like nothing had happened but for now, he was allowed to just sleep.  
  
  
 **xxx**  
  
  
New years passed in a blur for Otabek as did the following two months of reckless cold and grey snow, turning the sidewalks into deathtraps of slippery ice while the sky was constantly overshadowed by heavy, dark clouds. It felt like forever since he last saw the sun.   
  
He had dreaded March coming closer for weeks ahead and when it was finally there, it was just as hard for Otabek as he had feared. He was more than aware that it was the month of Yuri’s birthday and it was impossible for him to not think about him. He would turn 18 years old and it stung that Otabek couldn’t be with him to celebrate this special occasion together.  
Otabek had to constantly think of Yuri’s last birthday, back then they weren’t on speaking terms either but that hadn’t stopped Otabek from staying up for nights creating Yuri’s remix before sending it his way in form of a birthday gift. The day he had found out just how much Yuri seemed to love his music, so much in fact that he carried that silly MP3-player with him everywhere, was one he was unable to forget, so happy had he been.   
  
Now it was just another treasured memory along several others that made him realize how much had changed since that day and that hurt.  
He remembered that back then, while they were still getting closer, that Otabek that thought or rather _hoped_ , that this time next year they would celebrate Yuri’s birthday together. With an actual present that Yuri would unwrap with sparking eyes while Otabek watched. He would insist that Otabek was a sap or that he couldn’t possibly keep it but Otabek would know that on the inside, Yuri was delighted at the surprise of a present. Then they would eat disgusting, sugary-sweet cake that made Otabek’s teeth hurt from just looking at it but Yuri would eat at least 3 slices and lick sticky frosting from his fingers. Before giggling as Otabek kissed the rest from his lips, blond hair getting in the way…   
  
That was what Otabek had wished for last year, what he had hoped to be their future.  
Of cause that would never actually happen because Yuri didn’t love him but back then, when he still thought that they had a chance, it had felt nice to daydream. Now the memory just tasted bitter.

He sulked for the whole month of March, burying himself in either his work or busied himself by binging series after series on Netflix until he ran out of things to watch. He was unpleasantly aware that he actually hadn’t made any progress yet regarding his plan to move on from Yuri and his broken heart but he was in a too bad mood to care all that much. The only ray of hope was that he had actually managed to prevent himself from contacting Yuri in any way in order to congratulate him, which didn’t seem like the kind of huge accomplishment to him that one could be proud of.  
  
By the time that April rolled around and the weather actually resembled something alike spring, Otabek told himself that he needed to seriously get a grip. His post-breakup-depression needed to disappear along with the snow if he didn’t want to end up like one of those old cat ladies that never fell in love again after getting their heart broken.   
So he made a plan to get back to his fitness schedule and start replying to his friends again when they asked if he wanted to hang out. He would stop worrying his mother by woking extra hours at the garage and start eating lunch again with his co-workers so they would stop giving him these concerned looks. And he would allow Victor and Yuuri to take him on useless trips to the museum and the bowling alley again to _distract_ him and to _get him to go under people again_ as Yuuri had so subtly put it.   
When at fist a bit reluctant and uncertain, Otabek soon enjoyed the company of all his friends again, feeling less lonely despite still missing a certain blond. It felt good to get back on track with his eating-and fitness routine, to feel physically and not mentally exhausted by the end of the day so he could fall into a deep, dreamless sleep.  
  
It was one of the first really nice days in mid-April that Otabek decided to go for a run after waking up later than usual. It was a Saturday so Otabek took his time by eating some fruit before going for his jog, filling one of his sports-bottles up with water before heading to the front-door.  
A look outside his window earlier had told him that here was barely any show left and that the pavement was dry again, meaning that it was probably alright for him to go outside in a warm hoodie.   
He was about to bend down and put his running-shoes on when his water-bottle, slippery from water-condensation Otabek hadn’t bothered to wipe off, slid from his fingers and rolled away and under his shoe rack.   
  
Now Otabek wasn’t big on fashion but one thing he cared about were nice shoes, meaning that it was a pretty big shelf his bottle had disappeared under. He owned several pairs of workout-and running shoes, a pile of muddy biker-boots and a collection of nice sneakers and polished men’s leather-boots for dressing up.   
Otabek cursed all of them as they rained down into his hallway while he tried to move the rack from the wall in order to get his bottle back.   
He felt slightly annoyed by the time he could finally put his arm between the shelf and his wall, crouching down to feel around the floor until he found what he was searching for. Dust collected beneath his fingertips and Otabek grimaced, contemplating if it would still make sense to go jogging as he had just turned his apartment into a mess. Maybe he should rather mop the dust away that had piled up down here and he was sure that there was a lot of sand now too where his shoes had fallen from the rack and onto the floor…then his fingers brushed against something small, something that was yielding against his touch.  
  
Instinctively, he pulled his hand back before realising that there was no spider this big, at least not in cold Russia this time of the year. It was more likely that something had just rolled under there, just like his bottle did.   
So Otabek reached back for it and pulled it out with his fingertips before dropping it on the floor he was kneeing on. Just a crumpled piece of paper, most likely trash. He left it for now and went back to fishing for his bottle, grimacing once more when he found that the wet surface was covered in dust and dirt. He would need to clean this before he dared to come anywhere near it with his mouth again.   
Standing up, he stepped over his shoe-labyrinth as he carried it back to the kitchen, talking the paper-piece along with him to throw it away while he was already at it. Dumping the bottle in the sink, he turned the faucet on to let the dust rinse away and wash his dirty hands, his fingertips were light-grey with the dirt that had collected there. He dried them before reaching back for the crumpled paper. Otabek was too much of a responsible person to just throw _anything_ away without checking first if it really wasn’t something important, like a bill or a notice from his landlord.   
  
As it turned out, it was just a flyer form a nearby Pizza place that Otabek had gotten delivery from a few times before. Well actually… it was the best Pizza place he ever discovered since moving here, his go-to place whenever he felt like treating himself … why had he wanted to throw that away?   
He tried to smooth the paper out again by pressing it flatly against the counter, straightening the wrinkles away as best as he could with his thumbs. He fully intended to put it back on his fridge but when he held it up against the light, he saw something shining through from the backside that made him stop. Curiosity got the better of him as he turned the flyer around and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion when he saw a oddly familiar handwriting on the back of it. He gave himself no time to chicken out of this by overthinking and started to read:  
  
  
_Beka,_

_It’s not easy for me to write this note and it’s even harder for me to just leave you behind like this. Maybe it’s the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I’m not good with words, or emotions, actually I’m not good at anything but knowing that I’ll leave you here to wake up alone hurts my chest from the inside like someone forced me to swallow acid and then puke it up again, repeatedly. You will be mad at me and you will probably don’t understand why but I heard what you said to me and believe me, it’s better if I go now. I always manage to fuck everything up but I don’t wanna fuck you up, you’re too good for that, too good for me. It would be incredibly selfish, wanting to keep you for myself, knowing that I could never give you back what you need. I don’t have time for you, there is so much going on right now that you don’t know of and it would be horrible and unfair of me to drag you into this too. You had enough of me being a mess already. God, I don’t know what I’m saying, all I know is that last night was beautiful and that I feel like leaving half of myself behind by leaving your bed, maybe even the most important parts of myself and I-_   
  
  
He wasn’t aware of it but while he was reading, his eyes widened with every word and his heartbeat picked up dramatically. The mess in his hallway, the run he had wanted to go on, all that was forgotten while Otabek read the note with the same suspired disbelieve as he had with the first one he found months ago. Despite being unfinished and missing a name at the bottom, Otabek new that the letter was from Yuri. He didn’t knew why but the morning Yuri had left him, he had written this letter before deciding against finishing it and starting anew, writing another one with a complete different message, leaving that one for Otabek behind to find. But why? Otabek was sure that Yuri had never planned for Otabek to find the unfinished letter but somehow, either by fate or coincidence, he had. Now he wouldn’t go as far as dare to hope that the first letter was real and the second, the one had received, was fake but he couldn’t deny that silly flutter of hope blooming in his chest.

_This was madness,_ Otabek told himself, _this wasn’t moving on and forgetting_. But it was already too late, the couldn’t forget the tender words he just read, couldn’t pretend that they sounded much less hollow and unbelieving then the ones from the other letter. They sounded so much more _Yuri_ … maybe this was just wishful thinking but he needed to know. Now he really deserved an explanation and this time, he would get one.   
  
Letter in hand and ignoring the mess in his hallway, he marched into the direction of his bedroom to change into jeans and his leather-jacket. He tried his best to not get up his hopes, to ignore the rapid flutter of his heart as he thought about actually facing Yuri again. They would talk, nothing more. This note didn’t mean that anything would go back to how it used to be between them. After all, Yuri had his reasons to get rid of the first note and leave another behind. Just because Otabek wanted the first one to be true didn’t meant that the words would magically turn so.   
  
But still… as he shoved his wallet and phone into his jacket, he couldn’t stop himself from analysing the sentences, it was like he heard the words echoing through his head in Yuri’s unforgotten voice _… it’s even harder for me to just leave you behind like this. Maybe it’s the hardest thing I will ever have to do…_ Otabek grabbed his keys and headed for the door _… knowing that I’ll leave you here to wake up alone hurts my chest from the inside like someone forced me to swallow acid…_ He slipped into the first pair of biker-boots he could get his hands on and reached for his helmet _… last night was beautiful and I feel like leaving half of myself behind by leaving your bed, maybe even the most important parts of myself…_ Otabek locked his door without paying much attention to it and rushed down the flight of stairs.   
  
Three minutes later he kicked the engine of his bike alive with a tremendous roar.

  
**xxx**   
  


Otabek had to force himself to not speed like a maniac, reminding himself that he couldn’t demand an explanation from Yuri if he managed to kill himself before he even reached his town. Yet he was impatient and it was torture to be alone with his thoughts. With nothing more to focus on than the streets ahead of him and the letter that seemed to burn a hole into the pocket of his leather-jacket.   
He had contemplated turning around and cancelling the whole thing at least three times but never actually parted from the familiar route. His decision was final. If only he could drive as fast as his heart was beating…  
  
It was late afternoon by the time he reached his destiny and a odd sense of melancholy overcame him as he slowed down to drive through the streets, seeing all the familiar places that hadn’t faded from his memory durning the last few months. It was like he had never been way and that bothered him somehow. How could everything go on as it was while his world had turned upside down?   
The closer he got to the Diner, the more nervous he felt. He was sure to meet Yuri there, it was Saturday after all and Yuri always took the busy shifts. When Otabek stopped his bike on the dusty parking lot, he felt like his his heart was about to jump up his throat and out of his mouth as soon as he would open it. His legs felt like jello too.   
What was he even supposed to say to Yuri? After everything that had happened, after all these months apart. Otabek wasn't good with words, god damn it! Maybe he should just slap the letter against Yuri’s chest as soon as he saw him and let him figure out that he demanded an explanation.   
  
Anxiously contemplating his options in the middle of the parking lot didn't longer seem very helpful to Otabek, so he decided to just get over and done with it before the stress made him physical sick.   
He walked up to the glass doors like he had a hundred times before and pushed through the entrance without hesitating. He had been right, it was very busy. Lots of guests, the sound of clattering cutlery and nagging children and tired-looking waitresses running from one end of the Diner to another, balancing trays and plates.   
Otabek got out of the way quickly and headed for a empty stool at the bar, eyes constantly searching for Yuri. But even minutes after arriving, Otabek couldn’t spot a single strand of blond hair. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion. _Why wouldn’t he be here? He was always here._  
  
It was another few minutes before a waitress approached him. About twice his age, annoyed looking and with dyed-red hair. „Hello I’m Rita, welcome. What can I get you?“ She sounded completely bored like she’d said that exact phrase a million times before.  
  
„I’m looking for Yuri.“ Otabek answered, giving her a small smile hoping that it would somehow help.  
  
„He’s not here.“ She said, completely unimpressed.  
  
 _Oh_. „He’s not? Do you know if he’ll come in later today? Does he have a later shift?“  
  
„I doubt it.“   
  
„What do you mean? Don’t you have a schedule here where you can see if he’s gonna come to work or not?“   
  
„Yeah we do but I still doubt he’s gonna come in. He hasn’t showed up for the past few days.“ Otabek was getting impatient and annoyed at her for not helping one bit.   
  
None of this made sense, Yuri wouldn’t just miss several days of work. „What? Is he not working here anymore?“  
  
„I have no idea. Like I said, he hasn’t showed up in a while so it’s up to the manager if he will let him keep his job. Maybe he’ll go easy on him considering the circumstances.“   
  
Now Otabek’s mouth went dry. „What circumstances?“   
  
The waitress, Rita, suddenly narrowed his eyes at him. „Listen honey as much as I’d like to gossip I have actual work to do. I already told you Yuri’s not here. So why don’t you order something? I don’t even know who you are.“   
  
„Please,“ Otabek said and heard the fear in his own voice, „I’m his friend, what happened?“   
  
Rita sighed, giving in. „You’re one fine friend that I have to tell you but that’s none of my business. I don’t know much either but I heard that his grandfather died a few days ago.“  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm putting you and the boys through a lot right now but bear with me please <3


	17. seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something to keep in mind for the next few chapters: I'm not a doctor and therefore my medical knowledge about drugs and illnesses is limited. I did some research and tried my best, so be nice about it if something seems majorly off. Or, you know, just ignore it because this is fanfiction after all. Enjoy reading :)

  
Fear was shooting like a fast venom through his veins, sprouted from deeply within his guts it quickly overtook bis body until it reached his heart, making it race against his ribcage in sheer panic.

 _Yuri_ …Otabek needed to find Yuri. Needed to make sure that he was okay…well not okay but safe at least. Nikolai had meant the world to him, Otabek knew that. Yuri had been raised by him, what was if he didn’t had anyone left? What was if he was all alone now?  
What had happened between them suddenly didn’t matter that much anymore, it could wait until later. For now, there were more important things, like getting to Yuri as fast as he could.  
  
Otabek couldn’t exactly remember how he had left the Diner and got on his Bike again but it couldn’t have taken longer than a few heartbeats. He reached the Plisetsky house in record time, gravel flying everywhere as he forcefully stepped on the brakes, almost laying his Bike down sideways in the dirt as he did so. The ball of anxiety in his chest wouldn’t loosen as Otabek looked at the familiar house, something was deeply unsettling about the sight, about the situation altogether.  
There wasn’t a sound to be heard as he walked up to the frontdoor, nothing had moved since his arrival .But once Otabek actually reached the door, he noticed the fist changes. The mailbox was overstuffed with letters and junk mail, news papers laid soggy on the ground because they hadn’t fit inside anymore. And a parade of pots and dish-wares coved by tinfoil surround the door, as well as a few rotten flowers. The confusing sight did nothing to lessen Otabek’s concern so he knocked quickly. After a few seconds again, louder. He rung the doorbell but nothing happened.  
  
His fear grew with every moment of that damn door staying closed. Under normal circumstances, one could assume that no one was home. But these weren’t normal circumstances and Otabek wouldn’t leave until he found Yuri or at least made sure that he wasn’t inside. He took a shaky breath and raked his hand through his hair, contemplating what to do. He knew that he needed to keep his head clear, if he wanted to help Yuri he couldn’t panic. So he took a few deep breaths to calm down and collect his thoughts. Then it hit him.  
Otabek practically jumped from the doorsteps and began searching through the messy garden until he found that ugly little dwarf. Remembering a night that seemed longer ago then it actually was, Y _uri’s bloodstained vodka-hair brushing his cheek as he had carried him home, the drunk boy clinging to his jacket like a baby-koala._  
If they hadn’t been damned from the very beginning, he would’ve said that this day had been the beginning of their end.  
  
Otabek shook the memory from his mind and got the spare-key out the hole at the bottom of the dwarf-figure, running back to the front door.He didn’t feel guilty for a second as he unlocked it, his only urge was to find Yuri and make sure that he was alright. The house was quiet, dust dancing through the air where the light fell in from the outside, there still wasn’t a sound to be heard as Otabek made his way down the hallway.  
  
The house wasn’t very big and so he didn’t had to look for long. He found Yuri in the living room, curled up on the old armchair Nikolai had sat in during Otabek’s last visit. He was staring blankly ahead on the muted TV, showing some kind of infomercials but Otabek could tell that Yuri wasn’t actually watching, his pupils weren’t following the movements on the screen.  
Yuri hadn’t turned his head to the door as he stepped inside the room and Otabek wasn’t sure if he had even heard him. He took the scene in front of him in carefully as he slowly came closer. The coffee table next to Yuri was a mess, littered in papers and letters, dirty mugs and bits and pieces. There was a ashtray overflowing with old cigarette-butts, crumpled packs next to it and crumbs of tobacco and ash all over the table. Along with a big bottle of vodka that was half empty.  
The air too, smelled stale and of cold smoke, as if no one had opened a window for while. Otabek swallowed his anxiety, stepping closer and into Yuri’s line of vision. With Otabek about an arms-length away from him, there was no way that he hadn’t noticed him but still, Yuri stayed unmoved.  
  
„Yuri?“ Otabek’s voice was laced with concern and it come out more shaky then gentle. His heart was racing against his ribcage. No reaction. As if he hadn’t heard him.  
  
Carefully, as if not trying to startle him, Otabek kneed down in front of the armchair to get closer to Yuri’s eye-level. „Yura?“ He tried again, staring at him impatiently for any kind of movement.  
  
When nothing happened, Otabek used the close proximity to _really_ look at the boy in front of him. And what he saw didn’t do anything to calm his worries. Otabek had thought that he had seen Yuri at his worst already. Drunk and crying, beaten up and emotionally drained. With smudged makeup and blood on his face and in his messy, knotted hair but his was different, scarier.  
Yuri had always been skinny but even with the way that he was currently curled up and hiding most of his body, Otabek could tell that he had lost weight. He saw it in the hollow of his cheeks, could tell by his dainty wrists. He looked pale and tired, sick almost. There was little to no colour to his cheeks or lips, later one bitten raw and chapped from healing again. There were deep purple shadows under his red-rimmed, glassy eyes and the look in them send a unpleasant shiver done Otabek’s spine.  
Those beautiful, usually sparking green ponds of mischief were now hollow and dull, numbly staring ahead into nothingness. Dried tears head glued Yuri’s lashes together, the faintest remains of eyeliner still clinging to them. It was clear that Yuri hadn’t take care of himself in a while, his hair was a mess of knots, it looked greasy and unwashed, missing its healthy shine. His clothes were dirty too, the light-blue jeans and loose shirt he wore were wrinkled and stained.  
  
„Oh Yura.“ Otabek sighed, his heart breaking at the sight.  
  
„Go away.“ It was barely more than a whisper, like Yuri hadn’t used his voice in a while or he was too weak to talk. „You’re not real.“  
  
Otabek’s eyebrows knotted together in surprise and confusion, he waited for Yuri to continue but the boy went silent again. „What do you mean?“ Otabek whispered urgently. „Of cause I’m real Yura, I’m here.“  
  
„No you’re not. I see grandpa too and he’s dead.“ His pale lips started to quiver. „You’re not here, you’re far far away. You’re out of reach.“ He didn’t need to speak loudly in oder for Otabek to hear the pain in his voice, tugging at his heartstrings.  
  
„You’re not seeing things, Yura. I’m here, I’m really here.“ Otabek reached out to gently touch his face, stroking his thumb over Yuri’s sharp cheekbone. At the contact, Yuri let out a gasp that turned into a sob as he pressed his eyes close.  
  
„Why would you be here?“ The _after everything that I did_ was a silent addition but Otabek heard it anyway.  
  
„I found your letter, the _unfinished_ one but that doesn’t matter for now. I wanted to talk to you and then I heard what happened…and I-I _needed_ to see you.“  
  
Yuri curled up even more, hugging his knees to his chest. „Quite the sight, aren’t I?“ Yuri said weakly but his voice lacked any emotion, he stared at Otabek with wide, teary eyes as if he still didn’t believe that the other man was really there.  
  
Something in Yuri’s eyes was deeply unsettling to Otabek, something beyond the reasonable pain and exhaustion considering the situation. It made Otabek nervous as he tried to figure out what was different about them and when he finally saw it, he couldn’t explain why he didn’t notice right away. Suddenly it was the most obvious thing about Yuri who lazily blinked at Otabek while he started to panic.  
  
_„Shit.“_ Otabek lunged forward to grab Yuri’s face and tilted his head up to get a better view. His pupils were strongly dilated, his eyes almost back with only a small ring of green left around them. Even in the light, they didn’t shrink back like they naturally should do, confirming Otabek’s assumption.

„Shit.“ He repeated again, „Yuri what did you do?“ He didn’t wait for an answer as his own eyes searched the room, falling quickly on the half-empty vodka and soon after, on a small bottle of pills. Otabek grabbed for them, the fact that it was still almost full only being a small relief when he read the sticker. Those were sleeping pills.  
  
Yuri slowly seemed to catch up with this train of thoughts as Otabek hauled him up into his arms, carrying him from the living room. „Beka you don’t need to look so scared, I took one, maybe two. I just wanted to sleep for a while.“ He slurred a bit as they went down the hallway. Yuri was almost weightless in Otabek’s arms, had he always been this light?  
  
„You can’t mix pills with alcohol Yura, are you crazy?“ Otabek had the suspicion that Yuri had drunk on a empty stomach too, meaning that the cocktail would affect him even more, lightweight that he was.  
  
He pushed the bathroom-door open with his shoulder as Yuri mumbled something that he couldn’t understand into his neck.  
Otabek kneed down on the cold tiles and reached for one single hair-tie that sat on a dusty counter, pulling Yuri’s hair into a messy ponytail and out of his face. Before the younger man could even realize what was going on, Otabek had already forced him over the open toilet and pushed his fingers into his mouth and down his throat.  
He held him down as Yuri fought and struggled against his grip, whimpering before he hunched over himself and Otabek moved his hand back to rub his shoulders while Yuri emptied the little that had been in his stomach. It was mostly liquid, like Otabek had suspected.  
  
The toilet flushed and Otabek helped Yuri up to wash his face but as soon as he turned around to reach for a towel, Yuri sunk back down onto the floor like all remaining strength had left him. He started to cry into his hands, one sob after another shaking his small frame. The high-pitched, choking sounds he made were unbearable to Otabek, like he was forced to watch a deadly-wounded animal writhing in pain.  
  
For a second he could only stare, frozen in place, then he sunk down to his knees just as Yuri whimpered out some words.„I’m sorry, I swear I didn’t mean to harm myself. I just wanted to sleep and I forgot about the vodka. I just wanted to sleep, I’m so tired, Beka…I swear I didn’t want to, I swear, I- _Beka_ …“ He cried his breath increasing the longer he tried to explain himself.  
  
Otabek pulled him into his arms, pressed him as closely against himself as he could „Shhh.“ He tried to hush him but heard his own voice was echoing through his head from just minutes ago while he had gripped Yuri against the back of his neck, holding his head down over he toilet. _Do you want to die, Yuri? Is that what you want?_ He had yelled, his deep voice reverberating from the bathroom-tiles.  
  
Otabek was shaking too as he kept his arms wrapped around Yuri, feeling the front of his shirt getting wet from his desperate tears. „I’m sorry, Yura. I didn’t mean to yell at you.“ He kissed his dirty hair, over and over again.  
  
„He’s dead,“ Yuri chocked out, gasping for air through his tears. „He’s dead, Beka.“ He sobbed and clung to Otabek with everything he had left. _I’m all alone_. Yuri thought, deaf to any of Otabek’s attempts to hush him.  
  
They sat on the cold tiles for what seemed like forever, wrapped around each other like scarred children.

  
**xxx**

 

Exhaustion finally managed to calm Yuri down enough that he stopped crying, leaving him leaning limply against Otabek’s chest. Otabek’s heartbeat had calmed down too, he had no idea if he had overreacted or just saved Yuri’s life but it didn’t matter as long as Yuri felt better again. His breathing had slowed down and he didn’t seem as numb or apathetic anymore, despite clearly being tired. Still, he would keep an eye on Yuri, there was no way he would leave him alone in this state of mind.  
  
When his tailbone went from prickling to painful from sitting on it for too long, Otabek decided that it was time to get up. He gathered Yuri in his arms to carry him once again and wasn’t met with any resistance from the younger man. The only sign of him noticing their movement was him wrapping hims arms about Otabek’s neck too as they left the bathroom.He brought Yuri to his bedroom, unfazed by the mess of clothes littering the floor. He simply stepped over them and placed Yuri on the bed carefully.

When he stepped back to pull the blanket over him, a small whisper reached his ears. „Where will you go now, Beka?“ It sounded uncertain, scared, nothing like the Yuri he had first met.  
  
Otabek looked back at him, into eyes of green, shattered glass. „Nowhere, I’ll stay here with you.“  
  
Yuri swallowed, accepting the blanket that was put over his narrow hips. „Why?“  
  
„Let’s talk about this later, okay? You look like you haven’t slept much recently.“  
  
„And you will stay?“  
  
„I will stay.“ Otabek nodded and sat down on the bedside to emphasise his words.  
  
Yuri blinked at him warily while he sunk into the pillows, then: „You can sleep too if you want.“  
  
Otabek took his words for what they were, a silent invitation and laid down next to Yuri, pulling him close. Maybe he was overstepping boundaries but he couldn’t help himself, he had missed him so much and now he was scared about him. About the mental and emotional state he was currently in. But Yuri didn’t seem to mind their closeness because he pushed himself further against Otabek’s chest and hid his face in the juncture of his neck.  
  
It didn’t took long until Yuri’s breathing evened out and he fell asleep but Otabek wasn’t tired. Even if he was, he wouldn’t dare falling asleep, too scared that the pills might still affect Yuri in his sleep. So he stayed awake and listened to Yuri’s soft breathing, lightly stroked his shoulder and neck with his thumb and ignored how his own arm slowly fell asleep.  
The situation was horrible and he knew that Yuri would not get over this easily but he couldn’t help but feel that this was right. Yuri laying in his arms felt right and good and he had no idea what he would do if he ever needed to let him go again.  
But worrying about their relationship wasn’t the most important thing right now, Otabek realized. Instead he should think about how he could help Yuri to get back on his feet and over his mourning, even if it would take time.  
  
Tomorrow was Sunday, meaning that he could easily stay with Yuri and after that, he would just call his boss and take some days off work. That should be fine too, he had more than enough free days left from when he had worked extra shifts in oder to distract himself from his heartbreak. So really, he only needed to convince Yuri to let him stay and help and then actually find ways to help instead of making things more complicated or painful for him.  
He made silent plans while Yuri slept and it was only when his stomach started to growl that he realised that quite some time must’ve past. One look at his phone proved that, yes, it was already late evening but Yuri still slept like a baby, knocked out from exhaustion.  
He decided to let him sleep as he carefully slid out from Yuri’s grip and off of the bed. Yuri shouldn’t think that Otabek just left him and broke his promise, so he shrugged his leather-jacket and put it together with his phone on the bed next to Yuri’s face. Should Yuri wake up now, he would know that Otabek couldn’t be far away.  
  
He tiptoed from the bedroom and left the door open, knowing that he would come back here every few minutes to check on the blonde anyway.  
When he came into the kitchen, he was greeted with even more pots and dishes but one look, or rather _smell_ of it told Otabek that whatever had been inside once wasn’t edible any longer. One after another he carried them out into the garden and put them next to the others. He would deal with them later.  
On his way back to the kitchen, he quickly checked on Yuri who was curled around his jacket, breathing calmly. A sad smile creeped onto Otabek’s lips at the sight, then he went to make some dinner. He really shouldn’t be surprised that the fridge wasn’t in a better state than Yuri or this house. It was mostly empty, save for some sauces and bottles, moldy bred and more leftovers that Otabek wasn’t brave enough to even open. There were yogurts and packets of cheese and meat but all of them were beyond expired. The most interesting thing in there was a pruney apple.  
Otabek closed the fridge with a sigh before he went back to collect his phone. He quickly googled some near takeout places to order food from, more than glad that he took his wallet with him.  
  
Then he used the time until their food would arrive to clean up a bit, starting with the fridge. He threw everything away that seemed like it could evolve into a new species at any time which left barely anything behind. He would need to get some groceries too but that could wait until later, it was already dark out anyways. Otabek brought the now full trash outside and came back to put some of the dirty plates and mugs into the dishwasher until he couldn’t fit any more in. One step after another.  
In the living room he pilled all the papers into one neat stack and put the TV-remote on top so they couldn’t fly away when he opened the window to let some air in. Then he emptied the ashtray and when his eyes fell on the sleeping-pills again, he took the bottle and flushed every last one down the toilet.

By the time that the food arrived he had managed to clean most of the trash up and moved the remaining dirty dishes into the kitchen. It was a bit awkward though, as the delivery-boy almost stumbled over all the pots by the front-door when handing the bags to Otabek so he made sure to give him a gracious tip in return, before placing the food on the now mostly empty coffee-table in the living room.  
He wasn’t sure if he should wake Yuri up. On one hand, Yuri was very exhausted and emotionally drained, needing all the rest he could get. On the other, he probably hadn’t eaten properly in a while too and was sleeping for a few hours by now. Otabek decided to try his luck and went to wake him up.  
  
Sitting on the bedside once again, Otabek gently brushed the strands of hair back that had fallen into his face. „Yuri.“ He tried it again a few seconds later, louder and while running his fingers over his jaw. „Yuri, wake up.“  
  
Snuggling further into the pillows and grunting while doing to, was the only sign that Yuri might’ve heard him.  
  
„Hey I ordered some food, you should eat something.“

Yuri shook his blond mob of hair and refused to open his eyes.  
  
„I could bring you some? You don’t have to get up if you don’t want to.“ Otabek tried again to pursue him.  
  
„I’m tired.“ Came the weak excuse.  
  
„You need to eat something, Yura.“  
  
„I’m not hungry.“ Yuri answered and disappeared beneath his blanket, taking Otabek’s jacket with him.  
  
Otabek sighed and stood up. Fine, for now Yuri’s gotten his will but he wouldn’t give up. He had ordered enough to feed a small army and somehow, he would manage to get some solid food into Yuri too, he just needed to figure out how.  
  
„Will you at least drink a bit of water if I get you some?“ Otabek asked the blanked-pile that was Yuri and got a muffled hum in return that could have meant anything, really. Still he went and got a big glass of water, putting it on Yuri’s bedside-table. „It’s on your nightstand, drink it please.“  
  
Then he went to get himself something to eat from the takeout-bags and took it outside to the backyard.  
Sitting on one of the old plastic chairs in Yuri’s garden while he ate, he wished that he could pretend that it was last summer again. But it was too dark and a bit chilly outside, no cicadas were to be heard in the grass and Yuri wasn’t sitting in his lap, his skin smelling like sunshine and citrus body-wash mixed with sweat.  
Instead it was just Otabek sitting out here because he felt weird eating alone in a dead-man’s house without Yuri keeping him company at least. There was no summer-breeze yet and Otabek got back inside as soon as he finished, putting the rest of the leftovers into the fridge.  
  
When he peaked into Yuri’s room, the glass on the nightstand was empty despite the duvet-lump in the middle of the bed that seemed to have swallowed Yuri whole. Otabek took it as a small victory and headed for, what he presumed was Yuri’s bathroom. Inside he stumbled over more clothes on the floor and somehow got glitter on his hand after grabbing onto the counter to balance himself. Yes, definitely Yuri’s bathroom.  
Otabek contemplated whether or not a joke about fairy dust would cheer Yuri up when he got back to him while he had a look through his bathroom-cabinets.  
Now Otabek usually wouldn’t snoop around someone else’s stuff but he’d rather find out sooner than later if Yuri had another bottle of heavy pills laying around. To his relief, he didn’t and even better, Otabek found a unused toothbrush from an ripped open double-pack. It was bright-pink but he didn’t care a single bit as he brushed his teeth. Tomorrow was Sunday after all and he didn’t knew if any stores were open around here then. And not brushing his teeth for two days seemed like a experience he’d rather not make, if possible.

Cloths would be a problem though, his jeans he could wear for a while but Otabek doubted that Yuri’s underwear would fit him. Socks maybe, a shirt too if he was lucky. It would have been easy to just borrow some cloths from Nikolai but it didn’t feel right and Otabek had no idea how Yuri would react to that, so he didn’t.  
  
The Yuri-lump didn’t move as Otabek came back into the bedroom so he stepped over the scattered clothes on the floor and went over to the wardrobe. He was hit by another pile of cloths falling into his face as he opened the doors, inhaling a deep breath of laundry soap and Yuri’s scent. Trying to not mix the dirty with the clean cloths, Otabek pushed them back onto the shelves as good as he could before searching for something that seemed like it could fit over his boarder shoulders.  
  
Usually Otabek would get into bed in only his boxers or sweatpants but with the unresolved questions about their relationship between them, Otabek wasn’t sure if he would make Yuri uncomfortable if he climbed half-naked into his bed. So he decided to sleep with his shirt one but that meant either wearing the same cloths tomorrow during the day again or finding something else to wear.  
Luck was on his side was Yuri seemed to have a thing for big, oversized shirts. Most of them seemed old and faded, like sleeping or lounging-around clothes. Some even had a few holes or paint-staines on them but they would do for now.  
Otabek had the fabulous choice of choosing between black metal-band shirts, pastel shirts with stripes and cartoon-fruits or a pile of hideous ones full of animal prints and offensive sayings across the chest. Maybe he could lure a smile out of Yuri by wearing one of them tomorrow but for now he would sleep in his own clothes.  
  
Otabek undressed himself save for his boxers and shirt and climbed into Yuri’s bed, wondering if Yuri would still want him here or if he should’ve slept on the couch instead. His silent pondering was answered when the corner of the duvet got lifted up by pale fingers and Otabek scooted over and beneath the blanket, joining Yuri inside his dark nest.  
There was a tickle of long hair against his forearm and warm breath ghosting over the thin fabric of his shirt before he felt Yuri resting his head on his stomach. It was way too warm to stay under the duvet like this and against his naked legs, Otabek could feel that Yuri was still wearing his jeans but they still fell asleep like this.

 

 **xxx**  


Otabek woke again before the sun was even properly up. Faint blue light and morning fog was falling into the room and onto the rumpled sheets of the empty bed beside him. Yuri was gone.  
The irony of the situation wasn’t lost on Otabek and woke cruel memories before the blurry haze of sleep even had a chance to disappear from his eyes. One look at his phone told him that it wasn’t even 7 yet and the open bathroom-door suggested that Yuri hadn’t gone for a quick pee either. Knowing that Otabek wouldn’t be able to fall asleep again without figuring out what was going on, he left the bed too and went to search Yuri, still rubbing the sleep from his tired eyes.  
  
It was like having a Déjà-vu. Otabek found him in the living room, curled up on the armchair, hugging himself. Smoke was curling up towards the ceiling from a abandoned cigarette leaning against the ashtray Otabek had emptied last night. The only difference was that the room was much tidier than yesterday, especially the table and even Otabek was somewhat prepared for the sight. That and the fact that the half-empty Vodka bottle he had forgotten to clean away last night, was now much emptier than before.  
  
Once more, Otabek sat down in front of Yuri and the armchair, searching his face. „It’s 7am Yuri, bit early for a drink, isn’t it?“ He asked gently despite worry rising up his throat like bitter bile. If Yuri continued to drink all this meals from now on they had a much bigger problem than originally thought.  
  
„It was still dark when I started.“ Yuri mumbled as he blinked at Otabek. At least he hadn’t lost his humour although Otabek didn’t feel like laughing.  
  
„You’re scaring me, Yura.“ He said because he didn’t knew what else to say. „Your grandpa wouldn’t have wanted this either.“  
  
Yuri’s light eyebrows furrowed and he pouted like a little child. „He’s dead, he can’t tell me what he would have wanted or not.“  
  
„But I’m not dead.“ Otabek said a bit louder and looked at him intensely. „And you knew your grandpa damn well. You know this isn’t what he would’ve wanted. You’re just ignoring it.“  
  
Yuri bit his lips as his eyes became moist. „I don’t wanna scare you. You’re doing so much for me.“ He whispered, avoiding Otabek’s eyes.  
  
„Stop drinking, okay?“ Otabek asked.“Please Yuri, promise me.“  
  
Yuri nodded weakly.  
  
„I mean it, promise me. No more drinking, no more drugs. Nothing that could harm your health, promise me.“ His voice was getting louder but it was important that Yuri could hear him through the haze of grief and alcohol that had nested in his head.  
  
„I promise.“  
  
Otabek stood up and held out his hand. „Give me the bottle.“ Yuri slowly sat up, reached for the Vodka and handed it to him. „Now you.“ Otabek said and held out his other hand for Yuri. Who took it and stumbled immediately. Otabek caught him.  
  
„I’m guess I’m a bit tipsy.“ He admitted quietly.  
  
Otabek said nothing, only supported his weight as Yuri leaned against him heavily while they slowly made their way towards the bathroom. There, he helped Yuri to sit down on the edge of the bathtub before the went over to the sink where he poured the remaining Vodka down the drain. The empty bottle made a clicking sound as Otabek put it down on the porcelain surface.  
  
He turned around to look at Yuri, who was watching him with watery eyes and raw-bitten lips. „Don’t look at me like that.“ He whispered almost pleadingly.  
  
„How am I looking at you?“ Otabek asked.  
  
„Like you don’t know what to do with me. Like you’ve never seen such a mess before.“ He bit his lips again and looked down to his naked toes instead.  
  
Otabek had to swallow. When he was younger, his mother used to own a beautiful figure made of crystal, which shone and shimmered in all colors when the sunlight fell on it. Golden, light blue, pink…it was heavy to lift up but the edges were sharp beneath Otabek’s small finger tips, he remembered. It was a dancing pair, a man with a hat who had his arms around a woman in a dress with a big, swinging skirt. His mother loved this figure, it had been a gift from Otabek’s dead father and she reminded him over and over again to be very careful with it, to best not lift it.  
One day, he couldn’t exactly remember how, his little sisters played hide and seek across the house and ran from each other whenever they got caught, shrieking and laughing and not looking where they went. Something got knocked over and he remembered hearing the shattering sound of glass breaking onto tiled floor from rooms away. When he came looking, his sister was crying. The dancing pair was in a million glass pieces on the ground, still glinting and shimmering in the light but beyond broken. A devastating sight really. His mother understood that it was an accident and didn’t got mad but she still looked so sad and disappointed.  
  
Looking at Yuri now, reminded Otabek of a million broken pieces of something that used to be beautiful and the deep grieve in his mothers eyes that was more than simple sadness over a lost souvenir.

What was he supposed to say? That he was scared too? That no, he wasn’t sure what he was doing here ? The only thing he knew for sure, was that he wouldn’t leave Yuri alone with this.  
  
„We will figure it out, together. We will figure it all out.“ Otabek said and stepped closer to Yuri.  
  
„I don’t even know where to start.“ He snorted without any humour.

„But I do. Your clothes have more spots than a leopard. You desperately need a shower.“  
  
Yuri blinked slowly at him. „Yeah, okay.“ He attempted to stand up and stumbled again, hitting his wrist against the wall as he searched for purchase. Otabek caught him before he could slip and hit his head against the tiles. „Or not,“ Yuri slurred ,“sorry.“  
  
He wasn’t outright drunk but still tipsy enough that Otabek didn’t trust him with slippery soap and hard floors on his own. He guided Yuri back down to sit on the edge of the bathtub again before the reached for the tap and turned on the warm water. The tub was a bit grimy too, like the rest of the house and so Otabek let the water rinse most of the dust away before he plugged the drain to let it fill up completely. He even dumped a bit a bit of body-wash under the running water to create some bubbles. The smell of lemon and basil filled the air as the mirrors fogged over.  
  
Otabek turned back to Yuri, reaching for the hem of his shirt before their eyes met and suddenly he felt like he hadn’t thought this through properly. „Is this alright with you? Can I…?“ Otabek asked, unsure how to end his sentence.  
  
„Nothing you haven’t seen before, right?“ Yuri asked in return, his voice just was quiet.

„Right.“ Otabek said and lifted Yuri’s shirt up, helping him out of it. Now wasn’t the right time to think about how much he’d missed Yuri’s naked body against his own. Now was the time to take care of Yuri because he couldn’t do so himself in his grief. _Get a grip, Otabek. He can barely stand on his own, you’re the last thing he’s thinking about._  
That sobered Otabek up and he dropped Yuri’s filthy shirt to the ground. He supported Yuri as he stood up again to unbutton his jeans and helped pulling the tight fabric down his skinny legs as he sat down again. His underwear joined the pile on the floor without so much as a glance from Otabek at Yuri who was completely bare now, waiting for the tub to be filled entirely. Otabek turned the tab off and reached through the mountain of white foam until his fingertips dipped into the water, which was very warm but not scalding hot, meaning that he wouldn’t have to worry about slow-cooking Yuri like a lobster.  
  
Helping Yuri into the bathtub was a bit awkward and his own shirt got wet as Yuri slipped and Otabek had to hold him up so he wouldn’t dive under water. Yuri himself, had his eyes closed most of the time and let himself be moved around like a puppet, either too drunk and tired, or too mentally exhausted to care. Or maybe, just maybe, he trusted Otabek enough to take over completely.  
Yuri sat wit his knees drawn up to his chest, cheek leaning against the side of the tub and didn’t make a sound as Otabek moved around to collect a clean towel and shampoos, tossing the dirty clothes into a hamper while he was already at it.  
For a while Otabek sat with him on the edge of the tub and watched how the small hairs at the nape of his neck curled where they had gone wet but when Yuri didn’t make a move to do anything besides soaking and drifting in and out of consciousness, Otabek realized that it was really up to him to take care of Yuri.  
  
Suddenly feeling a bit nervous, he started with something easy, like his hair. It was a nest of knots and desperately needed a wash. Carefully to not startle Yuri, Otabek used the shower-head to slowly get it wet without spraying Yuri in the face and then used way too much shampoo to get it clean again. There was foam everywhere and it was a task itself to stop it from running down Yuri’s forehead and into his eyes but Otabek managed as he thoroughly massaged the soap into his hair without tugging at it. Hopefully getting rid of all the grease and tangles at once. Just as carefully, he rinsed the shampoo out again with warm water and reached for a bottle of conditioner. There were still big knots in the blond mane and Otabek hoped to loosen them up like this.  
  
„Are you okay with this?“ Otabek whispered when he was done with Yuri’s hair. It would need to get brushed through but it already looked so much better.

„Yeah.“ Yuri mumbled and Otabek reached for a washcloth which he lathered in body-wash before running it over his neck and shoulders, down his arms and back up to his chest. Then he rubbed the soap over Yuri’s knees and legs, before he gently pushed them back into the water, causing Yuri to give up his shield so he could reach more of his body. He gave Yuri some time to cover himself up again if he wanted to, while Otabek took his time to soap his back, eying his boney spine with worry as he did so. But Yuri didn’t hide himself again and while he kept his eyes closed and seemed mostly absent-minded, he still moved when Otabek needed him to and gave him space to wash his skin.  
Slowly, Otabek moved his hand to his waist and then under the water to his hips, over his lower stomach and to the juncture of his leg. Over his thighs and between them, all while concentrating on the main task: getting Yuri clean. He moved the washcloth to Yuri’s calves and ankles and tried to resist the urge to look up and see if Yuri was looking at him while he turned his body slowly and spread his legs to make things easier for Otabek.  
  
The water was getting lukewarm and he foam disappeared while Yuri’s skin became rosy and clean. Otabek put the washcloth away and used the shower-head once more to rinse any remaining soap off Yuri before pulling at the plug, listening how the water slowly drained with gargling sounds.  
  
Helping Yuri out of the bath was more complicated than getting him in, now that he was wet and the draining soap beneath him made it more likely for him to slip. Otabek had wanted to wrap him in a towel immediately but he needed both hands to hold Yuri, so he just ended up dropping the towel and pulling him into his arms and against his chest, naked and wet as he was.  
There was water dropping form Yuri’s hair onto the tiles and there was foam on his bare thighs. If he wouldn’t fear for Yuri to get cold, Otabek would’ve never let go of him again. Instead he reached out for the towel he dropped and wrapped it around the boy in his arms, before siting him down on the closed toilet-seat and getting another one for his hair.

Yuri looked at him when he turned back around. „Thank you.“ His eyes were still a disaster, red-rimmed, glassy and with violet shadows beneath them but he looked so much better then before, Otabek noticed as he patted his hair with the smaller towel to get it dry.  
  
„Can you hold this?“ He asked Yuri instead of answering and gave him his own hairbrush before scooping him back up and carrying him to his room where he sat him down on the bed. Yuri played with the bristles while Otabek went over to his closet and pulled a few things out.  
  
„Can I borrow a shirt?“ He asked, gesturing to his own that clung wetly to his chest.  
  
Yuri sat in his towel and watched him with tired eyes. „Yeah, take whatever.“  
  
Otabek put on a band-shirt and placed his own over a chair to dry, then he took some clothes over to Yuri who attempted to crawl beneath the duvet again in nothing more than a moist towel. He tugged the duvet out of reach and grabbed Yuri by the ankle to pull him back towards the bed’s edge.  
  
„Where do you think you’re going?“ Otabek asked. „We need to tame your nest first.“ He gently tugged on a wet strand of Yuri’s hair and ignored the pout.  
  
„I’m tired.“ Yuri mumbled.  
  
„I’ll be quick, then you can sleep.“ Otabek promised and held up clean shirt for Yuri to wear. The towel fell down to Yuri’s hips as he raised his arms and slipped into the clothing. Otabek then kneed down and took Yuri’s ankles one after another, lifting them up as he pulled a small pair of boxers up his skinny legs. Mid-thigh Yuri took over and Otabek looked away as he lifted his hips to get them up all the way. He collected the wet towels and brought them back to the bathroom quickly before Yuri could fall asleep on him.  
  
„Do you want any pants? Socks?“ He asked when he returned, reaching for the hairbrush.  
  
„No.“ Yuri said and scooted back on the bed, making space for Otabek who sat down behind him. He had watched his mother combing his sisters long hair often enough so he figured that he could manage Yuri’s shorter mane as well. They stayed quiet as Otabek worked on the tangles, save for a few small yelps from Yuri whenever the brush got caught on a very resistive knot.  
  
„Sorry.“ Otabek said and gently brushed his fingers through Yuri’s slowly drying hair in a apology.  
  
„It’s okay. It’s my fault that it’s so unruly anyway, if it weren’t for you I probably would have had to cut it all off sooner or later.“ The thought alone hurt, Otabek knew how much Yuri liked his hair. He usually treated it with utmost care, had even taught himself how to braid it. _Usually._  
  
Otabek put the brush on one of the nightstands when he could run his fingers through Yuri’s hair without getting stopped by a tangle. „Can we sleep now?“ Yuri asked, already crawling over to his pillow.  
  
The sun was up now but it was still awfully early for a Sunday morning and Otabek couldn’t pretend like he wasn’t at least a little bit sleepy too. He crawled after Yuri and took the duvet with him. „Whatever you need.“  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The beautiful art at the end of the chapter was made by my angel Ula, you can find her [here so please give her some love and check out her blog/art](https://ulablah.tumblr.com/) Thank you again baby


	18. eighteen

  
  
When Otabek woke up, he knew that he couldn’t have slept for very long as he still felt tired and the sun, outside the window, had barely wandered. He guessed that a few hours had passed at most, so it had to be around late morning, maybe early midday. This time Yuri was still next to him, he could feel his head laying against his chest and he drew patterns onto Otabek’s bare stomach with his fingertips where his shirt had ridden up.   
He must’ve moved unconsciously because Yuri turned his head slightly without raising it and looked at him, his pale fingers continued to dance in circles over darker skin.  
  
Yuri looked at him with wide eyes that still looked exhausted but less glassy, almost mindful even. They were incredibly bright and beautiful in the daylight that fell through the window and Otabek’s heartbeat sped up. He wondered if Yuri could hear it from where he had his ear pressed against his chest.  
  
„Hey.“ Otabek rasped out, voice still rough from sleep. He was hyperaware of Yuri’s fingers against his lower stomach and the intensity in his red-rimmed eyes. Tension was flooding into the room like sunlight.  
  
„Hey.“ Yuri whispered back, steadily continuing to lightly stroke his fingers over Otabek’s hips until the later one could feel the hairs on his arms stand up as he got goosebumps from it.  
  
„Why aren’t you sleeping?“  
  
„I couldn’t.“ Yuri’s voice was still uncharacteristically quiet. He hadn’t said a single loud thing since Otabek had arrived. Not even cursed or screamed properly. „I tossed and turned, drifted in and out of sleep for a while but there was no use.“ Yuri shifted, his fingers slipped from Otabek’s stomach as he moved up the bed until his face was closer to Otabek’s.  
  
„You’ve got a lot of things on your mind?“ Otabek asked, mouth suddenly dry.  
  
Yuri nodded. „I wish I could forget about everything for a while. Everything has been horrible.“  
  
Otabek hummed and his hand wandered into Yuri’s hair without his permission. It was soft again after washing it. „I’m so sorry, Yura.“   
It was a useless thing to say but he was still half asleep and what else could he have said? Yuri wasn’t an idiot, he wouldn’t believe in hollow promises that were nothing but pointless tries to cheer him up.  
  
„Do you remember last summer?“ Yuri suddenly asked.  
  
Now Otabek could feel a lump forming in his throat. „Yuri…“  
  
„I wish we could go back there again. I wish I had never…“ There were tears glistening in Yuri’s eyes and Otabek’s hand slipped from Yuri’s hair onto his cheek, ready to wipe them away should they fall.  
  
The memories made Otabek’s heart clench too but not as much as the sight of pain flickering across Yuri’s face. „Yuri I-„  
  
He never got to finish his sentence because Yuri simply shook his head and then leaned down to kiss Otabek by pressing is hot, dry lips onto his.  
  
There wasn’t a second of hesitation before Otabek kissed him black, his hand slipping around Yuri’s neck to pull him closer as he opened his mouth. Any willpower he might had possessed was powerless against the burning urge to be close to Yuri like this again and so he threw all caution into the wind and allowed himself a moment to not think but only feel.   
Yuri tasted faintly like mint, _toothpaste_ , he must’ve gotten up at one point to brush his teeth and the thought that he had taken care of himself again, made Otabek oddly happy.

Together they sunk back into the pillows and Otabek kissed Yuri with a slow desperation that told him without words how much he had missed him. So much that some days, he had felt like loosing his mind. So much that that other days, he would have gladly gave his sanity away if that only meant getting him back.   
When they kissed like this, it was easy to forget about everything else. The time they had spend apart, that awful first letter and the second note he just found. The unanswered questions between them, Nikolai and how Yuri would deal with his death. For a moment none of those things existed as Yuri opened Otabek’s mouth with his and slipped his tongue inside. His hands were somewhere next to Otabek’s head and his hair tickled his cheeks and neck as they kissed, smelling wonderfully like shampoo and _Yuri._

Otabek realized that he was party trapped under the duvet when he couldn’t move his legs and he tried to kick it away without somehow hitting Yuri. With the sunlight coming through the window, Yuri half on top of him and the blanket that was still tangled around him, everything was quickly getting too hot. Heat on Yuri’s lips. Heat that started to grow in his lower stomach the longer they kissed. It was a bit much, a bit overwhelming.  
  
It took him a lot of willpower to pull away from Yuri and when he opened his eyes he was met with Yuri’s confused ones. They blinked at each other while trying to catch their breaths, then Yuri leaned forward again, only to be stopped by Otabek who put his hands on his cheek.  
  
„Yuri wait.“  
  
„Why?“  
  
There were a million reasons why, Otabek knew that but he couldn’t think of a single one as he looked into Yuri’s stormy eyes. He stroked his thumb over Yuri’s cheekbone as he searched for words. „I don’t know what’s going on inside of your head and that scares me. You’re doing things…that aren’t good for you and I don’t-„  
  
He couldn’t finish this sentence either because Yuri cut him off with another kiss, despite Otabek’s efforts to hold him back. He kissed him hard and quick, then pulled back.  
  
„This isn’t why I’m doing this.“ Yuri whispered, so close that his breath was hitting Otabek’s lips. „You’re not like those things, you’re good for me. I mean…I know I have no right to ask this of you but I-I…“ he swallowed, looking like he wanted to say something he couldn’t get out, „I _need_ you. Beka, I really need you now.“ Yuri was blushing a little at his own words but there was a different kind of desperation in his eyes now, and fear. Otabek wanted to see neither in them.  
  
What Yuri had said didn’t made much sense. Especially with both letters Otabek had found but was that important now? Yuri wanted him and he wanted Yuri. Their reasons might be different, might be questionable but Otabek’s heart was racing so fast that his thoughts could barely keep up.  
  
_I’d do everything for you,_ Otabek wanted to say but hadn’t he once accused Yuri of taking everything that Otabek offered without giving back?   
No wonder he did that if Otabek gave himself over without any barriers. How was Yuri supposed to know where to start and where to stop if Otabek never told him?   
And then again, hadn’t Yuri been all around him from the very beginning? Inside of him and under his skin? Was there even any part of him that Yuri hadn’t at least unknowingly touched?  
No, Yuri had never asked for Otabek’s everything and yet, Otabek had been beside himself when he realized that too, and furthermore, noticed that Yuri hadn’t given him his everything in return. Wasn’t that a lot of pressure to put on someone as fragile as Yuri?  
  
„And what if I am the one that needs you?“ Otabek asked and he was scared as hell to hear the answer.  
  
In the past, whenever he had taken things from Yuri, he had scared him off. And the one time he had gave him his everything, he had lost parts of himself too. They would never work out if they didn’t meet in the middle. They needed to take and give on equal parts. _Maybe_ then they had a chance.  
  
„Then maybe it can be summer again.“ It wasn’t a forever, it wasn’t a solution but for now, it was a beginning.  
  
He had no idea if they were about to complicate things further but he had missed him too much to resist any longer. This time it was Otabek that kissed Yuri, leaning up to catch his lips and pulling him back down with him, pushing his hands back into sunshine-hair. Yuri gasped against his mouth before he responded to the kiss, licking into Otabek’s mouth cautiously. Then he moved his thigh over Otabek’s hip and so he was fully on top of him, holding onto his shoulders while he opened his mouth for Otabek, inviting him back in.  
  
They were kissing like they had never parted, there was no awkwardness, no hesitation. And at the same time, it was noticeable that they did spend time away from each other because they also kissed like they had to make up for the wasted time and show each other how much they missed the other one, how much they wanted them now. But the chemistry between them was still the same when they melted against each other. Where Yuri pulled, Otabek pushed and where Otabek moved, Yuri responded. The kiss was hot but the slide of their tongues was slow and their hands stayed above the waistline, for now.  
  
Kissing Yuri did things to Otabek. Made him take in deep breaths as if he was standing on top of a big mountain where he was rapidly inhaling fresh air after escaping the thick smog of a city. Made him dizzy and got his heartbeat to speed up as if he was about to spread his arms and let himself fall forward, off the edge of said mountain.  
  
Otabek wrapped his arms tighter around Yuri and sat up slightly, pulling him up with him until he was sitting against the bed’s headboard with Yuri in his lap. They didn’t break their kiss once and Otabek let his hands wander over Yuri’s back and his prominent spine, up to his angular shoulder-blades and then around where there was hardly any flesh over his collarbones and he could count his ribs with his fingertips. He didn't like it. Otabek wasn’t going to pull away from Yuri because of it but he didn’t like it.   
He still wanted Yuri, still thought that he was the most beautiful person he ever saw but what he could feel, was a sign that Yuri wasn’t feeling good, that his grief was affecting his body that was already thin to begin with. It was another thing Otabek would need to keep an eye on.  
  
Later though, for now he got distracted by Yuri’s hands on him, in his hair and against his neck. Fingers that were tracing over his jawline and cheeks in a way that made him wonder if Yuri maybe missed him just as much. They were pressed together from hip to chest so Otabek didn’t miss a single heartbeat of Yuri that pounded through his shirt, caught every breath with his mouth and felt it when Yuri got hard against him, his own arousal more than evident to the other man since he was sitting on it.  
But when Yuri started to move his hips, grinding himself against him, Otabek still pulled away from their kiss while trying to ignore the pleasure that shot through him. His hands slipped down to Yuri’s hips where he tried to hold him still.  
  
„Yuri, wait. Are you sure?“ He sounded breathless and the small confused noise Yuri made when he had pulled away, was still ringing through his ears.   
  
He might got a hold of Yuri’s hips but Yuri’s hands still moved freely, digging into his upper-arms and flying up to hold him against his neck and face, slipping into his hair again. Their foreheads were touching while they panted against each others lips and Yuri’s hot breath against his wet mouth didn’t make it easier for Otabek to wait until he got an answer. Yuri himself wasn’t making things easier either, he tried to move under Otabek’s iron grip and leaned forward to kiss his jaw, licking over his neck.  
  
„Beka,“ he panted into his ear, touching his earlobe with his lips, „I need you. Only you, _please_.“  
  
Otabek groaned and Yuri took the opportunity to gently bite into the sensitive skin right below his ear. Otabek’s grip around his hips tightened and it must’ve hurt because the little bit of round flesh that he loved to burry his fingers in was gone. But Yuri didn’t complain, didn’t flinch. He was clinging to Otabek like he was drowning, trying to kiss him with his very last breath.  
  
„Beka.“ Yuri murmured again as he kissed his way from Otabek’s ear over his cheek and back to the corner of his mouth.   
And Otabek knew that this wouldn’t magically fix things between them, knew that he wouldn’t just start to trust Yuri again even if he didn’t leave him in bed again like he had last time but still, the urge to give in was stronger. Everything else could wait.  
  
He turned his head and met Yuri’s lips where they had lingered on the corners of his mouth, liking over them gently before he pushed his tongue back inside Yuri’s mouth. He loosened the grip around his hips too and pushed his fingers under the hem of Yuri’s shirt instead, pushing it up and taking it off Yuri like he hadn’t been the one to put it on him just mere hours ago. Yuri lifted his arms and the clothing landed somewhere behind them on the ground while they went back to kissing. The only sounds to be heard were the wet sounds of their lips, their increasing breaths and the small rustle of sheets as Yuri started to move his hips again, rolling his ass down against Otabek’s crotch. Small gasps and little moans followed.  
They parted again when it was Otabek’s turn to lose his shirt, leaving both boys in nothing but their boxers while their kisses got faster and more heated. The next time Yuri leaned down, Otabek pushed against his shoulder-blades until he fell fully against his chest and held him close as he rolled them over, swallowing Yuri’s squeak of surprise.  
  
When he pulled away again, he did it so he could look at Yuri. Golden hair messily spread over the pillows, bright eyes looking up at him like he was the centre of the universe. At least that was what he liked to imagine as he hovered over the man he loved, feeling his thighs firmly against his own hips.  
Yuri was so beautiful that looking at him was almost painful and so he closed his eyes again and sunk lower to kiss him again. Putting most of his weight on the boy beneath him, pressing him into the mattress and feeling as much of his skin as he was allowed to. He hummed against Yuri’s lips when he could feel him trace his fingers from his neck over his shoulders, running down his back until he reached his hips before sliding over his waist and back to his rips with a gentleness that didn’t match his impatient kiss.  
  
Otabek knew that he was doomed, he felt himself falling deeper in love with Yuri with every little breathy moan, with the quick flutter of the blond’s pulse beneath his fingertips and the smell of his warm skin, with the way the moved his fingers through Otabek’s hair and the fact that, whenever he looked up at him with his gleaming eyes, Otabek felt something big and meaningful swell inside his chest. Something that was too overwhelming to put into simple words.  
  
He gently bit into Yuri’s lower lip, rolled it between his teeth and slightly tugged before he released it, moving down to kiss along Yuri’s jaw and neck, sucking at the fair skin as his mouth traveled over it. He loved he way Yuri dug his nails into his shoulders and breathed out in gasps, his pulse was fluttering against his tongue as he licked over it and Otabek shoved his hands between Yuri and the mattress to pull him closer against him. Closer against his mouth.

With his own heart racing and his blood running hot, Otabek kissed down Yuri’s shoulders and chest, coaxing the first loud moan out of him as he started to lick and suck at his small nipples. Biting them lightly so Yuri arched off the bed and into his arms. It was a feeling Otabek quickly got drunk on. And while he more than appreciated Yuri’s restless hands roaming over his own body, his main focus was on Yuri and he way he moved beneath Otabek and responded to his touches and kisses. He shuffled down the bed at the same pace he kissed down his body, pressing his lips all over his skin and leaving bites behind like a map.  
He wrapped his hands around Yuri’s thighs by the time he reached the waistband of his briefs with his mouth and dug his fingers into the flesh there, before looking up at Yuri who was looking back at him with wild eyes, biting his lips. He had propped him himself up on his elbows to watch Otabek, his hair one messy halo around his head. Otabek pressed a single lingering kiss directly onto the flat stomach beneath Yuri’s navel before continuing.  
  
They held eye contact when Otabek slipped his fingers beneath his remaining clothing and slowly pulled it down his slim hips until Yuri could kick it from his ankles and down the bed. Not longer able to resist, Otabek’s eyes dropped as well and he felt his own heat throb between his legs when he looked at Yuri. Naked and hard beneath him, glistening wet with want.  
Otabek leaned down to lick it away from Yuri’s tip and with a moan, Yuri’s elbows gave out beneath him and he fell back down against the bed while Otabek took him in his mouth, licking him slowly up and down. Yuri squirmed beneath him and Otabek felt his hands returning to his hair while he worked his head up again down, sucking harder whenever Yuri tugged on it.   
Eventually Otabek pulled off again and ignored Yuri’s whine, turning his attention to the tender insides of his thighs instead, sucking deep bites into the skin there that earned him more moans that were half protest, half surrender. He knew that Yuri liked that, he himself had told him so.

The lust that was burning inside his stomach urged him to stop all the teasing and get on with it but Otabek wanted to take his time, even if it felt a little like dying. He wanted to memorise every part of Yuri with his lips, wanted to rile him up with his touches until he’d wanted nothing more than Otabek, fuck it if he was being selfish for thinking that. But his stomach fluttered whenever Yuri mewled in pleasure and he was so hard for him that there was a damp spot forming on the fabric of his boxers.   
He hid a little smug smile against the curve of Yuri’s thigh when his legs started to quiver and took that as his sign to kiss his way back towards Yuri’s lips, cashing every shiver that ran across his skin with his mouth. When they were back face to face, Yuri didn’t wait for him and lunged himself at him in a sloppy kiss that was needy and hot an absolute payback since it made Otabek incredibly dizzy.  
  
He pressed Yuri against himself as they rolled over once more until they laid on their sides and groaned when Yuri pushed his thigh between his legs, brushing against his hardness deliberately. When Yuri started to grind against him, he let his head fall back against the mattress and then felt Yuri’s lips on his neck a second later, kissing his Adam’s apple as he swallowed hard.   
Yuri laid half beside him, half on top of him as he kissed Otabek’s pecks, licking over caramel skin before his hand wandered from his chest down to his stomach, following his dark happy-trail and dipping into his briefs without missing a beat.Otabek groaned when Yuri’s fingers brushed against his arousal and dug his fingers into Yuri’s waist when he felt him spread his wetness from his tip all the way down to his base, giving him a few slow but firm strokes.When Otabek’s underwear got annoyingly in the way, they both tugged on it impatiently before it joined the rest of their cloths on the floor, leaven them completely naked. T  
heir lips found each other once more and Yuri’s hand returned to Otabek’s length to curl his long fingers around it, moving them in tightly over his hot skin until precum was dripping from his tip and onto the back of Yuri’s hand. Otabek’s moan had Yuri’s lips slipping from his mouth and he ducked his head further, returning to bite at his neck like pleasuring him slowly but firmly.  
  
With his head in the clouds, he lazily trailed his hands over Yuri’s shoulders and back, down his sides and to the curve of his wonderful, small butt. He grabbed a handful of the plump flesh and kneaded it, feeling blissful at the small mewl Yuri pressed into his neck. Slowly, he let his hand glide lower until he could dip his fingers into the small space in-between Yuri’s thighs, before he pulled back and pushed them between Yuri’s soft cheeks, dragging his fingers back up until he reached his small rim, brushing against it gently but deliberately.  
He heard Yuri gasp at his touch, his own hand loosing rhythm on Otabek as he teased his fingers over his hole, rubbing a little against it but never inside. Otabek pulled his hand away completely when Yuri pushed his hips back to meet his movements, not wanting Yuri to hurt himself without proper preparation.  
  
A drunken smile stretched over his lips as a whine escaped Yuri and he pulled him back up into another kiss, pushing his hair back before it got caught between their lips.  
  
„Beka,“ Yuri whispered when they rolled over until he was on his back again, their lengths brushing as they did so, causing them to roll their hips against each other until they got high on the fiction.  
  
Their skin had gone from warm to hot and their mouths had gone mostly dry form leaving wet kisses all over the other. Both were breathing hard with racing hearts, hair messy and eyes clouded. Otabek was uncomfortably hard and he couldn’t help but remember how wonderfully tight and hot Yuri had been the last time, how breathtaking it had felt when he’d sunken into him. If the way Yuri was wiggling beneath him was anything to go by, there was a chance that he was thinking about it too. But there were things that needed to be taken care of first.  
  
„Yura, do you have um…“ It was hard to form full sentences while Yuri was pushing his hips against him, smearing precum against his abdomen as he did so. Otabek knew that he had a condom in this wallet, currently laying tangled in his jeans somewhere in his room but he didn’t carry lube around with him on a daily basis.

It took Yuri a moment to reply but when he did, he luckily seemed to have grasped what Otabek had been trying to ask. „Yeah, let me…“ He tried to sit up and Otabek gave him the space, he rummaged through his bedside table shortly and in the meanwhile, Otabek was fishing for his jeans containing the wallet, just in case.  
  
When he turned back around Yuri placed a handful of small foil-packages on his bedside table, all samples of lube instead of a proper bottle. Otabek decided that it was better to not ask questions and placed his condom next to it, somehow relieved that Yuri didn’t had a stack of those laying around. He took one of the samples before he fell back into Yuri’s arms and against his lips, feeling the bright sunlight of the midday across his back as he hovered over him.  
  
Several kisses and a few moans later, he ripped the sample open with his teeth and poured the lube onto his fingers while Yuri watched with parted lips and lust-filled eyes. His own fingers were shaking a little. It wasn’t like he was nervous, no, being with Yuri like this felt like the most natural thing in the world but that didn’t mean that it wasn’t special or absolutely intoxicating. It didn’t mean that his entire body wasn’t trembling with the intensity of numerous ,genuine emotions towards Yuri and this situation.  
  
Otabek pressed another kiss onto Yuri’s swollen lips before he adjusted their position, sitting back on his calves and pulling Yuri down until his ass was rested a little on his lap. Yuri was laying on his back, spread naked without shame, his hands high above his head playing with the covers of his pillow.  
  
Otabek adored him. Adored that he wasn’t hiding his bare body with the blooming bruises and pink nipples he had licked sore. Adored that he trusted him enough to spread his legs for him, lifting his right one over Otabek’s shoulder so he would have better access. It made Otabek turn his head to kiss the inside of Yuri’s knee, made him warm up the lube on his fingers before even thinking about coming near his skin. And when he finally started working Yuri open by curling and uncurling his fingers inside of him, Yuri closed his eyes and hummed, clasping the sheets above his head whenever Otabek brushed against his sweet-spot.  
  
Otabek watched him with half-lidded eyes how he squirmed and arched with every finger he added, how his breathing increased and he started to bite his lips the more he relaxed and opened up. The sight made Otabek feel a little fuzzy and dizzy in his head while he dripped with lust for Yuri. Both of them were covered in a slight sheen of sweat, partly due to the sunlight that was pouring inside from the window.  
By the time Otabek was done prepping Yuri, he was so worked up himself that he felt ready to explode from all the desire that had bottled up under his skin. Before Yuri, he had never met someone who had such a strong effect on him.  
  
He carefully removed his fingers from him, watching Yuri’s face for discomfort but he only seemed to furrow his eyebrows at the loss of pleasure. Otabek gently moved Yuri’s legs out of the way before he crawled between them and leaned over him again, kissing him until his pout disappeared. Yuri mewled and wrapped his arms around him, arching up against his chest like he had missed his warmth. Otabek responded by pressing himself as closely as he could against him, enjoying their shared body-heat and the soft feeling of Yuri’s skin against his. His hands roamed over his small body while he kissed him for a little longer, before he reached out for the nightstand and the condom.  
  
„You still want this?“ Otabek asked quietly as he traced the shell of Yuri’s ear with his fingertips, tugging blond strands behind it.  
  
Yuri pulled back from where he had been nuzzling his neck at the hollow of his shoulder to look at him with large green eyes. „Yeah,“ he whispered, „and you?“  
  
Otabek’s answer was another kiss, deep and slow. If there were words to describe how much he wanted Yuri, Otabek didn’t know them. He could only show him what he couldn’t say out loud, and hope that Yuri was paying attention.  
  
They ended up in the same position as they had during their first time, Yuri on his back with his arms and legs wrapped around Otabek who was nestled between his legs, leaning over him and covering him with his entire body. Otabek didn’t knew but Yuri felt safe his way, protected. Like Beka was shielding him from the rest of the world.   
They kissed when Otabek pressed himself inside Yuri and for a second he could feel Yuri holding his breath, before releasing it in a gasp against his lips when he slid all the way in. Otabek didn’t dare to move his hips, staying still to give Yuri some time to adjust.   
  
But he did pull back to take a look at Yuri, to see if he was alright and this time he felt all breath leaving _his_ lungs at the sight.  
  
Outside, he sun had wandered and was now bathing the bed in gleaming bright sunlight, making Yuri look ethereal. His long hair was liquid gold, shining in a hundred different nuances. His skin looked less pale but dewy and soft, with faint freckles across Yuri’s nose and under his eyes. Barely noticeable on normal days but now Otabek wanted to kiss every single one of them and take a thousand pictures of this sunshine-fairy.   
Yuri’s lashes looked much longer as the light fell on them, making them shimmer slightly. And his eyes… until this moment Otabek would have sworn that, had he been an artist, he would’ve been able to paint Yuri’s eyes from memory alone.   
Now, he felt like he’d never truly seen them before. As close as he was now, Yuri’s eyes were so much more than just green. They were emeralds with swirls of blue, flecks of amber and gold. Tiny universes full of secrets and emotions, undiscovered and unfathomable. Absolutely beautiful.  
  
Yuri was an angel. Was light itself. Like a Phoenix that rose from the ashes of pain, over and over again, becoming stronger and more breathtaking each time. And Otabek loved him more than anything or anyone he had ever loved before.  
  
He leaned back down and kissed against Yuri’s mouth, what he didn’t dare to say again. _I love you. I love you. I love you._  
  
Yuri kissed him back like he knew it, like he had seen it in Otabek’s eyes when the man had gaped at him, unmoving above him.  
  
They started rolling their hips almost at the same time, moving against each other, allowing the pleasure to consume them. Otabek closed his eyes for a moment, seeing swirls of colors and light behind his lids and felt the warmth of the sun of his naked back. But more present than anything else, he felt Yuri beneath and around him, purring into his ear and tightening his arms around him. Opening his legs wider so Otabek could sink in deeper into his heat and curving against him when he did just that. Otabek shuddered, overwhelmed at the sensations and opened his eyes again.  
And looked right into Yuri’s wide ones, who must’ve watched Otabek all along. His mouth was slightly parted as he panted through it and there was a little coat of sweat glistening on his collarbones but he didn’t break their gaze as he pushed back to meet Otabek’s thrusts. It was incredibly intimate, a little like they were opening their chests for the other and showing each other their raw hearts.  
  
Otabek groaned at the added friction and his hand slid into Yuri’s hair to shield the back of his head, not wanting him to get hurt by banging it against the wall as soon as Otabek would pick up the pace. Instead his own knuckles grazed against the wall as Otabek started to thrust his hips deeper, shoving Yuri further up the mattress with every push. He groaned again as Yuri dug his nails into the flexing muscles on his back and hissed when Yuri’s fingers, most likely due to the sweat, slipped on his hot skin and scratched down his sides in long red streaks. The slight pain intensified his pleasure all the more and in return, he bit Yuri’s neck, wanting him to feel just as good as he did.

Yuri’s moan sounded pitiful but he made no attempted to shove Otabek away, if anything, he arched off the bed and into his touch more, rolling his hips faster to meet each thrust. For a while, they got lost like that, gasping against each other and filling the room with the smell of their skin and the sound of their needly kisses.  
  
At first, Otabek didn’t notice when Yuri started to squirm beneath him for a different reason, he was busy biting a beautiful pattern into the skin of his shoulder. But then Yuri’s hands slid off his back and he pushed them against Otabek’s chest instead, as if he wanted to create space between them. The thought alone was deeply unsettling, so Otabek pulled back to look at Yuri, stilling the movements of his hips within the same heartbeat.  
  
„Yura, what’s wrong?“ He whispered, suddenly scared that he had really hurt him, or that he had decided he didn’t want this any longer or that-  
  
Yuri shook his head, causing the tips of his hair to stick to his sweaty skin. „Nothing,“ he croaked out,“I want to um…can you lean back a little? I’m trying to climb onto your lap.“ The tips of his ears were turning pink while he whispered.  
  
Otabek’s eyes widened at the idea of Yuri taking more control of their movements, nodding before the thought was fully finished. He slid his arms under Yuri when he arched off the bed and wrapped them around him, holding him by the waist as he carefully sat back on his calves, pulling Yuri with him and onto his lap. It took some effort to fold Yuri’s long legs until he was kneeing on either side of Otabek’s hips but they stayed connected throughout their entire repositioning.   
When Yuri wrapped his arms around Otabek’s shoulders to steady himself, Otabek kept one arm around the blond’s waist to keep him close and with the other he held Yuri up beneath his thigh. This way he could feel his muscles flex under his fingertips as Yuri tried to find a rhythm, and briefly he wondered if he had ever done that before, unsteady as his movements were.  
  
But then Yuri rolled his hips at a different angle, causing him to sink deeper onto Otabek’s length and everything else was forgotten. Yuri let out a small whine and Otabek moaned, digging his fingers into Yuri’s thigh while Yuri finally found a rhythm, bouncing on top of him until sweat was breaking out across the small of his back.  
Otabek didn’t mind, with Yuri sitting on him the blond was slightly taller and he tilted his head up to kiss him. Their lips didn’t stay locked for long, their movements too bumpy for it and they got easily distracted by the fiction between them, so they ended up panting into the other ones mouth instead.  
  
The feeling of Yuri riding him while grasping his fingers into his hair was absolutely divine and Otabek found himself licking along Yuri’s neck whenever he threw his head back in pleasure and meeting his shaky thrusts with controlled ones whenever Yuri lost his rhythm again. He got drunk on the lewd sounds their bodies made and on the clouded look in Yuri’s eyes whenever they stared at each other. He got addicted to gazing deeply into them before snapping his hips up and brushing against Yuri’s prostate, it made Yuri’s eyes widen before sparks of pleasure bloomed in them, soon followed by parting lips and trembling moans with furrowed eyebrows. It made shivers run Otabek’s spine and went straight to his cock.

But all too soon Yuri’s thighs started to quiver visibly and he couldn’t hold up his rhythm any longer, no matter how much Otabek tried to help him out by meeting him. Otabek didn’t had the required leg-space with Yuri’s weight on his lap, as little as it might was. Yuri made a frustrated sound as he came to the same realisation, clumsily grinding himself against Otabek in a way that did little to fulfil their need. As much as Otabek would love to cum, he knew that this wasn’t a race against the time.  
  
„Shhh.“ He hushed and kissed Yuri deeply, stilling their movements for a moment. „Hold on to me.“  
  
Yuri unfolded his legs with more grace than Otabek would have ever managed to and wrapped them, together with his arms, around Otabek. Who simply moved them a little up the bed until Yuri’s back hit the wall, being trapped against it and Otabek’s body. Otabek hoisted him slightly up by gripping his thighs. Most of Yuri’s weight was still on him but he could use the wall for stability and had the room to spread his knees slightly, giving him space to move.And if he was completely honest, he liked the thought of trapping Yuri with his body, being as close to him as he could. He used his new position to press Yuri against the flat surface before fucking into him deeply, shoving him up a little whenever he did. Yuri let out a sound that was a mixture between a squeak and a whimper while holding onto Otabek’s shoulders and clamping his legs around his waist.

Sweat was breaking out across Otabek’s forehead at the added effort of holding Yuri up but compared to the heat he felt brewing in his lower abdomen, it was barely noticeable. He screwed his eyes shut as he pounded faster into Yuri, feeling a fire surging inside of him that needed to be satisfied. He burned up wherever Yuri’s hands touched his body, searching for purchase as he slid up and down the wall, hair falling into his face and across Otabek’s shoulders.  
  
Yuri’s whimpers came out more rapidly how, his breath increasing quickly. Drawn-out moans right beside his ear, high-pitched gasps hitting him across sweaty skin. Yuri was close. Otabek knew that. He could feel it in the way he was holding onto his shoulders, as if he’s bracing himself because he know’s that he’ll be falling apart soon. Could tell because Yuri was desperately trying to push back against Otabek’s length in a way that didn’t match the rhythm of his own hips. He knew because the look on Yuri’s face was one of sweet torture: furrowed eyebrows, raw-bitten lips, rosy cheeks and pleading, feverish eyes.  
  
Otabek knew that he couldn’t look much different, he heard himself groaning after all. Felt how hot his own skin was and noticed how blurry his vision got whenever Yuri tightened himself around him. Yuri, who was driving him absolutely crazy. Just as he always had. Maybe the thought would’ve made Otabek smile is he wasn’t so busy gripping his lover closer to his butt before hoisting him up once more more, angling his thrusts differently and moaning when gravity brought Yuri right back down, dropping him onto Otabek’s cock just as he was rolling his hips forward.  
  
Yuri made a chocked sound that almost turned into a sob. His hand flew up to grab onto something but there was nothing behind him but the bare wall, causing his short nails to scratch over the old wallpaper. Then his fingers got tangled into his own hair, gripping it while Otabek did his best to hit Yuri’s prostate over and over again, knowing that he wouldn’t last much longer either.  
Still, he wanted Yuri to come first. And with the way his cock was simultaneously rubbing between their bellies with every thrust, smearing precum wetly onto their skin, it shouldn’t take him much longer. Otabek pressed another row of devouring kisses against Yuri’s mouth, swallowing every mewl and whimper while Yuri squirmed against him. His hand had found their way back around Otabek’s neck where he was digging his nails into the skin there. It was barely noticed, outshone by the familiar tightening between Otabek’s legs that was announcing his approaching orgasm.

He pulled back from their sloppy kiss. „Yura.“ At the groan of his name, Yuri opened his eyes and Otabek didn’t waste another second before he picked up the pace once more, shoving himself fast and deep inside of Yuri while pulling him against his thrusts, aiming to hit is prostate until he came. Yuri’s eyes widened but stayed locked with Otabek’s, he opened his mouth but not a single sound was coming out anymore.  
  
For a moment he stopped breathing. Otabek saw Yuri’s orgasm crashing over him before he felt it.  
His eyes lost focus before rolling back and being screwed shut. Yuri finally gasped for air again, a chocked sound escaping his throat that turned into a small, trembling whimper as he came between their chests. He clawed against Otabek and his body tensed, arcing even closer before going pliant and limp in his arms. His muscles clenched down around Otabek’s pulsing cock with impossible, tight heat and Otabek too, came straight away. He moaned hoarsely as he rode his orgasm out with irregular thrusts, spilling the liquid fire into the condom that had burned him from inside. He felt lightheaded and fuzzy, white light swirling behind his closed eyelids like a shower of sparks. He felt blissfully exhausted while he waited for the shivers to stop running down his spine, slowly comping back to earth and reality.  
  
When he slowly opened his eyes again, his vision was still blurry at the edges. The first thing he noticed was Yuri’s hair clinging to his sweaty neck where the blond had buried his face and the fact that his thighs were still quivering around Otabek’s hips. He took a moment to catch his breath again, then he addressed Yuri.  
  
„Kitten,“ he said quietly, using his nickname for the first time in forever, „Are you okay?“  
  
He could feel him shaking in his arms but when he spoke, his voice was steady despite being quiet. „Yes.“  
  
„Look at me?“ _Please?_ Otabek had to make sure.

Reluctantly, or so it seemed to Otabek, Yuri raised his head to look at him. The expression in his eyes was hard to read. There was uncertainty and vulnerability in them, a guard Yuri was struggling to keep up. Otabek didn’t knew what he had expected, or rather hoped for but considering the circumstances, he figured that a emotional turmoil was understandable. And since Yuri was still wrapped around him, he didn’t seem to hate him either, he noticed in relief.

That said, Otabek lifted Yuri up once more so he could slip out from inside him, causing Yuri to whimper involuntarily. The blond slapped a hand across his mouth as soon as the sound escaped him and Otabek tried his best to act like he didn’t notice the slight blush creeping over the younger man’s cheeks. Carefully, he sat Yuri back down on the bed and then scooted backwards to get rid of the condom, when Yuri’s voice stopped him.  
  
„What are you doing?“

„I’ll be right back.“ Otabek said, tying a knot, ready to get up.  
  
„ _Don’t_.“  
  
„Yura, we made a mess. It will only take a second.“  
  
„The sheets need to be changed anyway.“ Something in Yuri’s voice stopped Otabek from objecting. It was unusual for Yuri to be this clingy but even if he didn’t understand, he was sure that there were reasons.  
  
When he spotted an empty pack of cigarettes on Yuri’s bedside table, he quickly took it and stuffed the condom inside before throwing it across the room where it landed perfectly in a bin. On another day, Otabek would’ve turned around with a grin and demanded a high-five from Yuri for that but now, he simply crawled back to him and took the duvet him him. They would get it all dirty if they cuddled up in it now but like Yuri had said, they could wash it later.  
  
Without asking, Otabek took Yuri back in his arms, his back pressed against his chest, holding each other closely. Neither of them said anything for a long time but the silence between them wasn’t tense or anxious. Otabek was breathing gently against Yuri’s neck, inhaling the scent of his hair and Yuri had his fingers wrapped around Otabek’s wrists, drawing circles onto them with his thumb.  
  
At one point they would need to discuss their relationship and what had just happened but Otabek was aware that Yuri currently had more stuff to deal with than what he could handle and he didn’t want to stress him more. Too scared that he would corner Yuri and loose him again. No, they would talk but not now.  
  
He actually thought that Yuri had fallen asleep a while ago while Otabek had stared at the dust dancing through the light in front of the window, deep in thought about whether or not the sex had meant something to Yuri, when the boy in his arms cleared his throat.  
  
„Beka,“ he said quietly without turning around, „I’m sorry. What I did…I mean I did a lot of horrible things to you but running away like that and leaving that letter, there is no excuse for that but I’m really sorry. Beka, I’m _so_ sorry.“ His voice broke with a wet sound and his small shoulders started to shake.  
  
Otabek wrapped his arms tighter around him, kissing his bare shoulder. „Why did you do it?“ He asked quietly.  
  
„When you said…you _know_ , I freaked out. There was so much going on that I hadn’t told you. I had two jobs and barely any time, we had money issues and Grandpa he- he was getting sick and I was so scarred, I hadn’t told you anything.“ Yuri was sobbing the words out, squeezing Otabek’s hands tightly as if he was afraid of floating away if he let go.  
  
„But _why_? Yuri, why didn’t you tell me?“  
  
„I-I couldn’t! It wouldn’t have been fair for me to keep you, don’t you understand that?“  
  
No, Otabek didn’t but he was sure that Yuri did. In some twisted logic that made absolutely no sense to any other person, Yuri had done what he thought would be best. He would love to understand it too.  
  
„I wanted to be with you Yuri, it would’ve been my choice.“  
  
„You don’t know what you would’ve gotten yourself into, I ruin everything I touch.“ It was a tearstained whisper and it made a lump from in Otabek’s throat.  
  
„Yuri…“  
  
„No, don’t say that it isn’t true because it is. I did _everything_ I could and Grandpa still died.“ He started crying harder at that.  
  
That was enough, Otabek decided. „Yuri? Turn around.“  
  
Yuri sniffled, wiping his tears away with the corner of the blanket.  
  
„Come on Yura, turn around to me. You don’t even have to look at me if you don’t want to.“  
  
Slowly, without meeting his eyes, Yuri turned around and hid his face against Otabek’s chest. Otabek let him and wrapped his arms back around him, resting his chin atop of Yuri’s head. „What happened?“ He whispered.  
  
Yuri swallowed, then exhaled wetly against Otabek’s shoulder, he knew right away what Otabek meant. „He was sick.“ Yuri whispered. „Of cause he was old but all along it had always been his back or his knees that were giving him trouble. And then suddenly, he had problems with his heart.“ He choked out, fresh tears hitting Otabek’s skin where the sweat had just dried.  
  
„He didn’t told me, thought that he needed to protect me or something stupid like that. That day when I broke down in front of you? The one with the bar-fight? I had just found out and I was so…mad at him and so _scared_. And I took it out on you, Beka, I’m sorry.“ He hiccuped and Otabek hushed him, kissing his messy hair.

„He needed new medication which we didn’t had the money for, so I started dancing at the club. Of cause I didn’t told him that, he would’ve locked me up. Anyway that was why I barely had any time anymore. Why I didn’t had any time for _you_ either. I was working every day, double shifts and stuff. Still, I made sure that he was eating and taking his pills. That someone was there to keep him company.“ He wiped his eyes again and Otabek waited for him to continue, drawing slow patterns across his back with his fingertips that he hoped would help him calm down.  
  
„I’m going to spare you the details but despite all efforts, he wasn’t getting better. He was stubborn until the end and didn’t want me to see but I did. He was so weak that after new years, he easily caught the flu and couldn’t get rid of it for weeks. I stayed with him as long as I could but eventually I had to start working again. He told me that he would be fine on his own.“ Yuri took a deep breath, bracing himself for the next part.  
  
„He died a few days after my birthday. I-I didn’t saw it coming…despite everything….We ate cake on my Birthday and played boardgames, I wanted to stay in. A few days later, at work, I got the call. He had been fine that morning and our neighbour had promised to visit him in the afternoon for tea. But on his way home from getting groceries, he got stuck in traffic and arrived late. He…found him and called an ambulance.“ Yuri started sobbing again and Otabek honestly felt like joining him.  
  
„This hellhole of a town of cause doesn’t have a own hospital, so they had to bring him over to the next town. I think it took just too much time, you know? They couldn’t help him anymore. I was at the Diner when I got the call, so I dropped everything, took Grandpa’s car and drove there like a madman…just so they could tell me that they couldn’t help him anymore.“ Yuri was crying too hard to continue speaking and for a while, Otabek just held him while Yuri tried to get his breathing under control again.  
  
„It wasn’t your fault, Yura.“ Otabek whispered over and over again. „You did everything that you could, it wasn’t your fault.“ He tried to wipe the endless amount of tears away. „I’m so sorry Yuri.“ He found a tissue for Yuri to blow his nose and wrapped him back up in his arms. „He loved you more than anything, Yura, I know that. He wouldn’t blame it on you either. He was old and sick, it wasn’t your fault.“  
  
When Yuri calmed down enough, he continued speaking and Otabek let him, hoping that it would somewhat help. „I can barely remember his funeral, Beka. I probably was in shock but I was also very drunk. Not that it would be worth remembering because funerals are not for the dead but for those who got left behind. And like everything in this shithole of a town, the cemetery isn’t pretty or even big. I didn’t had the money for a big fuss and basically agreed to everything that guy who helped me said, meaning that it was quick and depressing and full of our neighbours and old people Grandpa knew. My Mom of cause wasn’t there because she’s either dead too or no one fucking called her, not that I would’ve known _how_. But everyone there wanted to talk to me and tell me how sorry they were, as if that would’ve helped.“ Yuri said bitterly, mentioning his mother for the first time ever around him. As curious as Otabek was, he knew that now wasn’t the time to ask but to listen.  
  
„After he died, I planned and organised so much stuff but as soon as he was buried, I kinda broke down. At the hospital I had cried and screamed, cursing every poor nurse and their ancestors but after that…I don’t know, I got drunk before the funeral started to get through it and afterwards, when there was nothing more to do for me, I just stopped caring. I got a lot of visits from neighbours who brought food and wanted to tell me stories about my Grandpa but I didn’t want to hear those. So I stopped answering the doorbell and ignored them. I didn’t feel like eating anyways.“ Which would explain all the moldy dishes and pots, Otabek thought.  
  
„Everything else…is a little bit of a blur.“ Yuri confessed and shrugged as if it didn’t matter that he had stopped caring about himself.

The thought made tears burn in Otabek’s eyes. „I’m here now, Yura. We will figure everything out together.“  
  
Yuri looked up at him, his long lashes sticking together wetly. „I don’t deserve you.“ He said, truly believing in his own words.  
  
Otabek knew that, knew that he would need to change that. „That’s what you think but I _know_ that you have more to give.“  
  
„I wouldn’t know how to pay you back.“ Yuri said, missing completely what Otabek had meant.  
  
„You don’t have to. Just don’t run away again.“  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't know about you but I like my angst best with a side of smut ;)


	19. nineteen

 

 

Time, Yuri thought, was a unreliable thing.

Sometimes it wouldn’t pass at all. When he had waited for his Mama to pick him up from her co-workers. When he had wanted the noises he could hear from her bedroom at night to stop. When he had waited for her to come back long after his Grandpa had taken him with him. Sitting in school, waiting for birthdays, hoping his nail-polish would finally dry - all this took way too long.  
And last summer, after he ran from Otabek’s apartment and didn’t hear from him again, well knowing that it was his own fault, the slow drag of time had hurt like opening a old wound over and over again, so it wouldn’t be able to heal properly.  
  
Sometimes time would just stop. The first time, as far as Yuri could remember, after his father had slammed the door shut behind him for the last time, the echo ringing through the entire apartment as the frames on the wall shook. Then when the same door, years later, had busted open with strangers that headed for his sleeping Mom on the couch, blue and red lights lighting up their living-room while Yuri had stared with wide eyes and a hammering heart.  
Time had stopped a few more times afterwards but with less gravity: the first time a unwanted hand had slipped between his legs, the crunching noise as Yuri’s knuckles broke the nose of a impertinent boy in his class, when the police had caught Ivan and him slipping some beer-cans into their bomber-jackets at a bigger mall. Sneaking into a club while holding his breath, skipping detention under the nose of his teachers, all for the first time.  
And again, when Yuri felt like time was actually worth stopping for moments like: Otabek crossing the street that lead to the Diner, his eyes never leaving Yuri’s before they even knew each other. Every time he had stepped through the glass-door of the Diner, all handsome and leather, eyes searching again for Yuri. When they had kissed for the first time and every single starving touch of need that had followed. In Otabek’s bed with Yuri on his back and Otabek’s body covering him, sliding into each other until they became one.  
Other times, the standstill had come hand in hand with the stopping of Yuri’s heartbeat. At least for a second. It had happened when Otabek had blurted his confession. It had happened, much worse, when Yuri got a call from the hospital regarding his Grandpa. In that moment, his breathing had stopped too.  
  
And sometimes, time passed way too quickly, in a blur that scared him because Yuri couldn’t do anything to slow it down and hold all the fleeting moments together. It was unfair, really, Yuri thought. Because whenever that had happened, he had been mostly happy.  
Dancing through scabby studios until he forgot all about time. Reading his favorite books until he ran out of natural light. Listening to Otabek’s playlists over and over again because one and a half hours of music meant nothing when Yuri was daydreaming, picturing his favourite lyrics with a future he would love to have.  
_Otabek_ , of cause. Lemonade kisses on hot days. Grass and dirt sticking to sweaty skin and naked thighs. Smouldering dark eyes that watched him while licking dripped ice-cream off his raised leg. Slight stubble tickling his neck while he whispered and laughed into Yuri’s ear, moving blond strands of hair away gently. All these precious moments had never been long enough, had passed in a swirl of happiness, melted milkshakes, breathy moans and the sound of a roaring engine.

Unreliable and confusing, that was what time was.  
  
While thinking that, Yuri laid in bed and looked at nothin in particular. Instead he listened to Otabek’s muffled voice from the hallway, talking into his phone about taking a few days off work. Maybe Yuri wasn’t supposed to hear, maybe Otabek had closed the door so Yuri wouldn’t wake up from the noise. He knew why Otabek took these free days and it made something move inside his chest that he didn’t dare to identify, it was fluttering and clenching at the same time.  
Last night, after Yuri had finally calmed down, Otabek had brought some of the leftover take-out he had ordered to bed and coaxed Yuri into eating some. Yuri had chewed without really tasting anything, still not very hungry despite knowing that his stomach was completely empty. But Otabek had looked so relieved so Yuri did him the favor of at least eating a small potion. After cleaning away the boxes, Otabek had pulled Yuri back into his arms without questions, holding him until he fell back asleep.

Yuri had woken up a while ago to the sound of running water, indicating that Otabek was showering. He kept his eyes closed while he dressed himself and then grabbed his phone to call his work. Yuri needed a moment to collect his thoughts. He felt like he had just woken up, in more than one ways.  
  
When his grandpa had died, when he got the call, all time had stopped. When Yuri had to deal with the aftermath, the crushing grief and the planning of the funeral, time had barely seemed to pass, leaving him exhausted and oddly detached. And when the funeral finally came and with it the horrible realisation that this was not a nightmare and Yuri was now all alone, he somehow fell into a sleep-like state of carelessness and numbness. Time had passed in a blur, washed out by sleepless nights and a guard of denial. He had refused to think about his future, to care about himself or to acknowledge the fact that he couldn’t hide from time. No matter how he felt about it, it would always pass. With or without him.  
  
In some way, it was Otabek who had finally woken him up. In the last 48 hours since he had arrived, Yuri had somehow managed to find back to himself. His head less foggy and his thoughts clearer again but his heart just as raw as he remembered leaving it. Yuri felt a little like the sleeping Princess form the fairytale, only that he didn’t wake up to a happy ending, a broken curse and a defeated villain.  
His world still felt like ending and there wasn’t much happiness in sight. This story only had broken hearts and cursed lovers. And whether or not he was he villain, he definitely was the defeated one.

After the funeral, things were just too much and he couldn’t deal with them any longer. He didn’t care what happened to him. But now Otabek was here and for some reason, he did care and refused to let Yuri fall into decline. And while Yuri was sure that he didn’t deserve any of Otabek’s kindness, especially after what he did, he decided that he wouldn’t want to let his efforts go to waste by acting this reckless with himself any longer. If it would make Otabek feel better, then Yuri would try to pull himself together. For Otabek.

Reluctantly, Yuri slid out from his bed and started to pull the sheets and covers off it before he could change his mind and slip back into the comforting warmth. They really did need a wash and Yuri had promised Otabek that they would clean them. That was yesterday after they had … Yuri shook his head and carried the big pile over to the washing machine where he shoved it in. Doing this was already exhausting, he couldn’t think about what had happened with Otabek right now too. It had to wait until later.

Otabek who seemed to have wandered in the direction of the kitchen, not noticing that Yuri was awake. It made things easier to slip back into his room and grab some fresh clothes before heading to his bathroom.  
  
One of his towels was wet. _Otabek._ There was a second toothbrush on the counter when Yuri reached for his. _Otabek._ His hair, despite being clean for the first time in way too long, was a nest of knots and Yuri had to brush them out before gathering them up into a bun so they wouldn’t get wet again. Knots that had been formed by hands, by being shoved against a mattress. _Otabek._ Yuri pulled off his shirt and out of the corner of his eyes, in the mirror, he saw a collection of light bruises and darker bite-marks dotting his pale skin. _Otabek._ Ignoring them and refusing to take a closer look at himself, Yuri quickly got rid of his pants. When he bend down, there was a slight soreness between his legs and his thighs felt sticky. _Otabek._ Yuri showered quickly and tried to think about nothing in particular.  
  
With his mind asleep, things had been easier. Now things were overwhelming again.  
  
He dressed in simple back leggings and a washed out hoodie, leaving his hair up. It was pointless and exhausting to bother with anything else. When he went back into his room, Otabek was sitting on his freshly made bed. Yuri stooped dead in his tracks. In his messy room, it seemed like a white rose petal in a sea of brown, crunchy leafs.  
  
„Hey.“ Otabek said with a small nervous smile, fiddling with the case of his phone while looking at Yuri.

„You didn’t have to do that.“ Yuri gestured over to the clean sheets that were untouched save for the edge on which Otabek was sitting. He was wearing one of Yuri’s shirts and only shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. For Yuri it was.  
  
„I took a few days off work. My boss was almost relieved, I had too many saved up anyways.“  
  
Yuri didn’t ask how many. Yuri didn’t say _you didn’t have to do that either_ , despite thinking it. Yuri didn’t ask _why_ because he already knew the answer to that which didn’t mean that he _understood_. Instead he said, „Okay,“ and it was barely audible. He wanted to say _thank you_ too but he felt like his throat was closing up on him.

„I’ll stay here for a while.“ Otabek continued and while he spoke gently, he didn’t ask it like it was a question. It wasn’t one.  
  
Yuri could only nod. He wasn't sure how he felt about Otabek staying here but he knew that he wasn't against it. He was aware that Otabek was a lifeline meant for him but he’s not sure if he wanted to reach for it.

It’s a bit awkward between them now. When Otabek arrived here Yuri was a mess but Yuri was too numb to care. Now he’s aware of every touch, everything he said again. Then yesterday, they spend most of the day (and the night) in each others arms but they didn’t woke up like this. They both showered the sweat away and washed the sheets and now there was a paper-thin wall between them once more which neither of them knew how to tear down again.  
  
Maybe it would’ve been easy. Yuri just needed to step forward and sit down in Otabek’s lap, wrapping his arms around him and leaning his head against his neck. It’s what he wanted to do but he wasn't sure if he had a right to do so. He already asked for so much and he knew that Otabek hated to pretend and ignore the elephant in the room. But Yuri wasn’t ready to deal with more emotional issues yet, so he resisted sinking into Otabek’s arms and wondered instead what normal people did after getting up in the morning.  
  
„Breakfast?“ Yuri croaked out as soon as he remembered, hoping to escape the building tension.  
  
„There is a little left of the take-out, that’s it.“ Otabek said and his tone suggested that he wasn’t keen of eating sticky rice with sweet-chilli sauce for breakfast.

 _Thank fuck,_ Yuri thought because he didn’t felt like eating anything to begin with, may it be suitable for breakfast or not. „There is coffee tho.“ He said. „There must be some left.“  
  
He speed-walked into the kitchen without waiting for Otabek and started searching the cupboards for that old coffee-can that his Grandpa used because he didn’t like those bags they sold the powder in. Yuri found it next to a tin with old cookies and when he got it out, his eyes fell on a dusty bottle behind it. Half-full of amber-colored liquor. He stared at it for a second but then he heard Otabek’s footsteps behind him and the cupboard door slipped from his fingers, slamming shut.

Yuri kept his hands busy making them two mugs of coffee, there wasn’t any milk left so Yuri shovelled little mountains of sugar into his until he could bear swallowing it. Otabek drank his without grimacing.  
  
„I was thinking about getting some groceries.“ Otabek said after a while, putting his empty mug in the sink.  
  
Yuri nodded. „Thank you.“ He hoped that Otabek would get some milk for the coffee, he didn’t care much about anything else.  
  
„Do you wanna come with me?“  
  
If he did, then everyone would look at him. Trying to speak to him or worse, talking about him and his Grandpa behind their backs, just loud enough for him to hear. _That little fag has no respect, got so drunk he could barely stand at his Grandfather’s funeral. He should be glad that Nikolai even bothered with him, remember his daughter? He’s just like her. I would’ve kicked that little slut out. Which one?_ The fact that Yuri cared what they would say, said an alarming lot about how thin his guard had become lately.  
  
„No.“ Yuri said quietly. „I’m gonna stay here if that’s alright. I wanted to…to…“ He couldn’t think of anything and the pause got awkwardly long. „Clean the dishwasher.“ He finally said, remembering that Otabek put a lot of dirty dishes away that used to litter the kitchen-counters.  
  
„Will you be-„ Otabek didn’t finish his sentence but they could hear what he had wanted to say anyway. _Will you be alright on your own?_ They both knew it was a stupid question, which was why Otabek didn’t finish it. Of cause Yuri wouldn’t be fine. He wasn’t okay when Otabek arrived here. He wasn’t okay now and he wouldn’t be tomorrow. Maybe Otabek made things better but he couldn’t fix everything.  
  
Yuri wanted to spare him the embarrassment from the awkward silence that followed. „You won’t be gone for long, right?“  
  
„No, I’ll try to hurry. Is there anything that you need?“

 _Nothing that you could get me from the store._ He shook his head once again and felt somehow guilty about it. Maybe it would make Otabek happier if he could get something for him.  
  
„Okay.“ Otabek left to get his helmet and jacket and Yuri started to unload the dishwasher to keep his hands busy again. He focused solely on his task. Making a small pile of plates, putting them to the others in the cupboard. Dividing spoons, knifes and forks before placing them into their spaces in the drawer. He carefully stacked bowls when Otabek came back. Wearing his leatherjacket, helmet dangling from his hand. He stepped forward and carefully reached for Yuri’s arm, pulling him closer until he could press his lips against Yuri’s temple in a soft kiss.  
  
Yuri closed his eyes, inhaling his scent. He was still holding a small bowel and a dishtowel. „I’ll be right back.“ Otabek mumbled into his hair before leaving. Yuri watched him from the kitchen-window how he walked through the front-yard and past the fence. He got on his bike, put on his helmet and closed the mirrored visor. Then the engine roared and gravel flew everywhere.  
  
He said that he would come back but Yuri was very aware that he didn’t need to, that it would be better for him if he didn’t. His grip around the towel tightened.

  
**xxx**  


Otabek was feeling uneasy about leaving Yuri on his own.

It wouldn’t be for long, he told himself, he was just getting some small groceries at the nearest store and then head back right away. His phone was in his pocket so Yuri could call him. He even took the spare key from the dwarf with him. He’d rather not think about the very real possibility of Yuri having deleted his number during the last months. Like he had with Yuri's.  
The queasy feeling in his gut was probably nothing but his own fault. It was safe to leave Yuri alone for a while. He had eaten, yesterday, but still. He got up on his own and had showered. He had talked to Otabek and even cleaned up a little when he left. That seemed like major progress to Otabek, who remembered very vividly and painfully the numb zombie Yuri had been when he had arrived. Who didn’t walk, talked or got up on his own. It had been scary and Otabek had feared that Yuri had fallen into a depression that paralysed him.  
  
But this morning he had gotten up fairly early, stripped the bed like promised and got ready on his own. Otabek took that for what it was: effort to pull himself together. He didn’t expect wonders and he had decided to help Yuri as much as he could but the fact that Yuri seemed willing to do _something_ again, promised a good start.  
So really, Otabek should stop worrying and get on with his task. Yuri was an adult after all and had been fine before Otabek came back into his life. Well not fine but alive. That wouldn’t change in the one hour that it would take him to buy some bread, veggies and a cheap pack of socks his own size. With tiger-stripes he could have lived but Yuri’s feet were much smaller than his.

  
**xxx**  


Yuri felt hauntingly restless. Otabek had barely been gone and already, the silence which left him alone with nothing but his own thoughts, was overwhelming. To distract himself, he had finished unloading the dishwasher and then filled it again with every dirty mug or plate he could find in the house until there were none left, starting it again.

For a while he stared at the now clean and empty counters without feeling any relief from having completed an annoying chore. There was much more to do if he was honest. His dirty clothes that needed a wash were piling up. The entire house could use some vacuuming and dusting. His bedroom was a mess save for his bed and Yuri didn’t even wanted to think about what Otabek had done to all the neighbors-dishes that had been standing around until he came here. There was a stack of mail messily on the kitchen table and Yuri knew that he, since Otabek seemed hellbent on helping him which included cleaning the house, Yuri should help him at least a little but he couldn’t bring himself to sort the mail out. Too sacred that most of it wouldn’t be addressed towards him.

He felt too exhausted to do so. Too exhausted to get shit done, too restless to just lay down and do nothing. His fingers started tapping against the counters, his teeth piercing his lips where he was chewing on them. Everything was such a mess. The house. Yuri. The thing with Otabek…  
  
It seemed ridiculous really, that with all his current problems Yuri couldn’t stop thinking about Otabek. Here he was, on the edge of his own sanity with so perspective of a future and another possible breakdown just around the corner, unable to stop himself from thinking about his…about Otabek. They should have talked. If he was really here because he found Yuri’s letter then he surely waned to talk, unaware that he would find Yuri in such a messy state.  
  
So not only had Yuri embarrassed himself beyond imagination by looking like a apathetic alcoholic that couldn’t handle life in general, he also probably scared the shit out of Otabek and made him feel responsible for his pathetic self by loading all this problems onto Otabek’s shoulders because he was too weak to carry them. And to top it all of, he threw himself at him so he wouldn’t feel so empty and lonely anymore, greedily taking everything of Otabek like he had _any_ right to do so. Once more, he had taken everything, giving nothing back.  
  
Yuri hated himself so much.  
  
He had missed Otabek terribly, loved him maybe more with each day that he had to spend without him but he was unable to express it in a way that Otabek deserved. They should have talked. Yuri should have explained himself better, apologised more. Should have told him the truth, maybe the entire truth. But what had he done instead? Thought about himself. Put his needs first. Didn’t talk, didn’t explain. Barely apologised. Didn’t fucking ask about Otabek’s feelings, about his thoughts, what he wanted. Had he even thanked him? Yuri couldn’t remember. What if Otabek felt used now? What if he thought that Yuri only needed a distraction?  
  
Yuri felt his eyes burning again, before any of this, he didn’t cry much, like ever. He was getting so sick of it. Gripping the counter, Yuri clenched his teeth, wondering why Otabek wasn’t disgusted with him yet. If he actually came back, Yuri would need to tell him that he wasn’t just a distraction, that he was _everything_ ….

 _And then?_ A nasty voice inside Yuri’s head whispered. _It’s not like confessing will change anything. You’ll still be a destructive little monster._ The voice sounded a lot like his mother’s. _You’re not more than just a pretty face, you’re rotten from the inside, unlovable. Easy to leave, quick to forget._ But Otabek was still here, Yuri had no idea how Otabek felt about him now but he hadn’t forgotten him, hadn’t left him alone. _So what if he loves you? What if he’ll never leave you and you’ll get what you want? Do you really think that you can make him happy? You’re a mess. Your past fucked you up, you never got over it. You don’t have a future, if you continue to live like that you’ll never even get old enough to see it. You’re just like me, just like your Mother._  
No! Yuri’s thoughts were eating him up, weakening him by feeding into his fears. _You have no idea where to go from here, lost like a little lamb. Otabek will grow tired of being your knight in shining amour. You love him? Try putting him first then, just once. You will suck him dry like a sickness until he hates you, until there is nothing left of the man you love. Nothing blooms in a place like this, just like nothing will bloom in the darkness of your soul. You will damn him to a life of being miserable. Just like you’re used to. Money issues, violence, alcoholism or worse. You always had a talent to make things worse, Yuratchka, didn’t you?_  
Yuri wanted to scream that this wasn’t the life he would have chosen for himself, that he had been damned too but there was no one who could’ve heard him. He was alone with his thoughts. _So you think you could do better? Leave this town, leave your past behind? Be with someone as wonderful as Otabek and not fuck it up? I’d like to see that. Let’s say you’ll get there. Move on, move out, get over it. Then what would be left of you? You’re nothing more than your past and your anger, you’re trouble and lies and always worrying. This is all you know. Without it, you’d be an empty shell. Pretty to look at, easy to break._  
  
Before Yuri knew what had happened, his vision cleared and in front of him on the counter, stood the opened glass-bottle. Less amber-colored liquid in it then before. A burning taste in his throat. _See? You destroyed your family, your father left because he didn’t want you and it broke your mother’s heart. She never forgave you until she couldn’t even look at you anymore. She gave you away and even your kindhearted Grandfather never got over what happened to his daughter. Maybe that’s why his heart failed, it broke too many times. And now you’re destroying yourself. It’s a wonder you even turned 18. Do you want Otabek to watch you die? Is it race? What will happen first? Otabek hating you before you disappear from this earth or him despising you because you made him witness your decay?_  
  
With a sound that was half scream, half sob, Yuri threw the bottle into the sink where the glass shattered into multiple sharp pieces. Liquor was splashing over the kitchen-counters, filling the air with the heady scent of rich Alcohol. Yuri was shaking.

  
**xxx**  


Otabek felt ridiculous as he went shopping with the tiny backpack sitting on his shoulders. He took it from Yuri because balancing groceries in plastic-bags wasn’t very practical when driving a motorbike. But a backpack was. Too bad that it had to be made out of faux leather with studded spikes all over. It looked more than out of place on Otabek’s board shoulders and a little like he was trying too hard to look edgy. Adding the actual leather-jacket and biker boots, that was.  
  
The first shop he had stumped across had been closed, a smashed window and barrier-tape telling a quick story of why. So Otabek had to drive a bit further, up to a bigger groceries-store. It had annoyed him at first but when he saw that they sold multiple packs of socks for cheap and even simple black t-shirts his size, he became a little calmer. He wouldn’t want to leave Yuri alone to drive all the way back home just to get a change of clothes and was more than relieved when he found a pack of men’s boxer-briefs too, again simple colors and most likely badly sewed but better than nothing.  
  
There wasn’t much space in Yuri’s backpack so Otabek only got the bare necessities. Bread, eggs and milk for breakfast and some ingredients he could improvise a dinner from. It barely fit in the bag after Otabek had payed. He should have taken the leopard-print backpack too.

  
**xxx**  


„What a waste.“  
  
Yuri had still been staring at the shards laying in the sink, dripping with golden liquid from their sharp edges. He had gripped the counter until his knuckles turned white, panting harshly while trying to calm down. At the sound of a voice coming from behind him, he spun around, half expecting to see absolutely no one, proofing that the voice inside his head slowly took over his sanity _and_ his senses.  
  
„Ivan.“ Yuri gasped out at the sight of his friend. He was confused to see him here, a little relieved too. His heart was still racing inside his chest. „What are you doing here?“  
  
Ivan grinned a little before walking over to inspect the mess in the sink, he extended one finger and followed the line of a glass-piece slowly as if he was circling the rim of a wine-glass, expecting a note to resound at any moment. There was a tear of blood on his fingertip when he raised his hand again. He simply shrugged and licked it off. „Just wanted to visit you. I haven’t seen you around in forever.“  
  
Around, Yuri assumed, meant all the places they usually hung out at. The Diner, playgrounds, clubs and bars, the parking lot of the 24h corner-store, Ivan’s Dad’s car and all the other scabby places Yuri didn’t miss one bit. „You scared the shit out of me.“ Yuri accused while he watched how Ivan sucked on his finger.  
  
„Old habits die hard.“ Ivan shrugged again.  
  
That meant that he broke into Yuri’s bedroom window, just like he had a hundred times before when they wanted to sneak out, or sneak back in while being drunk and trying to avoid Yuri’s grandpa. He had gotten a change of clothes for Yuri this way when Yuri had to work longer at the Diner and more than once stole a few cigarets out of his pockets while he was already at it.  
  
„No need for that anymore.“ Yuri said bitterly. „You can use the frontdoor from now on, no one here anymore that we could disturb.“  
  
Ivan spat some blood into the sink, colouring the glass a little pink. „I know. Don’t know if you remember but I came to the funeral.“  
  
Yuri didn’t remember. „Thanks.“  
  
„I was the one to get you home again. You were as drunk as a skunk, could barely walk.“  
  
„Yeah I heard that before.“ Yuri mumbled.  
  
Ivan didn’t seem to mind. He drank a lot, his dad was an alcoholic too. Drinking to deal with ones problems was as normal in this town as the snowfall in winter. No one batted an eye.  
  
They were quiet for a moment in which Ivan lit himself a cigarette and offered another one to Yuri, who took it more out of habit than anything else. He had no idea what to say to his friend. Ivan was his first choice if he needed a partner in crime. Two more fists. Someone to bail him out. The biggest party-animal he knew. Someone who was always down to get pissed. Someone you could have fun with.  
  
But if you stood in the dusty kitchen of a dead man on a cloudy Monday morning, with no words to tell and no drink in hand, heart heavy with grief and not seeing the point anymore in stealing some petrol form a strangers car to have enough for a street-race yourself, then Ivan wasn’t your man. Alone that he came here to check on Yuri, was a sign of loyalty. It was more than he could have expected.  
If Ivan had found him instead of Otabek, he would have gotten him a new bottle of Vodka as soon as his was empty and eaten all the food before it had chance to go spoiled. That didn’t made him a bad person, it was just how it was around here. Fight or die.  
  
They smoked in silence and then Ivan talked a little about some people they knew. Something about having fought with Sofia, about maybe breaking up with her. Yuri had trouble listening and didn’t say much himself. What could he have said? _My grandpa dying ripped my word apart and I have no idea where to go from here? The last few weeks were a blur, no idea what happened? Otabek came back and just before you came here, I freaked out over ruining his life?_ No, Ivan had ever been good at holding someones hand or being a shoulder to cry on. So why bother?  
  
„Oh I almost forgot, Ivan said just as Yuri zoned back in, I have something for you.“ He reached into his pocket and when his hand returned, there was a small, clear bag with white powder dangling from his fingers. „To cheer you up.“  
  
Yuri’s mouth went dry. „What’s that?“  
  
„A break.“ Ivan smiled. „I know you’re feeling like shit but sooner or later you’ll have to get over Nikolai. Allow yourself a timeout.“ He pushed the bag into Yuri’s hand and closed his cold fingers around it, then he clapped him on the back. „I gotta go now, my old man needs the car today. „And don’t wait too long to show your ugly face around again, we miss you.“  
  
_Who is we?_ Yuri wanted to ask but he only felt himself nodding as Ivan pressed his chapped lips against his cheekbone, kissing him goodbye before he disappeared into the house again. Leaving through Yuri’s bedroom window.

Yuri looked down, staring at the bag of drugs sitting on the open palm of his hand. _Old habits die hard_. He wasn’t sure if the voice echoing through his head belonged to his mother or Ivan. Maybe it was his own.

 

 


	20. twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quickly: there is some interesting/exciting stuff I put in the endnote so make sure to read that. Now enjoy reading :)

 

Yuri was staring at the bag in his hand, holding it up into the sunlight falling through the kitchen-window like he expected the powder to start sparkling like loose glitter. Of cause it didn’t, it was dusty like flour, turning the insides of the plastic-bag powdery. Yuri’s heartbeat was drumming through his ears, tuning all other sounds out while he looked at it until the edges around his vision started to blur.  
  
He had been wrong, the white dust was changing colors. Red. Blue. Red. Blue. Red. Blue. A picture he had seen before. _White was covering the table in the living room like faint dusts of snow, almost glowing in the foggy hours of dawn. His mother was sleeping next to it on the couch, blonde strands of hair sticking to her mouth that was smudged with lipstick. His small hands had dialled his grandfather’s phone number when she wouldn’t wake up. Shortly after, blue and red lights had illuminated the quiet morning, breaking the silence with sirens._

Yuri blinked and the colors disappeared. He couldn’t tell for certain if there's cocaine in the bag but he assumed it was. He didn’t need confirmation to know that he was scared of it. Fascinated and scared. The bag weighted barely anything and didn't contain much. He shovelled more sugar into his coffee earlier and yet it made his heart race from just looking at it.

This is the poison that destroyed his life, Yuri realized. This is the same stuff that took his mother away from him until it became more important to her than her own child. A small heap of chalk-like dust that seemed harmless enough to blow away in the wind, but had the power to take over people’s life’s and destroy it. He held the devil in his hands.  
  
Unlike most people, Yuri didn’t think of all drugs the same. He knew that there were people that thought that too much coffee was already dangerous. Here, where alcohol and cigarettes belonged to the daily meal like salt and pepper, the lines were a bit more blurred.  
A little weed had never bothered Yuri, it was just a plant after all. It made you a little lazy, a little giggly and mostly hungry. Every now and then after a stressful day at work, he had enjoyed sharing a spliff with Ivan until he felt calm and sleepy.  
The few times he took little colourful party-pills also didn’t seem as drastic to him as it would seem to others. He simply danced until they wore off a few hours later, leaving him sober again. It was a luxury, not a every day thing.  
  
But there were lines even Yuri didn’t dare to cross. Starting with everything that got sniffed from mirrors and ending with everything that got injected through a needle in dirty bathroom-stalls. He always thought Ivan knew that. It was hard to wrap his head around why he had done that. Yuri always thought that if he’d ever get his hands on this shit, it would at least be his own fault. Now that his friend was the one to bring it to him, he didn’t knew how to deal with it. Maybe it wasn’t fair to Ivan, but it felt a little like betrayal. It felt a little like being pushed towards the edge of a cliff and then being asked: _you wanted to jump anyway, didn’t you?_

Yuri was somewhat aware that he needed to do something, either take it or throw it away because he knew that he just couldn’t put it down and care about it later. Something horrible would happen if he left it out of sight, so he didn’t do anything and kept staring it. His thoughts were too loud to be heard properly, inseparable from the drumming of his heartbeat and the blood rushing through his ears.

„Yuri?“ And suddenly everything turned very quiet.  
  
He knew that voice but he hadn’t heard him coming, not the frontdoor clicking shut nor his approaching steps. Not even the motorbike. He was scared to turn around. Slowly, he lowered his hand but he couldn’t put the bag away. The plastic was sticking to his clammy palm and sweat broke out across his neck despite the little sunlight falling in from the cloudy sky not being nearly enough to heat his skin. There was no point in hiding, he would only insult Otabek by trying to do so. He felt shaky as he turned around.

Otabek still wore his booths, leatherjacket zipped all the way up. This hair was a little mussed from he helmet he held under his arm, gloves stuffed into it. On his shoulder hung a backpack that looked like it wanted to burst, a bag of toast poking out from where it wouldn’t zip close all the way. There was a storm raging in his eyes that had Yuri swallowing with a dry mouth.

„Ivan was here.“ Yuri whispered, not knowing what else to say.  
  
Otabek put the backpack on the table, his helmet next to it. When he unzipped his jacket Yuri saw that he was still wearing one of his shirts underneath. The sight made him swallow again and the movement hurt his dry throat. Otabek didn’t answer and his silence was defeating, without rushing he walked over to where Yuri still stood by the sink and suddenly Yuri remembered the glass-shards in there and the smell of alcohol that still lingered in the room. Otabek’s shoulders were tense, his jaw clenched. Calm anger slowly burning through his veins.  
  
Without a word, he extended his hand towards Yuri, palm up. Yuri’s own fingers felt cold as he loosened them around he bag when he put it into Otabek’s hand. Just like Yuri had before, Otabek raised it and held it against the light, looking at it like it was a disgusting insect.  
  
Then he looked back at Yuri with a look that wasn’t less piercing. „Cake mix?“ He asked with a voice that barely contained is anger and held a gut-wrenching portion of disappointment.  
  
„No.“ Yuri said and the guilt alone for having caused Otabek to look at him like that, was enough to make tears pool in his eyes.  
  
Otabek turned away from him in a sharp movement and with a few long strides, he was back by the kitchen table. Yuri watched in confusion how he pushed the pile of mail and the backpack with the groceries towards one end of the table, cleaning most of the scratched surface. He wanted to walk over to Otabek, force him to look at him and explain himself but his legs seemed to me made out of jello and his hammering heartbeat fuelled his growing anxiety, glueing him to the spot. By the time Otabek shrugged out his jacket and thew his wallet onto the table, Yuri still didn’t understand. Why wasn’t Otabek yelling at him? Why wasn’t he talking to him? _Please look at me at least._

Yuri’s world stopped spinning when Otabek opened the bag and poured some of the powder out on the table, a little mountain of snow that sat there unmoving like a poisonous snake ready to attack.  
  
„What are you doing?“ Yuri could barely hear his own voice through the drumming in his ears.  
  
Otabek ignored him as he calmly opened his wallet and took a card out of it, which he then used to divide the durst into little thin white lines. Carefully, until they had the same length, all while Yuri felt himself getting lightheaded.  
  
_„What are you doing?“_ And this time Yuri’s hysteric voice echoed from the kitchen tiles as his body finally remembered how to move. He stumbled over to Otabek and pushed against his chest, trying to get him away from the table. It was like shoving against a wall.  
  
„What is it? Don’t you wanna share with me?“ Yuri was too shaken to place the emotions behind Otabek’s words but the hard stare from his dark eyes was unyielding.  
  
Yuri shook his head desperately, hair flying everywhere as it slipped out from his bun. Panic was shooting through him at the unexpected turn this situation had taken, constricting his throat. He had no words for the horror that was unfolding in front of him. With wide eyes he pleaded Otabek to _stop_ , feeling like falling into the nothingness the longer Otabek fought him with his cold stare.  
  
„Fine. You wanna go first then?“ Otabek asked and offered him a rolled up bill, the invitation behind the gesture clear.  
  
Yuri took a step backwards, away from Otabek. He shook his head again, feeling his lips starting to tremble. _Why are you doing this?_ Yuri couldn’t wrap his head around why this was happening, this was so unlike something Otabek would do and yet he didn’t seem to joke. If he thought he was scared before, he was terrified now. The urge to spin around and run away from the situation seemed like his only way out with every passing second but that would mean that he would have to leave Otabek out of sight and with the way he was currently acting, that absolutely wasn’t an option.  
  
„No.“ He said trying to not let his voice shake too much. This was getting out of control but he had to try to bring Otabek to listen to him. He clearly wasn’t thinking straight. „I didn’t ask Ivan for this.“  
  
„But you kept it.“ Yuri didn’t have an answer for that. Yes he had but not for the reasons Otabek might thought. Yuri wasn’t sure himself why he had kept the bag but he knew that ever since he saw it dangling from Ivan’s fingers, he hadn’t wanted to open it once.  
  
Otabek seemed to take his silence for some kind of confession. „Okay, I’ll go first then.“ He said and shoved Yuri aside, bending down and putting one elbow on the table while Yuri’s heart leaped painfully in his tight chest.  
  
„Beka,“ he gasped, “You can’t do that.  _Otabek!“_  Yuri clawed at his arms, trying to pull him back and away from the table that Otabek was shielding from him with his board back. „Don’t do this. _Please,_ don’t fucking do this.“ His words turned from sobs into screams and back again. He felt as if he would throw up any second, getting dizzy from being so scared.  
  
„Then what makes you think you can do something like this.“ Otabek yelled and his deep voice was drumming through Yuri’s bones like roaring thunder. With one angry movement he wiped his arm across the table, making it snow while the pile of mail slithered across the kitchen tiles after they flew down with the force of the hit. The dust was settling around them as Otabek spun around to face Yuri, rage and desperation written all over his face.  
  
His hands were shaking as he baled them to fists and his chest was rising and falling unsteadily while he tried to control his erratic breaths. For a second Yuri was scared of him and it caused him to take another step back but then he saw that behind the storm in Otabek’s eyes, he looked a little like the wanted to start sobbing too. „Your breath smells like alcohol.“ Otabek pressed out between clenched teeth and Yuri’s eyes quickly darted over to the sink full of shards. „You promised me something Yuri.“  
  
„I poured it down the sink.“ Yuri’s voice was shaking with tears he was trying to hold back, Otabek’s with the anger he was trying to suppress.  
  
„Is that why I can smell it on you?“ It wasn’t really a question, more accusation. Yuri knew how it looked like.  
  
„Beka, you have to believe me. I’m not drunk, let me explain this.“  
  
„I have to believe you?“ Otabek raised his voice again and Yuri absolutely hated it. He had never screamed at him like this before. Otabek grabbed the bag from the table behind him and held it up before he threw it across room and into the sink. „Doesn’t this look pretty bad to you, Yuri? Don’t you realize how bad this is?“  
  
Answering Otabek's question suddenly seemed secondary to Yuri. „So you didn’t actually wanted to take it?“ He held his breath, for now this was the most important answer.  
  
Otabek’s face hardened. „Of course I didn’t, are you out of your mind?“  
  
Now Yuri couldn’t hold his tears back any longer. „Then why did you act like you were going to? Why would you do that to me?“ His voice sounded pathetic and he wrapped his arms around himself while he tried to swallow the rest of his tears.  
  
Otabek didn’t came closer to comfort him. „Why would you do that to me? I leave you alone for an hour and I come back to _this._ How on earth am I supposed to help you if you’re trying to destroy yourself ? How am I supposed to fight an addiction that pulls you so far away from me?“  
  
„I didn’t take it.“ Now Yuri was screaming too, his voice cracking wetly. „I never have and I never would. My Mom overdosed on cocaine when I was a kid, she almost died. I was the one to find her and call an ambulance.“ He was getting hysteric. „When they finally released her from the hospital, she didn’t want me back. My father had already left long ago and then she abandoned me too. So please believe me, I _know_ how bad it is. That stuff ruined my childhood, I swear I don’t have a drug problem.“ Otabek stared at him with wide eyes as he hiccuped. „I’m scared of it, _please_ believe me that I didn’t took it. I would never do that to someone I love.“  
  
Otabek swallowed, looking as scared as Yuri felt. With the sleeve of his hoodie, Yuri wiped his nose and choked down another wave of anxiety when he realised what he just admitted. He reminded himself that he wanted to be brave, for Otabek, for his own sake.  
  
„Beka, I love you.“

For a few moments, it was completely silent in the dusty kitchen save for two erratic heartbeats. Otabek opened his mouth several times as if he wanted to say something only to close it again while a hundred different emotions flickered over his face, too fast that Yuri could’ve read them.  
  
To say that Yuri was scared of his answer would've been an understatement but the longer Otabek stayed silent, the more Yuri realized that _no_ answer would be much worse than anything that he could say out loud. It took him every ounce of strength he possessed to not take his words back, to not scream at Otabek in defence or to run away from him as far as he could, never looking back. But the uncertainty made him nauseous with anxiety no matter how hard he tried to ignore it. He knew that if he wanted to save whatever was left of him and Beka, he would have to sit this one out.  
  
„Yuri, this is-„ When Otabek finally decided to speak up, another rush of fear went through Yuri and he stopped him before he could finish whatever it was that he had wanted to say.  
  
„No wait, I- we, _fuck_. Can we talk?“ Yuri chipped in, uncertainty lacing his voice. “I need to tell you…some stuff and it won’t be easy. I don’t wanna chicken out again and I owe you the truth. The whole ugly thing. I feel like you need to hear it before you say anything about, _you know_. So please?“  
  
The air was still thick with tension. Yuri’s lashes still clung together wetly and there was white dust clinging to the underside of Otabek’s forearm that he needed to wash off. Their voices were raw from screaming and they both felt exhausted and restlessly tense at the same time. They really shout talk. They _needed_ to talk.  
  
„Okay.“ Otabek’s emotions were all over the place as were his thoughts. He hoped to have more clarity by the end of their conversation but his expectations were unsettlingly low now. Maybe he had overestimated himself when he thought that this mess could be fixed without draining him too much.

„Okay.“ Yuri repeated, a bit shaky but with clear relief. „But not here okay? There is …stuff everywhere. Maybe we could go outside for a bit? Out of the house?“  
  
Otabek nodded. „I’ll meet you in the garden, I’m just gonna go and wash my hands first.“  


**xxx**  


For it being late April, it was still cloudy and a little chilly outside, with the sun occasionally poking through blindingly before it disappeared again for a few minutes.  
  
Otabek and Yuri sat on the wonky steps behind the house, leaning against the backdoor. Yuri had his knees drawn up against his chest and his arms wrapped around them to protect himself from the wind and his own vulnerability. His naked toes were brushing against some overgrown weeds which seemed to take-over the steps slowly. Next to him, Otabek had his hands buried deeply into the pockets of his leather-jacket and a unreadable expression on his face as he looked straight ahead out into the messy, unkempt garden. Yuri’s eyes followed his gaze, maybe it would be easier to talk if he pretended that only the trees were listening.  
  
„I don’t really know were to start.“ He admitted quietly after a while.  
  
„You said you wanted to tell me the whole truth.“ Otabek answered to which Yuri nodded until he remembered that Otabek currently wasn’t looking at him.  
  
„I know and I know that I owe you an explanation but that doesn’t mean that it’s easy for me. I’m actually really scared.“  
  
„Why?“  
  
„Because everyone I let close eventually leaves me.“  
  
„But I’m still here. I doubt you could tell me anything that would make me want to leave, if you think about what you did to me already.“  
  
Otabek’s words stabbed right through him and Yuri had to swallow any dumb attempts to hurt Otabek right back because he knew that he was right. „It’s not just that.“  
  
„What then?“  
  
„I guess I’m afraid of opening up, it’s not that I don’t trust you but what if I bare my ugly soul open in front of you and you see how messed up I really am inside? I will make myself vulnerable like I never allow myself to and give you the power to hurt me into the very core. I don’t know what I would do if…“  
  
„If _what?“_  
  
„If after this, you'll never look at me again like you did yesterday.“ Yuri whispered, furiously wiping at his lashes that had somehow become wet again.  
  
„I thought you trusted me?“ Otabek asked, his voice a little softer now. „I looked at you like this from the beginning and I looked at you the same way yesterday when we slept together, all things considered and very aware of everything that happened in between.“  
  
Yuri desperately wanted a smoke. He started toying with his lighter between his fingers until Otabek took it away from him. Yuri looked up at him. „But that was yesterday.“ His empty stomach was churning with the bitter coffee and anxiety sloshing around in it.  
  
Otabek looked down on him, shadows under his beautiful eyes. „Put some trust in me, Yura and start from the beginning.“  
  
So Yuri did. He started with the memories of his parents fighting, with living somewhere else and barely seeing his grandfather, too little to understand what was going on but not too young to be scared by the loud angry voices.  
  
„I think it broke my mothers heart when my father left us, left her. That’s the only way I can think of why she started acting the way she did.“  
  
He told Otabek how his Mama used to leave him alone for hours at time, first with co-workers and friends, later all on his own while she was away doing God-knows-what. How he used to miss her terribly, unable to understand why she wouldn’t want to spend time with him.  
  
„My Mama liked pretty things. Makeup and jewellery, she would spend hours getting ready, curling her hair and picking the right heels for her dress. I wanted to be one of those things too, I used to get so happy when she called me her pretty boy, when she told me that I was nothing like my father but much more like her instead.“  
  
Otabek didn’t interrupt him but listened as Yuri continued. He told him how he longed to please his mother by growing out his hair to look more like her, by being a good boy and helping her out with the housework more than such a small child should have.

„No matter what I did, I was never good enough and she would get moody, back then I didn’t understand and that only made me try harder. She was the only family I really had, my only friend so I stayed up all night and wait for her to come back home. But the more she left me alone, the angrier I got about her broken promises. At first she tried to lure me back in with presents and even more promises to make me forget that she wasn’t there for me but eventually she stopped caring all together.“  
  
It was hard for Yuri to say those things out loud. How neglecting and abusing his mother had been, how much little Yuri had to be on his own. Remembering the hours he had spend with himself in an empty apartment, only to wake up to the sounds of a party in the living room by the early morning hours. He had practically spend more time with her drunk friends and shitty lovers than with her.  
  
„I think as the drugs and alcohol were starting to mess with her mind, she actually thought me to be a little version of herself. Maybe that’s why she started to hate me but sometimes she wanted to warn me too. She used to tell me that all men were the same, that they only wanted one thing from me and that I couldn’t trust them. She warned me to never fall in love.“ At this point, Otabek scooted a bit closer to him until their shoulders were touching. „She told me the only way to get what I wanted, would be to give the people what they liked. A pretty face will get you far, that’s what she used to tell me and I believed her. So I always tried to be a pretty boy.“  
  
A few more tears escaped Yuri when he told Otabek about the increasing parties at their apartment, filled with drunk strangers and men his mother would take into her bedroom while Yuri was forced to stay up at night due to the noise. Then he told him about the overdose, calling his grandpa and his mom being in the hospital.  
  
„When grandpa came to take care of me, he was shocked to see in what a state the apartment was despite my tries to keep it clean but I was just a little kid, you know? He didn’t had a clue about my mothers addiction, our money problems or me being on my own most of the time. They fought a lot when she was finally released from the hospital but she didn’t seem to care. I didn’t realize that because I was so happy that she didn’t die, I loved her so much.“

Yuri played with the weeds, ripping long strands out and curling them around his fingers like green rings. He told Otabek how his mother left him, choosing her freedom and drugs over him. How he wouldn’t accept it at fist, believing that she would come back and when she didn’t, how angry he got, wanting to stop dancing and cutting off his hair despite loving both, before settling into a new life with his grandfather.  
  
„I loved my grandpa and eventually I was grateful that he took me in. Life with him was much better, less lonely and I knew that he loved me too but I could never really shake the feeling that I was a burden too him, that I caused him too much trouble. But I was happy here, well not in his town but in his house. It was a _home_.“

He felt Otabek glancing at him every now and then but Yuri kept his eyes on the garden or his feet, wanting to focus on his story, afraid that his bravery would leave him before he came to the parts that would include Otabek.  
  
„Of cause my mothers predictions became true. People didn’t care about me but much more what was inside my pants, especially when they were older and thought me to be a girl. You saw yourself how the people in this town treat me so I can spare you the details but there were many reasons and situations that made me want to learn quickly how to throw a decent punch. But I also made use of what my mother thought me. I used my pretty face to get my job at the Diner and earn myself tips. It got me into clubs for free, made strangers buy me drinks. It got me another job at the club we ran into each other and it made it harder for people to say no to me, I learned to use it for my advantage.“  
  
Yuri didn’t hide from Otabek how his pretty face and feminine body also got him into trouble, especially paired with is feisty attitude and big mouth. He got talked about and insulted. Bullied at school and outcast, which he didn’t care too much about but it was harder to make friends that way. Ivan was an exception.

„I don’t like that guy,“ Otabek growled, interrupting him for the first time since Yuri started spilling his story to him. „the first time I met him he got you drunk, beaten up badly and almost raped and today he dropped a bag of cocaine into your lap like it’s a _I’m sorry for your loss_ card.“  
  
Yuri sighed. „I don’t wanna defend him, I know I wouldn’t succeed with that anyway and honestly? I don’t know what to think about him after today myself but before that, he was my best friend. He always had my back. You don’t need to understand that but let me tell you, I got him into trouble at least as often as he did.“  
  
Otabek huffed out a breath mockingly but stayed quiet otherwise, dropping the topic for now. Yuri continued like nothing had happened, bracing himself for what was to come now.  
  
„So I lived with my grandpa after my parents left me because I was unloveable and they were selfish. I moved here and hated everything about this town except my grandpa, this house and sometimes, Ivan. School was a necessary nightmare and my job at the Dinner was a pain in the ass even tho I liked that better because the tips allowed me to pay for my dancing lessons and buy myself some nice things. For fun we went clubbing and dancing and my only goal and wish was to save up enough money to some day move away from here to be happy somewhere else.“  
  
_And then dedushka died._ He didn’t want to say that out loud but he almost did. Yuri shook his head, if he thought about his grandpa too much now, he would only start to cry again. He needed to get a grip.   
  
„And then there was you.“ Yuri whispered instead, too scared to look at Otabek.  
  
„What was the deal with me?“  
  
„You didn’t care about the rules I had set for myself.“  
  
„I didn’t knew there were rules.“  
  
„You kept coming back, I didn’t expect that. You wanted to get to know me, I didn’t knew how to deal with that.“  
  
„I couldn’t get you out of my head.“ The honesty in Otabek’s voice made Yuri’s chest tighten.  
  
„Me neither. You irritated me and that angered me, I didn’t want to care about you, I didn’t want to get close to you.“  
  
„Why?“ Otabek demanded.  
  
„It would hurt too much if you ended up leaving me. I didn’t want to fall in love.“  
  
„Is that why you fought me? Why did you push me away, Yuri?“  
  
„Because I’m not as pretty on the inside as I am on the outside, I didn’t want you to find that out and leave.“  
  
„Bullshit.“ Otabek spat.  
  
Yuri ignored his outburst. „I eventually ended up trusting you. I don’t know if I allowed myself to be with you, or if I simply forgot about my own rules when I was with you but I couldn’t fight my feelings for you any longer. It was becoming too painful.“  
  
„You could have told me, you left me completely in the darkness.“  
  
„I couldn’t, I’m sorry but I didn’t allow myself.“  
  
„I don’t understand that.“ Otabek sounded frustrated. Then he remembered what Yuri just told him about his mother and maybe he did understand. A little at least.  
  
„I know.“ Yuri admitted, feeling guilty for causing so much confusion and pain.  
  
„Explain it to me, you said you would tell me the truth. You ran away when I told you that I loved you, leaving that horrible letter behind. Now you said that you love me back but I don’t know what to believe.“ Otabek was staring at him, his gaze burning into the side of Yuri’s face.  
  
He took a deep breath. „Last summer, I was really happy with you. I had never felt anything like this before, never wanted to be so close to another person before but I was too afraid to think about my own feelings because I was still scared of you getting tired of me eventually and abandoning me, you know? I just wanted to be happy.“  
  
Yuri ripped some grass apart into little pieces, trying to stay calm. „After I graduated, I wanted to save enough money up to leave town and move away with my grandpa. I think I secretly dreamed about becoming a part of your life as well, I thought maybe I could change the path my life was taking. Getting away from the problems of this town, avoiding becoming like my mother which was my biggest fear.“ Yuri laughed without humour.  
  
„The day I started crying at the Diner, followed by the bar-fight, was the day I found out that my grandpa was really sick. He had hid it from me and I felt really hurt by that, betrayed. I was also so scared of loosing him, my only family.“ Yuri’s voice became wet with tears once more. „I swore that I would do everything to save him, pay the bills from the doctor and make more money to get him the medication he needed. My dream of moving away with him bursted and money started running through my fingers like sand. I took a second job, worked day and night and barely slept. There wasn't time for anything else, especially not you.“ The regret was audible when he told Otabek this.  
  
„You should have told me, I could have helped.“ Otabek sounded bitter, frustrated. Everything about this was so unfair.   
  
„No, that was my problem, I couldn’t ask any more of you. I had already put you through so much at this point and I didn’t want to damage that fragile thing between us further by dumping all my shit onto it.“  
  
„I thought you were fed up with me, I would have been there for you if I knew.“ Otabek explained, raising his voice.  
  
„I know.“ Yuri said, wiping his tears away with the sleeve of his hoodie. He stared down at the chipped silver nail-polish on his toes, needing a moment to collect his thoughts. „When you told me that you loved me,“ Yuri’s voice cracked a little, „I realized how selfish I was acting. It wasn’t fair of me to keep you around if I could never give you back what you deserved. I was too scared to let you in and it seemed cruel to keep you around, knowing that I wouldn’t have time for you because I was working all day and nursing my grandpa. I was a anxious, stressed mess and you deserved someone who would be there for you at all times and not push you away constantly or yell at you when they were too tired and angry.“  
  
„I wish you would have told me, I would have waited for you. We could’ve worked something out.“ Otabek’s voice showed how affected he was by Yuri’s reveal.  
  
„No,“ Yuri shook his head,“ I didn’t want that, I wanted you to be happy.“  
  
„I was happy with you.“ Otabek yelled. „And when you left I was miserable. Why did you write that letter?“  
  
Yuri swallowed, looking away. „I realized that if you really loved me, then you wouldn’t give up on me. You would always come back to me, wait for me, trying to save me because that's just who you are. Letting you do that would be incredibly cruel of me, selfish. I couldn’t allow you to chain yourself to me and a life of misery in his dead-end town, it would’ve destroyed us. So I wrote that letter, hoping it would hurt you enough to hate me.“ Yuri’s vision was becoming blurry with tears. „And it worked.“  
  
„You had no right to do that.“ Otabek’s voice was dripping with venom and pain. „This was something I needed to decide for myself and you took that away from me. That was selfish Yuri, that was cruel! You destroyed us before we even had a chance by never fucking talking to me.“ Otabek got louder again. „This isn’t what trust looks like.“  
  
Yuri curled up on himself, burring his fingers into his hair. He knew that Otabek was right, he knew that he had every right to be angry but that didn’t mean that his words didn’t hurt and made him fear that he would have finally enough, storming away from Yuri and leaving for good.   
  
„Will you believe me that I’m sorry? That I wish I never had to do that?“  
  
_You never had to do that!_  Otabek bit his tongue to prevent the sharp words from coming out. „I wanna hear the rest. What happened then?“ He tried to swallow his anger in order to keep his head clear.  
  
„I ran away from your apartment, took the next bus home and spend the two-hour drive sobbing like a little bitch.“  
  
„What?“  
  
„I felt like I had left my heart behind with you and the pain was tearing me up from the inside, making me regret my actions instantly. I knew that what I did was right but leaving you felt like dying. I hated myself so much.“  
  
Otabek swallowed, his anger forgotten for the moment. „I don’t understand.“ He whispered as Yuri turned his head and their eyes met.  
  
„I realized that I loved you too, more than I could have ever imagined.“ Yuri was smiling sadly, looking so beautiful and so pale.  
  
Otabek had to think back to their fight in the kitchen. „Is that true?“  
  
Yuri nodded.  
  
„I’m serious, Yuri, did you mean it? I don’t want you to say such things just because you think I want to hear it. I don’t want you to say that because you wanna end a fight or convince me that you don’t have a drug problem. I don’t want you to say it because you’re afraid of me leaving or hating you. So did you really mean it? Because I couldn’t bear it if this was another lie, I couldn’t forgive you if you were lying about this too.“  
  
„I promised you the truth, Beka. No more lies, I swear it. Not after everything that you’ve done for me.“ Yuri promised, removing all his guards for Otabek and hoped that he saw it. „I love you Beka and that’s the truth.“  
  
„Don’t think that I’m not angry at you any longer,“ Otabek pressed out between clenched teeth, unshed tears burning in his eyes,“ and don’t think that I will forgive you like that, I still don’t trust you,“ Otabek said and Yuri’s heart painfully skipped a beat, “but that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you too.“ He hissed out and leaned over to kiss Yuri on his trembling lips.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my, I'm sorry that I left you guys waiting on that horrible cliffhanger, I know I'm the worst. 
> 
> In other news: As I'm writing this, this story has almost reached 10K hits (which is so cool and crazy, thank you guys so much) and to celebrate this milestone, I made a soundtrack/playlist for this story which you can listen to [here](https://open.spotify.com/user/jujurotfuchs/playlist/0FqV0Z4EZ8hqSqpGMQtLMe) I hope you'll enjoy it, let me know what you think. 
> 
> I'm also working on some other Otayuri stuff which I plan to upload on here next month, so if you like my writing and don't wanna miss out, please subscribe to my AO3 page (a LOT of you are subscribed to this AU which is so cool but most of you aren't to my writing page so feel free to change that if you want to) 
> 
> And while I'm already at it, I'm just gonna dump [my tumblr here](https://yours-julie.tumblr.com/) too because I sometimes post little things about this story there too and it's always fun to meet new people, so come say Hi 
> 
> Thank you guys for reading, commenting and supporting this story, it means a lot to me. You're all such lovely people <3


	21. twenty one

  
Ever since his grandfather had died, Yuri had felt as if all his thoughts were clouded by a fog and as if all his emotions were additionally raw and painful in comparison. Otabek had lifted that fog and while his presence helped soothing that awful pain of grief, it was still only a small band-aid placed over a deep cut.   
Yuri knew that nothing would be able to close that wound. Not Otabek, not anything that would’ve numbed his mind, not even time. Maybe, _hopefully_ , it would get smaller one day, would stop burning but it would never fully disappear again. It was a bitter comfort, really but if Yuri were to choose between forgetting and pain, he would choose pain. Whatever was left of his Grandfather inside of his mind and heart, he would keep it with him.   
  
Now, Yuri had never believed that love was a cure for everything that was wrong. If love would be enough, then his parents would’ve never split up. If love would be enough, his mother wouldn’t have left him. If love would be enough, his grandfather wouldn’t have died before Yuri was ready to be without him. Love, Yuri had always thought, was a unreliable and more fragile than glass.   
But having Otabek still here after everything, made him question his own thoughts for the first time. Maybe Love could be reliable if it was strong enough, maybe it could grow from fragile into something strong if you worked enough on it, fought for it. At least that was what Otabek seemed to believe and he was pretty smart after all.

That still didn’t made love a cure for his broken heart or his shitty situation but it made it a welcomed distraction. The last good thing he had left, something that got damaged but not destroyed when everything else had been crumbling down around him. Did he deserve it? _No._ Would he fight for it nevertheless? Yes, absolutely.   
Yuri had no idea how. And he was terrified of fucking things up and hurting Beka but he had mad some promises he intended to keep. _No more lies. Let Beka decide what he can and can’t handle. Let Beka love you if he wants to. Don’t hide your love from Beka. Be brave. For Beka. For yourself. For grandpa. Keep going._  
  
So Yuri allowed himself to sink into Otabek’s arms after their kiss, letting him hold him until the wind picked up and it got too cold to sit outside for longer, the sky turning grey with rainclouds.

 

**xxx**

 

Their fight had drained both of them, leaving a exhausted and tired mood behind. Still, they held hands as they went back inside once it started to rain and put the forgotten groceries together away. Then Otabek send him away to clean the kitchen, ignoring any protests from Yuri to at least let him help with the broken glass.  
While Otabek mopped the floor and got rid of the remains of their fight, Yuri wandered through his room aimlessly, stepping over all his things that were littering the floor. He vaguely remembered throwing them around in rage, not knowing how to handle all this anger after the funeral. He should really clean it up before Otabek would do it himself. He had done so much for Yuri.   
  
Yuri couldn’t deny that he felt already sleepy again as he sorted through his clothes and belongings, sitting on the floor amongst them. After having lived like a Zombie for the last few weeks, he was embarrassingly exhausted by the simple chore and the emotional turmoil he had experienced this morning. He longed for his bed, wanting to hide under his soft blanket once more and just sleep for a while.   
It felt temping, giving up his responsibilities, letting someone else handle all the things Yuri had no strength left for. But that wouldn’t have been fair to Otabek and if Yuri was honest, it probably wasn’t good for him either. Not that he cared too much about his own well being but he had sworn himself to treat Otabek better from now on and that included helping him with the mess that wasn’t his to begin with. If Yuri wanted to keep him around, if Yuri wanted to made sure that Otabek was somewhat happy around him - then he needed to make an effort to achieve just that.  
  
He made three piles out of his things until the floor was visible again. _Needs to be washed, needs to be put away_ and _needs to be thrown away_. Yuri put all the trash into a bin-bag and put it aside so it could be carried outside later. Then he brought all his dirty clothes over to the washer, shoving half of it in after he took his wet bedding out and halfheartedly hung it up. The stuff that needed to be put away remained in its pile, Yuri couldn’t deal with it now. He was just contemplating crawling back inside his bed as a reward, when Otabek showed up in his, now much cleaner, bedroom.   
  
„The kitchen is spotless again.“ He said, smiling at the fact that Yuri had decided to do something to improve his living space too.  
  
„Thanks.“   
  
„I wanted to apologize, for the way I acted earlier. I know I scared you.“ Otabek was talking about their fight in the kitchen, looking remorseful.   
  
Yuri nodded. „I scared you too, it’s okay.“   
  
„No it’s not, I should’ve handled the situation better. I just…freaked out.“ Yuri could see that the fact that Otabek had lost control, really bothered him. He usually tried to stay calm no matter the situation but this morning, he had lost it.   
  
Yuri went over to him and, a little shyly, wrapped his arms around him. „I’m not mad, Beka.“ He whispered, knowing that he had freaked out much more often than Otabek ever could. „We’re trying to do better from now on, right?“   
  
They stood hugging each other and it felt like something between them was growing back that both of them had missed, bonding them closer together. „Right.“ Otabek said into Yuri’s hair. „We’ll do better.“   
  
A few minutes later, Otabek’s stomach growled so loudly, it could’ve been mistaken for a angry grizzly. Yuri, who had completely fucked his own eating habits up, hadn’t even realised that it was already past lunch time and they still hadn’t eaten anything.  
Back in the kitchen, which really was spotless and showed no more signs of the emotional distress it had witnessed earlier, Yuri decided to do something for Beka for once and made him some scrambled eggs. His grandpa had shown him how to make them very fluffy, adding some onions and garden herbs so they would taste even better. With the bread in the toaster and the tee brewing, Otabek stood behind Yuri to watch what he was doing.   
  
„Will you eat something too?“ He asked quietly, hesitation catching in his words.   
  
Yuri’s eyebrows knitted in confusion as he stirred the eggs on low flame. „What do you mean? I’m making something to eat just now.“  
  
„Yeah but that wasn’t my question.“ Otabek said calmly, trying to not provoke another fight.   
  
„Then ask what you’re really wanna ask me, don’t start tip-toeing around me now, Beka.“ Yuri said, not as calmly but not angry either.   
  
Otabek swallowed. „I feel like you haven't eaten properly since…recently. And that worries me.“   
  
Yuri turned off the flame, turning around to look Otabek in the eyes. „I haven’t done anything properly, recently. I was sad, I was angry but I didn’t do normal things. I just…forgot? Or I stopped doing them because I didn’t care much how the house looked, how I looked or what I needed.“ Yuri stopped talking and bit his lip when Otabek’s eyes turned sadder with every word that came out of his mouth. Yuri reached for his hands. „Listen, Beka. It was like being sick, I didn’t had the strength to eat or shower, nor did I really want to. I just wanted to sleep and get better.“   
  
„Are you better now?“   
  
„A little.“ Yuri squeezed his fingers. „You’re helping.“   
  
„Am I? Because I feel a bit useless, I don’t know how to make things better.“   
  
„You can’t, that’s the thing. You can bathe me, you can feed me, you can clean up after me and while that’s helping me a lot, it won’t make things better. I need to do these things on my own.“   
  
Otabek furrowed his eyebrows, opening his mouth to object.   
  
„No, wait. Don’t get me wrong, I do want you here and I probably need all the help I can get but…I can’t let you do everything alone, it’s not something you can deal with for me and give it back to me when it’s all good again. It’s something I need to fix, not you.“   
  
„You’re not cutting me out again, are you?“   
  
Yuri fondly shook his head. „No, I want you as close as possible. Things aren’t as scary when you’re with me.“   
  
Otabek smiled. „So you’ll allow me to care for you as long as you take care of yourself too?“   
  
„Yeah,“ Yuri nodded. „Something like that. As long as we’ll take care of you too.“ He blushed a little, _god that sounded so stupid!_   
  
But Otabek didn’t seem to think so as his smile widened. „Yeah, something like that.“ He gently mocked before leaning forward, kissing Yuri lightly.   
  
They both broke apart that he surprising sound of Yuri’s growling stomach. „Does that answer your question whether or not I wanna eat breakfast?“

 

**xxx**

 

Now that time was passing steadily again and the fog around his mind had been lifted, Yuri wasn’t sure what to do with all his free time. He tried to remember what he used to do with it.   
  
_Working at the Diner. Clothes shopping. Painting his nails. Cooking dinner with grandpa. Taking the bus to the dance studio. Nights out at Bars. Cracking nuts to feed the birds with his Grandpa. Counting down the days until Otabek showed up again. School. Getting drunk. Driving through town with Ivan. Peeling potatoes for his Grandpa. Dancing. Feeding stray cats, keeping them away from the birds. Driving Grandpa to his appointments. Spending time with Otabek. Re-painting the house. Getting high with Ivan and the girls. Working more. Sleeping in the sun-warm grass during summer. Missing Beka. Playing cards with Grandpa. Saving up money, counting it_.

Now everything was different and he had lost his rhythm. Routines didn’t exist any longer.   
  
_Be brave. For Beka. For yourself. For grandpa. Keep going_.  
  
For the longest time, Yuri had responsibilities to take care of. Getting through school, finishing school. Making enough money to help Grandpa out and being able to pay for dance lessons. Saving up more money for their future. Nursing Grandpa, paying for his medication and needs. But now? School was over. His Grandfather dead. He was probably fired from his job and most of his savings were gone after paying or the small funeral. The only responsibility left, was he himself, a house that no longer felt like a home and a lot of free time Yuri didn’t know what to do with. So where would he go from here?

 

**xxx**

 

They were laying in bed, curled around each other while the rain gently knocked on the windows, casting grey shadows inside Yuri’s bedroom. After breakfast, Yuri’s exhaustion had returned and Otabek, thank the heavens for him, had claimed that rainy days like this were made for doing nothing anyway and then joined him under the fresh blankets. They had wrapped their arms around each other right away.  
  
„Yura? Are you sleeping?“ Otabek asked into the comfortable silence, drawing small circles onto Yuri’s skin with his thumb.   
  
Yuri, who had been dozing a little, enjoying Otabek’s warmth and the sound of his steady heartbeat, answered: „Not really, it’s just nice having you here.“   
  
„I like when you say things like that.“   
  
„Why? It makes me sound like a sappy idiot, don’t you think so?“  
  
„No, until a few days ago I really thought that you didn’t care about me at all. After reading that letter…I thought that it was all just a game to you.“ Otabek’s voice was quiet and the echo of hurt in his words cut painfully through Yuri’s chest.   
  
„I never not cared about you.“ Yuri whispered without turning to look at him. „I wanted to not care about you but that was a waste of effort from the very beginning. After you first drove me home, I really wanted to see you again, I just though I never would. But every time you showed up at the Diner, my stupid heart skipped a beat. Every roaring engine had me raising my head, I looked after every guy in a leatherjacket and when you didn’t visit me during winter and I was such a bitch to you? I was actually fucking sad, I thought you were fed up with me.“  
  
„You were all I could think about, it was very confusing. All these ups and downs we had…I never knew what as going on inside of your head. So no, I don’t mind sappy things, it makes me happy when you trust me enough to tell me what you're thinking.“  
  
Yuri was quiet for a few seconds. „How are you not mad at me?“   
  
„What do you mean?“  
  
„It still seems like a dream to me that you lo- want me after how horrible I’ve been but…how aren’t you mad at me for all the times I pushed you away? It was confusing for you, you said so yourself.“   
  
Otabek’s fingers didn’t stop wandering over Yuri’s skin. „You were starting to open up to me and I knew if I would continue to earn your trust, then you would amaze me even more than you already did back then. And now that you told me so much about you, about your past - I understand you better, why you acted the way you did sometimes.“   
  
„Like an asshole?“ Yuri didn’t sound too happy.   
  
Otabek chuckled and pressed his nose behind Yuri’s ear. „Yeah…but I’m not mad at you, to answer your question. We’ll never move forward if we keep clinging to our past mistakes.“

„So we brush them aside? Isn’t that a bit like running away too?“ Yuri asked.  
  
„We learn from them, grow stronger. That’s not like running away at all.“  
  
„Do you think…that things would’ve been easier for us if I didn’t made it so hard for us to get together? That we would’ve been happier?“   
  
„I was always happy when I was with you. And we’re together now, I don’t care about _easy_ , I care about sticking together when it’s not.“   
  
Yuri turned in Otabek’s arms and looked at him, studying his face like Otabek was a riddle to be solved. Then he leaned forward to peck him on the lips. „Okay.“ He said. _Have a little trust._   
  
He curled back up against Otabek’s side, wrapping his arms around him. Yuri was starving, craving his warmth and touch and being a little embarrassed by being this needy and vulnerable. He wasn’t used to getting this much affection, not even wanting to. But Otabek was an exception for a lot of things, always had been. And he seemed content having Yuri so close, so Yuri let himself be comforted by his embrace and the thought that he wasn’t as lonely as he had feared.   
  
„It could’ve been like this from from the start.“ Yuri said quietly, pressing his face against Otabek’s t-shirt, _just in case._   
  
„Shhh.“ Otabek hushed gently, noticing the crack in Yuri’s voice. „Don’t think about it any longer. Let’s talk about something else, okay?“   
  
„Because you’re such a chatterbox?“ Yuri asked, the usual fire still missing from his voice. He knew very well that Otabek could hold a decent conversation, _with the right people._

Otabek ignored his snarky remark. „Tell me more about you, tell me something I don’t know yet.“   
  
Yuri looked up at him in confusion. „I already did that, the whole story.“   
  
„That’s not what I meant. I wanna know little things. I know you used to feed stray cats. I know you can shove an entire cheeseburger square in your tiny mouth. But I still don’t know your favorite colour. Things like that.“   
  
„It’s purple.“ Yuri blushed for some reason.   
  
„What else?“   
  
Yuri stayed quiet, counting the wrinkles in Otabek’s shirt.  
  
„Don’t think about it for too long, Yura. What do you like, what don’t?“   
  
„I like dancing barefoot the best.“ Yuri admitted, unsure if that was something Otabek would find interesting. „I don’t like cooked paprika, it’s mushy and weird. I eat peanuts in chocolate bars but I pick the whole hazelnuts out of big chocolates.“  
  
Otabek chuckled. „I could eat them for you now.“  
  
Strangely, that made Yuri smile. „Tell me some things about you too? Little things.“   
  
„I played soccer when I was younger.“   
  
Yuri wrinkled his nose. „Don’t expect me to ever play with you.“   
  
He ignored him again. „My mom thought me how to cook because she thought that only teaching girls how to make meals was sexist. I actually really enjoy it. I can even make cake.“   
  
„Ota _baker_.“ Yuri grinned.   
  
„No.“ Otabek said resolutely, squeezing Yuri around the waist to stop him from taking his teasing any further. „Your turn. What else?“   
  
„I hate celery.“ Yuri said. „Don’t come near me with it, it smells disgusting.“   
  
„Noted.“   
  
„No allergies.“   
  
„Me neither.“   
  
„I always really wanted a pet.“  
  
„Yeah me too but my mother doesn’t like how they loose fur, so she didn’t allow one inside the house. There is a cat at the garage that’s really tame though, she allows us workers to pet her and she steals our lunch.“  
  
„Did you always wanted to work as a mechanician?“ Yuri asked.  
  
„No, as a boy I wanted to be a Pokémon trainer. Then a race-car driver and a vet until I realized that my grades weren’t _that_ good and that dying animals make me cry like a baby. It took me embarrassingly long to realize that I could turn my hobby into a useful job.“ Otabek grinned down at him, hair falling a little into his eyes. „What did you wanted to be when you were younger?“   
  
„Happy.“ Yuri blurted out without thinking. He wanted to bite his tongue off when he saw the look in Otabek’s eyes. „A-and a dancer, I guess.“ He stammered to make up for it. „I always wanted to dance. As a job, as a hobby, didn’t matter as long as I would have money and time for it.“   
  
To his relief, Otabek didn't further comment on his outburst. „I’d love to see you dance again. It’s very inspiring for my music.“  
  
Yuri nodded. He didn’t want to think about dancing right now, he felt too comfortable and happy for once, talking about dancing would only remind him why he had given it up in the first place. So he changed the topic.

„What foods don’t you eat?“

„I’m not that picky but I wouldn’t eat the usual disgusting stuff, I guess? Cold fish from glasses, blue cheese or those overly sugary American milkshakes that come in jugs as big as babies and are stuffed with all kinds of waffle-cones, marshmallows and sauces. I do like sweets but that stuff looks like you’ll die if you finish even half of it.“  
  
He managed to make Yuri smile again. „You know what? I sometimes really like those silly American romantic movies. The people in it are all white, stupid and straight and the plot is always very predictable but I watch them anyways when I see one.“   
  
„See? That’s something I would’ve never guessed about you.“ Otabek sounded amused. „Tell me more secrets.“   
  
„A lot of my pants are too tight to wear any underwear beneath them.“   
  
Otabek’s eyes lit up. „Imaginable but still nice to hear.“   
  
„I think you’re ridiculously attractive and it used to make me really mad.“   
  
„Yeah?“   
  
„And after meeting you, it was unbearable for me to watch those romantic movies. It made not thinking about you impossible.“  
  
„Really?“ Otabek’s grin got a little more smug, a little more happy.  
  
„I also never slept with anyone before.“ Yuri’s heart threatened to jump out of his chest.   
  
Otabek’s smile faltered a little in confusion. „What?“   
  
„Don’t freak out.“ Yuri said, pleading with big eyes.   
  
„Wait. _What?_ “ Otabek sat up a little, looking more serious. „But in my apartment…“   
  
„I never slept with anyone but you.“ Yuri said carefully, giving Otabek time to catch up.   
  
„So when we…“ Otabek gestured between them. “The night I took you home and we were…“ He didn’t finish his sentence, looking a little scared.   
  
„That was my first time.“ Yuri said, putting and end to the mystery.   
  
A pause. Then: _„Why didn’t you tell me?“_ Otabek asked for the hundred time since he stepped into this house.   
  
„You would’ve freaked out, made a big deal about it.“   
  
„It is a big deal!“ Otabek insisted. „ _Was_ , I mean. It should have been.“   
  
„It was a big deal.“ Yuri took Otabek’s hands before he got the wrong impression. „But because of _you_. I just wanted to be with you, I was scared you would’ve said no.“   
  
„I would have been more careful if I knew.“ Otabek’s eyebrows were knitted together, he was frowning. „I would’ve, _fuck_ …I don’t know, made it more special?“   
  
Yuri shook his head a little angrily. „It was perfect.“

„But-„ He stopped talking when he saw Yuri’s glare.  
  
„It was perfect.“ He repeated, wanting his discussion to end.  
  
Otabek leaned forward suddenly, kissing him deeply. „You gave me your virginity.“ He said against Yuri’s lips after he pulled back again, sounding awed.   
  
Yuri wanted to say something clever like _virginity is a social construct_ or _it’s not like I actually lost something_ but all the could think about, was the fact that he would’ve gladly given his innocence to Otabek if there was such thing. He could be prissy all he wanted but it _was_ special that he had spend his fist time with Otabek. There was no one else for him. So for once, he kept his mouth shut and didn’t need to have the last word.

 

**xxx**

 

The passing of time was creeping up to them more and more each day. They were running out of shampoo because they both used it, Otabek had less and less clothes to wear and had to wash his few things repeatedly the longer he stayed. The mess of Yuri’s loneliness disappeared, dust was cleaned away only for it to settle onto furniture again when Otabek and Yuri spend all day in bed or went out to drive the bike for a bit whenever Yuri felt like he was suffocating inside.

It couldn’t go on like this forever. At one point Otabek would have to go back to work and Yuri would need to figure out what to do with himself. They couldn’t hide from the world like this for much longer. But it was so tempting.   
  
Things between Otabek and Yuri were confusingly easy. Everything was exciting of course, constant fluttering stomaches, reddening cheeks and nervous anticipation for each touch and secret they shared but apart from that, they fell into each other like two pieces that belonged together. Their newfound intimacy wasn’t awkward but desired, their movements around each other smoothly flowing like they had known each other for much longer, like they had never been apart. Slowly, silently, they were relearning how to trust and comfort each other.   
It confused Yuri more than it did Otabek. How could things blossom so freely again after so much damage? Some days he was still waiting for Otabek to leave, to change his mind.   
Otabek wasn’t confused at all because things still weren’t easy. Yuri was still skittish despite obviously trying to shower Otabek in affection and trying his hardest to be an open book for him. But his grandpa’s death still weighted heavily on him as did his uncertain future, making him moody and sad. Still, Otabek saw how hard Yuri was trying to make things work between them and to not let himself be pulled down by depression again. It made Otabek proud, it made his trust in Yuri grow again each day a little.

„Why is this so easy when everything else is such a mess?“ Yuri whispered, searching Otabek’s dark brown eyes and running his fingers through his thick hair. „I always though if I brought _us_ too close to everything that’s wrong in my life, then it would turn just as dark and ugly but that’s not the case.“  
  
„We have great chemistry, Yura. What we feel is so strong…it can’t be harmed.“   
  
„How do you know that?“ Yuri asked, mourning all the lost opportunities and months he had wasted by being afraid.

„I just do. I know it as surely as I know the most basic things. The sun goes up in the morning, the moon rises at night. I need to breathe and drink and sleep. The earth is spinning, the universe is infinite and we belong together.“

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry you all had to wait so long for this, I definitely not abandoned this and it's been way too long since I posted, I annoyed myself. Fist I had the worst writers block, then I got sick and now I'm on vacation by the sea (the internet connection here isn't too good so cross your fingers that this will even get up.)
> 
> This chapter was a major pain in the ass to write and I'm not too happy with it, any thoughts? What did you guys think? I hope I managed to bring Yuri's grieving across realistically enough. This chapter is also a little smaller than I usually write them, I hope that is okay, I try to make the next one a lil longer again. 
> 
> I also wrote 7 one shots for yoi music week, did you read them? Enjoyed them? I did enjoy writing them but for now I'm gonna concentrate on this fic again.  
> I'm slowly trying to wrap TBYAIL up, so there won't be too many chapters left, just a warning. I will write an Epiloge though, no worries. 
> 
> Thank's for all the patience, support and encouragement guys. You're the best. Please feel free to leave some comments and kudos :) Hopefully you won't have to wait as long for the next chapter.


	22. twenty two

 

„I hate this house.“   
  
Otabek was silent for a few moments after killing the engine, as if he was unsure whether or not the heard Yuri right. But Yuri sat unmoving behind him, his arms still wrapped around Otabek’s middle and he made no move to get off the bike any time soon.  
  
„What?“ Otabek had to hear that again, just to be sure.  
  
„I said I hate this house.“ Yuri repeated. His voice sounding like it belonged to a small child that just learned the ugly truth about a thing it used to love, now hurt by betrayal and too stubborn to forgive easily. Yuri couldn’t see when Otabek opened his mouth to say something but it was like Yuri knew what he was going to say already because he rejected the question before Otabek could even ask.  
  
„This isn’t a home anymore, it’s just not…the same.“  
  
It wasn’t not easy, balancing the heavy bike, holding his helmet that he already took off and having Yuri cling to him like this. But Otabek managed and the catch of hesitation in Yuri’s voice made him look over his shoulder at the blond sitting behind him.  
  
Yuri was staring at the house, not him but he had to feel Otabek’s eyes on him. „It’s so big and empty now but I feel like it’s getting smaller each day. I hate that, it’s like I have to room to breathe in there.“  
  
So that was the reason why Yuri wanted to go for a drive. As hard as it was the first few days to get him out of bed, as hard was it now to get him back inside. If Yuri had claws, he would dig them into the seat of Otabek’s motorbike, refusing to let go and hissing at every attempt to get him off it.  
  
As surprised as Otabek was at Yuri’s confession, he can understand him. But it was slowly getting darker, the wind was picking up and wasn’t like his bike had a magical tank that never emptied. They couldn’t stay outside for much longer, even if it might threatened the peace between them that has been so comfortable to bask in for the last few days.  
  
„Okay.“ Otabek said, realizing that he hadn’t given Yuri much answers yet. „Let’s get inside, we need to talk about that.“  
  
For a few more heartbeats, Yuri didn’t move and Otabek braced himself for the growing tension and the inevitable hiss that was to come from behind him but everything stayed calm. Yuri unwrapped his arms from Otabek and slipped from the seat, stepping back a little. He didn’t storm off but waited for Otabek so they could walk back together between the rows of weeds that lead to the frontdoor.  
  
Relief had Otabek wrapping an arm around Yuri and pulling him to his side as they walked. Yuri stumbled lightly and made a sound that was half amusement, half annoyance when Otabek pressed his face into his hair, nudging his nose against the shell of his ear until his breath tickled him. „Get off me.“ Yuri growled without heat so Otabek kept nuzzling him until Yuri found his keys and unlocked the door, they almost fell through it and stumbled into the hallway awkwardly. Otabek had to catch himself on the doorframe so he didn’t end up crushing Yuri but at least Yuri was laughing now, the frown forgotten for a moment.  
  
His hair was messy from the helmet and the wind, sicking up like someone rubbed a ballon up against it. Otabek felt a smile making its way onto his lips without his permission and his feet carried him forward to Yuri until they were standing nose to nose. His arms reached up until he cupped his face and then he leaned forward to kiss him, pressing one smile against another. Yuri let himself fall backwards against the wall thats close behind him, taking Otabek with him by pulling him against his body, fingers buried in the fabric of his sweater.  
  
Yuri’s face was a little cold still but his tongue was hot inside Otabek’s mouth as they kissed slowly, almost teasingly. Their smiles reappeared once or twice, interrupting their kiss for a few seconds as their noses bumped together. When one of them had enough of it, they playfully bit at the others bottom lip or licked against the corner of a mouth to demand full attention back for their kisses.  
  
_This is how it should be_ , Otabek thought. They’re in love and they’re finally together. They should kiss like this all day, smiling until their faces hurt. They should spend all day in bed and forget to eat, stomaches too full with fluttering excitement. But moments like this are unfortunately just that, _moments_. Yuri didn’t, _couldn’t_ , smile all day and their newfound happiness was overshadowed by his grandfathers death still.  
Otabek understands. Otabek was patient. But he still wished things were different. Because the few glimpses he’d gotten of a carefree and giggly Yuri were enough to make him addicted and the rush of excitement and adoration that went through him whenever he appeared, was more intoxicating then he could imagine any drug ever be.  
  
Loving someone this much, Otabek realized, meant wanting them to be happy with a burning desperation. It meant wanting to be happy with them more than anything.  
  
A flicker of a thought he yet hadn’t dared to acknowledge and think through, but had unconsciously harbored for the last few days, made itself strikingly present all of the sudden and slipped past Otabek’s lips before he could stop himself. „Move in with me.“  
  
Yuri gasped against his lips, having heard him through muffled kisses. When Otabek’s eyes flew open, Yuri was already staring at him.

„W-what?“ Yuri had to hear that again, just to be sure. His trembling voice was a little rough from their kisses still.  
  
„I said you could move in with me.“ Otabek repeated, fear of rejection wresting with nervous hope inside his stomach.  
  
„Don’t made jokes like that!“ Yuri hissed but it came out a little unsteady. His eyes were as wide as saucers.  
  
Otabek took a step back to get a better look at him, despite his own racing heart, he tried to make himself sound genuine. „I’m not joking Yuri. It would make sense, wouldn’t it?“  
  
Yuri gaped at him. „T-that’s…it’s…that would be crazy!“ He raked his hands through his messy hair, ruffling it even more instead of smoothing it down. He looked away from Otabek and down to his feet, then to the side and the ceiling before finally looking back at Otabek again. „Right?“ His voice was wavering with uncertainty.  
  
„Let’s talk about it.“ Otabek answered and took another step back from Yuri because they wouldn’t have this conversation in the hallway with their jackets still on.  
  
„I need a drink.“ Yuri mumbled after unzipping his and went to walk past Otabek who raised a eyebrow at him in question. „Tea!“ Yuri rolled his eyes. „I’m gonna make some tea, okay?“  
  
Otabek nodded and let him through, watching how he disappeared into the kitchen. He followed him a few moments later and sat down at the table, waiting. After placing two hot mugs down, Yuri climbed onto the chair opposite of him and started playing with the string of his teabag, avoiding Otabek’s eyes. Otabek gave him a moment to think a little.  
  
„So did you just say that out of the blue or…?“ Yuri didn’t finish his sentence, a mixture of uncertainty, curiosity and hope swinging in his voice.  
  
„No.“ Otabek answered and then gave himself a few seconds to collect his thoughts better. „I think that thought had already been forming for a while but I wasn’t really addressing it because I didn’t want to confront you. But what you said outside kinda made it reappear.“  
  
„This is crazy.“ Yuri repeated as if they’d ever done anything the normal way.  
  
„I want to be with you.“ Otabek said simply. Yuri was silent for a long while, letting his tea go cold while Otabek finished his in small sips while he waited for Yuri to sort through his thoughts.  
  
When he spoke again, it wasn’t anything Otabek would have expected. „Do you ever think we happened too fast?“  
  
Otabek almost asked: _what do you mean?_ But then he took a moment to see through Yuri’s eyes, to replay their relationship from his point of view.  
  
Their fist kiss that had escalated into more right away. The breakdown and the bar fight that had stripped more of Yuri’s soul bare than he had allowed himself too. The night at Otabek’s apartment that should’ve been a beginning but nearly became their end. One letter that had seemed to destroy everything. And once weekend to get them back together, all their misunderstandings going up in flames when they finally told the truth. The fact that Otabek was his _first_ in so many ways.

Their journey wasn’t traditional, it wasn’t how other people did things but Otabek couldn’t care less.  
  
„You crashed into me with full speed. You knocked me out and when I woke up again, everything was upside-down. I was full of cuts and you seeped into every single one of them. You got into my head and under my skin. I could never keep up with you but that didn’t stop me from trying. And I felt only at rest when I was with you.“  
  
Yuri looked at him with wide eyes, stunned to silence. His fingers had stilled from playing with his mug, hanging onto every word Otabek said. „Everything that happened brought us here.“ Otabek said firmly. „And that’s all that matters.“  
  
Yuri almost bit his lips raw in the following silence that was heavy with emotions. When he spoke up again, he whispered since he didn’t trust his voice not to break. „What if everything goes wrong?“ He couldn’t ban the fear from his eyes.  
  
„Like what?“  
  
„I don’t have a lot of money.“  
  
„You will find a new job. There are lots of Cafés and Diners around for the start. You’d have time to figure out what you want to do.“ Otabek spoke with a confidence that Yuri was currently missing.  
  
„What about this house?“  
  
„You just said that you hate it. Why keep living in it?“  
  
„And what about us?“  
  
„I want to be with you. What about you?“  
  
A bit of confidence returned to Yuri’s voice when he answered. „I do too. That’s not what this is about.“  
  
„Explain it to me then.“  
  
For a second Yuri looked overwhelmed. „So many things could go wrong. What if we fight? What if I annoy you and you end up hating me? What if you realize this was a mistake and want to get rid of me again? What if-„  
  
Otabek held up a hand to stop Yuri before he could talk himself into a frenzy. „I thought you were going to have some trust in us?“  
  
Yuri glared at him. „I do have trust in us, asshole. But not considering any of these things before making such a big decision would be fucking dumb. How many couples move in with each other so quickly? How many people stay together with their fist love for the rest of their life?“  
  
„I don’t care about other people, Yura. They’re not us.“  
  
Yuri deflated a little. „I just don’t want to be like my parents.“  
  
Otabek reached for his hand across the table. „We’re not going to be like them. You’re nothing like your mother even if you fear so. And unlike your father felt about her, I am crazy about you. We’re in a completely different situation then they were, we have no unplanned baby on the way. There is no violence between us, we’re different.“ Otabek squeezed his hand for emphasis.  
  
„I know.“ Yuri whispered finally. „But this is scary.“  
  
„If you don’t want to do this or if you’re not ready-„  
  
Yuri interrupted him. „It’s scary because I don’t wanna ruin things between us. I don’t wanna hurt you.“  
  
„Do me a favor.“ Otabek said out of the blue. „Close your eyes.“ Yuri looked at him skeptically but then did as he was told, his long lashes casting shadows over his cheekbones.  
  
„What now?“  
  
„I want you to imagine absolute happiness. Your life in a few years from now where everything you dreamed about came true.“ Yuri flinched a little at Otabek’s words but he continued like he hadn’t noticed. „Imagine all the details. Everything you want. Now will you tell me about it? Please?“  
  
Yuri hesitated for moment. „This is stupid, Beka.“ He said without opening his eyes.  
  
„Humor me, Yura. Please?“  
  
He took a deep breath. „I see a cat. Maybe more than one actually.“  
  
Otabek couldn’t help but smile a little. „What else?“  
  
„I’m dancing. I’m having a shit ton of time for it.“ Otabek hummed in encouragement.  
  
„My grandpa isn’t dead.“ Yuri’s eyebrows furrowed into sad lines. „Or I’m not missing him him terribly anymore, it hurts less.“  
  
„Focus on the happy things, Yura.“ Otabek whispered.  
  
„You’re there. You’re with me. I haven’t fucked things up between us and you didn’t change your mind about being with me.“ A slight dust of pink creeped onto his cheeks at his confession.  
  
„Tell me more.“  
  
„I left this town behind me, got rid of everything that it did to me. I’m unbothered by my past. I stopped caring about my parents. I’m nothing like my mother.“ The words were coming like a waterfall now and Otabek didn’t dare to interrupt him.  
„I don’t have to hate myself for the things I do. I have trust in the things I love. I don’t hate my job. I’m living somewhere nice with you. I found out what to do with my life. We’re a family. I can drink for fun and not because I need to numb myself. I dance for fun at clubs, not for money. There is a lot of music and books and candy in our life. We constantly go out for dinner and eat nothing but junk food. We go for dives with your bike all the time and discover new places, we never feel trapped anywhere and coming home always feels nice. I have enough money to buy some cool clothes and an actual birthday gift for you. None of us is sick, we don’t have a single addiction. We’re constantly laughing and everyone is jealous of us for being so happy. We’re _happy_.“  
  
Otabek had to swallow multiple times and even then, his voice was thick with the impact of a future Yuri had just described for them. „Don’t you want that, Yura?“ He asked quietly. „Isn’t this something worth a little risk?“  
  
Slowly, like he was waking from a dream, Yuri opened his eyes again. „You really think we can have all of that?“  
  
It wasn’t like Yuri had asked to be a millionaire or wished for wings but judging by the awe in his voice, there wasn’t much of a difference between these things for Yuri. For him all these things appeared to to be impossibly out of reach in the same way.  
  
„Doesn’t sound impossible to me.“ Otabek answered. Yuri was someone so bright, he should reach for the stars. Yet he dreamed of much simpler things. It made Otabek’s heart clench a little each time.  
  
„I want this…but this still feels crazy. Isn’t it crazy?“  
  
„A little maybe.“ Otabek smiled, hoping to infect Yuri with it.  
  
„And what if it _does_ go horribly wrong?“ Yuri asked quietly because a leopard couldn’t change its spots that easily, even if he was trying.  
  
Otabek sighed but answered nevertheless, knowing that this was a big deal to Yuri and a major act of faith from his side if they decided to go through with this. „Do you think I would just kick you out with nothing then? Not that I can actually imagine changing my mind about you but if one day I get hit on the head really hard and loose my mind, then I will allow you to stay with me either way until you’re ready to stand on your own feet again. I’m not a monster.“  
  
The smallest smile was sneaking into the corners of Yuri’s smile. „This is crazy.“ He repeated warningly but his eyes were gleaming.  
  
  
**xxx**  


Yuri wasn’t wasting any time, thinking that he might change his mind if he would think too long about it. Not that he was second guessing things with Otabek but the thought of finally leaving this town after spending years wishing for just that felt a little like jumping into unknown depths. In theory he knew that Otabek would be there to catch him and that this change would be a good thing but that didn’t make it any less scary…or exciting.  
  
Maybe it was just that excitement or the fact that he finally had a goal to focus on again, that distracted Yuri enough from his grief to have the energy to get things going. He shoved the rest of their laundry into the washing machine, brought the trash outside and left it to Otabek to take care of his grandfathers car.  
That thing had basically been a jalopy since Yuri had been little and was about to break apart at any given second. It would be dumb to take it with him, knowing that he didn’t had enough money to pay for insurance or petrol anyway. Otabek went outside to look under the hood and then started making some calls.  
  
For a while, Yuri stood unmoving in the living room and stared at his grandfathers bulky armchair. It was old and probably weighed a ton but Yuri still wished he could take it with him. He crawled on top of it and fished for some old newspaper and a pen, scribbling some notes over the faces of politicians and celebrities.  
He wrote down how much money he had left and how much of it would go into any open bills. He probably lost his job at the Diner by now but he still had one last pay check to collect if he remembered correctly. His grandfather hadn’t owned much so he didn’t left Yuri much but the house was now his. He would need to find someone to sell it for him. It was small and probably not worth much but money wasn’t what Yuri was after anyway. What he needed was closure, was moving on. If it wouldn’t cause more unnecessary problems, Yuri would probably set the house on fire to get rid of it as fast as possible. He doubted that Otabek would let him.  
  
Yuri was in the middle of researching how to sell a house, laptop balancing on his knees, when Otabek finally came back inside. His hair was a little ruffled from the wind. „I placed an advertisement for the car but kept the price low. I’m not sure if anyone will want it though.“  
  
Yuri didn’t look up from his screen. „You don’t know this area, no one here has enough money to buy nice cars. Someone will want it.“  
  
„I also called Victor and Yuuri.“  
  
Now Yuri did look up, blinking a few times at Otabek and trying to place the names. „Your friends with the dance studio?“ Otabek nodded. „Why?“  
  
„Well to let them know that I haven’t disappeared off the face of the earth and also because I asked them for help. Victor drives a truck, they could help with moving.“  
  
„I don’t even know them.“  
  
„But I do, they’re my friends and they want to help us. It’s not like we can move big boxes with my bike, Yura.“  
  
Yuri gaped at him. „Oh god, Beka, I don’t have any boxes.“

„Hmm, thought so. Victor and Yuuri are gonna bring some. They have a lot laying around at their studio from when they order equipment. Ballet shoes, and leotards and yoga mats and whatever else, I didn’t listen that closely. Victor rambles a lot.“  
  
„Wow.“ Yuri looked stunned. „They don’t even know me.“  
  
Otabek gently tugged at a strand of Yuri’s hair. „They’re good people, they doing things without having ulterior motives.“

Yuri felt a little guilty that Otabek had seen right through him but it was also a sign how well they got each other and that however, was a pretty good feeling. Yuri leaned his cheek against the hand Otabek still used to play with his hair and turned his head to ghost a kiss across his wrist.  
  
„Thank you.“

 

**xxx**

 

All of his energy was devoted to the ask at hand. Otabek asked him once or twice to slow down a little because Yuri’s sudden focussing on sorting trough all his things meant that he barely did anything else again, meaning forgetting to eat or sleep once more. Yuri asked Otabek to stop worrying just as often, if there was one thing Yuri knew how to do - then it was being able to throw himself into work to overcome a emotionally harrowing experience. He knew that this was something Otabek couldn’t understand but Yuri was relieved by so much distraction.  
  
„I’m doing grief work, isn’t that what it’s called?“ Yuri explained, sitting between pots and pans on the kitchen floor while Otabek eyed him wearily.  
  
His apartment was fully furnished but they had both decided to bring a few of Yuri’s things as well if it should become _their_ home. He hadn’t meant kitchenware though.  
  
„In movies people do the weirdest things to overcome a beloved’s death. They travel to third world countries and teach the kids there art as if they don’t have bigger problems, they adopt a junkie to nurse them back to happiness with their love, they plant and start singing in musicals or dress their pillows in the cloths of the dead person to smell them and-„  
  
„Yura, stop.“ Otabek was grimacing. „What kind of movies do you watch?“  
  
„Okay maybe not exactly like that but all of them seek a new beginning. And before they get there they sort through their stuff, face their grief and then do something artistic.“

„We’re not going to paint flowers anywhere.“ Otabek said dryly.

As Yuri had predicted, someone did want Nikolai’s old car. It wouldn’t sell for a lot but it was one less thing Yuri would need to worry about. Before the guy came to pick it up, Otabek used it a few times to drive back and forth to the junkyard to get rid of some old clothes, useless dishes and other meaningless things that weren’t memorable to Yuri. Since he couldn’t take a lot of things with him, they would have to leave most furniture behind anyway.  
  
While Otabek was away, Yuri used the time to go and collect his last pay-check from the Diner. When he came back, he was tight-lipped and clearly angry. Sensing that whatever had happened wasn’t something Yuri wanted to talk about, Otabek decided not to probe and made himself useful instead by wrapping Yuri’s favorite mugs in old newspapers.  
  
A while later, Yuri came storming into the kitchen. „All people do in this shithole is gossip.“ He hissed. „I can’t wait to get out of here.“  
  
„You wanna talk about it?“ Otabek asked, placing everything that was wrapped on the kitchen table. Yuri wouldn’t take much from the kitchen, Otabek had insisted that he had enough pots and pans.  
  
„No.“ Yuri weighed a plate in his hand and looked like he was contemplating throwing it through the closed kitchen window. Otabek wouldn’t be surprised if he did. „No.“ Yuri repeated. „I just wanna leave all of this behind me for good.“  
  
Otabek nodded and squeezed Yuri’s hand, happy to see that he had let go of the plate. „I can call Yuuri and Victor any day to ask them to drive down here with the boxes.“  
  
Yuri smiled a little tensely. „I know but I need to sort through a few more clothes first. Will you come sit with me?“  
  
He was asking for company, not for help and Otabek noticed the difference. But he didn’t know if Yuri was doing things like that because he wasn’t sure if he could rely on him or simply because he didn’t want to ask for too much. For now that was okay but over time, so Otabek hoped, these little signs of doubt and insecurity would disappear entirely from their relationship.  
  
„I’m right behind you.“

  
**xxx**  
  
  
That night, Yuri couldn’t sleep no matter now comforting Otabek’s warmth was beside him and no matter how often Yuri pressed his face between his shoulder blades to feel his skin and breathe his scent in. Making sure to not wake him, Yuri carefully slipped from the bed and put on a warm hoodie before walking over to his bedroom window. He tipped it open slightly and sat on the windowsill to smoke.  
  
With his cigarette lit and his knees hugged to his chest, Yuri watched Otabek sleep in what little of moonlight filtered into the room. Yuri hadn’t thought that he would get used to sleeping next to someone so easily but Otabek didn’t snore much or moved around constantly. Instead he felt warm and save, not hot or suffocating. It was scary really, to grow so attached to the presence of someone.  
  
Yuri had enough time by now to get used to the idea of loving someone this deeply, even if he had tried to fight it all the way. But that was his thing, something that only concerned himself or so he thought. He had to rejig his entire way of thinking and dealing with emotions when Otabek demanded of him to believe in his love for Yuri too and and moreover, open himself to allow Otabek to love him without acting like this was a thing that only concerned them separately, when really this was a thing that affected them both equally.  
  
Yuri tried to not worry himself into a frenzy by constantly wondering whether or not things were going well between them but having no idea what he was doing or which signs of failure to look out for, made that resolution a little hard for him. He liked to believe that Otabek was the more honest out of them and that he would tell Yuri if something was wrong, he liked to believe that all their little touches and Otabek’s small smiles meant that they were heading into the right direction but Yuri still had doubts he simply couldn’t shake.  
He was sure that the people on board of the Titanic had too thought that they were having a marvelous journey, that was until a gigantic iceberg crept out of the darkness and poked a big hole into the ship’s belly.

Just as he had that thought, he angrily huffed out some smoke through his nostrils and lit himself a second cigarette. _Who exactly are you worried about getting hurt here, Plisetsky? You or Otabek?_ He flicked the stubbed out butt of his first cigarette out the window and tapped some ash into the flowerpot of a dead plant. _I’m trying_ , he wanted to scream at himself but he wouldn’t risk waking Beka.  
Yuri felt shame for still not being able to trust in their luck completely but wasn’t that at least a little understandable after spending all his life swearing he would never again let anyone in? It wasn’t like he was hurting Beka by having his thoughts all over the place and if there was one thing Yuri was sure of, then that he could trust Beka better than he could trust himself.  
  
Trusting in them _together_ was a thing we was just learning, Yuri feared that the road there would be a little bumpy but surprisingly, so far he hadn’t stumbled once.  
  
A little bit of ash fell onto the windowsill as Yuri yawned and then rubbed over his eyes with his free hand. There were so many things going on in his head, he felt a little torn.  
One part of him felt guilty over being happy with Beka and wanting to move on, thinking that he wasn’t allowed peace so soon. That he wasn’t done mourning yet.  
One part of him was scarred that he wasn’t thinking this through, jumping into Beka’s life because he needed an escape from his own shitty one and that this way, he would only cause chaos and unhappiness.  
Another part of him was angry for having all those doubts and sad moments, he was young and in love for the first time. He should be allowed to be happy, he should see everything through rose colored glasses and not worry about a thing. He should be giggly and fuck Beka on every surface and in every corner they could find until they were ready to pass out. Yuri was grieving that this was another thing stolen from him and he wondered if Otabek thought so too.  
  
Probably not, Otabek was some sort of heaven send saint that put an alarmingly big amount of honey in his tea and refused to give up on Yuri. At that taught, Yuri could feel himself smiling into the darkness. _This right here, this is a little bit of faith, Plisetsky. Did you see it? It’s a real thing._  
  
Yuri flicked the rest of his cigarette out the window too and closed it, feeling goosebumps rising on the skin of his naked legs. Carefully he stepped over piled up clothes on the floor, folded for once and ready to be packed into boxes. Then he slid back into bed. He wrapped one arm over Otabek’s middle and pressed his face back between is shoulders, inhaling his warmth. Otabek didn’t wake but he did pressed himself a little closer to Yuri’s touch, another thing that made the blond smile.  
  
Yuri was still scared as hell and he couldn’t decide if moving in with Otabek would make things easier and better, or harder and worse for their relationship but he did know that he wanted this more than anything else. To come back into Otabek’s arms and feel all the worries he had produced out of nothing fade until he could barely hear them any longer.  
  
He told himself that most of his stress was probably due to the fact that his emotions were still all over the place and because his life was changing drastically. First the death of his only remaining family member, then getting back together with the man he loved and now moving out and leaving everything he knew behind. Who wouldn’t freak out a little?  
The house needed to be sold, there were still so many things to pack or throw away and maybe if he did get up again now than he could at least store some of the-  
  
Otabek moved his hand over his and slid his fingers between Yuri’s, knotting them together and holding onto him. „Sleep.“ He mumbled sleepily, slurring a little.  
  
On second thought, all that could actually wait until morning.  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I mean I said I would write longer chapters again but I also hate transitions so here have this. Anyone else noticing me giving Otabek all the good lines? I'm a habitual criminal. 
> 
> In case you want to, you can follow me on Twitter [ here](https://twitter.com/TheSchubeju) btw
> 
> Also I'm very hungry rn and everything is a little blurry so please tell me if I majorly fucked the formatting up somewhere.


	23. twenty three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me a while but I'm back!

 

For the next few days, they started to live in what Yuri called _the house of piles_. The name was fitting as the boxes to put Yuri’s stuff into wouldn’t arrive until Victor and Yuuri did and so him and Otabek had to constantly watch where they stepped and which pile belonged where. It wasn’t until Otabek almost carried a pile of Yuri’s favorite jeans out to the trash that Yuri furiously started to put sticky notes everywhere.  
  
_Moves with us. Belongs into the trash. Stays here_ because _whatever. Give to_ neighbor _(don’t ring_ doorbell _, put it down and run because_ otherwise _they’ll never again stop talking to you). Pack away at last minute (I swear if you hide my hairbrush once more…). Clothes to donate. Memories to put away (NO TRASH)._  
  
It had taken Yuri a lot of courage to go through his grandfathers stuff because as soon as he stepped into his bedroom, he teared up and started sobbing into his grandpa’s dusty duvet for a few hours while Otabek miserably sat by his side to rub his back until he calmed down again, feeling completely useless. In the end they sat awake long into the night, sorting through clothes, memories and nicknacks. Yuri wanted to keep his grandmother's old jewelry box, as well as every photo album they found and Nikolai’s collection of wooden tobacco pipes. His clothes would get donated too, save for an old-fashioned hat Yuri absolutely wouldn’t put away and his heavy furniture would have to stay here as well.

It was very late by the time Yuri and Otabek finally went to bed and even then, sleep didn’t found Yuri immediately, letting him toss and turn while childhood memories spend with his grandfather played behind his closed eyelids like someone had turned on the TV without asking for permission first. It was painful and comforting at the same time and by the time Yuri finally fell into a deep slumber, Otabek had been sleeping next to him for a few hours already.

A crashing noise woke him up again long before he was ready to and he ripped his sore eyes open to glare at the offending source. When he didn’t found one, he blinked blearily at his phone to find out that it was late morning. A perfectly normal time to get up if you didn’t just fell asleep in emotional exhaustion a few hours earlier. Yuri’s mood instantly turned sour, he wasn’t a morning person to begin with. Next to him, Otabek groaned.   
  
„For fuck's sake.“ He complained and then slipped out of bed, grabbing for a shirt. „Yura, wake up. I think that was Victor arriving.“   
  
Then he was out of the door before Yuri could even blink the blurriness from his eyes. Victor? What? Was he a magician that appeared everywhere with a bang? Yuri whined into his pillow before he dragged himself out of bed and into the bathroom to brush his teeth at least. God, he was so tired still! If he was honest, he had completely forgotten about Otabek’s friends arriving today to help them pack his stuff up, he knew that Otabek must’ve told him a few times surely but after sorting through his grandpa’s stuff, there had been too much other stuff on his mind.  
  
With his eyes half closed, Yuri peed and washed his face quickly before brushing his teeth hoping that he wouldn’t smear toothpaste anywhere on his face because looking into the mirror was just too much of a task right now. Once he was finished, he pulled his unbrushed hair up into a messy bun and slipped into an old pair of faded jeans and a shirt he wouldn’t mind getting any dust on. Moving was no fashion show after all.   
  
„Beka?“ He called out while stumbling towards the kitchen, wondering where he went. No one was answering him but there were voices coming from outside. Curious and a little more awake now, Yuri went over to one of the windows to look outside.   
  
What he saw made him blink a few times to make sure he wasn’t imaging anything from his lack of sleep.   
  
Someone seemingly had wanted to park a gigantic, brightly violet colored pickup truck in front of the house but had ended up backing it a little too far into the rattly fence, ripping it down along with some trash cans which had spilled their contents all over the overgrown grass of the front yard. Now the wire of the dented fence was apparently somehow stuck under the rear bumper or the back tires were stuck in the muddy mess of the ripped out grass patches where the fence had lost his battle against human stupidity.

Yuri watched how a Japanese looking man ran around like a hysteric chicken, picking up the trash with a bright red face under the curious gaze of various neighbors who’d been attracted by the loud noise. Another man with brightly colored silver hair stood around waving enthusiastically while speaking, apparently more amused than embarrassed be this whole chaos. Otabek sat in the driver's seat of the ridiculous pickup, looking annoyed and tried as he carefully tried to maneuver the car back onto steady ground without ripping the fence down any further.

Yuri decided that it was way too early to voluntarily deal with any of that, trusting that Otabek would call for him if he needed any help. Then he went to make some coffee, he had a feeling that he wouldn’t make it through the day without having a breakdown if he didn’t put enough caffeine in his body soon. He had just finished his first cup, contemplating if he should go for a second one straight away despite his empty stomach when he heard the front door open.   
  
„Come in, you can put your jackets here.“ That was Otabek’s faint voice, then he called out louder. „Yura? Come here, Victor and Yuuri have arrived.“   
  
_Yeah as loudly as two elephants._ Yuri put his mug down and reluctantly made his way towards the noise. Meeting everyone in the small hallway turned out to be a bad idea as they all stood squished and it would’ve been awkward and silent if Otabek didn’t start introducing them immediately, or well tried to. As soon as Yuri appeared at Otabek’s side all eyes were on him and he was greeted with one of the men eyeing him nervously and the other beaming at him so brightly that it was almost creepy.   
  
The silver-haired man, the one with the big smile, pushed past Otabek before he could say anything and took Yuri’s face in his pale hands like an entranced granny looking at a small puppy. „Oh Yuuuuuri, have you ever seen such a beautiful child? He looks like that fairy we saw on the painting, you know that one time where-„ He sing-sang, ignoring Yuri’s horrified expression and the other guys attempts to stop his flow of words.  
  
„Victor! Don’t be so intrusive, you’re gonna scare him off.“ The Japanese man complained, looking embarrassed and angry at the same time.   
  
Otabek looked like he wanted to go back outside and deal with the broken fence instead. Meanwhile, Yuri overcame his shook of being touched and complimented by this weird stranger out of the blue, by jerking his head back causing the man's fingers to fall from his jaw. He knew that he should behave because these were Otabek’s friends and they were here to help but Yuri’s first instinct was to kick the stranger in the balls upon invading his privacy.  
  
For Beka’s sake, he settled for a burning glare and hissed, „Don’t touch me, asshole and don’t call me a child.“

_Could’ve gone better, could have gone worse._

„Um, Yuri?“ Otabek spoke up,“this is Victor and this is his fiancé-„  
  
„Katsudon!“ He got interrupted by the Japanese man who blushed even harder than before.“ I-I mean we brought some Katsudon with us but forgot it in the car because of the fence and oh my god! I’m, We are so sorry about your fence! I told Victor to watch where he went, this pickup is just too big and he’s too careless which is beside the point but um-„ Yuri stared at him while he talked himself into a frenzy and wondered how Otabek was friends with such idiots.   
  
„OKAY,“ he interrupted, feeling a headache coming and his patience disappear. „Shut up!“ Otabek looked at him like he expected him to explode like a volcano every second now and dreaded it with every fiber of his being. _His_ Otabek! Otabek who had been there for him through all this shit and never lost his patience with him, who called his friend here to help even more. Otabek who didn’t deserve Yuri acting like an asshole, no matter how weird his friends where.  
  
Yuri let out a shaky breath, trying to stay calm. „Okay, it’s okay. Forget about the fence, it was a piece of shit anyway, alright? No need to be sorry.“ Yuri gulped.“And thanks for coming here to help, that means a lot.“  
  
Otabek smiled at him, Victor had started to play with the hair of his fiancé and the Japanese chatterbox looked calmer now, smiling shyly at Yuri too.  
  
„Okay,“ Yuri said, wanting to get this over. „Hi Victor, I’m Yuri.“ He held out his hand to the silver-haired man to properly greet him.“And this is how I say Hello to people I don’t know yet.“ He couldn’t help the sarcasm.   
  
Victor grinned and took Yuri’s hand, shaking it enthusiastically. „Interesting,“ he said delighted, „I can’t wait to find out how you greet people you do know.“ Yuri bit his tongue to keep himself from answering to that the way he wanted to and hoped that none of them was the cuddly kind, although he feared otherwise.   
  
He held his hand out to Victor’s fiancé instead and even managed a smile that didn’t feel completely forced. „Hi Katsudon, I’m Yuri and I will try to forget this whole creepy situation so don’t worry, I’m glad you’re here to help.“   
  
Katsudon shook his hand with his mouth open like he wasn’t sure whether or not Yuri was joking. „Katsudon? N-no. You misunderstood, my name is Yuuri too.“   
  
„Personally I think _Katsudon_ sounds better than _Yuri 2_ but I’ll see what I can do.“ Yuri said, feeling like he'd reached his limit of friendliness already. „Coffee anyone?“

 

**xxx**

 

Yuri was exhausted. In a way, he didn’t feel like he was used to be around people.

His grandfather had been family, the people in this town where like unimportant side characters in a movie without sound to him, grey and replaceable. The few friends he had came and went but between club nights and drug highs, they were part hallucination. So were the party crowds at the club Yuri used to dance at. The first real human Yuri had met that hadn’t been part of this haze washed world was Otabek but he wasn’t a stranger any longer, Otabek had looked into his soul and didn’t run from whatever he saw there. He was a fixture in Yuri’s life now, his new family he hoped to keep.

But Yuuri and Victor were real too and they hadn’t come from his world. They were so vibrant and real, they might as well be from another planet. This morning, when Yuri was tired and pissed, he had felt somehow superior to them due to their idiotic arrival and the blushing, awkward mess that followed when they introduced themselves. A lot had changed in the last hours, shifting Yuri’s perspective.

As silly and funny as Victor acted, it quickly came apparent how witty and educated he actually was, using loanwords so casually that it became obvious that he wasn’t trying to be impressive but that this was literally how he spoke on a daily basis. He mentioned things and places Yuri had never heard of and, to his own shame, it did make him feel like a child.   
Yuuri defrosted pretty quickly too, he spoke less than his fiancé did and he told a lot of stories involving Otabek. Yuri realized that it was an attempt to make him feel more included or relaxed and while he appreciated the effort, he only felt left out and insecure at all the inside jokes he didn’t get and that there was and had been an entire life of Otabek that he wasn’t a part of.  
  
It was silly and it was childish but Yuri couldn’t stop comparing and second guessing. He wished that he had brushed his hair and maybe even did his makeup a bit once he noticed that the subtle colors and nice material of Victor’s and Yuuri’s clothes clearly indicated that they had been pricey without outright bragging by showing big brand signs. Their haircuts were even and nice, their engagement rings shone brightly and Yuuri’s glasses were clearly designer too. The old kitchen of Yuri’s grandpa felt much smaller than it already was once Yuri noticed.   
  
The worst thing was that Yuuri and Victor were actually really nice. They tried to include Yuri without being pushy, they tried to get to know him without crossing more boundaries. They weren’t arrogant or condescending in any way, no they were actually making themselves very useful and constantly offered their help and yet, Yuri was somehow completely intimidated. Which was something he wasn’t used to and hated immediately, it irritated him and made him feel insecure. And then he realized why that was. Yuuri and Victor had their shit together and furthermore, they were a lot like Yuri wanted to be.   
They were so happy, they could’ve easily advertised yogurt or danced over flower filled fields with a musical number playing in the background. And they were clearly disgustingly in love, moving like the sun and moon around each other in perfect circles, only that they constantly met in the middle for affectionate touches. Every gaze, every smile felt so intimate that Yuri had to look away. They were a team, knowing each other so thoroughly that mere looks seemed to be enough to understand the other. It would’ve been creepy if Yuri hadn’t so desperately wished the same thing for him and Otabek one day.   
  
So not only were they good looking, well educated and nice, they also had money, seemed to be decent human beings and were absolutely happy and in love. They were good friends, clearly important to Otabek and danced for a living, something Yuri had always dreamed of doing. After realizing that, it was hard for Yuri not to hate them or compare himself to everything they did or told about themselves. He tried not to think about this small house in this obvious horrible neighborhood and what they might’ve thought upon arriving here. He tried to not think about what Otabek might told them after he left him in bed with that horrible letter, and hoped that they didn’t know anything about the alcohol, the drugs and his countless other issues. He didn’t want to appear weak, it was bad enough that they knew about this breakdown and the fact that he had no one left except Otabek. Yuri didn’t want any pity and he didn’t want to wash his dirty laundry in front of these perfect people. Which was pointless since they were literally here to help him pack his sorry life away.  
  
So after coffee and a small and rushed breakfast for Yuri and Otabek, since Yuuri and Victor had already had theirs, they had started carrying in folded boxes and several rolls of duct tape from the violet pickup to start packing Yuri’s stuff away. They put on some music for a more cheerful mood that was supposed to help them work better and fill the silence but Yuri still felt exhausted and somehow sad. His eyes burned and he was tried, his stomach was in insecure knots because of Yuuri and Victor and he felt nervous and anxious over taking such a big step, worrying still what it would do to his and Otabek’s relationship.   
  
Otabek who seemed to sense that something was troubling Yuri since he smiled at him whenever their eyes met. And while he didn’t push him by forcing him to talk, he let his fingers trace over Yuri’s arms when they walked past each other and kissed his temple when they were alone for a few moments.   
  
Unsurprisingly, it didn’t take long at all to pack Yuri’s stuff into boxes, especially since they had made piles beforehand. Otabek and Yuri could’ve easily done it alone and it wouldn’t have taken much longer, but without Victor and Yuuri they wouldn’t have had the boxes and they did appreciate two extra pairs of helping hands.   
Once Yuri’s boxes were taped shut and piled to be loaded onto Victor’s pickup later, they decided to take a lunch break. When Yuuri had said that he brought Katsudon, he apparently meant that he brought all ingredients to make some and so they helped him carry everything into the small kitchen where Yuri showed him where to find bowls and utensils. He had no idea what Katsudon was or how it was prepared but he was so hungry by now that he didn’t care much, he’d eat everything at this point. After making sure that Yuuri and Victor wouldn’t need any help preparing lunch, Yuri gratefully went outside to take a break.   
  
He sat on the steps leading down to the unkempt garden and lit himself a cigarette. He’d only taken a few drags when the door behind him opened again and Yuuri came out. Yuri realized that this was the first time the two of them were alone with each other and wondered if that was the reason why Yuuri suddenly looked so bashful again. Yuri didn’t like feeling as if he had to walk on eggshells since it was another thing that made him feel insecure. He liked it better when people were upfront with him. Trying to find a semi-polite way to get him to talk, Yuri shook his cigarette pack.   
  
„You smoke?“ He asked, offering him a cigarette. He was unsure what else to do with the awkward silence since the Katsudon had followed him outside. At Yuri’s question, his eyes almost bulged out of his head.   
  
„No!“ He exclaimed, then added a bit quieter: „I can’t, I’m a dancer!“   
  
_So am I!_ Yuri wanted to say but something held him back. These people already saw the sorry state he was in, the tiny empty house and what little he would take with him to Otabek. They didn’t need another reason to judge Yuri. _Then what the hell do you want?_ „Is there anything that you need?“ Yuri asked much calmer than he felt, simply wanting to smoke in peace for a minute.

„I forgot to bring some oil.“ Yuuri said. „Do you have any left that I can use or should I send Victor to buy some? There is a supermarket close to here, right? I think we saw it when we drove here.“

Yuri exhaled smoke out of his nose. „There should be some left in the left bottom cupboard by the fridge. I don’t know how much you need but I can show you.“

Yuuri smiled but shook his head. „I’ll look for it, I’ll tell you if it won’t be enough.“

Yuri nodded. „Let me know if you need anything else.“

Then Yuuri went back inside and Yuri closed his burning eyes, wishing he could crawl into bed for a while. By the time he finished his cigarette, the door behind him swung open again.   
  
This time it was Otabek. „Hey.“ He sat down next to Yuri in his dusty jeans and wrapped one arm loosely around Yuri’s waist.

„Hey.“ Yuri smiled back weakly, hoping that he didn’t look as rough as he felt. Sure, Otabek had seen him worse but that didn’t mean that Yuri liked that. He brushed some messy strands back behind his ear.

„How are you?“ Otabek asked quietly.

Yuri shrugged and looked down at his feet. „Okay, I guess. It’s…hard. I’m tired. But your friends are nice and we’re almost done so…“ He left the end of the sentence unfinished, leaving it to Otabek to puzzle the rest together.

„You’re doing great.“ Otabek said and Yuri would’ve liked to roll his eyes at him for it. This was something that needed to be done, so why expect praise for it? But somehow it did feel nice to have Otabek acknowledge his exhaustion, so he left it there. Flicking his cigarette out, he leaned closer against Otabek.

„Careful, I’m all dusty and sweaty.“ Otabek warned but hugged him tighter anyway.

„I don’t care, me too.“ Yuri sighed and closed his eyes for a moment, wishing that he could sleep on Otabek’s chest until he didn’t feel tired any longer.

„I think you already charmed Victor and Yuuri, you know?“ Otabek mumbled into his hair a moment later.

Yuri snorted. „Are you joking?“ Although he had tried to be friendly, he knew that he’d been a little snappy and prickly today from time to time still. He simply wasn’t good at being around normal people for long and he felt a little ashamed for being such a social mess.

„I’m not.“ Otabek answered. „Yuuri is a mother hen. He probably wanted to adopt you from the moment I first told him about you. And now before you get angry with me, it isn’t because of your family although now that he knows, you’ll never be save again from his love. No, Yuuri would love and adopt every creature if he could. I once watched him trying to fix a butterfly’s broken wing. He cried when he couldn’t.“

„What an idiot.“ Somehow, the malice in his voice got replaced by awe as he spoke.

Otabek chuckled quietly. „Don’t make the mistake and take him for a wimp though, he’s tougher than he looks like.“

„And Victor?“ Yuri asked, feeling himself getting more curious the longer Otabek talked about his friends.

„Victor…is complex. Full to the brim of emotions. Maybe you two have more in common than it seems like.“

Yuri scrunched his face up, he didn’t like being compared to someone that had been a more stable part of Otabek’s life than he had been. „And what makes you think I charmed him then? Is he a hen too?“

Otabek laughed. „Oh no. He would push you out the nest without feeling any shame just so you’d learn faster how to fly on your own. But he can’t resist a good challenge and he’s pretty smart. He realized that you’re gonna be a big part of our lives now and that Yuuri would sooner or later find a way into your heart too. And if there is one thing that he can’t stand, than it’s being left out. He will want to be part of our family too and for that, he needs to earn your trust and love. That’s the challenge.“   
  
Yuri’s heart was suddenly racing. Otabek was talking about family…about loving and trusting these strangers he had just met. He spoke about these things so confidently, like he was sure they would all end up being great friends. How could he do that? He knew how much effort and time it took him to get Yuri to even open up to him and now he thought that Yuri could do that again? For more people? What if he couldn’t do that?

„A family?“ Yuri echoed weakly, thoughts spinning. More people to love? To trust? People he could maybe rely on? He thought he would never have a family again. Until Otabek.

„You don’t need to be scared, Yuri. I’m not demanding that you open your heart for anyone you don’t trust but believe me, people are going to love you if you give them the chance to get to know you. And when you learn to trust and love them in return, your heart will open for them on its own. There is enough room in there for an entire family, I know that.“

Yuri looked at him doubtfully. There was fear in his eyes, there was hope in his eyes. „You’re one incorrigible optimist, aren’t you Beka? It’s nice that you think that I could easily open my heart again after I let you in but maybe I need all the love I have to give for you? Maybe I have nothing more to give than that. That would be okay for me. You’re my family now. And it’s not like a new family would just burst through my door, wanting me to be a part of their life.“   
  
A second later, the door behind them opened, carrying a mouthwatering smell of freshly made food outside. Yuuri and Victor stood in the doorway when Yuri and Otabek turned around, wiping their fingers on an old tea towel.   
  
„Katsudon is ready and I hope you guys are hungry. I think I went a little overboard and made too much, Victor said we could feed a small army with it.“   
  
_Or an entire family._

 

**xxx**

 

Yuuri turned out to be an amazing cook. For the first time in what felt like forever, Yuri felt his mouth water at the smell and sight of food and once he tried the Katsudon, he realized how hungry he actually was. To Yuuri’s delight, he wolfed down two servings and even though Otabek didn’t comment on his appetite, Yuri thought he saw relief in his eyes that Yuri was still able to eat normally.

  
Despite all the love and trust Otabek had put into him so far, it would probably still take him some time to stop worrying about all the ways Yuri could unconsciously corrupt the progression they had made together. Knowing that was saddening but okay for Yuri, he knew better than anyone else that trust was something that needed to be earned and one of his biggest goals was to prove to himself and Otabek, that they both could be happy in the end. It now still seemed like a dream too far away to come true but he had realized that if he didn’t work for it every day, then he would never find out if they could actually do it.

It was Yuri’s way of thanking Yuuri and Victor for cooking by actively trying to hold up a decent conversation, even if they ended up talking about their dog mostly. Yuri liked animals so it seemed like a topic that couldn’t suddenly go south and the stories about the clumsy poodle Yuri yet that to meet were actually kinda funny.   
The longer they talked, the more Yuri felt the tension disappear between him and Otabek’s friends. This morning he had felt a little uncomfortable in their presence, like an outcast almost. Now he realized in relief that this feeling was fading and when he looked over to Otabek, he was contently smiling at the peace between them all. Yuri smiled back and reached for his hand under the table.

 

**xxx**

 

After lunch, it was pretty hard for them to get up again. The heavy food and the easy conversation had made them tired and their lower backs hurt from bending down to pick boxes up all morning. They had decided that Yuuri and Victor would stay overnight so they didn’t have to drive back with all of Yuri’s stuff late in the evening. They would just load his boxes onto the pickup the next morning in case it would rain during the night (and also because this wasn’t a trusty neighborhood) although everyone besides Yuri was too polite to mention that.

The only stuff that wasn’t packed away now, where things Yuri had stored in a backpack so he had clothes to wear for the next day, and all the furniture and clutter he wouldn’t take with him.   
Borrowing Victor's car, Yuri and Otabek took another few trips to the dumping ground to get rid of useless things and then some more to a charity shop to donate some of his grandpa’s clothes, kitchenware and some of Yuri’s old toys. Yuri couldn’t decide if he felt sad or relieved about picking his life apart like this. Otabek said it would be a fresh start but Yuri knew that he understood how hard this was for him. In a way, it was exciting too but Yuri didn’t want to think about that. Not yet.  
  
When they came back to the house in the evening after dropping everything off, they were greeted by the pile of boxes in the hallway that Yuri would take with him. It really weren’t many.   
Yuri had put so many things away and into trash bags while cleaning out the house, that it felt like he would take more with him. The house was mostly empty now, save for dusty carpets and big pieces of furniture like the sofas and wardrobes. The realtor had said it was okay to leave them here, so Yuri would do exactly that.   
At one point, the hallway and living room had been so full of bags and boxes that Yuri had feared that it wouldn’t all fit on the truck bed of Victor’s pickup but now he realized that most of it had been trash or donations. No, it would all fit without trouble.  
  
Yuri would take some boxes of clothes and shoes. Another full of hygiene products. Some books. One box with only memories like photo albums and his favorite stuffed animal from when he was a child, along with one or two knickknacks and the boardgames-collection he and his grandpa used to play with. His makeup and jewelry weren’t taking up much space, neither were his dancing shoes. He would also bring some towels and bedsheets, things Otabek only had for himself in his apartment. In the morning they would load his duvet and pillows into Victor's car and a few personal things like his phone and laptop were in the backpack Yuri would carry himself. That was it.   
  
Otabek must’ve noticed Yuri staring at his boxes a little lost, he squeezed his hand.   
  
„Well, at least we won’t have to walk the stairs many times to bring all my stuff into your apartment.“ Yuri smiled sadly.   
  
Otabek pulled him into his arms, away from the boxes. „ _Our_ apartment, Yuri.“

 

**xxx**

 

Since Yuuri and Victor would stay the night, Yuri had offered them to stay in his grandfather’s bedroom. It would’ve been rude to ask them to sleep on the old couch after helping so much and it would’ve been silly anyway, considering that this was Yuri’s last night in this house as well.   
  
Maybe Yuuri and Victor denied out of respect, or because of something they saw on Yuri’s face when he told them, but they refused his offer and made themselves as comfortable as they could in the almost empty living room. By the time Yuri finally went to bed, they were already asleep.   
  
Otabek had waited for him, sitting on his bed and playing with his phone. Yuri closed the door behind him as he went into his room and turned the light off. He didn’t want to look at all the empty shelves and corners.   
Ever since he moved in there, the floor had been covered in toys and homework and candy wrappers and clothes. Now there laid nothing but dust on it.   
With cold feet, Yuri crawled into bed next to Otabek. In the empty and dark room, his bed felt like an island in the middle of the big scary ocean and Yuri felt like a small child, afraid of having to face the storm.   
  
At least until Otabek pulled him into his arms, sharing his warmth with Yuri. His heartbeat. His breathing. His smell.   
  
„Tomorrow.“ Yuri whispered, unsure how to feel.   
  
„Tomorrow.“ Otabek said and it somehow sounded like a promise.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your patience and support. I hope to never have to take such a long updating break ever again. Not that I didn't write anything in between but I still felt bad for not being able to return to this for a while. Now I'm back and I'll hopefully wrap this up soon. 
> 
> It would be lovely of you to leave a comment & some kudos. I always enjoy reading about your thoughts <3


	24. twenty four

 

  
Next morning, Yuri was the first one to wake from a night of sparse and restless sleep. The slight blur to his sight and the heaviness in his bones told him that he was still exhausted but his head was clear and awake, ready to jump out of bed so he wouldn’t have to lay in silence for a second longer and listen to the anxious beating of his heart.  
  
Without waking Otabek, Yuri went into the bathroom to quietly get ready before dressing in the only clothing he didn’t previously put into boxes. He checked the bathroom over again in case he’d anything forgotten, then he stuffed the rest of his scattered belongings into his backpack and sat it visibly by the door so he wouldn’t forget it later on.  
A peek into the living room told Yuri that Victor and Yuuri were still asleep too, which wasn’t a surprise giving the early hour. The sun had just ben rising when Yuri had brushed his teeth. Too restless to sit around and wait, Yuri wondered what to do now. Everything was packed and ready to be loaded into the car or would stay here. If it was for Yuri, he would’ve liked to get moving now and get out of here rather sooner than later but he realized that waking Otabek and his friends so early would be too cruel. They still had a long day ahead of them and he was the only one buzzing with nervous energy that made it unable to peacefully rest.  
  
But Yuri desperately needed something to do, feeling more tense with every second he spend standing in that silent house, listening to his own worries. He was already halfway to the kitchen to make some coffee and breakfast for the others, hoping that the smell would wake them when he realized that they had cleaned out the entire kitchen yesterday. There was nothing edible left in there and they had used up the last coffee too. After a minute of contemplating, Yuri tiptoed back into his bedroom and took some money out of his backpack. Before leaving the house, he send Otabek a quick text saying where he went. With their history, Beka would probably wake up thinking that Yuri had run away again if he wouldn’t be found anywhere so shortly before they planned on leaving the town.  
  
The walk to the Diner Yuri used to work at was short and familiar. He had worked enough breakfast shifts there to know that they were open so early, so he had decided to get some coffee and food from there.  
  
Thinking back, it seemed hard to believe that it wasn’t so long ago that Yuri used to work there every day, wearing his frilly pink apron. Now everything was so different and things were about to change much more.  
Yuri still couldn’t wrap his head around the fact that he would actually leave this ugly town today, that he would never have to see the rundown Diner or its frustrated waitresses ever again. For so long, Yuri had feared that he would become just like them. Chain-smoking, yellow-skinned and so disappointed that the world didn’t offer him more.  
He had to chuckle when he realized that in some way, he was about to say goodbye to the place that had played a huge part of the life he was about to leave behind. Not that he would miss it, not one bit but it was oddly nostalgic anyway. Here he had met Otabek. Fallen in love with Otabek. Had first kissed him. Otabek had brought happiness to this scruffy place, making everything look just a little bit brighter.  
  
The parking lot was mostly vacant but inside the Diner, the light was on. Yuri pushed the swing doors open like he had a hundred times before, adding his fingerprints to the smudged glass under the _open_ sign. The cracked tiles were sticky as always under the thin soles of his sneakers. Just how many times had Yuri wiped spilled coke and coffee off them? How many miles had he walked on them, arms laden with greasy trays and more napkins for impatient guests?  
  
It felt oddly relieving, knowing that Yuri wouldn’t head towards the backrooms to put on his apron and put his jacket into his locker, checking himself over in the mirror inside once more before starting his shift. It wasn’t that Yuri had ever minded the hard work, most likely he would try at first to get a job like this again once he moved in with Otabek, but this place here was just toxic. A dead-end most people couldn’t escape from.  
But Yuri would and that thought gave him enough strength to walk up to the counter with his head held high, even as his old co-workers stopped working around him to stare him up and down, beginning to whisper.  
  
„Well look what the cat dragged back in.“ Rita sneered from behind the counter, folding some napkins. „I wondered when you would come here, begging to get your old job back.“  
  
Yuri knew that every waitress was straining their ears now, hoping to not miss any of the fresh gossip. No, he really wouldn’t miss this place. Regardless, Yuri managed a thin smile. If anything, they were the ones to pity.  
  
„Hi, Rita. Is the coffee ready yet?“ He asked, enjoying how her eyebrows arched up in confusion when he didn’t give into her mockery.  
  
„The coffee?“ She spluttered, obviously wondering where this conversation went and why Yuri wasn’t begging yet.  
  
„Yeah, coffee,“ Yuri explained like he was talking to a child. „Or did you guys stop selling that?“  
  
Her facial expression was priceless. „You want to _order_ something?“  
  
„You’re not very quick this morning, are you?“ Yuri couldn’t resist but ask. „Yeah, I would like to order something.“  
  
She was so baffled, staring at Yuri with her mouth open, that she didn’t even react to Yuri’s insult. „So you don’t want your job back?“ Despite the whispering all around him, Yuri genuinely had to smile at that.  
  
„No. I don’t need it any longer.“  
  
He could’ve told them that he would leave town. That he would never come back, even if things wouldn’t work out with Otabek. He could’ve told him that he fell deeply in love with the hottest guy and would run off with him like they were in a fairytale, leaving them all and this shithole behind. He could watch them turn green with jealously but he wouldn’t. It was more satisfying to see them burn with curiosity. They would hear all about it soon enough anyway. This was a small town where nothing ever happened. Otabek’s arrival here didn’t go unnoticed, nor that he had stayed for so long with Yuri. People would see them loading Yuri’s boxes onto Victor’s truck and they would watch him go, leaving an empty house behind.  
  
_Did you hear? That Plisetsky brat actually left town! You know that his old man died but then that dark foreigner showed up and together they just left! Always told you he was a fag, didn’t I?_  
  
It didn’t bother Yuri that the people would talk about him. He wouldn’t be here to hear any of it.  
  
„You don’t want your job back.“ Rita echoed weakly, still unable to believe it.  
  
„I’d like to order now.“ Yuri repeated, ignoring her thirst for gossip and her frustration that Yuri didn’t came crawling back like a beaten dog. „I’m kinda in a hurry.“ He added. „Time is money, isn’t it Rita?“  
  
That’s what she always used to say to the girls working here whenever she caught them catching their breaths for even a second. Yuri had been no exception to that. _Time is money_ , she would hiss at him and shove another stack of dirty trays into his hands should he dare to do as much as bending down to tie is shoes outside of break. Yuri had ignored her often enough or hissed back but that didn’t mean that he’d forgotten.  
  
He saw that she would’ve liked to spit something nasty in answer at him now but then she seemed to remember that he was here as a customer now. „What can I get you?“  


  
**xxx**

  
  
Balancing a cardboard tray with four _coffee to go_ cups and a small bag with breakfast pastries, Yuri arrived back at his grandpa’s house to find that all the other’s had gotten up in his absence. The front door was open and showed Yuuri walking out of it and towards the pickup, carrying a box.  
  
Yuri was about to yell over the lawn why they hadn’t waited for him to help when his eyes caught sight of Otabek and Victor. His voice died in his throat when he saw them lifting his grandfather’s old armchair onto the truck bed.  
  
„Morning Yurio.“ Yuuri greeted him when he came walking over to him, moving-box still in hand. Eyes still fixed on Otabek and Victor struggling to lift the heavy piece of furniture up, Yuri couldn’t even scold Yuuri for the ridiculous nickname he and his fiancé had come up with. Something inside Yuri’s chest was blooming and it demanded all of his attention.  
  
„Yurio? Everything okay?“ Yuuri mumbled somewhere to his left when Yuri didn’t answer or even looked at him.  
  
„Here hold this.“ Yuri decided and put the coffee and paper-bag atop Yuuri’s box who struggled to keep his balance, not wanting to spill the coffee. But those things were meaningless details Yuri already forgot again as he ran across the sidewalk to Otabek, who just helped Victor down the truck bed after they put the armchair down.  
  
Otabek turned around just as Yuri reached him, he looked a little surprised when Yuri jumped into his arms but still managed to catch him, even if he stumbled back a few steps. Yuri wrapped his legs around Otabek’s waist, his arms around his shoulders. The skin of Otabek’s neck was a little sweaty were Yuri’s fingertips brushed but Yuri couldn’t care less. After getting over his initial surprise, Otabek adjusted his grip under Yuri’s thighs so hold him steadier. He looked at Yuri with confusion and wonder in his eyes.  
  
„I love you.“ Yuri said a little breathless, ignoring that Victor and Yuuri were currently witnessing his emotional outburst. Otabek’s eyes widened a little and he looked like he wanted to say something but Yuri simply leaned forward and kissed him, hoping that Otabek could somehow feel how full his heart felt in this very moment. It was a feeling almost too overwhelmingly relieving after his chest had felt too tight for so long after his grandfather had passed away.  
  
When they parted again, Otabek smiled at him. „Everything okay?“ He asked quietly, their faces still close enough to touch noses.  
  
„You want to bring that old dusty armchair into your nice apartment? Really?“ Yuri asked instead of answering Otabek’s question, keeping his voice low as well so it wouldn’t quiver. Otabek seemed to understand him now and squeezed his thighs a little.  
  
„It looks like it could be a cozy reading spot. It would be a shame to leave it behind.“ He said casually but his eyes, that looked deeply into Yuri’s, told just how well Otabek understood the importance of this small action. Yuri felt dizzy with how well Otabek understood him and how much attention he paid to the things that mattered to him. It made his throat feel tight in a way that, surprisingly, wasn’t suffocating.  
  
„Thank you.“ Yuri whispered and leaned forward to press a kiss against Otabek’s jaw.  
  
„Ah,“ Victor sighed, walking over to his fiancé to give the younger couple a bit more space, „to be young and in love…“  


  
  
**xxx**

 

Before they continued loading the truck, they all sat down on the front steps for a rushed but peaceful breakfast. The sun had come out and it was getting surprisingly warm for spring. Yuri shrugged out of his sweater and sat drinking his coffee in only a thin shirt, letting the sun warm his pale skin.  
  
Victor and Yuuri were feeding each other small bits of pastry and brushing sugar off each other's cheeks which made Yuri roll his eyes but since neither of them had really commented on him jumping into Otabek’s arms earlier, he decided to not tease them as well.  
Otabek had practically inhaled his pastry and then reluctantly finished the rest of Yuri’s, who just felt too nervous to eat much. Now they were both silently sipping their coffee and squinting into the sun. Yuri wasn’t sure what Otabek was thinking about but he for once, couldn’t wait until everyone was done eating. He was getting antsy sitting around like this, wanting to get going as soon as possible. Maybe he should let Otabek finish his coffee as well, seeing how he was already so jittery but he was sure that he could use the caffeine later when it was time to carry his things up multiple stairs.  
  
He almost sighed in relief when Victor and Yuuri finally crumpled the empty paper-bag up and quickly, he downed the rest of his cold coffee. Jumping to his feet, he collected the empty cups and simply threw them in the neighbor's trash. If he had his way, they’d be ready to leave in less than an hour.  
The others seemed to get the clue and got to their feet too, heading back inside to grab some boxes. Victor started chattering about the exciting possibilities of moving and what it meant to decorate a new place. Yuri was glad about his pointless chatter since it filled the silence and distorted from the obvious fact that Yuri was impatient to finally leave. No one was rude enough to point his tension out and Yuri smiled widely at Yuuri when he got Victor talking about plants next. Otabek said not much but the warm glances he sent Yuri made him breathe a little easier.  
  
They only had to walk a few times each to load Yuri’s boxes onto the truck bed, then Yuuri and Victor started storing their own things back into the car. Otabek stuffed Yuri’s duvet and pillows into large bin bags and brought them outside towards the car while Yuri put his phone and last belongings into his backpack. When there was nothing left to take care off, he went outside to send Yuuri and Victor off.  
  
He watched how Otabek safely maneuvered the pickup back towards the street, probably saving the neighbors fences as he did so. Victor and Yuuri stood on the sidewalk, looking at Yuri when he joined them. „  
  
Got everything?“ Yuuri asked. Yuri held up his jacket and backpack.  
  
„That’s all. I don’t think there is anything left that needs to go into the car."  
  
„Otabek has our numbers if you need us to turn around or anything. But watch that he doesn’t call while driving.“ Victor said just as Otabek got out of the truck, heading over to them and handing Victor the car keys.  
  
Yuri nodded, then awkwardly squinted at them. Yes, Yuuri and Victor definitely seemed like the kind to hug a lot but Yuri wasn’t ready for that yet.„Thanks again, for all the help.“  
  
„Sure thing.“ Victor said while Yuuri smiled at him. „We should get going now, the drive takes a little longer by car than with a bike. We’ll see you at the apartment guys.“  
  
„Bye.“ Yuri and Otabek watched how the couple got into their violet monster of a pickup truck, honking as they drove off. So much for leaving unnoticed…

For a few silent moments, they stood there saying nothing, looking out to the now empty street. Then Yuri’s hand found Otabek’s and their fingers intervened. „I want to go back inside one last time. Will you come with me?“  
  
„Of course.“  
  
Even with Otabek right behind him and their hands tightly clasped together, it felt like a heavy blanket of silence fell over Yuri as he stepped back inside the house this time. Dust was swirling through the air, visible in the light filtering in from the windows. Their steps echoed a little now that the cupboards and walls were empty of belongings and memories. Slowly, Yuri walked through every room, checking one last time that he wouldn’t leave anything important behind. He closed the windows, pulled the curtains close, locked the back door.  
  
In the kitchen, he closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. In here, his grandpa used to sit on the wooden table, peeling potatoes and reading the newspaper. The old radio would play a song in bad quality and on the stove, there would cook something that would fill the entire house with the comforting smell of food and home. Yuri would come home from his shift and doodle mustaches and ridiculous hats on the people from the newspaper until the food was ready, talking to his grandpa about his day.  
  
Now the kitchen smelled of nothing but dust. Otabek squeezed his hand. Yuri turned around and looked at him. His coffee eyes. The messy strand of hair that fell onto his forehead. The patience that radiated off him, assuring Yuri that he wasn’t acting crazy. Otabek was the only thing alive in this room, the only really important thing he would take with him. He had been the one to tell Yuri, that moving on didn’t mean forgetting. And while Yuri would keep the memories of his old home in his heart forever, it was time to let go of the ghost this empty house had become since his grandfather had left.  
  
„You’re still here.“ Yuri said, meaning so much more. Maybe Otabek would understand, maybe it wasn’t important that he did.  
  
„Where else would I be?“  
  
Yuri stepped closer to him, focusing only on his face. His eyes. Really, Otabek was the only thing in here he needed to look at.  
  
„Let’s go home.“ Yuri said and closed his eyes.  
  
Otabek led him outside and it was only when he heard the front door behind him close, that Yuri opened his eyes again. Otabek was still looking at him, smiling a little. „Keys?“ He asked and Yuri handed them to him to lock the door.  
  
„Oh the spare keys.“ Yuri remembered and hopped down the doorsteps to search for the dwarf with chipped paint in the weeds of the front yard.  
  
When he found them, he took the spare keys from underneath and put them in his pocket. They would have to stop by the estate agent’s office to drop them off. Otabek joined him and gave him the keys back, watching how Yuri got dressed in his jacket and put his backpack on. Then suddenly, he bend down and picked the muddy dwarf up.  
  
„What are you doing, Beka?“ Yuri asked, already halfway to Otabek’s motorbike.  
  
„I kinda like this guy.“ He shrugged and brought it over to Yuri who raised his eyebrow at him.  
  
„Okay? But Beka, we have a 3-hour drive on a bike ahead of us and this is made out of porcelain. There is no space left in my backpack.“  
  
„Hold him.“ Otabek said and Yuri already wanted to protest that he wouldn’t hold on to this dirty thing for the next 3 hours, when Otabek opened the compartment under the bike’s seat to take Yuri’s spare helmet out. He took the dwarf from Yuri’s hands again and put it in the compartment, closing the seat over it.  
  
„Ta-da.“ He grinned and handed Yuri his helmet.  
  
„You really want to take him with you? Why?“  
  
„Because the night of that bar fight was horrible. I knew you were miserable but I couldn’t do anything about it and you wouldn’t tell me the truth. We were fighting and you were drunk and I was so scared of losing you. But when I carried you up to your front door, you softened up and clung to me and I never wanted to let you go again. When you lay giggling in the grass, telling me to search for a dwarf and some spare keys in the dark, I felt so…I don’t know. For a moment you were a careless teen not wanting to get caught drunk and I was the fool in love who would do absolutely to not see you cry again. I would’ve kissed that frog, Yuri. I would’ve slayed that dragon. I would’ve done everything to get us to a point where we could be happy together, I realized that then. And now we’re so close to that point…I just, let’s take the dwarf with us, okay? We’ll buy a nice plant for him to guard.“  
  
Yuri swallowed the lump in his throat and put his helmet aside so he could reach up to cup Otabek’s face. He wanted to say so many things, wanted to open his chest so Otabek could look inside and see what he did to him when he said such things.  
  
Instead he kissed him desperately for the second time that day, wanting to give just as much light back as Otabek poured out for him. Otabek’s hands came up as well to comb through Yuri’s hair, holding him in place when their kiss deepened. They kissed slowly but with hunger, giving his place one last good memory before they left. After their lips parted, they stood hugging each other for another few moments.  
  
„You’re ready?“ Otabek asked into his hair and Yuri nodded.  
  
„Yeah, almost. There is just one last thing."

 

**xxx**

 

Yuri had decided that he didn’t want to visit his grandpa’s grave one last time before he left. He’d only been there once, to begin with, on the day of the funeral, and he’d never felt further apart from his grandfather than standing on the wilted grass, numb from grief and half a bottle of vodka, watching how strangers spoke about a God welcoming Nikolai Plisetsky, that hadn’t bothered to protect his family while he was still alive.  
  
His grandpa would’ve understood that Yuri never again wanted to set a foot on that sorry excuse of a graveyard. He used to joke that one that he’d be buried there but that he’d never find any rest if he had to watch from above how Yuri wasted his life away in this shithole of a town.  
  
Yuratchka _, listen_ boy _, I’ am old and my bones hurt. It’s too late for me to leave this place but you are young. And somewhere inside that stubborn head of yours, you’re very smart too. Promise me that you’ll find a way to get away from here. This town is your past, not your future._  
  
Yuri wouldn’t need to lay flowers down to say goodbye, didn’t feel the urge to cry his heart out to a cold tombstone engraved with a familiar name. His grandfather wasn’t there. Never had been down there in the dark ground, not really.  
He’d stayed with Yuri, in all the parts that were the most important. And Yuri would take him with him into his new life, he wouldn’t leave him behind in this town that had never been his home. Nikolai had been his home and he was still there, in the memories and photographs that Yuri brought with him as he finally left.

Not forgetting, but moving on.

 

**xxx**

 

Otabek stopped the bike on a familiar dirt road, turning the engine off while Yuri eyed the rattly fence and the even shabbier house behind it. The front yard was overgrown and unkempt, littered with empty beer cans, broken plant pots and rusty tools and car parts.  
The sight wasn’t anything usual for this town and yet, mere weeks ago, it would’ve made the hairs on the back of his neck stand up and he would’ve felt ashamed if Otabek saw how the people lived here.  
Now it made him slightly sad but he no longer felt responsible or crushed under the gloom that always lingered here.  
  
They took their helmets off and Yuri handed his to Otabek after he climbed off the bike, letting their fingers brush before he turned towards the house. „It won’t take long.“ Yuri told Otabek with a small smile, looking back at him over his shoulder.  
  
Otabek nodded. „Do you want me to come with you?“  
  
He hesitated for a moment, then shook his head. „I need to do this on my own. Wait for me, okay?“  
  
Otabek smiled. „Where else would I go?“ God, that corny bastard was adopting a habit of varying those words just to get a reaction out of Yuri that would distract him from whatever was plaguing his mind. So far it had worked perfectly. Yuri rolled his eyes but couldn’t help a fond smile from forming.  
  
He felt Otabek’s eyes on him as he walked across the dirt road and pushed the metal fence open. The gate hadn’t even fallen fully shut behind him before a dog that was more bulky muscles than anything else, rounded the house with a force that had grass flying everywhere as he speeded straight towards Yuri. Having expected such thing, Yuri stood still for a moment until the dog slowed down, having recognized the intruder. He trotted a little slower towards Yuri now, wagging his stumpy tail.

„Hey Pasha.“ Yuri muttered softly, holding his fingers out in greeting for the dog to sniff. The animal knew Yuri but since he hadn’t been here in a while, it was better to be safe than sorry. He’d seen before how Pasha ripped a football apart in seconds until it was barely more than confetti. When the dog went to lick his fingers, Yuri quickly withdrew them and patted his square head instead, not wanting his hand to be coated in stinky saliva.  
  
Making his way further through overgrown grass, Pasha trailed lazily behind Yuri. He had just set one foot on the moldy steps leading up to the creaking veranda, when the front door swung open with a squeak. Pasha brushed past Yuri and jumped up the steps, wagging his tail with more enthusiasm as Ivan pushed against the screen door, juggling a mug of coffee in his free hand.  
  
He looked like he’d just gotten out of bed but with Ivan, one never knew. He could’ve just as well stayed up all night playing a round of poker with the guys from the gas station. Maybe he’d just come home a while ago. His hair was messy and in desperate need of a cut. The sweatpants he wore were faded and worn and his muscle shirt was dotted with stains. Despite the slight chill, he was barefoot but he squinted against the sun when he spotted Yuri, letting the door fall shut behind him.  
  
Yuri climbed the rest of the steps while Pasha laid down on the battered doormat after Ivan told him to calm down. For a moment, Ivan’s eyes wandered right over his shoulder and into the distance. Yuri didn’t turn his head to see if it’s Otabek he was looking at but what else would catch his attention on the dusty road? Yuri waited a heartbeat but Ivan didn’t comment on it but greeted him with a wonky grin instead.  
  
„Yuratchka,“ he whistled, leaning back against the house wall. „Back from the death?“  
  
No one had called him that since his Grandfather passed away. So Yuri tried not to flinch or bark at Ivan for it.  
  
„Looks like it.“ Is what he eventually settled for. Ivan and him had always been big on the bullshit. Tasteless jokes and meaningless chatter is what they were unbeatable at. Now though, Yuri realized, they couldn’t beat around the bush and this was already so hard. He hadn’t even properly started.  
  
And Ivan’s eyes may be red-rimmed and tired but the gleam in them told Yuri that he already noticed that something was up. Yuri has left this house more than enough times in the early morning hours but never has he visited here sober. Never has he come here while the sun was still high in the sky. He’s not too sure what he even wants here. This place meant nothing to him and Ivan had been a shit friend. But regardless, he had been his friend. One of few. And maybe Yuri would feel just a little too much like his mother if he just ran off without a word. So he was going to say goodbye.  
  
Ivan pulled a crinkled package of cigarettes from his sweatpants and offered one to Yuri wordlessly, before putting one for himself between his chapped lips. Pasha raised his head when the lighter clicked and Yuri leaned forward so he and Ivan could light up on the same flame. Up close, Ivan smelled like stale coffee faint sweat.

Yuri inhaled deeply, watching the cherry of his cigarette glow red before he leaned back against the wall next to Ivan. He had to stop himself from letting his eyes wander over to where Otabek waited although he was still looking at him. But directing his attention at Ivan seemed hard to, especially since he had no idea where to start. Blowing smoke out of his nostrils, Yuri stared at the dusty tips of his shoes and old paint spatters on the old wood beneath them.  
  
They smoked the first cigarette in silence.  
  
Yuri knew that Ivan knew that he wasn’t here to simply hang out but since Yuri couldn’t spit it out, Ivan didn’t do him the favor of making things easier for him. He had always enjoyed watching Yuri squirm and laughed when he finally snapped. Yuri had hated him in those moments.  
  
Maybe it was unfair, made up out of thin air even, but to Yuri, Ivan felt like the embodiment of this town. A mirror to Yuri’s own future he couldn’t stand looking at. Where Yuri had never wanted to accept any of this as his life or home even, Ivan had declared himself king of his own misery.  
While Yuri had desperately clung to his dreams, Ivan never had any, to begin with. Maybe it was because Ivan had been dealt even shittier cards since no one had looked after him like Yuri’s grandfather had looked after him. Maybe it was because Ivan wasn’t scared of letting himself fall, unbothered by the risks of numbing his pain with poison that would end up destroying him. Or maybe, Ivan had never been naive enough to hope for anything beyond this.  
  
_Make yourself at home in the dirt, Plisetsky. You’ll end up being dragged down anyway._

Only a few years older than Yuri, Ivan had the mindset of someone who had lived here all his life, knowing that it was pointless to reach for more. He had accepted his situation and made peace with it. Celebrated it with a bottle of cheap booze and too many cigarettes.  
  
Yuri had been scared shitless of ending up just like him. He still kinda was now.  
  
„I’m leaving town.“ Yuri suddenly vomited the words out as if he’d chocked on them otherwise. „For good.“ He turned his head to look at Ivan, waiting for a reaction.  
  
Squinting against the midday sun, Ivan took another drag. „Are you?“  
  
„Yes.“  
  
„When?“  
  
„After this.“  
  
„So you’re really gonna do it, huh?“ Ivan mused, lighting himself a new cigarette. Yuri still hadn’t finished his. „I always thought you were bluffing. Or dreaming, or whatever…“  
  
Yuri flicked the ashes off his cigarette to give his fingers something to do. „No I’m really gonna do it. Put all my stuff into boxes, sold grandpa’s car. The house is basically empty now.“  
  
„And the beefcake over there?“ Ivan nodded towards Otabek and his bike. „How much has he to do with that?“  
  
Yuri felt some anger prickle under his skin but could feel himself blush regardless. „We’re together if that’s what you’re trying to ask.“  
  
„So someone finally tapped that ass.“ Ivan grinned and licked his wonky front teeth. „I don’t know how I feel about that.“  
  
„I don’t care how you feel about that.“ Yuri sucked on his cigarette, glad that Otabek hadn’t come with him to greet Ivan.  
  
Ivan laughed but left it be. Yuri thought of it as a parting gift that he didn’t choose to stir shit up. „You’re actually going.“ Ivan mumbled, more to himself.

„It’s all I ever talked about.“  
  
Ivan shrugged. „Still never thought that it would happen.“ He said it so casually, yet so genuine that it stung. He had never believed that Yuri would make it out.  
  
Yuri swallowed and stepped his cigarette out with the tip of his shoe. „I’m here to say goodbye.“  
  
„You wanna make a big deal out of it, Plisetsky? Should I squeeze out some tears? Kiss you goodbye? Or do you just want to rub it in my face?“

His fingers twitched enough to make Yuri want to take a swing at Ivan. Blue blossoms under his eye to say goodbye. Yuri already felt drained from being in his presence for too long. Another reason to leave.

„Fuck you.“ Yuri said, focusing to not let his actual anger show. He didn’t want to cause a scene. „People are going to talk about it, you know that. I thought I should let you know first.“  
  
Jumping from one emotion to another had always been a thing Ivan did. Sometimes it was to aggravate people, sometimes it was because of the drugs. „Are you going to visit me every now and then, angelface?“ He mocked, already knowing the answer.  
  
„You’ll never know where you might end up running into people you know.“  
  
„So you won’t even come back to good old _Carmen_?“  
  
Yuri huffed. „You remember the club from my birthday?“ Yuri could’ve simply told Ivan where he was going to live from now on, or that Otabek sometimes DJ’ed at that same club but something was holding him back. He wanted a clean cut. „I might go back there sometimes, it was cool.“ He also didn’t mention that he used to work there.

Ivan let out a snort that was half laughing, half anger. Yuri wasn’t sure what to make out of it and suddenly, he did feel like he was rubbing his new freedom a little into Ivan’s face.

„It’s not like I won the lottery, for fuck's sake. I saved up and now I’m going. You could do the same thing, you know?“ _You have no right to act so_ pissed _._  
  
Yuri’s chest was heaving a little in anger. It wasn’t like he was responsible for Ivan or that he had to bring him with him like a stray just because they’d been somewhat like friends for the last few years.  
  
„Sofia is pregnant.“ Ivan said then, continuing to smoke like he’d just told Yuri about the weather.  
  
His anger blew away instantly, threatening to be replaced by something both of them hated: pity.

„Is it yours?“ Yuri asked because it was a valid question.  
  
He liked both, Sofia and Nina, even if he wouldn’t say goodbye to them. That said, he knew what both of them were like. He had always hoped they would’ve been a little older at least when the inevitable happened.  
  
Ivan shrugged. „Probably.“ He knew what the girls around here were like too.  
  
„Is she going to keep it?“  
  
„I think so.“  
  
„Wow.“ Yuri said, his relief of knowing that he wouldn’t be around to witness another young family trying to make ends meet, immediately followed by guilt for thinking so in the first place. He knew that it was best to not think about it at all. This place wasn’t meant for illusions.  
  
„I’ll try to stick around, you know? Be there for her, them.“  
  
That made Yuri’s throat feel tight and he felt bad for snapping at Ivan and telling him that he could leave too. He sincerely hoped that destiny had more hope in his friend than Yuri did.  
  
„That’s cool.“ Yuri mumbled and hated that not even babies made this town a brighter place. Somewhere on earth, pregnancies were a reason to celebrate, right? „I’ll cross my fingers for you.“  
  
Ivan nodded and finished his cigarette in silence while Yuri tried not to think about his own mother and the unplanned plus sign he had once been.  
  
„So.“ Ivan flicked his cigarette away and turned to look at Yuri. „How about you twirl for me, Plisetsky. Let me get one last good look.“ He was grinning again.  
  
„You can watch my ass as I’m walking away from you, pervert.“ Yuri grinned back, happy that Ivan went back to jokes and meaningless chatter for his sake.  
  
„Go on then,“ Ivan said and jerked his head towards the fence. His face was soft and he was smiling. „Fuck off.“  
  
Yuri hadn’t expected them to hug and cry, to promise each other to stay in contact and that they would miss the other. That wasn’t them. They had been weak partners in crime and now Yuri was leaving before the crimes got too big to be filed under teenage frustration.  
  
This goodbye was like ripping a plaster off and it felt right.  
  
„Later, loser.“ Yuri smiled and pushed past him. He already heard the click of the lighter again as he descended from the porch, smoke following after him while he walked away from the house.

Behind the rattly fence, Otabek was waiting for him, nose stuck in a crinkled paperback book. Their helmets dangled from the handlebar and Otabek himself was slouched on the bike like it was a plushy chair. Yuri had no idea where the book had even come from but it amused him that even now, Otabek found the time to read.  
  
He looked up from it when the fence clattered, smiling at Yuri. And Yuri let the fence fall shut behind him without turning, feeling absolutely no need to look back.  
  
„Hey.“ Otabek said, closing his book as he sat up straight.  
  
„Hey.“ Yuri said, stepping between his legs.  
  
„Everything okay?“ He asked and Yuri was sure that in between lines, Otabek had found the time to glance up and keep an eye on him.  
  
„Yeah.“ Yuri nodded, feeling himself relax at being back beside Otabek. He looped his arms around his shoulders and let his forehead rest against his, closing his eyes for a moment.  
  
Otabek chuckled but sneaked an arm around his waist as well. „What? Did you miss me?“  
  
Yuri hummed. „I’ll kill you if you tell someone.“  
  
Then he leaned in a little lower, searching Otabek’s mouth with his own. He let himself be reassured by the press of hot lips against his, feeling like he could breathe easier again when Otabek kissed him firmly.  
  
„I’m ready now.“ Yuri murmured when they parted and Otabek’s eyes looked like liquid gold when the sun hit his face.

 

**xxx**

 

Wind was ripping at the tips of Yuri’s hair that he hadn’t shoved inside his helmet, letting them dance in the corners of his vision as the world flew by in swirls of color.  
Spring had finally arrived, painting the sky blue and letting the sun shine brightly between the few clouds visible, while around them , trees started to blossom again. Between patches of mud, green grass was growing and the first weeds and flowers poked their heads out of the ground.  
Yuri only caught swimming moments of his surroundings, colors mixing into a blur as Otabek sped the bike up.  
  
Still, Yuri kept his eyes wide open, not wanting to miss out on anything. There were Otabek’s board shoulders clad in leather directly in front of him, along with the shiny back of his helmet. When he tried to peak over his shoulder, he could see part of himself in the side mirrors, the fuel gage and speedometer and most excitingly, the open road ahead of them.  
  
Yuri had held his breath and his heart had skipped a beat when they raced past the city limit sign. Feeling almost weightless with happiness, he had tightened his arms around Otabek’s waist so he wouldn’t simply float away.  
  
His fingers were cold, almost numb against the wind but he dug them against the leather covering Otabek’s stomach and grazed his nails over the zipper, figuring that the cold didn’t bother him too much.  
Besides, the rest of him felt warm. Otabek had made sure that he wore layers so he wouldn’t freeze during the drive and inside his chest, Yuri felt an excited flutter that seemed to make his blood dance through his veins.  
  
The approaching signs told Yuri that Otabek was heading for the freeway as the sparse corn fields slowly disappeared behind them. Yuri tried to wrap his head around the fact that he was actually leaving, that this was it, that he would never come back. It felt a little like he was dreaming still, although his racing heart told him differently.  
  
If it weren’t for the rushing in his ears or the helmets and speed separating them, Yuri would’ve told Otabek about this thoughts. How crazy this was. How excited and scared he was. How happy he felt. He told himself to make a list inside his head, to tell Otabek all of that once they arrived and took their helmets off. He would fling himself into his arms and kiss him until his lips felt as numb as his fingers. And maybe he would cry a little against his chest because he felt so _happy_ and he was free, free, free.  
  
Realizing that Yuri had squeezed his eyes shut when he felt his lashes get wet at the emotional storm inside him, Yuri now opened them again. Slumping a little against Otabek’s back, his view drifted down for the first time.  
There on the road beneath them, wavering and painted in black, was their shadow. Feeling the sun on one side of his body even through layers of clothing, Yuri watched fascinated how the shadow-bike raced over the asphalt beside them. Otabek’s shadow was looking straight ahead, spine straight as he focused on the traffic. But his own shadow had his helmeted head tilted, stands of hair fluttering over his shoulders in the wind. Without any visible lines or colors separating them, it almost looked like shadow Yuri and shadow Otabek had melted against each other, with Yuri’s arms and legs firmly wrapped around Otabek’s shoulders and hips.  
  
In a way, it was a little like looking into a mirror but without his own judging eyes staring back. Without looking away from himself in order to look at Otabek only. Without looking at them together hesitantly, only to be struck in the face by how different they were, not only physically.  
  
In a way, it was a little like looking into a mirror but this time, Yuri didn’t even think about averting his eyes. He looked at Otabek and then back at himself before he looked at them both as one, wrapped around each other. Now they didn’t look too different at all, couldn’t _be_ too different since they fit perfectly together.  
  


 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is your official warning that this story is almost at its end. I think I have about 2, maybe 3 more updates more to go and than that's it. I'm thinking one more chapter and an Epilogue but I'm not sure yet how long that's gonna get, just so you know. 
> 
> Also, I started this fic a year ago now? (and I'm still not done, wow) But yeah, thanks for sticking around for so long and being overall lovely and supporting <3 Happy Birthday TBYAIL 
> 
> Let me know what you think please & maybe leave some kudos :)


	25. twenty five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is 14K long so I hope that made the wait worth it. It's also the last chapter, only the Epilogue left now. Enjoy reading <3

  
  
They stopped for petrol when they were about two-thirds of the way to Otabek’s apartment and when he took his helmet off to go inside the station to pay, Yuri noticed how exhausted Otabek looked.

Traffic was bad and Yuri had clung to him tightly when Otabek waved in between cars who got stuck, rolling forwards slowly. Having to concentrate so much paired with only a few hours of sleep and the excitement of the last few days, now had purple shadows appearing under his eyes.  
Yuri himself would have gladly placed his head between Otabek’s shoulder blades during the ride and snoozed off but the traffic had made him a little nervous as well and he wanted to be there for Otabek in spirit at least, while he got them out of the jam.

Taking his own helmet off, Yuri rubbed his eyes and wished he had bought some sunglasses. He probably had a pair shoved deeply inside his backpack but although the bright sunlight blinded him, he decided that he’d manage the rest of the way without them too.  
Squinting a little against the light, he kept his eyes on the doors until Otabek came back walking through them. He was fiddling with his phone and only looked up when he stood right next to his bike again.

„Yuuri and Victor are stuck in traffic.“ He sighed, putting his phone away.

„Not much of a surprise, is it?“

„I feel bad, who knows how long it’s gonna take.“ He said and took his helmet when Yuri handed it to him.

Yuri bit his lips, not sure what to say. „We’ll tell them that they can just dump my stuff off and we’ll carry it all up. Then they can head home.“

Otabek huffed in amusement. „They’re not like that. Victor would probably help us paint the entire apartment all during the night if only he got to choose a color.“

Yuri grimaced. „Wow, is there no cure for him?“

Otabek laughed again and leaned forward to quickly peck Yuri on the mouth. He smelled like stale coffee and a new piece of chewing gum. Traitor.

Pouting, Yuri shoved his fingers into one of the many pockets of Otabek’s leather jacket. Otabek let him fumble until Yuri found the pack of gum, smiling at him when Yuri glaringly put a minty strip into his mouth.

„You could’ve just asked me for one.“ He murmured, watching how Yuri purposely smacked.

„You could’ve just offered me one yourself, you sad excuse of a gentleman.“ His glare turned soft when Otabek wasn’t buying his act, giggling at Otabek’s grin.

„I’ll make it up to you.“ Otabek played along, although there was nothing he’d done wrong in the first place. Yuri wondered if a heart could feel light and heavy at the same time. _You’ve done so much, you have nothing to make up for and yet you offer more._

He was tired and exhausted, wanting nothing more to finally arrive at Otabek’s place and yet, he considered just throwing his arms around Otabek’s neck at this grimy petrol station and kissing him until his lips went numb.

However, before he could finish that thought, Otabek spoke up again. „How do you feel about stopping somewhere for lunch? I have no food at home and we’re likely gonna wait for Victor and Yuuri for a while longer anyway.“

„Yeah, okay. Sounds good.“ Yuri mumbled, still squinting into the sun and wondering if Otabek knew how much Yuri loved him. He had to know.

„Come on then.“ Snapping his helmet in place and swinging his leg back over the bike, Otabek waited for Yuri to climb behind him on the leather seat.  
  
_I’ll show him, I’ll do my best to make him realize._  
  
„I’m coming.“ Yuri smiled, shaking his hair back to put his own helmet on.

  
**xxx**

 

The Café Otabek pulled up to wasn’t far from his apartment and at this time of the day not too busy, save for some old couples and scattered students with their noses buried in books.

Unlike the Diner Yuri had worked at, the atmosphere here was quiet and cozy. No harsh lights, dark wooden counter matching the brown leather seats and most noticeably, the floor wasn’t sticky with cherry-cola.  
There were plants in the corners, handwritten menus in colorful chalk on the walls and quiet indie playing from the speakers.

„Damn, Beka. If you knew this place existed, why did you even bother to hang out at the Diner all the time?“ Yuri asked, referring to all the hours Otabek had lingered by the bar when Yuri worked, eating soggy fries.

Otabek put his arms around his shoulder and pulled him closer as they walked towards the counter, kissing his temple. „I would’ve never set a foot in there if it weren’t for the cute waiter that used to work there.“

Yuri tried to hide his smile. „No cute waiters working here?“

„They’re alright.“ Otabek grinned, kissing Yuri’s temple again when he rolled his eyes.

They ordered tea, sandwiches and a soup to share before sitting down in a cozy corner at the window. Rather than sitting opposite from Otabek, Yuri let himself fall into the seat next to him and leaned his head against his shoulder while they waited for their food.  
His eyes were burning a little again and he thought about the little amount of sleep he had gotten, wondering if he should’ve rather ordered some coffee. To keep himself distracted while Otabek replied to the texts Yuuri had sent him, Yuri let his eyes wander.

The Café seemed to be close to a University or school of some sort since most people that came in, were small groups of young people with book bags that quickly ordered and left again without sitting down to eat.

The crowd at the Diner Yuri used to work at had mostly consisted of stressed families traveling through, grimy truckers or impatient businessmen that got lost.

It was probably due to the fact that, in a city this large, there were more Café’s and Restaurants nearby but this Café didn’t appear to be overly crowded while still having lots of customers of all ages coming in.  
May it be the leather, may it be all the wood, may it be because of all the students busy with their laptops or phones - it was quiet and peaceful and Yuri felt very comfortable.

A guy with a pointy nose and spiked hair then brought their tea, telling them with a smile that their food would follow in a moment .

Yuri watched the waiter disappear again while Otabek scooped honey into his steaming mug.

„Are you here often?“ Yuri asked, observing how the waiter happily chattered with another customer. The haunted look of stress, that Yuri had always seen his coworkers wear, was amiss in his eyes.

„Sometimes.“ Otabek shrugged. „They make very good pastries that I try to stay away from. Why?“

„Is it always so chill in here?“

Otabek didn’t seem to get what Yuri was after. „Some days are busier than others, I guess.“ He licked the honey off his spoon and Yuri wrinkled his nose.

„But is it ever like it was at the Diner?“ Yuri urged and then wondered if Otabek had even noticed the overly tired and sweaty waitresses and the constant yells from the kitchen that were anything but friendly.

Otabek perked up. „You mean handsy customers, a stressful environment and tables stickier than my honey?“ He waved his spoon around. „No, it’s not but then again, the Diner was a hellhole like no other.“

„Really?“ Yuri asked, feeling small. He’d always assumed that a job like that _was_ just stressful and annoying. Screaming toddlers and grumpy guests were nothing he had any influence over and so he’d just accepted that his shifts were always exhausting and came with fierce headaches.

„Like I said, I would’ve never sat a foot in there if it weren’t for you.“ Otabek said, pulling him back from his thoughts. „I guess every job has his ups and downs but those weren’t proper work conditions.“

„Huh.“ Yuri mumbled, taking a sip from his own tea while his thoughts were spinning. Otabek looked a little weirdly at him but didn’t push, choosing to play with his cutlery instead.

„Oh, I think that’s our food.“ He said a moment later, directing Yuri’s attention towards the approaching waiter. „Isn’t it weird how you get so much hungrier as soon as you order food and have to wait for it?“  
„Yeah.“ Yuri said, sitting up a little straighter. The waiter was the same guy as before. He sat their food down with a smile. The name tag on his shirt said  _Georgi._

Yuri’s heart skipped and suddenly, he just had to ask before the guy ran off again. „Hey, I umm…I have a question.“

The guy, Georgi, looked up at him with friendly eyes. „Yeah? How can I help?“

„Do you hire?“ Yuri blurted before he could chicken out, ignoring Otabek’s curious glance from the side.

Georgi seemed surprised for a second but recovered quickly. „Um, I’m not sure? Most of the staff are students at the Uni here so it happens that they quit when they drop out or that we need new people when someone gets sick. But I think we may have space for more help. I could get you a form to fill out?“

„Yes, please. That would be great.“ Yuri breathed out and smiled in a way that he hoped said _hire me, hire me, hire me._

„Okay, I’ll be right back then. Enjoy your food.“

Once Georgi was gone, Otabek turned to him. „Not wasting any time, huh?“ He smiled gently.

Yuri shrugged. „I need a job. The sooner the better and I like it here. It’s cozy and not too far away from your apartment.“

„Our apartment.“ Otabek automatically corrected. „And I’ll be the first one to cross my fingers for you. But even if you don’t get this job because they don’t hire, then there are plenty more restaurants close by. You know that you can take your time finding a job, right?“

Yuri stirred the soup to let it cool a little. „Yeah I know but I want to find something new soon. I said that I’d continue to be a waiter until I figure out what to actually do, so it doesn’t hurt to try here too, does it?“

„No.“ Otabek smiled and reached for his own spoon just as Georgi returned with some papers and a pen for Yuri.

„Thank you.“ Yuri said as he took them and Georgi wished him good luck before returning to the other guests.

They chewed on their sandwiches as they silently read through the papers together, careful to not smudge the pages or leave crumbs on them. After swallowing his last bite, Otabek handed him some napkins and then the pen Georgi had brought.

„Here goes nothing.“ Yuri laughed shakily while Otabek squeezed his thigh encouragingly under the table.

“I’m not sure how I’m supposed to stay away from these pastries if you do get the job, Yura.“

  
**xxx**

 

Yuri felt ready to sink to the floor and fall asleep by the time they reached Otabek’s apartment. He blamed his full belly and Otabek’s affection for feeling so sleepy and lazy, leaning heavily against Otabek’s back as he drove the bike into the apartment's garage.  
If Yuri had felt reluctant before about not wanting to separate from Otabek and his warmth, he definitely felt so now, surrounded by cold dampness and concrete walls.

Killing the engine, Otabek obviously waited for Yuri to get off the bike first but Yuri couldn’t bring himself to move. Outside the sun was shining but it was still far from summer and Yuri dreaded the chill that would crawl over his skin if he let go of Otabek.  
Maybe he should just close his eyes and feign sleep until Otabek took pity on him and carried him upstairs.

„Yura.“ Otabek said as if he’d heard his thoughts, wiggling his shoulders to jostle Yuri who’d sagged against him. „Move your little butt, come on.“

Releasing a sound that was half wine, half growl, Yuri made a big show of slipping off the bike as if his legs were too weak to carry him any longer. Not that Otabek, who still sat with his back towards him, saw any of it.  
So Yuri opted for pouting after he took his helmet off and watched Otabek kick out his stand before pocketing his keys and getting off the bike himself. When Otabek came to face him, helmet in hand, he chuckled at him.

„What?“ Yuri demanded, frown deepening.

„Your hair is a mess.“ Otabek grinned, reaching for it while Yuri halfheartedly tried to jerk away. „You look adorable.“

„Don’t make fun of me.“ _I’m tired,_ Yuri wanted to add but that would’ve been unfair.

Otabek was tired too. Surely he would much rather curl up on his couch and close his eyes for a few moments. But they were waiting for Katsudon and Victor to arrive, so they could bring all of Yuri’s stuff up to unpack.  
The least Yuri could do was stopping himself from whining and making himself useful instead. He sent a wonky smile towards Otabek, hoping that it would cover up his train of thought.

If Otabek had noticed Yuri’s faltering motivation, he didn’t show it. „Scruffy kitten.“ He teased and took Yuri’s hand, leading him towards the elevator.

Yuri followed without resistance, leaning against Otabek while they rode up. Glancing at the mirrored wall, he noticed that not only his hair was a mess but he also looked pale and a little lost. Not bothering to smooth his hair down, he glared at his reflection and then focused on his and Otabek’s intertwined fingers until the elevator doors opened again.

Eventually, Otabek had to drop is hand in order to fish out his keys but as soon as he unlocked his apartment door, his shoulders tensed.

„I completely forgot about this.“ He said into his hallway, blocking Yuri’s view from whatever had made him pause.

_He changed his mind_ , Yuri thought and wanted to bite his tongue off for immediately thinking like that.

„What?“ Yuri rasped out, feeling nervous despite telling himself that Otabek wasn’t about to dump him.

He just sighed. „Sorry for the mess.“ Otabek said and stepped aside so Yuri could go inside first.

There were shoes scattered all over Otabek’s entrance area, boots and sneakers thrown into every corner. The shelf they were supposed to fill, stood empty and several inches away from the wall like someone had tried to move it with great effort. Dust bunnies caught Yuri’s eye, along with multiple small piles of sand and dried mud all over the floor and in between Otabek’s shoes.

„I don’t mind.“ Yuri said, unable to keep the confusion out of his voice as he stepped into Otabek’s apartment and eyed the mess. He really didn’t mind but he came to know Otabek as a very neat person so this was a little odd.

„I was in a bit of a rush when I last left my apartment.“ Otabek explained with an embarrassed shrug as he closed the door behind him. „Leave your shoes on for now, there is sand everywhere.“

If Otabek wanted to tell him, he would eventually. So Yuri nodded and stepped over the shoes. „Okay. But I guess we should put them away before Yuuri and Victor get here.“

Although the mental picture of Victor stumbling over the shoes while juggling moving-boxes as if in a cartoon was rather entertaining.

„Sure, I’ll get a dustpan.“ And off he was, leaving Yuri with the shoes.

Reminding himself to be useful, Yuri put his jacket and backpack aside to squat down and start putting the shoes back into the shelf in pairs.  
He had to smile a little at how many Otabek owned. Yuri didn’t take him for one of those guys who considered their footwear to be sacred but he made a mental reminder to definitely tease him about it at one point.

„You didn’t have to do that.“ Otabek smiled when he returned with dustpan and brush, just as Yuri put the last pair away.

„I probably didn’t put them where they belong anyway.“ Yuri shrugged, stepping aside so Otabek could collect sand and dust bunnies.

„It’s not like I organize them in a specific order.“ Otabek huffed to Yuri’s relief. Not that crazy about shoes then. „So thank you.“

Together they pushed the shelf back against the wall before they hung their jackets up and then they stood a little lost in Otabek’s hallway, looking at each other.

„What now?“ Yuri asked, clutching his backpack to his chest, hoping that he didn’t look like a toddler someone had forgotten to pick up.

„Tea?“ Otabek asked and although they just had some at the Café, he went along with it just so they could find their way back into their usual routine of calmness.

More than anything, Yuri was scared of becoming an intruder in Otabek’s home. During the last few weeks at his Grandpa’s house, they had fallen into rhythm with each other and now Yuri was afraid of losing that.  
He wanted to melt right into Otabek’s home like he was a pillow that didn’t attract attention between the others on the couch. He wanted to be viewed as pretty and useful, as wanted and comfortable. His heart would break if Otabek were to look at him one day and think: _I regret bringing his home, it doesn’t bring me joy and it doesn’t match the rest of my interior._

Technically, he knew that it would upset Otabek to know that Yuri had thoughts like that but Yuri couldn’t help it. All he could do was trying to push said thoughts away and follow Otabek into his kitchen. On the way there he dropped his backpack off in the living room and tried not to feel bad at the sight of a dead plant.

Dust had settled over Otabek’s belongings, his plants had died and his food had gone off. His mail was piling up too and it was all Yuri’s fault because he was the reason Otabek hadn’t been home in a while. He dug his fingernails into the palm of his hand.

„Your plants are dead.“ Yuri said while Otabek poured hot water into two mugs.  
  
He wondered why he always had to test Otabek like that. It was almost as if he expected him to turn around with a sour expression and hiss: _yeah, how do you think that happened? I think you owe me new ones since it’s basically your fault they no longer bloom._

Otabek never reacted like that. He chuckled and set the kettle down. „Yeah, I should’ve asked someone to come over and water them. Oh well…“

It wouldn’t always be like this, Yuri told himself, he would learn to not expect the ground to shake beneath his feet at any given second, there was just no reason for it. He smiled at Otabek.

„We’ll get new ones.“

They brought their mugs over to the living room and curled up on Otabek’s couch. Their tea eventually got cold on the coffee table because once they cuddled into each other’s arms, neither of them felt the urge to change their positions again. Yuri blinked tiredly into the nothingness while running his fingers through Otabek’s hair, wondering if he was asleep already.

„Maybe we should just nap until Victor and Yuuri get here.“Yuri yawned then, pondering how wrong it would be to be lazy while Otabek’s friends were stuck in traffic with his things.  
Not getting an answer, Yuri listened to Otabek’s even breathing. It was tempting to slip into sleep as well but with their luck, they would be lights out by the time Victor and Yuuri arrived and then no one could open the door for them.

Careful not to wake Otabek, Yuri moved his fingers to fish Otabek’s phone out of his pocket. No new messages. Still he turned the volume all the way up so they wouldn’t miss any calls, before placing it on the coffee table. Otabek grunted quietly against his neck at the movement.

With Otabek’s body weighing him down, Yuri allowed himself a few moments of resting his eyes. Only so he wouldn’t wake Otabek by getting up. Just for a few minutes.

  
**xxx**

Yuri woke to the sound of a car honking down on the street and ripped his eyes open. Otabek had rolled a little to the side and was still fast asleep, face buried in a pillow. Afraid that it had been Victor honking because they had slept through their arrival, Yuri reached for Otabek’s phone.

No new notifications. Yuri had only slept for half an hour.

He relaxed and put the phone back down, reaching for his forgotten mug instead. The tea was cold but Yuri gulped it down regardless, feeling hot and thirsty after his accidental nap. Behind him on the couch, Otabek snored a little, making Yuri grin into his tea.

Feeling the need to go to the bathroom, he sneaked away from the couch, deciding to let Otabek sleep for a little longer.  
It was a little weird to pad through Otabek’s apartment in silence and on his own, he had to remind himself that this was his home now as well and that he wasn’t snooping around, but living here.

While washing his hands, Yuri noticed that his hair had gone from bad to worse as he looked in the mirror. Unsure where he had put his hairbrush, he simply gathered his mane up into a messy bun and secured it with a tie. At least the nap had brought some color back to his face and he no longer looked dead.

Deciding that there was too much to do to justify sitting around any longer, Yuri headed quietly back into the kitchen. After spending several minutes searching for trash bags, he started sorting through the fridge. His bag filled with spoiled food, then dead kitchen plants and some old newspapers. Next he started the dishwasher that was still half full and then went to scrub the fridge clean inside out. He was in the middle of cleaning all counter tops when he heard a cough behind him that made him jump.

„What are you doing?“ Otabek chuckled when Yuri pressed a soapy hand against his chest, trying to will his heartbeat to calm down.

„I’m having a heart attack.“ Yuri glared. „Didn’t anyone thought you that it’s rude to sneak up on people?“

„You sneaked off first. I wanted to cuddle.“ Otabek fake pouted, seemingly playful after his nap.

„You snored.“ Yuri stated. „It was terrifying.“

„You’re so mean, Yuri Plisetsky.“ Otabek smiled, leaning against the counter. „And you got soap on your shirt.“

„Dang it!“ Yuri groaned and reached for a tea towel to first dry his hands before he attempted to wipe the foam away.

Suddenly Otabek reached out and hooked his fingers through the belt-loops of Yuri’s jeans, pulling him closer. With a surprised huff, Yuri stumbled right into his arms.

„You could take it off, you know.“ Otabek murmured with half closed eyes, leaning forward to steal a kiss. Yuri made another unattractive noise but wrapped his arms around Otabek nevertheless, opening his lips for Otabek’s tongue.

Trash and soapy counters forgotten, Yuri let Otabek fiddle with the hem of his shirt, humming when his fingers brushed over the naked skin of his waist. He buried his own hands in Otabek’s hair, feeling his heartbeat pick up when Otabek sucked on his lower lip.

In the back of his mind there was some sort of whispering about wanting to change the bedsheets and mopping the floor eventually but that all disappeared when Otabek suddenly gripped him under the thighs and hoisted him up the counter.  
Yuri moaned against Otabek’s hot mouth and his legs fell open to let him step between them, he wrapped one leg around Otabek’s hip to pull him even closer.

Otabek hummed and his mouth slid from Yuri’s, down to his jaw and over his neck, leaving a little wet trail behind. „Take it off.“ He rasped and pushed Yuri’s shirt further up his waist, wrinkling the fabric. He grazed his teeth over Yuri’s pulse and Yuri let his head fall back against a cabinet door with a small thump.

„You take it off.“ Yuri mumbled with closed eyes, feeling a welcoming heat spread through him. „You should always take my clothes off for me. Whenever you want to. Just strip me down.“

Otabek licked over Yuri’s throat and when he pulled back the slightest to speak, his hot breath prickled against the wet skin, causing goosebumps. „You’d never wear pants again, baby. I’d be staring at your naked ass 24/7.“ He pushed Yuri’s shirt up to his armpits, ducking down to kiss over his chest next.

„I don’t see the problem.“ Yuri moaned and then gasped when Otabek sucked his nipple into his mouth, biting down a little.

Yuri’s hips jerked and he scooted his ass closer to the edge of the countertop, wanting to press himself against Otabek.  
His hands slid from Otabek’s hair down to his neck, nails raking over his skin hard enough to make Otabek groan quietly against his chest before he dragged his hot lips back over Yuri’s hard nipple, wetting it further with spit.  
Yuri’s shirt was still trapped under his armpits, his jeans grew tighter by the second and he was feeling so hot that he didn’t know what to do first - rid himself off his clothes or help Otabek get out of his.

He made a frustrated noise that turned into a whine when Otabek bit down harder and he let his hands fall down to Otabek’s ass, pulling him closer against him and the counter. Caging his hips by hooking his legs around them, Yuri pressed their crotches together but with the thick fabric of their jeans being in the way, it still wasn’t enough.

Panting and groaning, Yuri started to fumble with the waistband and buttons of Otabek’s pants, intending to shove his hand inside and curl his fingers around Otabek’s hot cock. He wanted to jerk him off right here in the kitchen and lick his fingers clean after. He’d go crazy if he didn’t get his hands on him right this second, Yuri was sure of that.

„Beka,“ Yuri panted, scratching his nails through the thin trail of dark hair that grew beneath Otabek’s navel,“Come here. Kiss me.“

Yuri felt sore and tender all over his neck and chest, his nipples wet and sensitive against the slightest brush of Otabek’s shirt as he came back up to find Yuri’s lips with his. Yuri couldn’t spare the time to separate from Otabek for a moment to look down at the damage Otabek’s teeth had surely done but he was guessing that he’d find an impressive collection of hickies and bruise there later.

Finally Otabek seemed to catch up with Yuri and his hands joined in to shove at waistbands, eager fingers digging against hot skin to get rid of unnecessary fabric. Yuri unzipped Otabek’s jeans blindly, exchanging feverish kisses that left his lips prickling and wet. He felt like burning up on the inside, wanting Otabek’s hands on him just as much as he wanted to touch him. Maybe they should just sink to the floor and do it on the tiles, right in front of the oven.

His ears were ringing from Otabek’s kisses, each slide of his tongue against his own making him dizzier until Otabek suddenly pulled away, fingers shoved halfway into the back of Yuri’s jeans.  
Yuri whined and latched onto his neck instead, sucking his swollen lips over Otabek’s racing pulse. He could hear Otabek taking a few shaky breaths over the ringing in his ears but he keeps his eyes close, continuing to kiss up Otabek’s sharp jaw and slight stubble, wanting to let his lips travel their way back to his mouth.

But then Otabek pulled his fingers from Yuri’s jeans and put his hands on his shoulders instead as if he wanted to gently push him away. „Yura.“ He murmured and Yuri grazed his teeth over the sensitive skin just below his ear. There is no way Otabek will get him to take a break now. „Yuri.“ He said a bit louder and his time he did push him away, gently but firm.

Yuri almost hissed at the lost contact and ripped his eyes open, looking up at Otabek with wide eyes like he just ate the last of his favorite sweets. He felt confused and dizzy, horny and a little lost without Otabek’s hands on him. „Come back.“ He whispered, reaching out for Otabek who took a few steps back at that. He shook his head, looking just as rueful as Yuri felt.

„That was my phone.“ He explained apologetically. „I’ll be right back, kitten.“ Then he turned and disappeared into the living room.

It took Yuri a moment to connect the ringing noise he heard to Otabek’s phone and even then, he wanted to shout for Otabek to come back. His lips were still tingling and he couldn’t imagine what kind of call could be more important than rubbing his sweaty body all over Otabek’s.  
He heard muffled talking from the other room but couldn’t understand a word. Impatiently he waited for Otabek to come back, hoping that they would continue where they’d left off. With that in mind, he didn’t bother to button his jeans back up for wipe the hungry expression off his face.

When Otabek eventually came back into the kitchen, phone in hand, he looked a little pained. He eyed Yuri like he was a piece of cake he absolutely couldn’t have. It made Yuri frown.

„That was Yuuri.“ Otabek explained, putting his phone down on the counter. Yuri’s frown deepened before he remembered. Oh. Right. They were in the middle of moving.

„Still stuck in traffic?“ Yuri asked and couldn’t help but sounding hopeful. He really didn’t want to button his jeans back up.

Otabek smiled sadly as if he shared that same train of thoughts. „They’ll be here in about 10 minutes.“ He stepped closer to Yuri and cupped his face, looking at him with big puppy eyes. „I guess we have to save this for later, hm?“ He brushed the tip of his nose against Yuri’s, then leaned forward to kiss him chastely.

„Let’s just make this quick.“ Yuri murmured against Otabek’s lips. Trying wouldn’t hurt. „You don’t have to hold back, I’ll let you cum wherever you want.“

Otabek groaned against his mouth, Yuri could see from half lidded eyes how his jaw tensed. „Yuri, don’t…“

„I don’t even need to cum. I just want you to.“

„Yuri…“

„You could fuck my face. I’ll swallow the evidence.“ Yuri tried again, unable to get rid of the prickling heat in his lower abdomen. He didn’t want to part from Otabek again. Was it too much to ask for if he just wanted to cling to him for a while?

Otabek made a sound like he was ready for death. „Don’t do this to me, kitten.“ He pleaded. „There is nothing I’d rather do than hide with you in bed for… forever at least. So please, don’t…“

Yuri fully opened his eyes, looking at the tight furrow of Otabek’s brows and reaching up to smooth them with his fingertips. At the touch, Otabek’s eyes opened as well.

Yuri still wanted to beg. To pout and cry and wrap himself around Otabek tightly. Playing the responsible adult right now was the last thing on his mind, and yet.

He nodded and gave Otabek a small smile to show that he really wouldn’t cause a scene. Then he leaned up to kiss Otabek again, closed-mouthed, willing his steamy thoughts away.

„I promise I’ll fuck you on every surface and in every corner of this apartment if you want me to.“ Otabek said quietly. „We’ll make Pizza and turn off our phones, ignore the doorbell, pretend we’re not home. I promise.“

Against Otabek’s lips, Yuri’s smile widened.

**xxx**

They didn’t have much time to straighten their clothes and zip their jeans up again before the doorbell rang. Otabek pushed the buzzer to let Yuuri and Victor in while Yuri quickly combed his messy hair back with his fingers, having to redo his bun after things got steamy.

Victor and Yuuri already brought the first few boxes up with them, smiling tiredly when Yuri opened his arms to take the first from them. Between napping and making out in the kitchen, more time passed than Yuri was aware of, it being afternoon already when Victor parked his truck downstairs.

„I was about to fall asleep behind the wheel.“ Victor joked as Yuuri yawned.

„I was scared you actually would, that’s why I couldn’t close my eyes for a second.“ Yuuri deadpanned, taking his glasses off to clean them on the hem of his shirt.

Victor pouted. „I would’ve let you drive if you wanted to, you didn’t say anything.“

„You’re worse as a backseat driver, darling.“ Yuuri muttered lovingly.

„Why don’t you sit down for a moment and I make some coffee?“ Otabek offered, interrupting their bickering. He disappeared into the kitchen soon after, leaving Yuri alone in the living room with the rumpled couple.

„Hey how about you give me your keys?“ Yuri asked Victor before the silence between them could get awkward. „I wanna get started bringing some of my stuff up.“

„Oh but you don’t have to on your own-„ Yuuri sat up straighter again from where he had slumped on the couch.

„No, it’s okay. I wanted to take some trash down anyway, you guys drink some coffee first. You look a little dead.“ Yuri assured, catching the keys Victor tossed him.

„We’ll join you in a minute.“ Victor said, looking like he was fighting another yawn off his face.

„No need to rush.“ Yuri tried a small smile while he put the keys into the pocket of his jeans. He really hoped that Yuuri and Victor would get how grateful he was for their help, even if he couldn’t express it gushingly.

In the kitchen, Otabek was still busy with the coffee so Yuri just brushed his fingers over his arm before the picked up his forgotten trash bag from earlier.

„I’ll take this out, be right back.“

Otabek closed the fridge where he had undoubtedly looked for the spoiled milk Yuri had thrown into his bag, turning towards Yuri.

„Don’t you want coffee?“

„I’m good. Victor gave me his keys so I can start bringing some boxes up.“

Otabek nodded, looking like he was about to tell Yuri too that he should wait for the others so they could all help. But then he didn’t. „Okay.“ He smiled. „Don’t trip, clumsy kitten.“

Yuri hoisted the trash bag up and rolled his eyes. „I’ll try not to.“

**xxx**

  
Two hours later, Yuri felt ready to implode. Things hadn’t gone as seamless as everyone hoped they would go and Yuri suspected that the others felt just as irritated and tired as he did, but was better at hiding it.

It had started with Victor accidentally knocking some pictures off the wall, which slowed the moving process until they had cleaned million tiny glass pieces away. Next, the armchair of Yuri’s grandfather didn’t fit through the elevator doors and the four of them tried moving it up the stairs together, until they realized that they were only complicating things by crowding together in the little space. By the time they finally dragged the piece of furniture into Otabek’s living room, Yuri wished they had left it behind.

Yuuri got a call from their dog sitter, asking why they hadn’t picked their pet up yet and it took the Katsudon prolonged discussion over the phone until the problem was seemingly solved. Yuri, who was dusty and sweaty, didn’t feel the urge to ask about whether or not they would go and pick their dog up now.  
He couldn’t decide if he wanted Otabek’s friends to leave soon so he could stop pretending that he wasn’t about to emotionally combust because he was dragging his few belongings around again, or if he wanted them to stay so they would distract him enough to not think about his grandfather and how he wasn’t here with Yuri for this very important step into his new life.

Unfortunately Yuuri’s shoulders had tensed up after that phone call and Victor was either too exhausted from carrying boxes, or from simply being old but he wasn’t as chatty as usually, offering only distraction and entertainment whenever he stumbled over his own feet. For a renowned dancer, he appeared terribly clumsy.

To summarize, bringing up Yuri’s stuff took much longer than expected since they got constantly interrupted by small accidents, such as Otabek cutting his thumb and Yuri accidentally trapping him inside the bathroom afterward by putting boxes in front of the door, so they wouldn’t be in the way. Ironic but they were too dusty to laugh about it.  
Yuri had hoped that by evening, he would’ve cleaned most of the dirt that came with moving away and could start to unpack his clothes but by dawn, there was still one box left in Victor's car and Otabek’s hallway was a small labyrinth of cardboard.

„I’ll get the last one.“ Yuri mumbled, wanting to rub his eyes but feeling like he had ten coats of dirt clinging to his skin.

Yuuri and Victor were somewhere in the kitchen, gulping down water and Otabek, a sight for sore eyes in a stained shirt and dinosaur band-aid, was carrying boxes labeled _clothes_ into the bedroom.

„Don’t forget to lock the car.“ He smiled before picking up the next carton.

Yuri nodded. On the way to the door, he stopped by his jacket and fished his cigarettes out the pocket. He felt fidgety and restless despite being a tired, sweaty mess. Somewhere around the time Otabek had cut himself, Yuri had lost his excitement and motivation and now he simply felt raw and a little scared. And he missed his Grandpa terribly.

_This is where we will put the new plant we have yet to buy, he wanted to tell him. We will probably put that ugly dwarf next to it after we got it all cleaned up. Otabek’s cupboards are mostly empty but once we went shopping, I’ll be cooking all the recipes you thought me in this kitchen. Your armchair will make the coziest reading spot, Otabek fit it right in a corner under a lamp. I’ll put a blanket on it and one day when I begged Otabek into getting a cat, it will curl up and sleep there. Otabek owns too many shoes, not sure where mine are supposed to go but I’ll probably end up dumping them into a pile by the door anyway. I wish I could show you everything, I wish you could see it, I wish you were here._

Yuri felt his throat close up and went out the door before he could unleash his inner turmoil on the next innocent person inside Otabek’s apartment.  
It was a terrible habit he should get rid off anyway. A good start to that would be to not hiss at anyone who’d spend the last few days helping him by neglecting their own private lives.

The air inside the elevator was stale or maybe it just seemed so to Yuri, who’d spend most of his afternoon riding that thing up and down. He was endlessly grateful that no jazzy music played inside, or he might’ve smashed the mirrors by now with how tense he felt.

_Sensory overload._ At least that was what one of his old school nurses had diagnosed him with after he’d gotten into another fistfight. Back then Yuri had huffed and left her office as soon as she wasn’t looking but the words had stuck to him, flashing in his mind more often than not whenever he found himself in difficult situations.

Yuri opened his eyes at the same time as the elevator doors did and pushed himself off the mirrored wall to head towards the garage where Victor’s truck was parked.  
The last box contained clothes and therefore wasn’t really heavy but rather unwieldy. Yuri had trouble wrapping his arms around it to hoist it up and it became a struggle to uphold the carton while making sure that Victor’s car was locked. Digging his fingers into the box’s edges, he staggered out of the garage and towards the main entrance doors for a much-needed cigarette break.

Outside, he practically dropped his box on the brick stairs leading down to the sidewalk before he sat down next to it on the ground with an exhausted sigh. While he fumbled his cigarettes out of his pocket, he tried not to glare at any passerby’s. With his luck he’d anger one of his new neighbors and Otabek would somehow end up paying for Yuri’s bad manners.

_Hello, it’s me, the angsty teen that just moved in with the nice, quiet boy. I’m practically a feral stray and I will absolutely play my music too loudly, stomp around angrily all the time and make your innocent kids wanna do drugs and dudes by simply looking at them. Get your pitchforks and torches ready because I’m sure you all will fucking hate me in no time._

Yuri was trying not to dwell on his own dramatic thoughts, otherwise he’d be too annoyed with himself to even consider calming down. Being irritated with his situation was okay, being exhausted from a day like this was okay too but starting to hate himself because he didn’t know how to properly cope with his day and this situation would undo everything Otabek had been trying to drill into his stubborn head. Yuri didn’t want to fall back into his bad habits.

So instead of thinking about all the different ways he could emotionally combust in a way that would do real damage, he focused on his surroundings as he sucked on his cigarette.

It was slowly dawning, the blue sky turning into pale hues of orange and pink where the sun was setting. Street lamps flicked on, bathing the sidewalk in amber light and with the sun disappearing, it got chilly quickly. Yuri knew that it probably wasn’t a good idea to sit on the ground as the sweat cooled on his lower back before it could soak into his shirt but his legs were tried and he didn’t want to move.

He watched cars pass by on the street and birds picking at crumbs on the sidewalk but couldn’t feel himself getting calmer. Maybe it was because he was intently listening to his insides or because he wondered if Otabek would get worried and come looking for him if he stayed too long down here. Whatever it was, it didn’t help him relax.

Yuri contemplated lighting himself a second cigarette but then remembered that this was another bad habit of his. Otabek had never outright said so, but Yuri knew that he didn’t like it.  
Even Katsudon had silently judged him for it and it had been a reminder for Yuri that, if he wanted to dance, he really should quit rather sooner than later. Smoking less would be a start at least.

With a sigh, Yuri stubbed the butt out and flicked it away before turning back to his box. Wrapping his arms around it and standing up, he planned to push the door open with his hip but then there was a shredding sound to be heard as if someone ripped a piece of paper apart.  
A second later, the weight in Yuri’s arms got noticeably lighter as the carton opened at the bottom, causing Yuri’s clothes to scatter all over the dusty stairs.

For a moment, Yuri stood with the empty cardboard in this arms, the tape that had failed him fluttering in the wind, staring at the mess like he couldn’t believe what had just happened. Then he let out a choked laugh and dropped the empty box on top, hands reaching up to rub at his face. God, he was so tired. And maybe his laugh turned a little into hiccuping sobs, who knew.

„Fuck this.“ Yuri mumbled, putting a new cigarette between his lips and lighting it before crouching down to sort through his clothes. They had all been washed and neatly folded, really to move into Otabek’s closet. Now they were crumpled and scattered around, lying on the, probably less than clean, front steps of an apartment complex close to a busy street. No problem, it wasn’t like Yuri had actually believed that this day would go over without any tears.

He’d just hoped they might be happy ones, not such of frustration he desperately tried to hold back because he didn’t want to be defeated by a piece of unstable cardboard.

After somehow managing to fix the box in a way that would hopefully hold up until he got his things into Otabek’s apartment, Yuri began to pick his clothes back up and shook them a little before dumping them back into the damaged carton. There was no use in folding them if they might end up on the ground again and they probably needed to be washed anyway.

He was sniffing back tears, eyes stinging even more when the wind picked up and blew smoke into them from where he’d tugged his cigarette between his lips. Some strands of his hair slipped from his bun and fell into his face as well, making Yuri hiss out in frustration around the butt.

Half blind, he reached up to tuck his hair back and promptly brushed the inside of his wrist against the burning cherry of his cigarette. With a yelp of pain, he flinched back from the touch, slipping and landing on his butt between his scattered clothes. His cigarette had fallen from his mouth as well, leaving ash on his thighs and probably burning a whole into a beloved sweater. At this point, Yuri felt too defeated to care.  
Sniffling again, unsure if his tears were caused by pain or frustration and beyond caring, Yuri pressed his lips to the small burn of his skin, trying to soothe the burn with his tongue. Cigarette burns reminded him of his Mother and they stung like hell.

Of cause it would’ve been too much to ask that, in this moment of weakness and humiliation, if he would be left in peace so at least no one would witness his pathetic little cry on the stairs.

There was a voice coming from the sidewalk. „Are you alright?“ It sounded more amused than caring and Yuri didn’t know whether to be relieved or aggravated by that.

Thumbing the tears from his lashes and wiping the hem of his shirt against his nose, he didn’t bother to raise from where he’d fallen among his clothes. Defiantly, he simply turned his head to glare at whoever had spoken. They’d probably witnessed his misery in all its glory and now trying to cover anything up would only make him look more stupid and vulnerable.

There on the sidewalk, head tilted to the side and looking cooler than anyone had any right to, stood a girl his age.

She had short, fiery-red hair, curls pulled up to expose a sidecut. Her eyeliner was razor sharp, prominent enough to make Yuri notice from where he sat and made him feel intimidated in a way he was rarely used to.

To make things worse, she wore the kinda clothes Yuri wished he could afford. Suede jacket that surely wasn’t second hand, low-cut shirt that Yuri was missing the curves for and a spotless pair of hightop sneakers in blinding white. The girl seemed like she’d hopped straight out of a music video or Instagram add and Yuri wanted to hate her.

„I’ve never been better.“ Yuri attempted to growl but his voice sounded a little wet with the lie. He hoped that she couldn’t see the sticky tear-tracks on his face and felt grateful that he hadn’t bothered to put mascara on this morning.

Her curious gaze turned skeptical but while Yuri was ready to snap at her for silently judging him, she seemed to find him genuinely interesting.  
When she came a little closer, Yuri noticed the dog she was holding on a leash for the first time. A gigantic poodle with a ridiculously precise haircut that had probably cost a fortune but didn’t match the playful behavior of the dog. The mutt was wagging its tail like crazy, dancing around when it spotted Yuri like he desperately wanted to befriend him.

„I get it. I always start crying and throwing my clothes everywhere when I get upset too. Do you have trouble finding something to wear or did your girlfriend just threw you out of your apartment? I’m sure I could help you with the former but you really shouldn’t listen to me when it comes to relationships, just a warning."

Yuri stared at her wide eyed, wondering if today was the day he’d get in a fistfight with a girl. He didn’t know if he was infuriated by her or impressed but her bluntness almost made him want to laugh.

„I’m gay.“ Yuri heard himself say then, surprising himself that he didn’t immediately tell her to fuck off. „Which also means that I’m more than capable of dressing myself, hag.“

She didn’t even blink. „Trouble with your boyfriend, then? Or are you just the dramatic kind and I’m the random audience to your show? Please go on, you’re very entertaining.“ She half smiled, looking surprisingly cute for someone so annoying.

„I’m moving.“ Yuri snapped, unsure why he was even defending himself or telling her his business. He should just scare her off and go on with his stuff. „Moving in, before you ask. And my damn box broke, scattering my stuff everywhere so I’m glad you find that entertaining but I’m really fucking done with this shit.“

And to his absolute horror, his vision then became blurry again with tears. Great, Yuri loved crying in front of strangers. No big deal.

He didn’t see the girl’s reaction through his wet lashes but next thing, she was sitting down next to him on the steps, telling the dog to be a good girl any lie down somewhere else than on Yuri’s clothes.

„Do you want some chocolate?“ She asked casually while Yuri wiped his tears away, pulling a candy bar out of her purse.

Yuri hated her a little less than, for not openly pitying him or telling him to _please stop crying._

Yuri sniffed. „I’d rather take a cigarette.“

„You just burned yourself. You’re a fire hazard.“

„You’re not going to tell me that smoking is unhealthy and disgusting?“ Yuri asked gruffly, taking some chocolate from her anyway and shoving it into his mouth.

„If anything I would’ve told you that it will turn your pretty face into an old leather bag or that you could go on endless shopping sprees with all the money you’d save if you stopped smoking but I’m not a babysitter. I tried it, believe me. Now I’m only dog sitting, they’re much cuter and more obedient.“ She grinned and popped some chocolate into her mouth as well.

„That’s not yours?“ Yuri asked with a wave towards the poodle, who’d seemed to notice that they were now talking about her and thumped her tail excitedly.

„No. That’s Makkachin. I was babysitting her for my dance instructor but he and his husband got stuck in traffic on their way home and I’m meeting up with friends later, so I offered to bring her over.“

That’s how Yuri learned that the girl, Mila, really was just a little older than him and one of Victor’s dance students. She went to Uni as well but spend, as she put it, so much time at the studio that she now felt a little as if though Yuuri and Victor were part of her family.

Yuri wasn’t sure what to make of her or her relationship to the idiot couple but she distracted him enough to give his tears time to dry and by the time they’d finished the chocolate, Yuri was even laughing at her gossiping, surprising himself a little.

If he could oversee the fact that he needed to loathe Mila forever because she caught him in a compromising situation, then he felt a little as if she would be the exact kinda friend he would like to have. Badass but not cruel. Cool but not obnoxious. And actually pretty funny and nice.  
He wouldn’t tell her that though, how stupid would that look? They only just met.

But maybe one day, he would see her again. If Otabek was friends with Katsudon and Victor, and she was friends with them, well it seemed inevitable. Yuri wasn’t desperate to find new friends but if he had to, well then he could probably bear to hang out with her again.

It was only when her phone was ringing, that their conversation got interrupted. Mila had been surprisingly easy to talk to.

„Oh shit, this is Yuuri. Hang on a sec. By the way, isn’t it funny that you two share the same name?“ She scrunched her nose up when she grinned.

„Hilarious.“ Yuri said dryly, watching how she took the phone call.

Mila explained that she’d been here for a while already, telling Yuuri how she ran into _adorable little blonde Yuri_ and completely forgot about the time, sorry.

Yuri glared at her for it but she only winked at him while Katsudon said something on the other end of the line that Yuri couldn’t understand. Mila hung up a moment later.

„They’ll be down in a second.“

„Okay, cool.“ Yuri mumbled, not knowing what to say now that it was time to say goodbye to the girl that was practically still a stranger.

„You should come by the studio some time.“ She said, getting up from the stairs. Yuri had told her that he danced too.

„Yeah, maybe. Need to settle in first.“ He wasn’t sure how things would turn out yet and he didn’t like making promises if he wasn’t sure if he could keep them.

„Oh and you need to follow me back on Instagram as soon as possible.“ She smirked, waving her phone around.

„Who says that I even have one?“ But a moment later, his own phone pinged in his pocket.

„My intuition.“ Mila grinned just as the door opened behind Yuri.

„Oh little fairy, what happened here?“ Victor sang annoyingly while the mutt started pulling on her leash, crazy excited to see her owners. Her whimpering was more bearable than Victor’s voice, Yuri decided.

Yuri growled, beginning to throw his clothes that he had actually forgotten about, back into the battered box. „Don’t call me that.“

Mila giggled and handed the leash over to Victor while Yuuri actually squatted down to help Yuri with his stuff.

„You don’t have to do that.“ Yuri mumbled while he heard Victor asking Mila if Makkachin had behaved.

„It’s quicker that way.“ Yuuri shrugged and smiled. Damn, it wasn’t easy not to like him.

„Thanks.“

„So you met Mila? Lovely girl, dances too. You’re friends yet?“

„I just met her:“ Yuri grumbled, shoving the last of his clothes into the box before he stood up. His ass had gotten cold from sitting on the stairs for so long.

„I think you’re very similar.“ Yuuri said and Yuri bit his tongue to not point out that the Katsudon had basically just met him too. „You should come by the studio soon, we’ll show you around and after we could get lunch or something?“

Yuri swallowed some questionable butterflies that had come out for nowhere and gave Yuuri the same vague answer he’d given Mila. A solid maybe.

Mila interrupted the moment, saying goodbye as she had to go and meet her friends now. She was already a little late. „See you later, little one.“ She winked at Yuri again.

„Bye, baba.“

„We should get going too.“ Victor announced while trying to stop his dog from jumping up and attempting to lick his face.

„Right. Um thanks again for helping. It means a lot and I know it was a lot of trouble so, yeah, thanks a lot.“ Yuri stuttered, wanting them to understand that he didn’t take their help for granted, even if they were a little annoying.

„Oh you’re absolutely welcome. Come give me a hug.“

Yuri wasn’t fast enough to dodge that one.

  
**xxx**

 

„Hey, there you are.“ Otabek stepped into the hallway just as Yuri closed the door behind him, battered box barely balanced on his hip.

Yuri smiled up at him. „Hey.“

„I was about to come looking for you but then my mom called. Everything okay?“

The box was about to slip from Yuri’s fingers once more so he sat it down. „Yeah, I’ll tell you in a minute. Your mom called?“

Yuri couldn’t pretend that he didn’t suddenly felt nervous. Otabek had always described his mother as loving and accepting but then again, he’d never presented her with a stray he found and took home.  
Getting the parents approval of your loved one was a big thing, right? So what would happen if she didn’t like it that Yuri moved in so quickly with her son? What if she was stricter than Otabek thought? Hell, Yuri was shit at leaving good first impressions.

„Yeah, we try to Skype at least once a week but…“ He shrugged. „I called her instead, telling her that I’m a little busy at the moment.“

_Don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t feel guilty. Don’t-_

Yuri felt guilty. „Did you tell her?“ He cleared his throat, hoping to sound less than a baby bird when he next spoke. „About us? This, I mean?“ Yuri waved around in a gesture that included the hallway and his single, sad box. Otabek must’ve put the others away.

„Um, kinda?“ Otabek sheepishly smiled at him. „She knows that there’s a special someone. I couldn’t hide it from her when I last visited. She doesn’t know the full story and I think that if we ever tell her more, we should spare her some details but she knows that we made up now and that we’re together. I texted her a few times when I stayed with you, so she wouldn’t get worried about me not calling.“

„But you haven’t told her about me moving in?“ Yuri asked before Otabek had even fully finished his sentence. It felt like ants were crawling up his throat and despite being aware of it, he couldn’t stop chewing on his lip anxiously.

Otabek came closer and reached for his hand, tugging him gently away from the door and further inside the apparent. „I wasn’t finished yet.“ He scolded him softly. „I told her that I’m busy because we’re moving together and that I wanna spend as much time as I can with you.“

Yuri swallowed. „And what did she say?“

„She was a little surprised. A little worried too. Asked if it wasn’t too soon and if I thought this through.“

Yuri went back to chewing his lips. „And what did you say?“

„That I can understand her worries but that I’m more than just sure about this. I told her that I love you.“

Otabek reached up to gently thumb over Yuri’s bottom lip so he would stop biting it. When Yuri looked up into his eyes, Otabek’s hand slid from his jaw to the back of his neck, pulling him closer. Yuri followed without resistance, stepping closer so he could wrap his arms around Otabek. Their lips were brushing before Otabek could fully push his fingers into Yuri’s hair.

„You taste like chocolate.“ Otabek mumbled a little confused between kisses before he gently swiped his tongue over the raw spot on Yuri’s lower lip that he’d just bitten.

Later, there would be time to explain how Yuri had met Mila. Now, other things were more important.  
Yuri opened his mouth against Otabek’s, licking his unspoken question away. Their lips dragged together as they kissed deeply and without any hurry.

Eyes still closed, Yuri spoke into the small space left between their lips after every kiss. „I love you.“

When he felt Otabek’s lips stretch into a smile against his own, Yuri knew that he’d heard him.

He tried to keep kissing him despite his growing grin but had to pull back when Otabek laughter knocked against his lips.

„What?“ He mumbled, pulling back in confusion.

„Nothing.“ Otabek whispered, still chuckling slightly. „Come back here.“ He cupped Yuri’s face, leaning in for more kisses.

Yuri let him indulge for a few moments, allowing Otabek to pull him even closer. Eventually, his curiosity got the better of him.

„What are you laughing about?“ It wasn’t easy to speak with Otabek pressing his plump lips against him.

His answer was a smear of tongue as Otabek tried to push it between Yuri’s pout and something that sounded like a muffled _not laughing anymore._

Yuri pushed him, gently but firmly, away by pressing his flat hand against Otabek’s chest. Otabek himself looked a little like he’d just woken from a dream.

„You’re making fun of me, Altin?“ Yuri asked, licking Otabek’s spit from his lips.

Otabek grinned at him and tilted his head to the side, fixing him with those warm chocolate eyes beneath thick lashes. „I’m happy, little brat. Come here.“

One last, admittedly weak, glare and then Yuri fell back into Otabek’s arms. He felt how his bun got undone and Otabek’s fingers combed through his messy hair as they kissed, swaying in their new home.

Otabek kept him close when their kiss came to an end. „My mom wants you to come with me the next time I visit. She says she needs to meet my boyfriend, now that she knows how deeply I feel about you.“

Yuri blinked up at him, mouth falling open a little. „Boyfriend?“ He whispered.

Otabek’s eyebrows knitted together. „Aren’t you? My boyfriend, I mean.“

„I-I guess I am.“ Yuri’s heart was a flower reaching for the sun. „It’s just…This is the first time I’ve heard you calling me that.“

The tension, that had briefly shown on Otabek’s face, disappeared. „My bad.“ He said softly. „Hey, Yura?“

„Yeah?“

„You’re my boyfriend, right?“

Oh, those pretty eyes! Yuri smiled at Otabek. „Right.“

Otabek smiled back. „And how does that make you feel?“

Yuri’s answer was another kiss.

**xxx**

„You know that most people don’t move within a single day, do you?“ Otabek asked when Yuri whined on how about he’d thought they’d made much more progress by now.

„I know. And I didn’t either, we already packed boxes for days back at my grandpa’s house, remember?“

„Yeah but that’s not what I mean. It’s a bit unrealistic that we will unpack all your stuff today, let alone put all of it into the right places and clean up afterward too. It’s already getting dark outside, Yura, give yourself a break.“

„But your apartment is all messy because of me.“ Yuri whined, gesturing around to half-empty boxes and clothes piled up on Otabek’s small dining table.

„ _Our_ apartment was messy before, I haven’t been here for days. And I don’t mind if it looks a little unorganized for a few more days. I want you to settle in properly and not put your sunglasses into the fridge just because you feel like you have to get all your stuff out the way so I don’t stumble over it.“

„I didn’t do that on purpose.“ Yuri pouted.

Otabek smiled. „I know. You did it because you’re tired. And so am I. I think it’s enough for the day. I found your toiletries and some comfy close, everything else has time until tomorrow. What do you think?“ Otabek looked at him with puppy eyes, trying his best to convince him.

Yuri’s shoulders dropped but he couldn’t suppress a small smile. „Fine but only under one condition.“

„What is it?“

„Will you help me change the bedsheets? I wanted our first night here together to be cozy.“ Yuri looked at his feet, wondering if he was being weird.

Otabek stepped closer and kissed the shell of his ear before he headed towards the bedroom. „Condition accepted.“ He called over his shoulder. „But just so you know, I’d sleep on the bare floor with you and still find that cozy.“

Yuri rolled his eyes but blushed. „Well I wouldn’t, so show me where you keep the sheets.“

If his jeans hadn’t been so dusty and he’d be covered in dried sweat, Yuri would’ve collapsed right into Otabek’s freshly made bed. The clean sheets were singing to him, the row of fluffy pillows welcoming him to sink into a deep sleep between them.

Yuri had to rip his eyes away before he was tempted to just crawl under the duvet and turned to look at Otabek instead, who gathered the dirty linen up to carry them over to the washer.  
Yuri followed him on tired feet, updating his mental list on where to find what in his new home. The last thing he wanted was having to constantly annoy Otabek with his question on where to find and put things.

„And now?“ Yuri asked when Otabek straightened up again and the washer was swirling the sheets around in a blur of color.

Otabek put the laundry detergent back on the shelf. Yuri tried to memorize the brand. „Shower.“ He decided and headed towards the door. When he didn’t hear Yuri’s steps following his, he stopped to look over his shoulder. „You’re coming?“

  
**xxx**

„This is not how I imagined my first steamy shower with my new boyfriend would go, now that we moved in together.“ Yuri mumbled, keeping his eyes closed so he wouldn’t get any shampoo in it.

Otabek was standing behind him, massaging foam into his hair and chuckled at Yuri’s words. „What did you imagine?“ He asked lowly next to Yuri’s ear and a shiver went down his spine.

„Not that I thought about us in the shower, really. But after that scene in the kitchen earlier, I thought we’d be all over each other the second the door closed behind Katsuki and his idiot fiancé.“

„What changed?“ Otabek asked and led Yuri under the water spray to rinse his hair out.

„I realized how tired I am.“ Yuri answered once his hair was shampoo free, turning around to look at Otabek.

His boyfriend smiled at him. „You do realize that we have all the time in the world, right? There is no expiration date on his.“ He gestured between their bodies and flicked soap against Yuri’s chest.

„Yeah, I know. I just really wanted you,“ Yuri pouted,“…earlier.“

„I don’t understand that,“ Otabek said and before Yuri’s heart could drop and shatter on the shower floor, he continued,“because I want you all the time.“ He stepped closer to Yuri until their chests were touching and reached up to cup Yuri’s face.

„You gotta stop saying such things.“ Yuri whispered gazing at Otabek from beneath wet lashes.

„Why?“ Otabek asked just as quietly, tilting Yuri’s chin up for a kiss.

„I get all lovesick from it.“ Yuri answered, blushing a little at his own mushy honesty.

Otabek grinned. „Good.“ He kissed him, smiling lips stretching against Yuri’s. „That’s good. I like that a lot.“

Yuri hummed some kind of growling noise against his mouth that weakened into a pleased hum as they relaxed into a kiss, their lips becoming soft and pliant.

Otabek’s hands slid from Yuri’s jaw down to his waist where he wrapped his arms around him, pulling him closer against his wet body. Automatically, Yuri lifted his own to circle them around Otabek’s shoulders, pushing his fingers into his boyfriend's hair.

Their kisses grew a little heavier, became deeper but without ever breaking their languid pace. They tasted like tiredness and intimacy, like contentment and exhausted happiness.  
Yuri could feel the tense muscles under Otabek’s skin as he let his hands wander over his back, figuring that they were most likely from carrying all his heavy stuff.  
Yuri too, felt himself leaning more against Otabek out of fatigue than lust and found that strangely delightful. A deep wave of trust and comfort pulled him under, making his heart feel warm with love.

That warmth slithered down his ribs and dripped into his stomach, waking the heat that had peacefully slumbered there.  
Pressing himself closer, Yuri licked more urgently into Otabek’s mouth and lightly scratched down his boyfriends back.

Otabek gasped against his lips at the sudden demand, the sound stretching into a light moan when Yuri tugged a little on his lower lip with his teeth.  
What Yuri asked for he got, Otabek kissed him with more intent and let his hands glide over Yuri’s hips, rubbing circles into the wet skin with his thumbs.

Yuri shifted his stance, wanting to be even closer to Otabek and felt him half hard against his thigh. The heat inside his stomach flared a little at that and Yuri felt himself getting more aroused at Otabek’s chub.

Otabek drew back from their kiss, causing Yuri’s lips to slide down to his chin. From there Yuri nibbled kisses along the side of his jaw until his lips were dripping shower water.

„Yura,“ Otabek rasped out quietly, „We don’t have to do anything.“

„Hm,“ Yuri nuzzled against the light stubble on Otabek’s jaw,“Maybe we can do a little?“ He licked the shell of Otabek’s ear before dedicating his attention to his neck, making his route in hues of purple.

Otabek’s head fell back, exposing the length of his neck. Yuri opened his eyes just in time to watch his Adam’s apple move as he swallowed.

„Okay,“ Otabek murmured,“A little sounds good.“ His hands slid down Yuri’s back to rest on the swell of his ass, kneading lazily while Yuri licked water and faint sweat from his neck.

Unable to resist the temptation of Otabek hardening against his hip any longer, Yuri reached between them to wrap his fingers around his boyfriend’s cock. Otabek’s hips jerked at the first contact and then again when Yuri swiped his thumb over his sensitive head.

„Yura.“ he groaned, craning his neck to find Yuri’s lips once more, kissing him pantingly as Yuri stroked him firmly.

„Can I touch you?“ He whispered between kisses, digging his fingers deeper into Yuri’s skin.

„Always.“ Yuri whined, feeling lazy pleasure thrumming through him from their kisses and a little drunk from the way Otabek’s cock was pulsing beneath his fingers with each flick of his wrist.

He moaned and his rhythm faltered when Otabek’s hand closed around his own length while the other stayed firmly placed on his asscheek.  
It took him a few moments to sort through his mushy thoughts and regain his rhythm, sighing when Otabek matched it.

The spray from the shower-head hit them on parts of their shoulders and sides, dripping down their ribs and thighs. The hot water had turned the air inside the bathroom hazy and steamy making it hard to breathe through shared moans and panting breaths.

Sensual kisses turned into feverish licks as Yuri and Otabek clung to each other, hips jerking under the hands of each other.  
Yuri whined against Otabek’s lips when the later dug his nails hard enough into the flash of his ass to break the skin and with a groan, Otabek pulled back from their half hearted kiss. Yuri almost stumbled at the sudden loss of contact, then suddenly felt himself being pushed back against the cold tiles behind him.

Caging Yuri between his body and the wall, Otabek tucked his head against the side of Yuri’s neck as his breathing grew heavier. With harsh snaps of his hips, he fucked into Yuri’s first.  
Having understood what was about to happen, Yuri sped his movements up and moaned encouragingly against Otabek’s ear. More than wanting to come himself, Yuri wanted to make Otabek lose it first, feeling desperately aroused by the mere thought.

„Beka.“ He moaned, tightening his grip around his boyfriend’s cock. When Otabek bit his shoulder, hips still jerking, Yuri pressed his free hand to the back of Otabek’s neck, keeping him as close as possible.

With a groan that echoed back from the tiled walls, Otabek came all over Yuri’s stomach. Wanting to lead him through his orgasm, Yuri cooed nonsense into his ear and kept stroking his pulsing cock, feeling his own drip with want every time Otabek rolled his hips to ride his high out by fucking Yuri’s fist.

When Otabek stilled, he sagged against Yuri and audibly tried to catch his breath. Yuri, who was a little squished, became now desperately aware of the fact that he needed to come too, feeling his own cock throbbing against Otabek’s hip.  
He whined almost involuntarily, wiggling his hips for friction.

Ever so attentive, Otabek seemed to remember the needs of his boyfriend. „Shh kitten, I got you.“

Leaning back a little, Otabek wrapped his hand around Yuri’s cock once more and silenced another whine by pressing his lips against Yuri’s.  
Right away, he set a pace that had Yuri’s eyes rolling back, threatening to become too much too soon.

„Beka.“ Yuri gasped with his eyes screwed shut, torn between wanting to have more and pulling back from Otabek’s touch.

His indecisiveness caused his mind to go blank as no words would leave his mouth. Instead he clung to Otabek and kept moaning as the heat inside him got more intense by the second.

„Do you know what I’m gonna do first thing tomorrow morning after I wake up?“ Otabek suddenly asked with a husky voice, reminding Yuri that he was, in fact, not drawing in pleasure.

But words were still too hard to form, so Yuri could only whine again. He was jerking his hips when Otabek pressed the fingers of his other hand between his asscheeks, massaging over his twitching rim. Otabek didn’t seem to mind that Yuri wasn’t answering him, he only stroked Yuri a little faster.

„I’m going to pound your little ass into the mattress until you pass out again, at least until noon. You need to get some rest, baby.“

Otabek hadn’t even finished his sentence when Yuri came with a yelp. Otabek’s hands on him and the pictures inside his head had made Yuri reckless with arousal. Had he found his voice, Yuri would’ve begged Otabek to push inside him dry.  
Now he was snapping his hips just as frantically as Otabek had mere moments before, panting as Otabek kept stroking him until his thoughts became a little clearer.

This time it was him to sagged into waiting arms, body pliant and eyes closed. He felt lips touching his temple, leaving gentle kisses.

All at once, the tiredness was back but the exhaustion sitting in his bones had been replaced by satisfaction and contentment.  
Yuri hummed a happy sound against Otabek’s chest while the water washed away the last traces of their climax.

Faintly, Yuri wondered how long it would take until the hot water would start to run out but found himself too lazy to voice his thoughts to Otabek. He knew that they had to get out sooner or later but for now, he wanted to stay in Otabek’s arms. Big hands stroking his back and warm water hitting his neck. He kept his eyes closed, scraping the last of his energy together to place little kisses against the flushed skin of his boyfriend.

The rushing of water was the only sound to be heard as Yuri and Otabek stood under the shower spray, wrapped in each other’s arms and slightly swaying side to side.

**xxx**

  
Wrapped in a towel, with his hair dripping water down onto his shoulders, Yuri stumbled around the bedroom to find some clothes to wear for the night.  
Otabek, who’d simply shrugged on a pair of old sweatpants, had already wandered into the kitchen to order some food, leaving Yuri alone to question where his things had gone.

Not wanting to clutter the entire apartment at once, they earlier had decided to keep the bedroom relatively clean and therefore stacked most of Yuri’s boxes in the corner of the hallway for now.  
Leaving open space to access cupboard and draws should make it easier to put Yuri’s stuff away without making a mess, which seemed like a well-organized idea at the time.  
Now though, Yuri wondered if he was too tired to think straight or if that idea had failed him. He could’ve sworn that he’d already put some of his clothes into these drawers but was still unable to find them.

With a sigh, he decided that such thing wasn’t worth another frustrated breakdown and simply dropped his towel to the floor. Grabbing a faded shirt that was surely several sizes too big for him and a pair of Otabek’s briefs from the drawer, Yuri figured that actually, his boyfriends clothes were much comfier than his own.

As he bent down to pick the towel up from the floor, he could hear Otabek’s muffled voice coming from the kitchen, placing their food order. Absentmindedly, Yuri raised the towel to rub the ends of his hair dry, wandering back and forth in front of the bed. He let his eyes wander, over the pile of books on Otabek’s nightstand, to the cacti on a sideboard (the only plants that had survived Otabek’s absence) and the large mirror mounted to the wall that had collected a thin layer of dust.

It was a little weird being back in this room, the bed reminding him of a night that had started with hundreds of unspoken wishes and ended with Yuri breaking his own heart alongside with Otabek’s. Looking at it, Yuri felt a excitement and guilt all at once and he wondered how long it would take until he felt at home here. Until he saw that bed and thought _that is my bed, that is our bed_ instead of _this is where I made the dumbest decision while the man I loved held me in his arms._

Otabek had said that Yuri would leave his touches all over the apartment in no time. He tried to picture it.

His own books on the second nightstand. New bedsheets and pillows they’d pick out together. Maybe they could put some nice pictures of themselves up on the wall opposite of the bed, a real cheesy collage of _Otabek and Yuri in love._ Oh and some curtains because unless Otabek owned some blinds, they’d soon show their neighbors more than they needed to see.

Lowering the towel again, Yuri walked over to the large windows that almost reached down to the wooden floor. Outside dusk was dripping his lighter colors into the dark of night, pink streaks fading away. The sight was amazing and Yuri wondered if that was why Otabek didn’t own any curtains.

The city was glittering beneath Yuri’s eyes, street lamps like orange sparks of fire and light up windows like golden fireflies in the night. In the distance, the dark river was reflecting the colors of the car’s headlights, red and green blurring together. A thousand lights and neon signs, vibrant and blinking and yet there was barely a sound to be heard, save for the occasional honking reaching Yuri’s ears.

This city was alive and so was Yuri. At all hours of the day the streets would pulse and time would never stand still. A million people. A million different lives. A million new possibilities.

Yuri’s heart was suddenly racing but his mouth was dry. He’d _made it_ and the realization, although not new, made him dizzy.

It was just a city, probably as loud and crowded and dirty as any other but it was his escape. His new start. In that very moment, it meant more to Yuri than any other view ever could.

He hadn’t heard him approaching but suddenly, there were two strong arms wrapping around his waist from behind. Yuri didn’t flinch. Otabek hooked his chin over Yuri’s shoulder, letting his eyes wander where Yuri’s were still fixed.

„Food is on the way.“ Otabek murmured and Yuri leaned back against his chest, putting his hands over Otabek’s.

„Hm.“ There was so much going on inside his head.

„Are you okay?“ Otabek asked, turning his head a little to kiss Yuri’s yaw lightly.

Yuri only nodded, unsure how he should ever put everything he felt in that moment into words. It was almost too big to fit inside his body and it was taking up so much of him, that it was impossible to focus on anything but Otabek’s warmth and the sight in front of him.

Maybe Otabek understood because he tightened his hold on Yuri and shared his silence peacefully.

Yuri wasn’t sure how much time had passed but it was enough to loosen the knot inside his throat and made him want to share this moment with the only person that truly deserved it.

„I made it.“ Yuri finally said it out loud.

Otabek didn’t have to ask what he meant. „You did it.“

„I have trouble processing it, is that weird? For so long, all I wanted to do was to leave that damn town and now I just did. I planned it forever, saved up my money but I was never really convinced I could do it, you know? I always acted like I would definitely leave one day but I was always scared that one day would never come. That I would still say that, once my life was already halfway over.“

„I think important things always scare the shit out of you, that’s just the way it is. And maybe that’s good, it means that it matters to you.“

„This is all that mattered to me for so long. And then you came.“  
„Did I change your plans?“

„A little.“ Yuri smiled. „But for the better. Thank you, Beka. For everything.“

Otabek kissed his cheek again and said nothing.

„And what now?“ Yuri asked after a while, still watching the city lights.

Otabek furrowed his eyebrows, Yuri could see his reflection in the glass. „What do you mean?“

„I feel a little lost now. For the longest time, this is all I dreamed about. What do I do now?“ Yuri asked, eyes wandering back to Otabek’s mirrored reflection.

„You start making new dreams.“

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it, the end. Only the Epilogue left now. How's everyone feeling about that? 
> 
> I hope to clean this fic up a bit once I finished it, mainly the first few chapters because they're a mess. I also got some more amazing art for this fic, for different scenes so I'll add them to the chapter they belong to soon. 
> 
> For now, you can see them [ here](https://twitter.com/superspicy96/status/973914164119855105) ,[ here](https://twitter.com/SoSkepticalFox/status/987050840866328585) and [ here](https://twitter.com/SoSkepticalFox/status/1002629489531277312) ! 
> 
> Thank you so much for your wonderful art, Bella & Ayden <3 Eveyone show them some love please, and follow them [ here](https://twitter.com/superspicy96) and [ here](https://twitter.com/SoSkepticalFox) !
> 
> Leave some comments & kudos if you enjoyed this chapter, I'd love to hear your thoughts. For more info about my writing or simply if you want to say Hi, come and check out my tumblr [ here](https://yours-julie.tumblr.com/)


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